Basil B

Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need Water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not Want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am Bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about Two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later He staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her ssigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Now here is a challenge! For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts... Try this! So, you think you're so smart. Let's see how computer literate you are ....... *WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN? 123490=\qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm GIVE UP? SEE THE ANSWER BELOW! | | | | | | | YEP, THAT'D DO IT !!

And may all those lying cheating TGF's knicker draws be infested with the fleas of ten thousand Soi Dogs.

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbour and asks him if he could buy a rooster for £100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy serviced every one of those hens and then nailed three ducks and a flock of geese at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "Oh Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

If one is going to cut-n-past one should rember where one got em in the first place. http://www.pattayatalk.com/forums/topic/52805-politically-incorrect-jokes PS Not all of us have Alzheimer's

Ok 6 bullets then...

Sorry duplicated post.

I suppose only a bar owner would come up with that one.

Back in the UK... Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited a ll this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Nice one Eddy... And to think she may be queen one day Long live the Queen (I mean Queen Elizabeth II)

Just wonder what Bin Ladens last words were? heres a suggestion to kick off! OK, let me wipe my arse firs....

You would not be from Barnsly by any chance? "Former Labour MP for Barnsley Central receives 12-month sentence for fraudulent £14,500 claim"

No, but it is our lawn it shits on...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article634182.ece OK lowest, all but one "also ran" Warren Harding.

Republican black humor again. Republicans should really avoid the subject of IQ, do not forget GWB is reputed to have had the lowest IQ of any US President in history.

Anti Money Laundering laws of the UK: 1. any person leaving the EU must declare any amount of money carried over 10,000 Euro, (£8,500 apx). 2. any person carrying over £1,000 GBP must show legitimate entailment to the money, Customs may seize money they believe has bypassed the tax man or been earned while working illegally while in the UK. Point in case, (from UK Boarder Force, series 2 episode 9), gentleman, "Dutch National" working as taxi driver in London exiting UK at LHR found with a considerable amount of cash, he first claimed it was well under £10,000 after ascertaining there was well over £15,000 which he claimed was to build a house in Eritrea and as he could not justify its was his legitimately, therefore the money was seized.

I think the last got to be "MBBJ" Or is it "MBCBJ"

Noticed that the Honorary Consuls office in Jomtien was closed for a week, a few weeks back yet again, do hope it was for retraining.

Probably wanted out of his contract.

Seems the the "third sex" are being accepted as cabin crew. http://www.nationmultimedia.com/specials/n...1&pid=10185

1f u r r34||y sm4rt u d0 not h4v3 2 94y 4 1t.