Basil B

A ventriloquist, down on his luck, sets up a business as a spiritualist, using his ventriloquial skills to trick clients into believing they could converse with their departed loved ones. On his first day in business a matronly lady comes in and asks to speak with her dead husband. After a half hour of back and forth between the lady and the ventriloquist's simulation of her husband's voice, the séance is over, and the lady pays the ventriloquist his fee. She is so impressed that she adds a fifty dollar tip. Then she asks, “Would it be possible for me to return next week for more discussions with my husband?” “Madam,” the ventriloquist answers, “for a tip like this, you can converse with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water.”

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia drives past a small farm and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, stops his car and walks back and he says to the Aussie. Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?' Aussie: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi. Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Aussie: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Aussie: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either…I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' Aussie: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Aussie: (in a panic) 'Those sheep a f*****g' liars……'

NTSB names pilots on the ill fated Asiana Boeing 777 that crash landed at San Francisco last Saturday. Thanks in part to a rogue intern at the National Transportation Safety Board, KTVU, a local Fox affiliate in the San Francisco Bay area on Friday offered up a cringe-worthy report on the Asiana crash-landing. Here, watch for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?f…..U2m3xf99R4 Edit, Sorry wrong city

Just the usual American thing... got to be different.

"A temporary monk (so how does that work then?) had a bit of luck last week after winning 44 million baht in the national lottery. He said he planned to use some of his winnings to buy a house for his mother and to make a donation to a local orphanage. He also said he wants to find his long lost father and talk to him. Got a feeling his chances of doing that just got a whole lot better." sure is going to find out how popular his mother was...

D.I.Y. by Wan Kier Lady Boy Encounters by Ben Dover

How appropriate my ex now works for KFC, they have a lot in common: small breasts oozing with fat big thighs and in need of a good stuffing

Yes, I want one of them Tee shirts, where is the restaurant? Edit: Found it... Address: 649 SW Main Blvd, Lake City, FL 32025, United States Not FCUKing going there...

I think the same could be said about a cat

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from 25,000 to 45,000 , depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....

not forgetting the "find my ATM" app or should it be "find my ATM's"

And when did you last have to fill out a customs declaration to enter the UK?

No they wont vote for him he is black and has too higher IQ.

I suppose you know when You have been in Pattarya too long when you pass the bars and no longer get "Where you go sexy man" but "Basil, where you go tonight"

DLT just been arrested. http://www.bbc.co.uk.../world-20336798 Edit in: Just found this, must be the most comprehensive who's who's of Auntie Beeb's perverts, even the guy at the end is caught in the act of having his hand up some bird.

As those of you who are from the UK or just visit will know that UKBA have sniffer dogs for sniffing out Drugs, Tobacco and Cash. The “Cash” dogs are used to sniff out undeclared cash in order to prevent money laundering and tax evasion. The good news for those who wish to smuggle out their ill gotten gains is these dogs are shortly to be retired. The bad news is they are to be replaced with something with a far superior nose for sniffing out money. What is it you may ask? A Thai Lady...

Neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for over 20 years " Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him... "Where are you from, you sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?". "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. Spent 40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says yes, I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists? A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening. Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

No, shes hiring it as an office

Anti theft – Car Device I've just ordered you one! IT ARRIVES TOMORROW!!!!! BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.... No one has ever stolen a vehicle equipped with one!

Why volunteer for the job in the first place if he did not like working for nothing? (an Honorary Consul receives a honorarium of about £2,000+ per year (10,000B per month) plus I presume expenses, and gets to all those posh dinners). Given the amount of days the office was closed at least you know which day of the week it will be open. As pointed out HM has a lot of other interests and this position is an on call 24/7 job, as I recall they were looking for a deputy as well which reflects the high workload, certainly not suitable for a part timer.

The job was advertised a few weeks ago, closing date was 23rd September. just found a posting I put up on ThaiVisa:

The question does not make any sense as the units you are quoting are not lengths but units of area, suppose you mean 2 ngan plus 8 square wah, 2 ngan + 8 wah = 8,954 sq.ft

Have not seen "Trouble In Thailand", but a lot has happened (or not happened) in Pattaya while you were incommunicado. Late last year story was circulated saying all over stayers were likely to be arrested when they turned up at Swampy no option to pay fine, this really put the wind up many people, just so happened this coincided with the launch of Pattaya One another HM project. Then there was the guy incarcerated down at Soi9 Monkey house, naked and chained the the cell bars while you were incacerated elsewhere where the conditions were rather better. IMHO HM has just used the job for getting on the junket circuit, attending official dinners and all the photo opportunity's he can with the office closed more often than it is open.

Just picked up the following on Thaivisa This is an extract from "IN PATTAYA NOW" and the full HM's story is here http://inpattayanow.com/2011/10/21/inside-pattaya/british-honorary-consul-in-pattaya-resigns/ Unfortunately the topic was immediate locked by the ThaiVisa Mods preventing any discussion, presumable because of the anticipated negative comments of HM.

When a male can't stand it anymore!