PattayaPete

The Opening Night Party Last night we had our opening party. It was great and terrible all at the same time. It was great to see such a big crowd in to celebrate the opening of Pattaya’s newest bar. Far, far more people than expected turned up and that created quite a few problems on the service front. Then it started to rain so the balcony dwellers fled inside and we ran out of seats in the main bar area. I didn’t expect to see that happen for a year or two as we have 150 seats in that area. The 30 baht drinks all night was perhaps a bit more successful that I thought it would be. With such a big crowd the service staff just couldn’t cope. Fortunately a few friends, including the lovely Mrs MM who came to celebrate pitched in and started serving the thirsty mob. Then the kitchen that only opened for the first time a few hours before started running out of food. Firstly the free chicken wing disappeared in short order and then all the menu stuff as well. The three cooks certainly had a baptism of fire and were ready to expire at the end of the night. By midnight all we had left was French fries and fried rice. So thanks to those that came, apologies if the service was slow or you didn’t get any of the free food or tried to order food off the menu and all your choices were not available. We will do better next time. I was so busy putting out fires I didn’t have time to take any photos. I managed to find a couple posted on the internet but I’d love to see some taken when the crowd was at it’s peak. If you have some please post them here. Cheers from a very tired but happy Pete. Pics found on the internet

Hi Vidman You are not the only one confused so let me explain it a bit better than I have so far. Really what the place is, is a chill out bar where you can relax, get some good but reasonably priced food, cheaper drinks than most other bars, chat with your friends or check out the passing freelancers. It is not a party bar and there will never be "entertainment" other than good food, cheap drinks, rock music and freelancers. I fully understand that will not be to everyone's liking but you may be surprised by just how many do want that sort of a bar. The music was perhaps a little quiet last night and I did turn it up a bit later in the evening but it will never be at a volume where you are spontaneously going to want to dance. What has surprised me so far is that the ladies seem to have grasped the concept quicker than the guys. It seems a lot of Pattaya guys have not visited the Beer Garden in Bangkok and don't understand how it works. The ladies will not be chasing you in the Beer Garden. All the ladies are pretty much available but you will have to indicate some interest before they will approach you. A simple smile, nod of the head or a wave will usually do the job. Last night I was circulating amongst the girls who were all keen to go with me ( a shame Ann was there) but were also happy to just have a chat. If you don't want to be bothered you won't be. If you do want to be bothered you need to be a little pro-active. BTW the fans are very well installed and will not fall off. They are industrial strength fans which all rock a little as they spin (it's called centrifugal force) but they will not fall down. One other thing I should mention here is the ratio of stunners to non-stunners. In Bangkok I'd say it about 50% less than 5s. Thirty five percent 6s and 7s and about 15% 7 and 8s with the occasional 9. If you are looking for the most beautiful girl in Pattaya it is unlikely she will be at the Beer Garden. On the other hand if a nice solid 7 is OK for you and you don't mind that her friends may be a little less than that you will be happy. So far our ratios look much the same. So here's the thing about the Beer Garden. It is different. It is targeted at guys of a certain type. That would be the type that do like freelancers but don't like loud discos. The music is rock, the beer is cold and the ladies are available. If that suits you then you'll probably like the place. If you want a non-stop party then you need to go elsewhere. The place is indeed large and I though it would be a long time before I saw it full. As it rained last night the balconies became unusable and we actually ran out of seating inside the bar. We have 150 seats inside so yes, it was full. I think the 30 baht drinks may have had something to do with that but it was interesting to see the place full. I was also very happy to see quite a few hook-ups happening around me but still most of the girls went home disappointed, including quite a few good lookers Still early days though and we will iron out the problems over the next few weeks. Our biggest problem last night was the service staff could not handle the size of the crowd and it took to long to get guys their drinks and the kitchen ran out of food . TTK To get the discount you have to ask when ordering. It is impossible to know if people are bringing in freelancers or their girlfriends and it probably would not be polite to ask.

We are up and running. We have had a couple of days the whip the staff into shape and its time to get serious. Some of you asked how we will be promoting the bar to the girls. Read on. A big opening party kicks it all off on Tuesday from 8 pm (29 April). All drinks will be 30 baht all night. All drinks means draught beer, bottled beers and top shelf. All 30 baht, all night. There will be free food as well. We will also be running two special promotions starting this Monday (28 April). THE WHAT! NO FREELANCERS DISCOUNT. We are new. It’s going to take a while for the girls to find out about us. We need your help to bring them in and we don’t expect you to do this onerous work for nothing. Bring your own freelancer (BYOF) and you will get an immediate 100 baht discount off your order. At our prices that means you could have two bottled beers and pay absolutely nothing. No restrictions, no conditions. Please ask for the FREELANCER DISCOUNT when ordering. Bring your own and drink for free!!! This promotion runs from now till the end of May. THE HALF PRICE BARFINE PROMOTION. We do not have barfines, however if you come to the Pattaya Beer Garden and there are no girls to your liking, why not barfine one of the 100s of honeys in the beer bars in front of us. There are plenty to choose from and I’ve noticed some real cuties there this week. If you do, we will pay half the barfine. Bring her into the Pattaya Beer Garden and 150 baht of free drinking is yours. That’s three bottles of beer at our prices or a full meal. Two meals if you order some of the Thai dishes. All for free. One hundred and fifty baht off your bill just for barfining a cutie from next door. This promotion runs from now till the end of May. Please ask for the BARFINE DISCOUNT when ordering. MEET THE NEW FREELANCERS Every day from Monday we will be introducing new girls to the bar. We have a team of Thai guys who will be bringing in groups of 10 freelancers at a time to have a look at the place. We will be offering them free Somtum and a small financial inducement to just have a look. They will be arriving each afternoon between 3 pm and 5 pm and then again between 9 pm and 11pm each night. It will help us immensely if there are some guys in the bar for them to check out as well. For helping us by being in the bar at these times, we will be offering 30 baht drinks for each of these two hour session. That’s 30 baht for soft drinks, draught beer, bottled beer, and all spirits. No restrictions at all. You don’t even have to ask. Just order a drink at these two times and you bill will be 30 baht per drink. When each group of freelancers arrives, they will be given a brief introduction to the bar and the way it works and then served their free Som Tum. Feel free to wander over and say Hi or in the finest Beer Garden tradition, just smile at one you like and I’m sure she will be by your side in an instant. You could even buy her a drink if you like. It’s only going to cost you 30 baht. BIG OPENING PARTY The BIG Opening Party is on Tuesday (29 April). It kicks off at 7 pm and goes to midnight. Come and see Pattaya’s newest bar, Pattaya’s biggest bar and Pattaya first real freelancer bar and eat free and drink cheaply. We will be offering 30 baht for all drinks and free chicken wings throughout the night. Check out the best views in Pattaya, meet a freelancer or two and wish us well for the new bar. At 30 baht a drink you’re bound to have a merry old time. You can not combine two offers but you can choose which one you want if you qualify for more than one. Thai staff can be a bit slow when it comes to understanding such promotions. Please state clearly to your waitress which promotion you want. Here are some of the photos I’ve taken at the bar over the past couple of days. Workers applying the finishing touches to the bar. This pic was taken at midnight on Thursday. The guys really pulled out the stops to get it finished. Loading in essential supplies on Friday morning. The staff assemble for the first time. They are a friendly bunch and have been training hard to provide the best service possible. They even managed to loosen up a little for the official first staff photo. The view from inside the bar looking out across Balcony number 2. We are already to go . . . . . . . just add customers. Thanks for reading this rather long explanation. I hope to see some of you at the party on Tuesday night or at the bar in the near future. Cheers Pete

Just a brief note guys to say we did not manage to open today (Thursday 24th). Quite a few guys dropped by to say hi but the workers were putting the finishing touches to everything. They have just finished now It's 1 am Friday. I don't think any of them have worked so hard in their lives. Anyway, we will definitely be open tomorrow. Well, the bar will be but the restaurant is still a few days away. I was going to post some pics and detail the exciting promotions we will be running from Saturday but I'm knackered, so will do that tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you at the Pattaya Beer Garden. Cheers Pete

This should be called the lack of progress report. As I feared, Sonkran reared its ugly head and progress over the past week has been virtually non-existent. The new bar had been a hive of activity but I got a quick feeling for how Sonkran week was going to go when I turned up on Friday 11 April and instead of seeing 20 workers going for it, there was one lonely man in the corner doing some tiling. Even the electrician who had promised he would work through Songkran suddenly discovered a dead relative and had to leave to join the celebrations. The big construction boss who had suggested labour may be short during the week disappeared to Chang Mai and has not reappeared yet. Hopefully I'll see him again on Monday. The sign which I did indeed photoshop has been slowly appearing over the past week but has been seriously interrupted by rain showers and although once again the big sign boss said his workers would be there throughout Sonkran, I have not seen them for a few days now. It looks like something the kids did at the moment. My artistic impression. The sad reality. It will come right though in due course. Well today is the 20th and we are not ready to open. I have high hopes that all my workers will reappear on Monday and we will be set to have the soft opening this Thursday (24 April). We should definitely be go for the official opening on 29 April . . . that is next Tuesday. Moral of the story - don't try and build a bar during Songkran week coz it aint going to happen What else can I do but leave you with some pics of the craziness that got in the way. Pete

I am really enjoying the process of building this bar. Ten years ago when I started FLB I was so wary of being ripped off, befuddled by bureaucracy and screwed over by tradesmen that I really did not have time to enjoy the process. This time round I know much more than I did then and feel much more secure dealing with the Thais. In fact I’ve had such a good experience with the Thais surrounding this project I’m starting to wonder if I’m dreaming. Progress has been spot on with the timetable I drew up and if anything we are a little ahead of schedule. Quotes have been reasonable and work has been done up to scratch and on time. The one thing which makes me nervous is the fear of not delivering on what I have promised. The talk around town and on the forum about this bar has been very positive. Lots of people have said they feel this is just what Pattaya needs and they are looking forward to checking it out. Quite a few have expressed confidence that I am the man to get it done right, as well. I hope they are right! It is certainly my mission to meet and hopefully exceed expectations but it still makes me nervous. Hers a few pics of the work in progress. The Big Bar starts to take shape 70 meters of bar. It sure looks big to me. This huge piece of metal is actually one of the speaker brackets Here’s the very securely placed ladder used to install the speaker brackets And a guy welding it into place The same guy dead after he fell off the ladder. Not really . . . just tired after working so hard. The bar starts to get some colour. I was hoping to be a bit more detailed about all the various things that have to be done to make a project like this fly but of course, now we are in the thick of it time seems to be short and I have not been as diligent as I’d prefer. One funny story though was shopping for the big bars granite top. As there is 70 meters of bar and we have two surfaces to cover I was expecting it to be expensive. Once we arrived at the granite shop Ann who has expensive taste immediately picked out the most expensive granite they had. It was marked as 4,200 baht per metre. I just about shat myself. A quick calculation worked out at 588,000 just for the bar tops. Fortunately it turns out that price is for one metre square and we only need 35 odd sq metres per surface so at 294,000 baht I’m feeling a bit better. Then it turns out that this particular granite is from Italy and the Thais make an identical style locally and it’s only 500 baht per sq metre so that’s now 35,000 baht. Man, I didn’t have a clue but the price went from 588,000 baht to 35,000 baht in about two minutes. That put a smile on my face. Recruiting has been going well. We are paying over the norm and are getting some really good applicants as a result. The biggest relief was to finally hire our head Chef. The woman we found is just perfect and she has already been helping me knock the kitchen design and menu into shape. Thanks to everyone who prompted a friend to apply. I think we have just about hired everyone proposed by a board member but we do have a few more to follow up on. We are still looking for a few more service staff so if you know someone who may be interested tell them to call Ann on 081-826-4409. Songkran is just a few days away and I’m hoping to get most of the work done before the craziness starts. Trying to get deliveries will be hell while water madness is taking place so the pressure is really on. The sound system should be complete tomorrow, bar stools arrive on Thursday, TV’s arrive Friday and the brackets are already in place. The big job still waiting some serious action is the Kitchen but now our Chef is on the case I expect that to come together quickly. Our industrial strength beer fridges which have been made to order arrive on the 17th and that is one of the most important things. I’ve spoken with a few freelancers about the project and they have all been quite enthusiastic about the new venue. Still they are the least controllable and probably the most important aspect of the place. We have some great promotions ready to launch to help drag them in and introduce them to the bar. More on this once the opening is at hand. Our firm dates for opening our now 20 April soft opening. It could be a little dodgy from a service point of view for the first few days as we work out all the bugs in the system and do some serious staff training. We still look good for the official opening party on the 29th April. I hope to see lots of you there. Pete

Two shifts, Bob, 10am - 6pm and 6pm - 2am. I'm leaning towards the service staff keeping their own tips but have not decided for sure yet.

Waitress starting salary is 7,000 baht.

Thanks Dave

We are looking for staff - can you help.? We are desperately looking for a Chef to take on the management of the restaurant staff, help with planning menus, kitchen design and hiring kitchen hands. Although a Thai national is preferred we will consider a farang with the right experience. We are also hiring the full range of service staff, including waiters and waitresses, bar tenders and door people. A generous salary starting from 7,000 baht per month or more, depending on experience, is offered. Thai nationals only. Applicants must have reasonable English skills. If you know someone who may be interested you can PM me or get them to call the following numbers. Thai - 081-826-4409 English 081-852-2647 Note: There are no bar fines or lady drinks for staff at Pattaya Beer Garden. It's a safe job for your girlfriend, daughter or other female acquaintances.

If you move your mouse pointer over the right side of the pic a next button pops up. Move it over the left side and a previous button pops up. Pictures load almost instantaneously for me.

A Small Tribute to a Fine Man: Late on Sunday afternoon 17 February Chris, the English husband of Khun Visa, the founder of the Pattaya Today newspaper, passed away after a short but painful battle with cancer. He was just 53 years old. My association with Visa and Chris began just over five years ago. Athough I cannot claim to have known Chris well, I can say that in all the time I knew him he was always unfailingly pleasant and polite, very much an English gentleman. He tried very hard in the early and still-struggling days of the newspaper to find ways of attracting revenue and while there’s no doubt it was Visa’s strength, integrity, and delightful personality that drove it forward, Chris was always there providing quiet support. Our hearts and sincerest condolences go out to Khun Visa and her family, especially their 10-year-old son Leon. I’m not a particular fan of Shakespeare but a couple of lines from Hamlet do seem appropriate at this sad time: ‘Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet Prince, and flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest.’ Twelve Good Months: Soi Kao Noi, known somewhat officially and rather tongue-twistingly as Soi Watboonsumpun, is on what many local expats refer to as the ‘dark’ side of Sukhumvit Road, the main thoroughfare that splits Fun Town. Over the last few years as more and more developments spring up on the ‘dark’ side there has been a concomitant increase in the number of boozers offering not just alcoholic refreshments but the company of ladies of dubious morals. The Paradise boozer in Soi Kao Noi will be celebrating its first birthday with a big party on 1 March so if you happen to be down that way or fancy a look at what there is to offer in the area then just look out for the standard party balloons and an uncomfortable looking pig. A Sly Puff or 10: While the no-smoking ban became official on 11th February (in my last column I had it down as the 17th) the local authorities have apparently allowed a grace period from now until the end of May for entertainment venues and nosheries to allow it to come into effect. That said, there are a number of entertainment places whose management have decided to implement the new regulations with immediate effect, and this includes some outdoor beer boozers. Naturally, this ban has gone over like a lead balloon with die-hard cancer-stick addicts with some deciding to vote with their feet and refusing to patronise these places. If the ban is truly enforced in the next few months I wonder where these people are going to go? Are they really never going to venture into the nocturnal habitat of the wallet-emptying bi-ped and instead turn into a chain-smoking anti-social hermit? Of course not. I was in one ogling den a few nights after the commencement of the ban and a sign on the front door said ‘no smoking’. Inside the vast majority of imbibers seemed to be having a wonderful time playing with the friendly chrome pole molesters (all of whom were told they had to go outside if they required a drag on a fag). Then I spotted a couple of people with a lit cigarette and when I inquired further I was told the management preferred it if people didn’t smoke but they weren’t going to stop anyone who really felt the need for a puff. Of course, once the first few raids by the puffabilly revenue raisers (read: cash-strapped plod) have taken place -almost certainly on boozers owned by foreigners rather than the impoverished locals- just watch how fast the ban will become total and across-the-board. A Daytime Secret: On Sunday 9 March the Secrets boozatorium and nosh house (Soi 14, off Walking Street) is going to hold a party to announce the commencement of daytime dancing and music for the establishment. Management have recognised that although they do a reasonable trade in quiet alcoholic refreshments to thirsty imbibers during most afternoons, there are those who might appreciate having a few coyote-style dancers and a little bit of aural stimulation to keep them optically entertained through the depths of a hot afternoon in Fun Town. Secrets will be starting this experiment from 9 March onwards, commencing every day at 1:00PM. Case of Mistaken Identity: I have written this before and feel the need to do so again. There is a free tourist publication in Fun Town that has a nightlife column called ‘Out for a Beer’. It has been a feature of the publication for many years and I’ve often been asked if I am the contributor. I have never written anything for ‘Out for a Beer’ or any other part of the publication, at any time during its existence. I do know that Steve, one of the owners of the Tahitian Queen II chrome pole palace in Soi BJ, off Walking Street, wrote the column up until his untimely demise. Anybody who read the piece on a regular basis could not have failed to notice the number of times TQ II was given a wrap. Since Steve’s death I don’t know who the current author of the column is as I don’t read it, but you can be assured it is not me. I mean no offence to the current writer of the column, I just want people to be aware that Pattaya Today and Pattaya Trader are the only printed publications for which I write about nightlife. The ‘Nightmarch’ column is also translated into German and published in Hallo Magazin. What Are You Calling That? My regular reader, who I happen to regard as a reliable source, was mightily unimpressed with the new Rocket ogling den situated upstairs from the popular Paris chrome pole palace in Soi Diamond. Although managed by the well-known and almost iconic Khun Satit, it appears the place could well be heading for the murky waters of ordinariness if the owners and management don’t start thinking a little more about their potential long-term customer base. Having just returned from parts foreign my regular reader was out with a friend and decided to order a glass of lolly water rather than commence the evening partaking of his usual drop of amber fluid. He writes: ‘Imagine my surprise when the bird came back carrying a tiny glass (like the ones you have whisky and coke in) full of ice and a trickle of what she claimed was diet coke, and a bill for 95 baht. I registered my shock, and asked for the can, as is usual for that price, and she refused, so we shook our heads, huffed, paid the bill and left, never to return. I am sure that must be the most expensive soft drink rip off in Pattaya.’ It wasn’t the price he objected to, it was the fact the bar was attempting to follow the standard business practices of many take-away franchises by filling a cup with enough ice to start a polar cap and pouring not much more than a baby’s dribble into the narrow gorges and offering this as some kind of thirst-quencher. Around and About: The Spicy Girls ogling den has closed down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1 and reopened its doors down in Soi Post Office (Soi 13/2). It is on the same side as the popular daytime den Club Nevada (which, I’m led to believe has introduced a non-smoking policy, of cigarettes of course, for those of you, like me, with warped minds) and Hot & Cold and is about half-way up the soi between this pair. Along with the Far East Rock chrome pole palace it adds to the allure of the soi for those who like to look at ladies in various states of undress in air-conditioned comfort. My spies tell me Far East Rock is yet to embrace the no-smoking ban. For the first time in over 15 years the place where Spicy Girls once stood (and before it the Papillon ogling den) is now an empty shell. Chances are that if it does once more open as a boozer it will be catering to the pink brigade rather than the distaff side of the chromosome pool. E Goth, a truly spanking new den of the off-the-wall style of ogling den in Soi BJ (off Walking Street), has followed the pattern of most places located in the depths of this narrow alleyway and closed its doors for lack of interest. I did hear an unconfirmed rumour that one of the owners, an American, had suffered a financial reverse when his long-term Thai girlfriend (allegedly they had known each other for five weeks) absconded with the till takings while her devoted paramour was back in his homeland gathering more acorns for the winter. I have to confess to not taking notice of the precise name, but down in Soi Honey Inn (Soi 11, off Second Road) a new den of the chrome pole opened its doors in late February. I think it is called Honey, but whatever its name the management don’t appear to have much of an idea about attracting repeat customers, apart, perhaps, from their mates. How a new den, with less than a dozen dancing maidens, most of whom looked as though they would be more comfortable packing down in a rugby scrum rather than damaging a chrome pole, can justify charging 100 baht for bottled amber fluid almost beggars belief. This is the Soi Buakhow area (aka the English Patient) and, as such, the majority of potential customers are really going to demand value for their ogling baht. I doubt they’ll view this place as providing anything resembling value. Piece of Pith: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Another One Bites the Dust: According to an email I received from a local bar-hound, rumour suggests the Misty’s gogo (Pattayaland Soi 2) will be closing down around the end of March. Given the gradual shift of the soi into the similar gender-confused status of its next door neighbour Pattayaland Soi 1, it may be no real surprise Misty’s is closing after 12 years of operations. There is one cocks-in-frocks den just across the soi and I think two or three pink palaces as well while the number of distaff dens has dwindled to just five, including Misty’s, in recent years. Misty’s is set to open up in Walking Street, where the money really is nowadays. Worthy of a Silent Film: The latest coyote-style dancing den to open its doors is Club Blu (Soi Buakhow). Situated right on the corner of Soi LK Metro and opposite the popular Stereo beer boozer and snooker hall, Club Blu is a spacious rectangle with plenty of young and attractive talent on display and it’s certainly taken off as far as punters are concerned with a good crowd in the night I checked it out. Heading towards the place I couldn’t help thinking I was watching something out of a silent film. No sound, naturally, was coming out onto the street, but the whole place is enclosed by clear-glass and the dancing girls were writhing about like people slowly asphyxiating. Of course the reason for the unnatural gyrations is pretty obvious once you step inside and are assailed by the music. Still Going Strong: I was recently sent a lengthy email by a usually reliable source concerned about the financial goings-on in the popular Club Oasis gogo (Soi Buakhow). The upshot was a suggestion the den was experiencing financial problems. I haven’t been able to ascertain the truth, or otherwise, of this assertion, but on a recent Wednesday evening I wandered in to check the joint out. There were at least 24 dancers who had fronted up for work and by midnight a dozen of these had been barfined. Quite a number of those left were attractive or at least alluring enough to have found work in most dens and the place, while not packed, was doing good business. The serving wenches, very often a good barometer of the health of a den, were dashing about the place with smiles on their faces and joking with each other and customers. If there ever was a problem it appears, at least on the surface, to have been well and truly sorted out. Tales from the Crib: The life of a gigolo can prove to be quite a bummer if the following story is anything to go by. Denis the Menace, mine host of the OK Corral beer boozer and sports emporium (Soi Rungland), related the following anecdote concerning an amusing incident that occurred to the son of a quite famous British comedian of the 1920s-1950s. While his father had a statue erected to mark his achievements in the field of entertainment, the son apparently makes his living as a professional ladies man. A regular visitor to Thailand, the ageing but still charismatic gigolo, who we’ll nickname ‘Banjo’, was in Pattaya accompanied by a Thai lady. She requested her beau’s help in instructing her niece, fresh out of the trees and off the back of a buffalo in the village, in the ways of coital activities as they apply to the average foreign male. Being an obliging kind of chap, as gigolo’s are wont to be, he readily agreed to give the required instruction and took the girl under his wing. In the first instance he renovated her less-than-acceptable wardrobe and soon had her dressed in more than jeans and a tacky buffalo-snotted T-shirt. She was then sent off to the hairdresser to be coiffed in modern fashion. Finally, she went to a beauty shop for the application of war paint and new shiny nails. Of course, all expenses were borne by her aunt, as the whole point of being a gigolo is not to spend any of your own wedge. Happy with the end result on the visual front, Banjo then retired to the boudoir with the aunt, the trainee niece, and a video camera. This last was purely for the purposes of use later as an instructional tool. Naturally the aunt commenced the training proceedings in order to give her inexperienced and still somewhat shy niece a chance to get an idea of how things are done when it comes to the art of mattress dancing. At one point the aunt, with her mouth full (and not of food, so this would not be classified as impolite in the etiquette books), asked her paramour how her niece could be helping with the act of sexual congress currently in progress. Banjo suggested the niece might like to use one hand to stroke his knackers while placing the finger of the other hand in a place where the sun never shines. It appears the niece took to the latter activity with a little too much relish and suddenly Banjo had an extremely unpleasant feeling emanating from the back door. Ceasing all erotic activity, Banjo wriggled into Kama Sutra position number 181, basically on all fours. The aunt, with assistance from the niece, stared into what must really have seemed like a black hole in the hope of recovering one of the latter’s new shiny nails which had come adrift during the training session. After much peering, pointing and, slightly painful poking and prodding, the aunt suddenly exclaimed, “We’ve found something!” Then, with a deflated mutter she noted, “Oh, it’s only a corn kernel.” The search for the missing nail continued unsuccessfully, and finally Banjo decided to relax and let nature take its course. Eventually the nail passed back the way it came and Banjo was able to once more sit without discomfort. It just goes to show that the life of a professional gigolo is not all it’s cracked up to be. Smoking update As of Sunday night 17 February, there were a number of dens banning smoking as well as outdoor beer boozers. Others weren’t concerned, while still others were banning it until midnight. After the witching hour it became OK because they think the police don’t work after that hour! Piece of Pith: The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Left turn on red is ok providing there is no traffic proceeding through the green light and also providing there is no sign prohibiting a left turn on red (you need to read Thai of course). The correct procedure when being stopped by police in Isaan is to discreetly proffer a 100 baht note.

Not in any of the bars I've been to. Try 90 - 150 pesos for one bottle and you'd be about right, unless you buy if for a girl in which case 250 pesos for one bottle would be nearer the mark.

More more is gogo dancers answer if you want them to gogo Overpriced and Underlayed: There was a time, about a decade ago, before the spread of the mobile phone and the rise of Internet cafes and the advent of email, when the dancing damsels of Fun Town were prepared to ‘work the room’ in an effort to not only obtain money from libations but would be prepared to offer their mattress dancing skills for a sensible remuneration. Of course there were always the so-called superstars who considered their baby-making factory was lined with gold and smelt like an orchid farm and consequently refused to depart their den of employ for anything less than the average Gross National Product of a minor African nation. Seguel forward to the current high season and I am constantly being amazed by the amounts of the folding stuff people are prepared to part with in order to gain some misguided bragging right of saying they ‘shagged’ the best-looking chrome pole hugger in a particular den. Perhaps, more to the point, it’s how often they are willing to continue handing over enough wedge to choke an elephant to the same damsel in the misguided belief they are somehow also opening a path to what may pass for a heart in the vast majority of these mattress actresses. I have no problem with many of the dens putting up their bar fines during the silly season to 1,000 baht or more. After all, they make their real money from selling booze, not from selling little shaven or partially-bushed felines. An empty den of dancers means an empty den of imbibers. I don’t know what amazes me more, the amounts being demanded by the over-inflated egos of the shufflers or the willingness of so many sex-starved customers to part with so much moolah once their small head takes control of their brain. And it’s not the old farts who are necessarily coughing up the large amounts, most in excess of 3,000 baht for an evening of organ reciting, many of the younger visitors (aged between 20 and 30) seem to be so desperate to be seen parading about with a good sort on their arms they’re prepared to pay through the nose for the dubious privilege. Of course, as I’ve always said, the job of the mattress actresses is to extract as much money as they possibly can from as many walking wallets in the shortest time possible for the least amount of effort. Good luck to them. If there are males out there who really think handing over large amounts of legal tender (in comparison to the real cost of living in Thailand, not Mayfair, London) to nubile young rice farmers daughters this will somehow endear themselves to the recipients then they’re living in a parallel universe to the real world. Obsessed About Noise: It seems as if the latest in what appears to be a trend in opening packed-lunch-in-a-dress dens, this one called Obsessions (Pattayaland Soi 2), is upsetting the neighbours. Located in the Penthouse sleeping palace and next door to the Kittens gogo, the music coming out of the place is allegedly at a decibel level designed to send punters inside the place deaf, while making normal conversation in the open-air joints across the soi increasingly difficult. I received a complaint about the alleged noise from long-time Fun Town resident Terry, the operator of the popular Shamrock beer boozer and noshery, which is located diagonally opposite Obsessions. Terry claims repeated requests to turn the volume down to acceptable levels fall on deaf ears. Perhaps this is no surprise, they are probably asking long-term employees of the said den who are now reduced to lip reading. He also claims Thai staff physically assaulted more than one of Terry’s customers who have taken the trouble to go across and ask for the din to be declined. From all accounts both Obsessions and Kittens are not well patronised and so the staff from these venues have plenty of time on their idle hands. A Place to Get Wasted: In the interests of promoting healthy livers and responsible drinking I shouldn’t really mention this, but the Taboo gogo (Soi 16, off Walking Street) has what they call sambuca Sundays and then follow-up with tequila Tuesdays. You’ve been warned. Expanding the Waistline: A couple of months ago the ever-thinking management of the Heaven Above gogo (Soi Diamond) gave the interior of the den a few tweaks at the edges by pushing the wet bar back through a side wall and also made a separate booth for the DJ at the rear. This increased their seating capacity by about 10-15 percent, a major plus for the bar. On a recent chrome pole molesting inspection I have to say there was one lady of sullied virtue who, by any yardstick, rated a 10 out of 10, at least under UV lighting. Two Years of X: Down in the Covent Garden Complex in Soi 16 the X-Zone gogo celebrated its second anniversary with a big party on 21 December. The den has a good happy hour with all libations at just 50 baht, apparently this includes imported bottles of amber liquid and breezers. After 2:00AM the bar fine for dancing damsels drops to just 300 baht, a move pioneered by the New Living Dolls 1 chrome pole palace (Walking Street) and since adopted by a few other places with, so I’m led to believe, quite good results. I know X-Zone recruited a new mamasan and along with her came a clutch of professional pole dancers, but by the time you read this the ever-changing vagaries of the Fun Town bar scene may mean there’s a new mob bounding about the rather cavernous interior. Still, given the value of its happy hour it is probably worth at least a thirst-quencher or two to check it out. A Stitch in Time: I have seen some strange occurrences in dens of the chrome pole, but recently the Baby Dolls establishment (Soi 15, off Walking Street) held a birthday/New Years party and, I swear this is true, one customer spent literally hours sat, mostly by himself, engaged in the fine art of knitting. Let me set the scene if I can. Here is a den, filled with happily slurping customers, where a platoon of chrome pole molesters are on the main stage wearing scarcely enough clothing to keep the chills of the air-conditioning at bay; where a squad of ladies armed with soft rubber implements are either reddening the exposed cheeks of other dancers or using their tongues to clean, cat-like, the intimate cavities of their sisters; where a trio of birthday-suited belles are engaged in both individual and collective ablutions in a Jacuzzi big enough to float a 12-metre racing yacht, and we have a man who spent his entire time knitting. He reminded me of a cross between a Hobbit and a stereotypical pervert (and I mean this in the nicest way), so perhaps his stitch-one, pearl-one activities were some kind of therapy recommended by a Harley Street specialist as a way of overcoming an addiction to glossy stroke magazines featuring garishly-dressed female garden gnomes. Of course he could just have been trying to give up smoking and needed to keep his hands full. Personally, I could find a far more tactile and interesting method of keeping my hands full, and it wouldn’t mean there’d be any chance of dropping a stitch. He did manage to complete a minor creation: a light-blue crocheted brassiere, which he presented to the mamasan. Throughout all this he never removed a giant shoulder bag, which may well have contained all his worldly goods. Having presented the bra, he dug into his bag of goodies, pulled out another ball of wool and started work on a new ensemble. Changing the subject slightly, if there is one complaint about Baby Dolls it’s the large television screen being located behind the Jacuzzi. How are socceraholics supposed to watch a match between, say, Accrington Stanley and Charlton Athletic, or Knobhead United and Wanchor City, when there are two or three young, sexy, fully-lathered ladies wearing nothing but eye-makeup as they fiddle with their interesting bits blocking their view? It’s enough to make you take up knitting. Around the Poles: Located as it is in the depths of Soi BJ, off Walking Street, it’s no surprise to hear the E gogo, styled as a Goth chrome pole palace, doesn’t do much business in the early hours of the evening at least. If you are wondering about the location, just follow any male you see on Walking Street wearing black clothes, heavy silver jewellery, black eye make-up and lipstick. The former Climax head-bangers beer boozer (Walking Street) has been remodelled and turned into a den of the chrome pole and named Magic Palace (because your money disappears faster than you can say som dtam perhaps?). The Blue Angel gogo (Soi 7) has managed to stay open for far longer than many would have thought. I can’t really give much of an appraisal of the place because when I last looked in there were three or four bored-looking dancers of ample girth on the stage and it had all the ambience of a mortuary. Could have been an off night I guess, but the ‘blue’ in the name was certainly the impression it gave me. In the same blue vein, the only other distaff gogo in the soi, Silver Star III, might boast a Jacuzzi (ho hum, another one), but its complement of dancers could certainly do with some radical dietary advice. Piece of Pith: ‘Sometimes I fear going home to Boots and Woolworths and cafeterias, and I’d be a stranger now even in the White Horse.’ (taken from Our Man in Havana, Graham Greene)

I have to ask why. Don't you believe me or don't you care. What these mafia people do is FORCE people in their power to do this and then take ALL the money. The beggars get fed if they are lucky and a place to sleep when not working that you would not keep pigs in. They traffic people from Burma and Cambodia specifically to work for them. Sometimes these people are abducted and sometimes coerced and sometimes threatened with violence if they don't do as they are told. As they are in the main illegal immigrants they are told they will be sent to jail and beaten up if they go to the police. Children are also forced to become beggars and street sellers. These kids do not go to school and are not cared for by the mafia. They are used and abused. The reason this continues to happen is that there is good money in it for the Mafia types and tourists refuse to believe that they are doing real harm to the beggars and fuelling this illegal activity by giving money. It makes me so mad!!! Nothing in Thailand is as it seems but if you want to ignore the facts I have given and continue to hurt these people keep on giving them money. The story below is from the Bangkok post a few years ago. Sadly the effort like most Thai crack downs lasted a few months and fizzled out. BANGKOK, May 12 (TNA) - The government today announced the launch of a major crackdown on begging gangs, while urging the public to refrain from giving money to beggars and purchasing goods from child vendors. Twinned with a programme to assist the victims of begging gangs, the Ministry of Social Development and Human Security crackdown will begin on an unspecified date later this month. Today the ministry convened a meeting with agencies, including the Royal Thai Police, the Bangkok Metropolitan Administration (BMA), the Interior Ministry and the Labour Ministry, to announce plans for the sweeping move, which will begin in Bangkok before being extended to the rest of the country. Mr. Wanlop Phloytabtim, the ministry's permanent secretary, told delegates that the focus of the crackdown would be on the heads of begging 'mafias' who controlled teams of disabled, elderly or child beggars. The beggars themselves would be offered social accommodation and skills training if they are Thai nationals, but would be repatriated if they are foreign nationals, he said, adding that the government would work with the countries concerned to ensure that the beggars did not return to Thailand. The government hopes that by appealing to the public to refrain from giving money to beggars, or purchasing goods from child vendors, it will be able to successfully slash through begging rings. Noting that the money given to beggars fell into the hands of the gangmasters, rather than the beggars themselves, Mr. Wanlop said: "These people are aware that Thais have a tendency to feel sorry for people; so they get the elderly, disabled and children to beg for them, or sell things. But the money goes into their own pockets". According to recent research by ministry officials, there are 13 major begging areas in Bangkok, home to at least 180 beggars. These include the Victory Monument, the World Trade Center, the Chatuchak Market and other central locations. Although there is no legislation in Thailand which specifically outlaws begging, there are other related laws which can be used to prosecute the gangmasters.

This subject comes up periodically and I always give the same answer. Sadly the message never seems to get through. As alluded to above all beggars you see in the streets of Thailand are run by the beggar Mafia. If an independent tries to set up shop they will be closed down by the police. The beggar Mafia are not nice people. They abuse their "employees", indulge in human trafficking and sometimes mutilate their employees to gain more sympathy for them. Any contribution you make encourages this inhuman trade. If everybody stopped giving tomorrow many people would get their lives back and more importantly many future victims would be saved. You might be easing your conscience by dropping a few coins in a bucket but you are causing real harm to real people by doing so. Don't give money to these people. If you want to help the less fortunate give your money to recognised charities, or if you want to personalise it, visit one of the orphanages, the street kid centre or the Camillian centre for aids victims and give the money to these truly needy people.

Well, there have been 366 posts so far today so I don't think your problem is with the number of posts. If you were a mod and had to read each one you'd be complaining of too much posting If you don't like what you are reading or feel different topics should be covered then as always the thing to do is to get busy and post some thought provoking, interesting (to you) stuff of your own and see what happens.

Give Me Some Hot Stuff Baby This Evening: I don’t know if the word ‘sophistication’ and ‘Pattaya’ can realistically be used in the same sentence when referring to night (and afternoon, for that matter) entertainment venues employing damsels of easy virtue, but there really seems to be a sea-change shift in much of the newer places opening about Fun Town. By no means would I call the Hotties Club, which officially opened its sliding doors for business with a big bash on Saturday night 1 December, ‘sophisticated’, but I would call it ‘fun’. The joint, another of the strangely-named coyote dance clubs, is situated at the back of the new beer boozer complex located almost opposite Mike Shopping Mall on Second Road. My understanding is the entire area has in fact been put together by the eponymous Mike. It was standing room only as you can imagine at the opening, but I would think it will do quite well in the long run as its floor-to-ceiling windows allow punters to watch what’s going on in the beer boozers as well as the action in the air-conditioned den. The place is owned by the well-known Khun Lek, the operator of the long-running Classroom 2000 ogling den and Honeypot shake-your-butt club in Soi 2. This is the furthest south Lek and her sister Khun Toy have ventured in their bar-operating career for some time, but they have a friendly foreign manager, a live band playing good older popular music, a DJ who also spins discs that would be familiar to most people, and, most importantly, plenty of ladies of nocturnal habits and professional acumen. Most are friendly and interact with the customers. Libations are reasonably priced with house liver wasters at 95 baht. Going to the Devil and Back: It’s very hard to recommend a place you’ve only had a strictly business-style relationship with (no sniggering, it’s true, despite the rumours going around), but I think I’m fairly safe in suggesting the Hell Club in Soi LK Metro is well worth investing an hour-and-a-half of your precious time, especially if you are into trios and energetic activities involving mattresses, baby oil, rubber tools and the odd electrical appliance. I have two friends -this fact comes as a great shock to most people I might add- who have enjoyed the very hands-on facilities and activities offered by the ladies employed in the Hell Club and since the management offer a ‘satisfaction guaranteed or your money back’ deal then it really is worth a look. They also cater to the odd fetish or two, although if you’d like to have a lady play John Philip Sousa’s ‘Star and Stripes Forever’ on a mouth organ while dressed as an Argentine admiral you may have to come back another time. Just be aware if you do want to check out the lying-in facilities you’ve got to be well and truly ‘up for it’, as my Pommy mates say. No More Kitty Litter: Lanky Bob, who first started propping up an end of an ogling den bar way back in about 1995, sold his share in the Catz chrome pole palace (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) at the end of October to a young American investor. The Birmingham, England native may well have put his cue in the rack but when I asked him what his future plans might entail he said he certainly wouldn’t be doing anything for at least six months, although he has given up smoking. During the course of conversation he did use the words ‘gay’ and ‘bar’ in the same sentence, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t completely turned turtle and become an uphill gardener in his dotage. Cheapest in Town? The New Living Dolls 1 ogling den (Walking Street) can probably lay claim to the cheapest and longest (in terms of time per night) happy hours in Fun Town. The den kicks into life around 8:00PM and the happy hour offers libations from draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut for just 39 baht. I don’t know how they’re making any money at that price, with most other happy hours around town being more in the 45-55 baht range. The line-up of dancing damsels is a pretty good one compared to a lot of other places, although most are hard-core veterans in terms of time spent in the bar-finable trenches. They, like most chrome pole huggers who’ve spent a few months or even years honing their wallet-emptying skills can pick a potential ‘mark’ within four and a half seconds of the punter traversing the threshold. Beware the Makeup Artists: Down in Soi LK Metro the Champagne chrome pole palace remains a popular venue, and it seems to be even more so since the back area was renovated. There are plenty of dancing damsels, with seven or eight on stage at any one time in various stages of undress. Liver wasters are 100 baht, bottled Singha beer is 90 baht, and standard lady drinks 95 baht. The management organises a free pizza night every Wednesday and Friday, until 1:00AM. It’s a reasonably friendly den, which I think is one reason it does quite well, even though the ‘quality’ of chrome pole molester is fairly average. As any regular Fun Town den lurker knows, a darkish room and UV light can hide a multitude of less-than-alluring physical traits, as a mate found to his chagrin when he took a lithe dancer from Champagne back to his room for an organ-grinding session. She looked pretty good in the bar, but once the makeup came off he thought he’d paid the bar for Methuselah’s elder sister. Nice lady as he said, just that she had a head like a robber’s dog. Down the road in the same soi the weirdly-named Gorkle was dead. There was one customer in the joint and about six or eight bored-looking dancers. This was quite surprising considering it was about 11:00PM on a Saturday night when I stuck my melon through the door. It could have been an ‘off’ night I suppose, but the place was completely bereft of any ambience. Tales from the Crib: One of my ever-tumescent friends recently had a great mattress actress experience with a young lady of loose morals who he found cavorting about in the recently-opened Insomnia Club (Soi Diamond). While he was engaged in the standard game of playing hide-the-salami the lady’s phone rang. She looked at the number, placed her fingers to her lips and told my friend to be quiet, as the call (at around 3:00AM mind you) was from her English boyfriend. She answered in the sweet way of one who has the sounds of honesty and sincerity down to a fine art (insert the name of any politician here). While she was assuring her dribbling paramour of undying love and devotion my friend told me he decided to spend the time exploring the region between the young ladies legs with his tongue, an act commonly referred to in medical journals, dictionaries, and sophisticated stroke magazines wrapped in plastic as cunnilingus (this is not to be confused with the Irish national airline Aer Lingus). Now, so far no one reading this should be surprised. After all, this has to be one of the oldest of stories, but what makes it just a little more interesting is the 50-something boyfriend kept ringing the girl every 40-50 minutes until after 6:00AM. She kept insisting she was home in bed tucked up with her sister and a nice bowl of noodles, while in reality she was acting out moves from the Kama Sutra and chewing on a lump of meat. The moral of the story: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, not Florence Nightingale with a halo. One of these days I’m going to write yet another book and put all these stories in it as a collection and call it Gullible’s Travels. Mamasan Memo: It appears as though the Club Boesche ogling den (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) has incurred the wrath of the Steering Committee of the Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective. In a recent memo sent to members it states: ‘It has come to our attention that one of the mamasans working in Club Boesche does not possess the requisite age and physical attributes of such a position as defined by the Trade Descriptions Act (BE 2500). The Act states a mamasan must be old, fat, and, preferably, ugly. Our sources tell us the mamasan in Club Boesche is relatively young, lithe of body, and facially attractive. We demand the management of this establishment immediately rectify this disgusting state of affairs.’ Piece of Pith: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

A Night of Surprises: It’s very rare for me to venture out into the mean streets of Fun Town and go into four night entertainment venues and be impressed with all four. Yet this is precisely what happened a couple of weeks back when I made a foray into Walking Street. The first place on the agenda was the newly-opened Insomnia Club in Soi Diamond. Situated on the site of the failed Super Models ogling den, the place is billed as a ‘Gentleman’s Club’ and so I figured this being Pattaya the place should just about be empty. It turned out that the evening happened to coincide with some sort of official opening party or someone’s birthday and so there was a reasonable crowd in to inspect the facilities. The place is owned and operated by the same people who run the quite successful Club Insomnia late-night boozatorium in Soi Marina Plaza. The new place has been extensively remodelled and is very tastefully appointed. There are laminated drinks menu cards on all the tables, the seating is comfortable and relaxing and, as with the old Super Models, there is a section upstairs which has been given the name ‘Mile High Lounge’. The dancing maidens are of the coyote variety, that is, dressed in skirts, dresses or shorts with not a lot of flesh on show. As a friend remarked, many of the dancers looked like they were formally employed around the chrome poles of ogling dens and seemed to be just itching to take off as much apparel as possible. There were plenty of quite attractive young ladies of the wallet-emptying persuasion and although were only two dancers on stage at any one time, they only gyrated for the length of one song each and so the turnover on the raised platforms was high. The employed talent was very friendly, making an effort to talk to customers, and this is one key factor that will probably ensure the continued success of the joint. The price of libations is quite high in some cases, although draught amber fluid is 70 baht and lolly water 95 baht, the same impost for lady drinks. As an encouragement to repeat business in both the ‘gentleman’s club’ and the head-bangers auditorium as well as their outdoor Party beer boozer in Soi 8, the management give out laminated VIP cards offering a 20 percent discount on drinks. This brings the libations more into line with most other similar style establishments. Definitely worth having a drink or two in this place. From Insomnia we wandered further down into the garish bowels of Walking Street to check out the new Ocean 10 late-night freelancers boozer. This is on the site of what used to be the Cheerleaders ogling den (closed 1995) and later became the failed Drop-In and Folies Pigalle chrome pole palaces. The new incarnation looks terrific. Personally I have very little interest in spending time in crowded head-banging joints with live bands belting out tunes at aircraft-takeoff decibel level (yes, just shows I’m getting old), but the ambience of this place is worth a libation or six if you like this kind of entertainment. A live band kicks into electric guitar action at around 10:00PM each night and then the techno/house/trance/dance/dangle or whatever it’s called takes over in the later hours. For my money the real attraction of Ocean 10 is to walk through to the rear of the joint and sit outside and have a drink while looking out into Pattaya Bay. The aural delights of the sound system are muffled by the doors leading into the back area. The lights of the Pattaya City sign and the multitude of boats on the bay are worth stopping in for a drink. There’s also a street-watching area at the entrance to Ocean 10 for those who can’t bear the thought of missing the perambulating action on Walking Street. The only negative is that the toilets are still, as they were with the old dens, upstairs. Almost next door to Ocean 10 is the recently remodelled and upgraded Hooty’s ogling den. The place is under new management and re-opened at the beginning of November and can arguably lay claim to having the best selection of music of any den on Walking Street. Some real thought has gone into the aural ambience of the place as well as the rather alluring visual sights you will be subjected to as you wander down the long tunnel (think: return to the womb) at the entrance to the den. The music ranges from well-known 1970s, 1980s and 1990s songs through to good quality modern material. Of course, the DJ, mamasan and the damsels claim they just can’t gyrate to anything other than dance/trance/prance, which is a complete load of bovine excretion: so just what were their mothers, elder sisters, and aunts dancing to back in the early era of chrome pole molesting from 1969 onwards? And, what play palace really has many girls who do much more than hang onto a chrome pole anyway, no matter what music is being churned out? The dancing damsels in Hooty’s were a mixed bag ranging from quite attractive to fairly average, but there were plenty of them. Lady drinks are above the average at 110 baht, but as most of the chrome pole molesters appeared friendly with customers this factor alone should consistently draw punters back into the den. Another place to put on the definitely-to-be-visited list. Finally, an old favourite, Club Boesche (Soi 16, off Walking Street) was celebrating its second anniversary so this was the final port of call. In contrast to Hooty’s, I’m not a fan of the garage/grunge/grange/gangrene kind of aural devastation emanating from the speakers in Club Boesche, but it wins me over in other ways. As of the second birthday party it could lay claim to having more than its fair share of prize pulchritude. Admittedly, some of them could be classified as ‘hard-core’ veterans when it comes to the mining of monetary reward from Map-of-Tasmania-struck punters, but for a good optic nerve Club Boesche is deserving of its high ranking in Fun Town. Hiding a Packed Lunch: Late October witnessed the opening of two more dens of the meat-and-two-veg-in-a-dress brigade with Minou in Sunee Plaza and Cat in Soi Day-Night One. The latter was formerly the resting station for the damsels from the far busier Gletcherkuss boozer in Soi Diamond. It spent a brief period of time being a pink palace, but that failed miserably and it returned to hawking members of the distaff side of the chromosome pool. Now, I’m led to believe it is under new management and has been turned into a ‘I have pussy, I have room’ joint. All I know about Minou is that it is located in Soi Sunee Plaza, it is extremely well-appointed, and apparently employs non-hardcore Jake-the-Peg types. How well it will do in this predominantly pink area is hard to tell, but it’s first major party, held in mid-November was, according to my spies, a raging success. There seems to be somewhat of an underground market for overtly katoey-only boozers, witness the success of Stringfellows in pseudo-macho Soi Yamato and its sister (is that the right word?) den Goldfingers in Soi 7. Many beer boozers down in Soi 7 and 8 as well as Soi 6 employ boys-who-would-be-girls and there are some whose original gender is difficult to ascertain, especially after a few libations of an alcoholic nature. The Best Licks: Many years ago a den of the chrome pole named Lovely existed in Naklua. The girls from the lickem’ where the sun don’t shine brigade did their impersonation of Lesbos natives to the strains of a wonderful song entitled ‘An Angel’ from an album by a group called the Kelly Family. The song had just the right sound and tempo for a girls-will-be-a-little-too-friendly-with-girls song and I’ve been surprised that no other den ever used the tune either before or since. It’s certainly better, and different, than most of the songs used for these kinds of shows. You Keep Asking For It: With three well-spaced out editions so far, I am being asked more and more when the fourth version of the glossy magazine Pattaya By Night will be coming out. The plan with the magazine was always to keep faith with advertisers by selling out of each edition and with the numbers printed the time frame is always going to be something of the order of six-eight months. Based on this the fourth edition should be close to coming out about February next year. In the meantime, the third edition is still for sale in places such as DK Bookshop, Tops Supermarket, and Pattaya Beach Books (all on Central Pattaya Road), as well as Foodmart, Jomtien, DK Bookshop and TK Bookshop (both in Soi Post Office) and some participating bars. If you prefer the internet, try www.dcothai.com Wee Willie Winkie: The following item appeared in the British Sporting Life newspaper: ‘Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another between his legs, but there was nothing there to worry him.’ I can empathise completely with him. Piece of Pith: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Number 19 Dream: One of the more pleasant characters operating a den of the chrome pole in Fun Town, Chuck Hinkel from Club Boesche (Soi 16, off Walking Street) became a father for the first time -at least as far as he is prepared to admit anyway- when his girlfriend Khun Boom gave birth to a healthy baby boy on 19 October. He has been given the name Jamie. Given the nocturnal nature of the ogling den caper I doubt Chuck is too concerned about sleepless nights. Yo Bitch, What’s Wrong With This Picture? The skewed mindset of some visitors to the fleshpots of Fun Town might well be exemplified in the following tale told to me by Chuck from the aforementioned Club Boesche. The den employs a Thai man who goes by the Anglicised name of Bobby. His job description basically involves taking care of the working damsels, for which he receives tips from the grateful young ladies. Just how much ‘care’ he takes I wouldn’t like to guess at, although being a red-blooded young Thai male I’m sure the odd extra-curricular hob-knobbing doesn’t go astray. As an in-house joke, the management of Club Boesche had a number of robes made up in black, on the back of which were inscribed the words ‘Bobby’s Bitches’. The term was explained to the dancing damsels, who naturally considered it quite a laugh. Segue to a few weeks ago and into the den wander a small group of foreign tourists, a couple of males and females, who proceed to sit as close as possible to the Jacuzzi in which a couple of birthday-suited ladies are giving new meaning to the words ‘cavity exploration’. This activity doesn’t faze the tourists one bit, but then one of the females, who apparently hailed from New Zealand, espies the ‘Bobby’s Bitches’ robes and this sends her, and her other distaff friend, from Ireland, into a moral decline. The madams find the phrase emblazoned on the robes to be offensive to females, telling a couple of the bemused and uncomprehending damsels that the operators of this den of iniquity are degrading their status as women. They called over Chuck, the owner, and told him they considered the robes to be an outrage, oh, and by the way, could he just step a little to the left so they could get a little better view of the tongue-lashing going on in the Jacuzzi. The moral police were back again the following night, and the night after that, and kept up their barrage of complaints about the wording on the robes, stating they would go to ‘the authorities’ or ‘make trouble’ if the phrase wasn’t removed or changed. Personally, I would have asked them if they were acquainted with ‘sex’ and ‘travel’ and told them to ‘f**k off’, but Chuck is a polite character and unfortunately succumbed to their badgering. The wording on the robes now reads a more sedate and politically correct: ‘Bobby’s Ladies’. One wonders how these people ever made it to Pattaya in the first place, and why they went into any den of the chrome pole at all. Why did they make a point of coming into Club Boesche three times if they were so offended? I wonder if they maintain the same sense of outrage and send accusatory letters to programs such as MTV which feature rap-style songs with words like ‘bitch’ and ‘ho’ (whore). Do they write to film studios condemning the use of these same words in many movies? I would bet any money they don’t. Still The Same: The Lam Morrison Rock Club late-night rock and roll palace (Soi Marina Plaza, behind Walking Street) has the attraction of featuring Thailand’s acknowledged king of hard rock, but I wonder if that will be enough to keep it going as a viable concern. I first heard of Lam Morrison back in 1993 on my first visit to Thailand when a guitarist friend of mine said he had jammed with him in Bangkok a few years earlier. A couple of years later I met him with my friend in a small thatched- roof boozer he was running in Soi Buakhow, long before that narrow goat track looked anything like it does today. The first time I actually saw him in action was at the Blues Factory (Soi Lucky Star). He was a star turn at this popular venue for some time but has now once more ventured out on his own. The new place, located next door to the Insomnia head-bangers late-night auditorium, doesn’t open for business until 10:00PM and the band kicks into life about half an hour later. Morrison makes his appearance, like the true nocturnal creature he is, at midnight. I wandered in on a Thursday night and the place was busy without being full. There were a few coyote dancers wriggling about in a variety of shades of black, and around the walls I noticed signs offering a Morrison guitar for sale for 8,000 baht and paintings by him for 20,000 baht. The music, of course, was brilliant with the highlight for me being his rendition of the Led Zeppelin classic ‘Rock N Roll’. It’s been a long time since I heard that song. There’s no doubt the veteran of a million riffs is well worth going along to see and I wish him well in the new venue. Got a Whole Lotta Love: Mentioning Led Zeppelin reminds me that the ever-popular Windmill ogling den (Soi Diamond) played that bands’ first hit single ‘Whole Lotta Love’ while the usual activities for which the play palace is well known took place on stage, in this case it looked like the graduating class from the Lickem-on-Toppe and Bottom School of Speaking in Tongues. I’d like to recommend ‘Over, Under, Sideways, Down’ by the Yardbirds as another suitable tune for these gynaecological activities. This den, and its larger cousin around the corner in Soi 15, Baby Dolls, easily win the friendliest dancers in Fun Town stakes. While there may only be a few chrome pole shufflers who could be classified as star turns in terms of physical attractiveness, what I and many others like is the friendly banter evident in the dens. Very few customers I’m sure leave either place without having had some kind of inter-action with at least one or more of the den dwellers. Back to ‘Normal’: Fun Town is clearly busy once again after one of the slowest and quietest low seasons on record. The annual Russian invasion is on and Walking Street is literally becoming Shuffle Street at certain times when the crowds are perambulating. Street-watching seats in the beer boozers are always full, but many of the ogling dens are complaining that the greater numbers are not leading to packed houses inside their air-conditioned places. Nonetheless, takings in most of the dens are definitely on the up and I doubt we’ll see any of the joints closing their doors for at least the next five or six months, if at all. Then there’s the nightly freak show on the pavements. For a long time there’s been a Thai man whose ability to do acrobatics with a soccer ball always attracts an interested crowd, and he probably makes more money in tips than half the beer boozers of the city make in profits. The other night I stood and watched a brief but somewhat painful show with a man who had a young girl lying on the ground in a woven wrap attached to his long hair while another woman stood on his shoulders. The man then stood to his full height while balancing the girl on his shoulders and bringing the young girl up off the ground. Didn’t make a blind bit of sense or logic to me unless he is training for some mystical Eastern martial art and figured a bit of high season busking might score him a few extra baht from bemused passers-by. It seems as if the annual plod morality play, which takes place during the low season months and always results in a few places being closed for contravening the letter of the law, has ended for the time being. Every ogling den is back to ‘normal’ in terms of many dancers caressing the chrome pole while wearing not much more than a smile and a pair of boots, while the shows involving soap and water are resulting in much cleaner crevices rather than flimsy apparel. Here and There: Happy 60th birthday to ‘Nervous’ Dave of the Nervous Wreck beer boozer (Soi Yamato). One of the more pleasant bar characters in Fun Town, Nervous celebrated his approaching dotage with a party in his boozer on Saturday night 10 November. The Outback beer boozer located in the Shagwell Mansion sleeping palace and noshery in Soi Arunothai has young women of easy virtue available for take-away services for tumescent males, and as an incentive for people to make the off-the-beaten trek to the place they have a no bar-fine policy. The Carousel ogling den (Soi Diamond) celebrated 16 years in business back in mid-October and offers some of its libations at just 65 baht all night. It will come as no surprise to anyone that the Hot & Cold II ogling den in Soi Yamato has once more closed its benighted doors. The word ‘dismal’ would be too flattering to have described the joint when it was open. Too late to do a report on for this issue, but the Insomnia Gentleman’s Club opened its doors on Soi Diamond at the beginning of November on the site of the failed Super Model ogling den. Not to be confused with the Insomnia late-night revelling joint down in Soi Marina Plaza. Piece of Pith: Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

Three little ducks go into a Bar...... 'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'

I just looked again and the Home Button and the Contact Button are not working on the Taxi page in Firefox Browser. They are working OK in Internet Explorer. All other buttons work fine with Firefox.

Interesting idea. I thought a few more pics of Mod might spur a few more customers to sign up. BTW, the contact button on the taxi page is not working.