Basil B

But never slap a blond with a full mouth...

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end

A few years ago at our Air Traffic Centre we received warning that an undisclosed number of US Air Force B2 Bombers would be crossing our FIR [Flight Information Region] at a particular time on a particular day. They would check in with us as they entered our airspace and check out again as they left. They gave us the callsign to expect, and the route was known, so it was logical to assume that they would contact us at a certain time at a certain place. The callsign and reporting points have been changed to protect the innocent. Being the then famous new 'Stealth' bombers we would know little about it but they would pay us the courtesy of letting us know they were there. Eric, a very capable controller with a keen sense of humour was on position, and heard, "UAE Area, this is USAFB2. This is a courtesy call advising that we are about to enter your airspace." Eric replied, "USAFB2, welcome to UAE Airspace, we have you on radar 200 miles out over LOTUS, hope you enjoy your visit." Without thinking the Stealth Bomber replied, "Thank you UAE, it a pleasure to be... Wait - you got us on Radar? 200 miles out? You shittin' me?" "That's affirmative USAFB2," said Eric, "I'm shittin' you. Enjoy your visit."

isiting light aircraft (in a posh English accent): "Penzance tower, Cessna Light G123 request approach instruction and landing?" Penzance tower (in a broad Scottish accent): "G123, Penzance tower welcome to my airspace, sadly we are not accepting your class, divert on heading and contact approach on Lands End." Visiting light aircraft: "Penzance tower, negative, request approach instructions, my landing approved earlier, I'm with my partner and will be landing for the day." Penzance tower, "G123, that is still a negative. Penzance field is a heliport. I strongly suggest diverting to Lands End airfield." Visiting Aircraft, "Penzance tower, please confirm heading to Lands End.."

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Australian brain transplant joke An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Thank god the Irish Republican Navy does not have any manned subs.

Sorry for posting Adult Jokes which you do not understand. http://www.parliament.uk/bigben

Q: Why do blondes have trouble in the ladies' room? A: They are not used to pulling their own pants down. Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth! Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock. Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone's been in a 747! Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common? A: They can both drive you crazy. Q: What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10 p.m.? A: She goes home. A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone. Q: What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill. Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Warning to anyone buying a secondhand mobile, sniff it first.

What humor???

And you thought driving in Thailand was dangerous... They should ban 110% proof Vodka

From the Edinburgh Fringe, voted top ten funniest jokes The top 10 were: Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa." Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same." Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell." Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost." Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter." Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634

With intelligence like that She could be the first female president of the USA.

Can not see Lewis Hamilton endorsing them, not even for all the tea in China.

Just not going to say anything... http://www.youtube.com/embed/HMnMgX7GiOA?rel=0

As I recall the Tee Shirts said: Australia, Where Men Are Men, And Sheep Are Worried.

Even thought it very warm in the UK, it is not the norm and can understand the Aussie Cricket team bringing lots of warm cloths with them. But I just can not understand why the Hotel is complaining about their woolly jumpers and why the RSPCA should be investigating

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales, and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum…. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press nine for an outside line."