PattayaPete

WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a fuck.

I doubt your minor record would stop you getting an "O" visa. If you get a tourist visa then you can extend it for 30 days only once you are in Thailand. In theory you do have to have a return ticket with a tourist visa but they never check so wouldn't worry about that too much. If someone asked you could claim to be going overland to Singapore.

Get a mouse with a scroll wheel. You can't beat it for scrolling here and lots of other web sites. I wouldn't be without mine as it makes reading, scrolling and clicking through pages a one hand operation just with the mouse.

Speak and ye shall find. Here I am. Member applications may have been a bit slow this last week as both MM and me (the only mods) have been out of the country. I'll try and catch things up right now.

DVD players do not have heads. They do have a laser which bounces of the disk and is read by a sensor. Dust or dirt can cause the laser to mis-read the disk and cause errors such as you describe. Cleaning the laser emitter or the sensor may help but it is a job for a professional. In Pattaya it would cost a few hundred baht to have this done but in Farang land it may cost considerably more and it is not guaranteed to fix the problem. As others have said the players are so cheap these days it is usually not worth getting a broken one fixed.

Not girl friendly and not even farang friendly. Horrible hotel, horrible staff with a bad attitude, horrible food, horrible rooms. This place would have my vote as the worst hotel in Pattaya.

Beer bar or gogo: up to you! I’ve been asked, more than once, and usually by beer bar owners, why I tend to concentrate most of my reports on gogos to the detriment of the vast multitude of outside bar beers. The answer is fairly simple. First and foremost, the majority of bar beers are ‘personality’ places, that is, the owners depend on attracting and keeping regular customers by being in the joint on most nights and doing the meeting and greeting. Given that there are around 900 bar beers across the length and breadth of Fun Town, and there are probably owners who come from about 30 countries, it stands to reason that boozers who have the Swedish flag hung from the rafters are probably hoping to attract Scandinavians rather than Germans and English; those with an English flag (the Cross of St George, not the Union Jack) are probably declaring their place as ‘off-limits’ to Germans and lost Japanese. The owners and managers of these places may well be personable types and their boozers worthy of a libation or two on a regular basis, but language and cultural barriers mean the majority of their customer base centres around natives from their neck of the worldly woods. My own feeling is most people reading this regular missive are primarily interested in the search for Miss Yai Bonkalot and her willing ensemble of damsels of loose morals rather than a beer boozer run by a garrulous German or a spirit-imbibing Finn with deep pockets and a wallet-load of personality. This brings me to the second point regarding bar beers: the talent on display. Even the most one-eyed beer boozer owner will admit that while he can get plenty of older women of dubious virtue to man the beer pumps for a monthly salary and fixed working hours, the attractive younger brigade (that is, between 18 and 23-24 years old) prefer to front up if and when they feel like it. OK, so the booze bar owner saves on a salary. The unwitting customer who spotted Miss Young and Stunningly Right for A Night while he was sat nursing an alcoholic refreshment at the beer boozer across the way the previous evening and decided to ‘play it cool’ by waiting 24-hours before pledging his troth (no, I don’t know what the f*ck that means either, but I read it somewhere once –in a Mills and Boon romance novel- and always wanted to use it in a column about ladies of the night),misses out because the apple of his small eye has decided she’d rather ply her freelance activities at a different beer boozer. In other words, the good sort you spot at a beer boozer on Monday night at 9:00PM might not be there on Tuesday night at 7:00PM or any other hour of the evening on that night. It’s a fair bet that if the damsel you fancy is sitting on the outside of the boozer then she’s a freelancer rather than a salaried employee. The best boozers have a combination of really personable owners (eg, Atlantic in Soi 3, Coral Reef, Best and Cherry in Soi 8, Lek in Soi 7, the Kennel in the lane between Pattayaland Soi 1 and 2, and, of course, the Boxing Roo on Third Road come to mind), reasonable prices for the ‘water that makes you legless’ (eg, Eagle in Soi 7 and Sailor in Soi 8), and can usually accrue and maintain a few attractive ladies prepared to spend an evening or two helping to reduce the bank balance of a walking wallet or ten. I think the value for most people in frequenting bar beers is to build up a circuit of places where they are welcomed and become known to the owners or long-term staff and where they feel comfortable. What then happens is you become a regular and will spend a few nights a week or a month having a couple of thirst-quenchers while ogling what talent might just have taken up warming a bar stool for the evening. Yes, many of the ladies dispensing alcohol and honing their Connect-4 skills at an outside establishment are worthy of getting to know in a more intimate fashion, but if I were to spend just a week wandering 20 or 30 of these places making copious notes about the numbers and locations of the best quality, by the time my social study has made it into print, probably three-quarters of the breeding stock will have moved to greener pastures or been locked into a long-term contract dispensing sexual favours for monetary recompense and readers will bombard me with irate missives demanding I have my eyes examined for the onset of glaucoma. The Race that Stops a Nation: The Melbourne Cup, a horse race run over 3200 metres at Flemington on the first Tuesday in November every year (in 2007 the first Tuesday is the 6th), can be seen at the Boxing Roo beer boozer and porkpie hat emporium. Stalls will open at 10:30AM (yes, that’s in the morning), with the race getting underway at 11:00AM. Uncle Kenny says there will be food and prizes and for those who can stay the distance, the San Miguel Band will be belting out a few tunes later in the evening. All Sisters Under the Skin: Although I went to the ‘soft’ opening in September, I hadn’t been into the new Sisterz gogo (Walking Street) since then because I wanted to give Rambling Ricky time to settle into some sort of groove. I wandered in on a recent Thursday night, through an entrance that put me in mind of an epileptic fit: all flashing lights and frosted glass. The place had plenty of chrome pole huggers -I counted about 35- and while some were dressed in the standard g-string a number were sporting about as much material as it takes to make a slingshot. In fact, it was draped about their bodies in such a way as to leave very little to the imagination. Those who remember the layout of the former Honey gogo would be quite impressed with the way the large space has been utilised, to such an extent it means a lot more people can pack in which gives the place a good atmosphere. There’s a happy hour from 8:00-9:00PM with Chang draught amber fluid, house liver wasters, lolly water, and Thai rotgut at just 35 baht. Outside of happy hour, Chang draught is the house special at 55 baht a glass while the standard fare for most thirst quenchers is 95 baht. Around and About: Congratulations are in order for the owners of the Taboo gogo (Soi 16, off Walking Street) who celebrated their first anniversary with a party on Saturday night 20 October. There were plenty of people who thought Taboo would be lucky to survive the low season, but they’ve done just that and I wish them all the best for this coming high season and for their second year in a tough and unrelenting business. Down in Soi Town-in-Town, off Central Pattaya Road, a new inside boozer called the Driving Range Golf Bar should just about be up and running by the time this edition hits the streets. Putting my Einstein cap on, I’ll take a wild guess and say the joint is run by golf tragics. Just down from the deservedly popular Cherry noshery on Third Road (opposite the X-Zyte head-bangers auditorium), a former munching palace has been transformed into a boozer called Donovan’s. It looks like the owners have taken the much-abused Irish pub theme idea and, next thing you know, we have a bright green sign out front and, well, you know the rest. Keeping with the Irish theme, the Oliver Twist English pub on Central Pattaya Road, opposite the Nova Lodge sleeping palace, has changed its name and has now become an Irish bog with the name Berrigans/Bannigans or something like that. I’d had a few too many libations of an alcoholic nature and couldn’t read my notes the next day, and I couldn’t be bothered wandering back to check the name of the joint. Suffice to say, Oliver Twist probably wasn’t getting ‘enough’ and I suppose the new name is designed to cash in on ‘the luck of the Irish’. Piece of Pith: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

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I had an aircard for my laptop when they first came out. The biggest problem with them is that as they plug into your computer they often are not well positioned to get a good signal. These days I wouldn't even consider buying one. The easiest solution is to have a cell phone and a laptop equipped with bluetooth. That way the connection is easily made and the phone can be positioned to get a good signal. If you can't use bluetooth most newer phones allow a usb connection as well. On the whole I find GPRS to be painfully slow and it would be my last choice of connection. On the road though you can't beat it for ease and convenience. I've used mine all over the world and so far have never failed to get a working connection even in some third world places like Cambodia, the Philippines and my wife's village in Isaan.

The Isle of Man is good as long as you are not British. They abide by UK banking rules and will not disclose your account info accept to the UK governments if requested. I have one with Abbey and one with Lloyds TSB. Of the two the TSB seems easier to deal with. You can nominate the currency for your account either US$ Euros or GBP. Lloyds TSB info here.

Here's the reality of broadband in Thailand. International bandwidth is controlled by CAT and TOT. It is a government monopoly and they charge 25,000 baht per magabit (1024) of bandwidth. That means that isp's are going to either charge a fortune or have a very high loading of customers per megabit. Otherwise they would go broke. Reporting speed test results is fruitless as every test and every tester will have a different contention ratio. You may be lucky and have just a few people on when you test. You may be lucky and have less people sharing your line overall. Someone else with the same service and cost may not be so lucky. Trying to determine who is the best by different people doing speed tests is pretty much a waste of time. If you want good, reliable speed you will have to pay for it. The standard TT&T and TOT packages at around 1,000 baht a month are crap shoots. You may be lucky for a while you may not. If a guy sharing your bandwidth is on 24/7 downloading torrents then your speed is going to suck. If you are sharing with 50 guys who check their email once every two days you win. Both TOT and T&T have higher priced packages around the 3,000 baht mark. At that price you do get more reliable speed but you can still be unlucky and end up sharing with a bandwidth hog. All you can do is connect a service and see how it goes. If it does not go well there is virtually no chance that complaining will improve the situation. Just try another service. Once you have a phone line installed the monthly cost of just the phone line is about 120 baht. At that price it is economical to have both services in your home and you can pick and choose which isp to use. I have both TOT and TT&T and I have adsl on both lines. With TT&T I use JI Net as the ISP and they have been consistently good. They charge 2850 a month for their cyber cafe service wich is 1024/512. On the TOT line I have the TOT business package. Costs about 2,900 a month and is slower than TT@T for general surfing. The other thing about internet in Thailand is that the techs are not very knowledgeable when it comes to throttling and load sharing. These are the methods used to stop people hogging too much bandwidth. Depending on how it is set up you may find surfing is fast but torrents are slow. Sadly these things are usually poorly set up on each node and once again it's down to luck of the draw on how your line is set up as to how well it performs. With my TOT line I consistently get speeds of 1300 kbits when downloading from newsgroups but rarely see anything better than 500 kbits when surfing. With TT&T I usually surf at about 900 kbits and newsgorps run about 1,000 kbits. I therefore use TOT exclusively for downloading from newsgroups and TT&T for surfing. A good solution for me but at a cost of 6,000 baht a month. The bottom line here is that if you get a cheap package at about 1,000 a month then it will be pure luck as to what sort of speed you get. Just because Guy 1 has a good experience with that package don't expect the same.

Division of Labour: Pattaya is now home to, as of the deadline for this piece, 73 dens dedicated to the dubious art of chrome pole molesting. By the middle of September this number is set to grow by another two places. If nothing else collapses from financial insolvency during that time, it will mean a new record number of dens designed for ogling in Fun Town. This at a time when almost everyone is claiming the town has never been so quiet. While this was certainly true just a few short weeks ago, anyone who’s been out and about at different times of the day or night recently can’t fail to have noticed Pattaya is busier; not High Season busy, but the scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel Low Season is behind us. Of course, during this period it’s amazing to listen to the range of opinions from various bar owners and other business people regarding the state of the Fun Town economy and their particular part of the economic cycle. A couple of bar owners have claimed to me that they are doing the best figures in their, usually short, history. Others suggest Pattaya is dead and buried, only no-one has told the corpse as of yet. The truth, as always, lies somewhere in the middle: well outside the range of the rose-coloured glasses but not even approaching the long last walk to the graveside. Consider this. At the start of 2003, just four and a half years ago, there were 25 dens of the chrome pole lining Walking Street and its environs. By September 6 there will be 49, admittedly down from the record high of 51 set earlier this year. Away from the main centre of action, as of early September, there will be a new record of 26 ogling dens. With so many places offering air-conditioned comfort, one style of music (good, bad, or indifferent it at least beats trying to get your head around three bands and 48 thumping speakers all competing with each other in some beer boozer areas), and ladies of sullied virtue cavorting in various stages of undress, it’s perhaps not surprising some owners and operators are starting to re-think the way they do business in terms of opening and closing hours. For example, the Club Boesche ogling den (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) is now kicking off at 8:30PM and going on into the early hours (3:00AM and beyond). Part of the reason for the later start is they don’t have a happy hour, so customers tend to be thin on the stools until after 9:00PM. A number of other places are following suit; after all, given that many dancers can barely get out of bed before 7:00PM and more than a few need to spend an hour or two in a beauty salon being turned from a sows ear into a silk purse, this tendency to later starts for some places is more than economically viable. On the other side of the alarm clock, plenty of places kick off in the early afternoon (Club Oasis in Soi Buakhow, Far East Rock, Club Nevada, and Hot & Cold in Soi Post Office, and Tahitian Queen on Beach Road are just five examples) and do pretty good business in most cases. The night-time venues offering happy hours generally open their doors to the paying public anywhere between 7:00 and 8:00PM, attracting the early night stalkers, many in search of a companion who may be willing to go for a short period for a game of hide-the-salami. A Fast First: On Saturday 1 September the Secrets lounge lizard libation room, noshery and sleeping palace (Soi 14, off Walking Street) will be celebrating its first anniversary with the usual array of coloured balloons hung out front and around the boozer and loads of free nosh from mid-afternoon onwards. Sisters Are Doing it for Themselves: Rambling Ricky will be opening his new den of the chrome pole on or about 6 September (a Thursday night). To be called Sisterz, it is on the site of the old Honey ogling den. I don’t know of the large sign saying ‘Honey A Go Go & Beer Bar’ is going to be moved. The name may be spelt as if it’s been taken from a train station in Luxembourg, or a ski resort in the Swiss Alps, but anyone who is aware of Ricky’s predilection for girls who went to the Lickem-On-Toppe lez-be-friends finishing school will not be surprised in the least at the cognomen. The den is quite large and when operated as Honey I always felt having large booth seating, while usually comfortable, tended to minimise the number of customers the place would attract. Even 12 years ago it was rarely busy. Ricky says the place has been renovated to take account of this and now can seat up to 130 customers, and there are even a couple of ‘fiddling’ booths still in place. Here, There & Everywhere: Offer free booze all night and you know you’ll be packed to the gunwales. This was how the owners of the New Living Dolls 1 chrome pole molesters establishment (Walking Street) celebrated their re-opening on Thursday night 16 August. After an enforced official closure, patrons were offered free draught amber liquid along with free house liver wasters all night Tall Paul from The Dollhouse ogling den (Walking Street) is moving a little further south on the main drag and taking up the managerial duties in the FLB lounge lizard libation room as of 1 September, replacing Rambling Ricky. A new man of warm handshakes and general bonhomie will move into the meeting and greeting duties in the Dollhouse. Long-time bar proper-upper Jacko has moved from his meeting and greeting duties around the corner in the quietly-achieving Hell Club to a more ‘drinking’ and sociable role in the Gorkle ogling den (Soi LK Metro) as of the last week or so of August. Congratulations to Yankee Stan from the Cheers ‘we don’t have women in here’ boozer (Pattayaland Soi 2) on celebrating (I think that’s the word he’d use) 20 years of being in Pattaya. Congratulations also to the Heaven Above chrome pole palace (Soi Diamond) who had hoped to celebrate three years of successful trading with a Hawaiian Beach Party night on Thursday 23 August. Unfortunately, they incurred the wrath of the local neck-to-knee bathing suit inspectors and were issued with a 60-day closure order. I’m told most of the newly-unemployed dancing damsels have been temporarily assigned to chrome pole hugging duties in the Living Dolls Showcase den. Being an upstairs boozer, no matter where you are, is always a difficult proposition, but Heaven Above managed to gather a core group of adherents and, by way of consistent promotions, they are usually well patronised. It’s also one of the few dens, along with Catz (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex), where customers can obtain a copy of the Pattaya by Night magazine. The Super Model ogling den- also in Soi Diamond- never managed to get much past a year in business, certainly not under the same management. It first opened in March 2005 and the original operators, after doing quite well in the beginning, I think managed to stay the course for a little over 14 months and then sold out to a German. Although he brought in an experienced Thai manager from Bangkok, the place never really hit its straps and the doors are now firmly shut and I’m told the lessee is having no luck finding anyone interested in purchasing the property. Another place which fell foul of the body inspectors and has, I’m told, been given a 60-day closure order, is Classroom 2000 (Soi 2). The authorities are currently in the process of doing a Purely Puritanical (people might recall the original PP was Interior Minister in the ousted Fearless Leader government and led a rigid campaign of covering up the damsels and emasculating nightlife back in 2001-2002), although if you happen to be willing to fork out a sizeable wad of the purple and grey notes then it’s amazing how blind the eye can turn. The famous and long-running Malibu beer boozer, noshery and all-balls-in-drag show place (Soi Post Office) is apparently up for sale. This is one of the best places for a night out in Pattaya with a cabaret show that’s so bad it’s great. The words ‘slick’ and ‘professional’ could never be uttered about the shows here, but ‘enthusiastic’ and ‘entertaining’ they certainly are. I hope whoever buys the place keeps them going. Noticed a sign in the Happy beer boozer complex (Second Road, opposite Mike’s Shopping Mall) offering a lease on a bar for just 9,000 baht a month rent and no key money. Wonder if there’ll be any takers? Piece of Pith: Handle every situation like a canine: if you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.

We have just planted 20 Rai in Eucalyptus trees. The return at todays prices looks pretty good. One hundred thousand baht to set it up and an expected return of 1 million baht in 5 years. Eucalyptus grow well in Isaan, and handle the lack of water well. Pretty much maintainance free except for the first few months and a bit of trimming and weed control over the 5 years. The main market is for pulp and paper and prices look set to rise. After harvest, the trees regenerate by themselves so the second and third 5 years are pretty much cost free. Our reason for doing this is that we only get to Isaan a few times each year and the land was basically going to waste. With the trees we are not tied to constant visits to maintain things and our only ongoing expense is the woman who checks things out once a month or so and also cleans the house. Total expense there is 1,000 baht a month.

I just rebooted the server. It's been running continuously for a couple of months which must be some kind of record. A reboot might speed things up a little. Our server is located in the USA. I know other boards use servers located in the UK and Singapore. Depending on where you are they will all vary in speed but generally connections into and out of the USA are the fastest.

That usually means the OP has removed the photos. Sometimes reloading the page will fix it (if the pics have not been removed).

Read the Faq for faq sake Abbreviations and Terminology

My Liver Helps Pad Your Amber Stomach: Being a complete dullard when it comes to economics, it’s only recently I had a light-bulb moment regarding the dynamics of libation pricing vis-a-vis ogling dens and beer boozers. A few months ago a reader suggested ogling dens could afford to offer cheaper amber fluid and other thirst quenchers because their bar-fines for dancers were so high. He suggested, ‘the significantly higher bar-fines subsidise the beer prices in some places.’ He then noted, ‘Rents on beer bars are not comparable to go-gos in the same location. Per square metre, beer bars pay far more rent.’ In this respect he’s correct as, for example, the majority of the beer boozers in the Best Friend complex (Beach Road) are paying 60,000 baht a month. This is a ridiculous figure, yet people continue to pay these imposts and enough of them make money, otherwise the whole complex would have collapsed by now. Hence the reason for the high drinks prices. The argument beer boozers need to charge higher prices because of higher rentals per square metre than ogling dens is fine if that were the only criteria. What about electricity, water, and staff? The girls employed in beer boozers also double as serving wenches and the average salary is not much more than 4,000 baht a month. Most average-sized beer boozers rarely have more than 10 paid staff. Many boozers welcome freelancers who come and go as they please, but a customer must still pay the bar fine if he finds her propping up a barstool. So, if a boozer pays a silly 60,000 baht a month rent, has 10 working wenches at 4,000 baht a month each (so wages of 40,000 baht), and coughs up another 2-3,000 baht a month for electricity and water, outlays will run to a rounded-up 105,000 baht, or 3,500 baht a day. Ogling dens, on the other hand, have to fork out for air-conditioning and greater lighting, hence kicking up the electricity bill. There’s also the monthly stipend to the plod retirement fund. If a den has 25 dancers (average for many) it will be lucky to have 20 of these bar-fined every night. That’s 10,000 baht (at 500 baht a time), minus the 100 baht each returned to the dancer, leaving 8,000 baht as the ‘profit’. If this rate were maintained over a month the return would be around 240,000 baht. If the owner is paying his dancers the average salary of around 8,000 baht each per month then his monthly salary bill will be (for 25 dancers) 200,000 baht (less cuts for being late, taking days off and other misdemeanours). As most people realise, having a 66 percent bar-fine rate each and every night for 12 months of the year is not realistic. Having up to two-thirds of your dancers bar-fined before closing time is also not conducive to bringing customers into the bar. A dancer employed at 8,000 baht a month, needs to be bar-fined 20 times (at 500 baht a time less 100 baht back to her) just for the owner to break square. This number is reduced by the quantity of ladies drinks purchased. For an owner it’s more economical to have a girl receive five or more ladies drinks a night than be bar-fined. On a per-square-metre basis rentals in many ogling dens may be cheaper than a beer boozer, but a palace of the chrome pole also has to budget for a mamasan, a DJ, and a few waitresses (four or five if there are 25 dancers) and barkers on the street. The average monthly overhead may well run to more than 300,000 baht or 10,000 baht a day. That’s three times the costs of running the average beer boozer. Sounds like a fortune, but when most places get upset if they don’t ‘take’ upwards of 35,000 baht a night, it doesn’t take a mathematical genius to see why there are now about 76 dens of the chrome pole in Fun Town. So, why is it that chrome pole establishments are generally able to make money with cheaper booze? The answer, I think (though I’m definitely not John Maynard Keynes when it comes to economics), is draught amber fluid. Almost every joint has an all-night draught amber nectar drop priced between 40 and 65 baht. Considering the average glass costs the den about 15 baht, the profit on a 45 baht impost is quite reasonable, percentage-wise. Where the dens really make their money is on liver wasters, ly water and ladies drinks. While draught amber might be 45-55 baht all night, liver wasters and ly water are charged out at anywhere between 95 and 120, or more, baht. Basically, the person who isn’t drinking amber froth is subsidising the punters who are. I’ve decided it’s time to re-investigate the health benefits of draught amber liquid. There are many beer boozers, places like the Eagle (Soi 7), Bodega (Soi Post Office) and Wunderbar (Soi Yamato), which do very well with their happy hours. The places are usually well-patronised and I’d suggest the owners are doing quite nicely, taking a small profit on a large turnover rather than a large profit on a smaller turnover. After all, a busy bar will always attract customers and the way to have a busy bar is to offer good deals. Basically, the chief income stream for both beer boozers and ogling dens comes from selling thirst quenchers. The reason the majority of people sit in a bar, be it of either variety, is because of the talent on display: a beer boozer with no girls will probably go broke; certainly an ogling den with very little talent is headed the same way, cheap drinks or no. Unless I’ve missed something significant, there really seems no reason for a beer boozer to be charging more for a punter to wet the whistle than a palace of the chrome pole. A Question of Numbers: The Wednesday night quiz leagues’ state of flux continues with the Derbyshire beer boozer (Soi 6) being the latest addition to the team list. They are replacing the now defunct Dawin beer boozer. Amazing how many members of opposing teams can’t wait for their turn to play down in what many Thais like to call Soi La Mok (Disgusting). The dirty dozen on Wednesday’s are (in alphabetical order): Bowling Green (Soi X-Zyte), Boxing Roo (Third Road), Bunker (Soi Chaiyapoom), Cheers (Pattayaland Soi 2), Derbyshire (Soi 6), Londoner (Soi Post Office), Nervous Wreck (Soi Yamato), Nom’s (off Second Rd, Central Pattaya), OK Corral (Soi Rungland), Palmers (Pattayaland Soi 2), Rising Sun (Soi Yamato), and Shagwell Mansion (Soi Arunothai). Anyone is welcome to play, and most teams are happy to see new faces. The Door is Still Barred: The closure of the New Living Dolls 1 den of the chrome pole (Walking Street) seems likely to be in the region of 60 days according to some sources. The den had its doors firmly shut in the early part of July and one rumour suggested it might be only for four days. Now the word is that certain licences weren’t displayed correctly (probably the Water in a Jacuzzi between 8:00PM and 3:00AM Licence or the Cashier & Service Girl Length of Skirt Uniform Licence) or were missing, and a couple of young ladies were found to be disrobed, thus offending the moral decency of customers who simply wandered in for a quiet libation or six. I’m even told the usual offer of amounts of folding stuff were rejected, surely a first if this is remotely true. Whatever the situation, or the rumours, the fact remains the place is firmly closed. A few years ago when Purely Puritanical was Minister of the Interior and decided nightlife was an easy whipping boy, we had a series of plod-induced raids of dens around Fun Town, primarily during the low season, and various establishments were ordered closed for varying periods, usually 30 days. With this low season being probably the worst ever for many businesses -not just the night entertainment sector- perhaps the people who wield the big stick are taking this as an opportunity to nail anyone and everyone they can prior to the eventual return to civilian rule in the national arena. Around and About: The Nice N Eazy ogling den (Soi Yamato) has been turned into a beer boozer. Given that in recent years it hardly deserved the chrome pole cognomen, it might do better having been downgraded. The Champagne ogling den (Soi LK Metro) has apparently reduced its standard 550 baht bar fine for dancing damsels to 350 baht, after 1:00AM. I’m told punters may still be informed the price is 550 baht after that time if the damsel doesn’t especially like the person doing the asking or, if as is just as likely, she decides to pocket the difference herself. In these tight times for many places, offering late-night deals for female companionship is at least one way of potentially bringing a few extra customers through the door. Piece of Pith: ‘…when you feel unable to change your bar you have become old.’ (taken from Our Man in Havana, Graham Greene, p. 37)

Two Years On: On Monday night 23 July the Coyotee’s chrome pole palace (Soi Marina Plaza) will be celebrating its second birthday, in itself a pretty good achievement on the location concerned. The building used to be one of Fun Town’s ‘black holes’ where more than a few entrepreneurs did their dough. It has now well and truly shaken off that tag. To get punters through the doors on 23 July the management will be holding a dance contest featuring dancers from a couple of dens of iniquity in Bangkok facing off against their ‘sistahs’ down here in Fun Town. Anyone who has ever been to one of these would have to be a real hard marker not to come away having had a good time, and I’ve no doubt the second year anniversary extravaganza will also be impressive. Over the Bridge of Sighs: It takes a brave operator to hold a dance contest in his den in the depths of low season, but that’s what the management of the Taboo ogling den (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) did on Saturday night 30 June. This was their second dance contest and featured 17 ‘coyote-style’ dancers who represented Highway Star (Beach Road, at the entrance to Walking Street), Casino Club (Soi Diamond), and the home team. First prize of 5,000 baht went to Khun Mon from Taboo who defeated Khun Or from Casino Club (3,000 baht) and Khun Fern from Taboo (2,000 baht). Prior to the dance contest getting under way, DAK -the photographer for the Pattaya by Night magazine, fell in lust with one young lady who was happily displaying all her various assets and jiggling about in a most athletic fashion on stage. NOTHING TABOO HERE: The second dance contest in the Taboo chrome pole palace (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) was held on 30 June. Judges found the task of winner selection difficult as all 17 contestants were very good. He was dribbling in the fashion of a baby awaiting mother’s milk. Taboo is due to undergo remodelling over the 29th and 30th of July in an effort to improve the general seating and viewing experience of the place. Always Glitters for an ‘Event’: Like many other places, the Diamond den of the chrome pole (Soi Diamond) can be as quiet as a graveyard one hour and then packed to the gunwales the next. One night when it’s guaranteed to be busy is when management hold a dance contest, something they’ve been doing regularly for more than four years now. Saturday night 7 July saw an in-house rabble competing for a total of 13,000 baht in prize money and as per usual the place was pretty much standing room only midway through the competition. One thing I’ve noticed about pretty much all dance contests in every den I’ve been into, is that the vast majority of patrons don’t stick around for the final result. I think people like to go and see what talent is on offer and once they’ve seen one or two rounds they’re happy enough to wander elsewhere. Roughly, 10 to 20 percent of the crowd will stay for the entire contest. More Like Whiskas: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night’s are generally a good time to check out the numbers and quality of any ogling den in Fun Town as the owners require their loyal staff of g-stringed wonder-women to be on stage as this is when most punters are out and about. Bearing this in mind, my most recent libation in the Catz chrome pole establishment (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) left me disappointed. While it has never boasted a line-up of all-stars, Catz usually had a few worthy damsels to add to its general allure, but apart from two of the showgirls and one dancer, the rest were all a minimum six full-strength liver waster proposition. The music was being played at aircraft take-off decibel level. Catz has a loyal following of regulars who probably don’t much care about the standard of chrome pole hugger, but every customer who came in during the time I was in bought one drink and then left, always a bad sign for any service industry business. I would think the best time to go into Catz would be after 10:00PM when the owners are in attendance and therefore in a position to restore law and sensible disorder. Year Old Candy: Continuing in my somewhat negative blue vein, my last evening sat in the Peppermint ogling den (Walking Street) was also a disappointment when it comes to the quality of the great undressed. While the den still employs a veritable regiment of damsels cavorting in a multitude of styles and (occasional) apparel, it seems as though the place has lost its attraction for the best in eye candy. Service is still impeccable and the 50-baht happy hour for pretty much all thirst-quenchers remains a draw, but it’s now more a one-drink and let’s move on place than a potential all-night let’s dig-in for the duration joint. Only 10 Baht in it: In a recent epistle of St Nightmarch to the Alcoholically Inclined I noted the draught amber nectar during happy hour in the Sweethearts ogling den (Walking Street) was 55 baht when, in fact, it is just 45 baht. Never fear, I have given myself a thorough beating with my right palm in a private part over this frightful error. Turning Japanese: The refurbishment of the Baby Dolls ogling den (Soi 15) was scheduled to be completed by the end of the second week in July. The partition to the former XXX den has been knocked through and the new place is quite large, but still looks comfortable. The den is part of the same stable as the popular Windmill Club palace of the darting tongues (Soi Diamond) and Sakura Club 69, right next door. The addition of ‘Sakura’ to the Club 69 name is designed to attract Japanese customers. Sardines R Us: The What’s Up soap-suds and beat me till it hurts chrome pole establishment (Soi 15) must currently be pretty close to being the most popular joint in South Pattaya. From opening time onwards the place is usually well patronised, the especial attraction being the large and well-stocked (or should that be ‘stacked’?) Jacuzzi. Anyone keen on investing in the Stock Exchange of Thailand (SET) should find companies engaged in manufacturing soap suds because What’s Up must buy the stuff by the truckload. The atmosphere is pretty good, lady drinks are industry standard at 100 baht while liver wasters are on the upper side of pricey at 115 baht. Then again, given the number of very ordinary dens snipping unwary walking wallets for 110-130 baht for similar thirst relinquishers, What’s Up at least can justify the impost. Out of the Rumour Mill: I recently noted the closure of the long-established Honey ogling den (Walking Street) and was a little surprised it was one of the first victims of the current low season. It seems as though the place has been on the ‘for sale’ register for some time and has finally been snapped up at an allegedly bargain-basement price. The new owner and his investors are having the place completely refurbished, with seating to be available for up to 130 punters, a far cry from the 60 or so the old Honey was capable of attracting but rarely if ever had, even in its halcyon days back in the early 1990s. Given its perfect location and the identity of the new managing team I have little doubt it’ll do very well once it’s up and running in the first week of September. The Scarlet Pimpernel of Fun Town: Rambling* Ricky once again lived up to his name and has left his meeting and greeting duties in the FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) while he prepares for his next foray into the world of the nocturnal night creature, otherwise known as the den of the dancing molester of the chrome pole. * Rambling: Preferring to move from place to place rather than stay in one place and settle down (Encarta Dictionary) Around and About: The gradual ‘enclosing’ of the night entertainment scene in Fun Town continues apace with the 75th, 76th, or possibly 77th ogling den (depending on what time of the month it happens to be) opening its doors. This one is the Blue Angel in Soi 7, at the Second Road end. The long-established Goldfingers (Soi 7) has been turned into a meat-and-two-veg den, following on the success of its ‘mate’, the aptly-named Stringfellows in Soi Yamato. The New Living Dolls 1 ogling den (Walking Street) was closed for four days at the start of July after either (a) incurring a problem with the local plod or ( Piece of Pith: An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

I am not familiar with the Kodak site but gernerally on these sharing sites their is some method for downloading the pic or vid to your hard disk. Often a right click on the item will bring up a menu where "save target as . ." or "save image as . . . " is an option. Clicking on that will allow you to save to your hard disk. If you post or PM the url to your video I can try to download it for you.

Correct!

The drinking age in Thailand is 20. Generally it is only applied to Thai people and I have seen plenty of 16 year old farangs being served in go go bars. Technically it is illegal and if someone made an issue of it both your son and the bar could be in trouble. Most unlikely though.

The corner Jaccussi room on the first floor is the best room in the place. I think it's 101. The same room on the 2nd and 3rd floor are good too. Good size and a nice balcony. All rooms are pretty good but they would be my first choice. In Manila it depends a bit what you want to do but if you want to be near the action in Makati then you can't beat the Oxford Suites Hotel. You can book through here - AsiaRooms

Now Using the Gregorian Calendar: Of course, everyone spotted my deliberate mistake in the last issue regarding the dates for the greatest three-game set of rugby league matches played anywhere, namely the State of Origin series played between New South Wales (the Blues, aka, the good guys) and Queensland (maroons, aka, the white-shoe brigade). I think a Queenslander (who shall remain nameless but probably uses the pen-name Fool in Paradise) inserted a copy of the Julian calendar -no doubt still used in that backwoods swampland- in my notebook and so I mistakenly had the second game being played on 16 June when it should have been the 13th, and the third game earmarked for 7 July, when in fact it will be played on Wednesday 4 July. Apparently, this falls at the same time as independence day celebrations for some inconsequential country in the Americas. As per usual, the Boxing Roo beer boozer (Third Road, opposite Soi Chaiyapoom) will be the place to be from about 5:00PM onwards to watch the third and final State of Origin match. Plenty of Scoby’s tasty pizza offerings (situated right next door) will be spread around free during the game. Prizes involving bottles of cough medicine disguised as rotgut, among other things, will be drawn for those unlucky enough to have kept their free tickets and then silly enough to put up their hands if their number is drawn. For those interested in the ‘call of the card’, see Uncle Kenny, a man Australia’s great bush poet Banjo Patterson could have been describing in ‘The Man from Ironbark’ when he wrote, ‘he laid the odds, and kept the tote, whatever that may be.’ Is the Ship Sinking or Just Listing? I have incontrovertible proof the current low season is presently the worst for at least a decade. Every time I wander within a 20-metre radius of any clutch of beer boozers, be they in Soi 2, 7, 8 or further afield I am called out to as a ‘handsome man’ a ‘sexy man’, and I am physically accosted by females I have no recollection of ever having seen before. Even in the ogling dens there are females willing to part with a smile or two and a few game enough to attempt the usual inane conversation-cum-interrogation. Given I have the perfect face for radio and a wallet infested with moths, this almost rock-star level of interest in yours truly simply serves as the perfect proof that Fun Town is so quiet even the rats have started moving about in broad daylight. A wander down the mean streets sees a lot of bars with for sale signs hanging out front and plenty of places that have just pulled down the shutters. I was told a leading visa-run to the Cambodian border company recently had five successive days without a single customer. The Chevin Gym in Soi Day-Night 3, one of the city’s longest-established, closed its doors in the second week of June. The Dawin beer boozer in Soi Chaiyapoom, one of the joints involved in the Sunday quiz league, has closed down, along with a few others in the soi. Along Second Road, Bentley’s pool lounge is up for sale. So, is the Fun Town ship sinking or just listing? There are plenty of places continuing to do very well, some relying on their longevity and therefore a loyal and repeat customer base: for example, the Aussie-run Roo beer boozer/noshery/sleeping den on Walking Street; the Shamrock nosh and booze bar on Pattayaland Soi 2; the Eagle beer boozer on Soi 7 (which packs them in most nights because of its amazing happy hour) and the Atlantic beer boozer on Second Road near Soi 3, to name just a handful. There are quite a few new joints doing great business most nights: Club Insomnia head-bangers auditorium (Soi Marina Plaza; and perfectly named), the Papagayo bump-and-grind boozer (Soi Diana Inn), and Club Oasis ogling den (Soi Buakhow) as a few examples. The basics of business are the same the world over and pretty much across all types of activity: give customers what they want and they’ll keep coming back for more. Given the imminent opening of yet another shopping complex (straddling Second Road to the colloquially-named Soi Rapist) and a giant mall of shops set to be constructed by the Central group in Soi 9 and due to open by 2009, it’s pretty clear the long-term plans of those who seek to control Pattaya is a move away from the open-air brothel feel of the city to that of an oversized beach-side shopping mall. Near the Head of the Class: The long-running Classroom 2000 ogling den (Soi 2) has well and truly sharpened its act after undergoing an extension and almost complete refit in recent months. The installation of the almost de-rigueur Jacuzzi as well as the light-coloured padded stage featuring young damsels who leave nothing to the imagination in the physical charms stakes has turned the place into a worthy candidate for ‘best off-Walking Street’ den in Fun Town. There is a happy hour running from 8:00-10:00PM with draught amber fluid at 49 baht, but even standard imposts are not at gouge level with house liver wasters 95 baht and lady drinks 100 baht. The music is passable and the eye candy really puts many other ogling dens to shame. If the standard I saw on an average weekday evening is maintained I would go so far as to say Classroom 2000 is well worth making a detour to visit. How Much is that Pussy in the Window? Right next door to Classroom 2000 is the Honey Pot shake-your-beaver room. This has had a great deal of positive publicity since it first opened and it’s not hard to see why. A wide-window frontage overlooking the beer boozers opposite gives punters sitting in the air-conditioned comfort of the joint a great view of the activity on the soi. The bevy of coyote dancers wiggling their butts and gyrating their torsos in the said windows are generally a pretty healthy example of Thai pulchritude and most are still hungry enough to make eye contact and eventually come over to perform the ritual ‘what-you-name-where-you-come-flom-buy-me-dlink?’ interrogation. A live band kicks into gear at about 9:30PM with pleasant background music and the place stays open until late, 3:00AM and beyond. In both Classroom 2000 and the Honey Pot I noticed large TV screens showing male and female bodies moving about in silhouette. The only negative as far as I was concerned was the action of the serving wenches in both places in not proffering any change after paying the check bin. In both cases the change was measured in coins, and given the friendly nature of the service I would have happily left the money as a tip, but I don’t appreciate it when the serving wenches take it upon themselves to simply award the reward without at least having the courtesy to offer the change first. It’s a minor gripe, and one that can be laid at the silver trays of quite a number of places around town these days. I think it’s the psychological ploy (whether done consciously or sub-consciously) of relying on customers not to make a fuss over such small amounts; this works in the short term, but can easily backfire in the long run. Around and About: The clutch of beer boozers making up the Green House complex (Second Road, near the Central Pattaya Road intersection) have been closed down by the authorities for not having the requisite licenses. The Silver Star 2 ogling den (Soi 7) is open for business. Located on the site of the former long-established Fawlty Towers noshery and boozer, the den is operated by the same people who have the original Silver Star in Soi 8. I guess that comes as a real shock to readers. The Blind Beggar in-for-a-short-poke boozer (Soi Wat Boon, Jomtien) closed its doors some time back but word in the gutters suggested it would soon be up and running again with a new management closely connected to one of the many visa shops of Fun Town. Recent problems regarding the said visa place may well put the re-opening on hold for a while. The Lennies beer boozer and part-time noshery and internet access shop (Soi Diamond) has had a facelift, an infusion of new business partners and a name change to Shooters. (I seem to recall a place with the same name being open briefly on the site of the Beach Club table-dancing den in Soi 15). Anyway, Lennies officially came to an end on Friday 22 June and Shooters will be having their official opening party on 4 July, the same date as that independence day for the mob the Brits like to call ‘the Cousins’. It will feature an American-style barbeque, provided by Bob’s BBQ & Ribs noshery (South Pattaya Road). According to information sent to me by the new management, Shooters will play ‘good old classic rock, blues and country…at a sensible volume…’ There will be a private entertainment room at the back where a customer can watch TV, or play ‘find the ping pong ball’ with one or more of the damsels employed for such activities. They also have a website: www.shooterspattaya.com Piece of Pith: Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Game On: If you read this early enough then you might like to head down to the Boxing Roo (Third Road, opposite Soi Chaiyapoon) on Wednesday afternoon 16 June to watch the second game of the rugby league State of Origin series between New South Wales and Queensland. The first game, held in Brisbane, went to the home side 25-18, so NSW has it all to play for in this second match. The third and final game will take place on Wednesday 7 July. The Boxing Roo is a great venue to watch the game with always a good crowd of one-eyed Queensland supporters, known quite correctly as cane toads, and more level-headed NSW fans. Go the Blues! For quizaholics, the Boxing Roo has become the new venue for the Fawlty Towers Wednesday night team following the sale and then sudden demise of that establishment down in Soi 7. Follow the Man in the Propeller Helmet: Crawling the town: Every Thursday evening interested members of the web board of the FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) spend a few hours wandering about like one of the lost tribes of Israel visiting a pre-determined circuit of up to seven places offering thirst-quenching facilities. It is possible for the odd ring-in to join this adult version of a school excursion to the petting zoo, and on a recent Thursday I accompanied a group of about 20 males keen to study the architectural layouts of six dens of the chrome pole. This night happened to be a once-a-month tour where the dens to be visited offered a two-libations-for-the-price-of-one to the FLB visitors, except during happy hour. On this night all the places earmarked for a visit were on, or close to, Walking Street, although I’m old they regularly take groups to beer boozers and dens away from the centre of action: Soi 8, Soi 7, Soi 2 and the like. According to Hammer, the owner of the popular Cherry beer boozer (Soi , these groups can have up to 40 people, a tough task to co-ordinate. For Hammer and Rambling Ricky, the manager of FLB, these excursions can be more like hard work than simple fun. The first den of call was New Living Dolls 1 during happy hour. Libations were just 45 baht and the place was reasonably busy. Plenty of attractive dancing damsels were on deck, many unabashedly showing off two or more of their best assets. Management were apologetic, saying their show girls were yet to make an appearance. I don’t think they would have been any more attractive than the best of the ‘ordinary’ dancers. After about 40 minutes of this visual torture we were taken across the road into Sweethearts. This is more a table-dancing venue, with good music. It was still happy hour so thirst quenchers were just 55 baht. The damsels are a friendly lot and while they lack the quality of many of the longer-established places it’s a place well worth a visit. Then it was on to Club Boesche, down in Soi 16. I noticed there’s been a recruitment drive since my last visit and with enough dancers now on the books the upstairs see-through glass floor is once again seeing the patter of gyrating feet. As usual the Jacuzzi was the most popular spot for many punters who fancy themselves as amateur gynaecologists. Fourth stop was Coyotee’s in Soi Marina Plaza. The music was standard car alarm but there were plenty of dancers including one with more metal studs in a very delicate and generally covered part of her anatomy than a pin cushion. I couldn’t help wondering how she’d get through a metal detector at an airport. The motley crew, starting to resemble a Chinese tour group led by a man with a whistle, then wandered into the Dollhouse. As if to emphasise just how quiet Fun Town is right now, Dollhouse had plenty of dancing damsels but customers were thin on the ground. The sixth and final port of call was the Tahitian Queen II den in Soi BJ. Talk about a quantum leap in quality. For years TQ II was more of a locals hangout than a place to go checking out ‘talent’, the dancers being just a useful distraction rather than the main event. Under its new management the quality of dancer has improved and as Rambling Ricky noted with his eyes fixed firmly on the les-be-friends show, “TQ II has come of age.” Around and About: The ogling den in Center Condo, Blue Lagoon, has recently undergone a name change to Wet N Wild after the original Scandinavian owner apparently was forced to relinquish his share in the struggling establishment. I’m led to believe he still has full control of Blue Lagoon II, situated at the rear of the Best Friend complex on Beach Road. As low season really kicks in, the task of luring the limited supply of customers through the doors becomes of paramount concern and the long-established Champion ogling den (Walking Street) has followed the lead of New Living Dolls 1 and reduced its bar fine for dancing damsels to 300 baht, after 2:00AM. Draught amber fluid is being at 50 baht all night and, sensibly, so is lolly water. Club Oasis ogling den (Soi Buakhow) continues to go from strength to strength and is now open from 1:00PM every day. I’m told plans are under way to also offer very cheap, basic food for customers who may feel hungry for more than just eye candy. Around the corner, the Bowling Green (Soi X-Zyte) is operating under restricted hours during the low season, basically opening when they know they’re going to be reasonably busy. My understanding is the Bowling Green is open most Tuesdays and Thursdays and a couple of other afternoons and nights as well. Wandered into the Tim ogling den (Second Road) for a look and, as expected, not a lot has changed in recent times. The place is still darker than a camel jockey’s armpit, the music is good rock and roll, if a bit dated, and it has more staff than dancers. Allowing for the dim lighting and lack of proximity, I did think Tim had a better collection of chrome pole huggers than the last time I went in. The Fantasia shows-r-us-boys-den (Soi 15) has apparently been closed down, at least for the duration of the low season. Mainly staffed by the gender-confused, Fantasia seems to do well with Chinese and Russian tour groups, but as these are thin on the ground right now the management (who also have the successful What’s Up ogling den next door) have decided to cut costs and close. One of Fun Town’s longest-running ogling dens, Honey (Walking Street), has closed its doors. Is this to be the first of many during this low season I wonder? If it is I’m only surprised it’s one of the first to go, as it wasn’t the worst place around. The aptly-named Club Insomnia late-night boogie barn (Soi Marina Plaza) is doing a roaring trade in the hours between 3:00AM and after sparrow fart. This is what I’m told as the hours this place keeps are way past my bed time. I guess there really are people who come to Fun Town for dancing and drinking rather than the pursuit of nocturnally satisfying horizontal happy endings. Earlier in the night, Lucifer’s head-banging club on Walking Street continues to pack them in with its combination of live band at the front and the disco at the back. It’s a great place to watch the passing parade on the street. One regular visitor to the fleshpots of Fun Town told me he prefers trawling a joint like Lucifer’s for his late-night female companionship as most of the freelancers don’t ask the same silly prices for an evening of playing hide-the-salami as their chrome pole molesting cousins. He also claims they tend to be better lights-out performers. According to a recent news report the local plod arrested a number of people who use live animals and reptiles as a prop to entice tourists to have their photos taken with these creatures. Many years ago I had a photo taken of myself by a vendor with a python wrapped around my shoulders. I didn’t mind; I’m not sure what the python made of it all. I used to see people with monkeys and iguanas, proffering them as photo opportunities and never thought much about it. Animals and reptiles belong in jungles, not on the streets of Pattaya and I would urge anyone who reads this column to please refrain from giving succour to this trade and refuse to have your photo taken with these poor animals. A new English-language radio station is now well and truly up and running with an apparently strong signal across most of Fun Town. Badged as PCNFM 105 it is on air 24-hours a day, seven days a week and plays classic songs from the late 1960s onwards as well as the best of the latest modern music. There’s no Thai music or rap, trance, house, hip-hop, garage, dustbin, or whatever other name car alarm goes by these days. It is operated by the same people who run the Pattaya City News channel. For more information just send an email to cnfm@hotmail.com">pcnfm@hotmail.com Piece of Pith: In Pattaya one must never let a foolish girl kiss you and never let a girlish kiss fool you. (Rae Lambert, artist and cartoonist)

R.I.P.: Sad to hear of the sudden passing of Michael, the former owner of the Susi beer boozer (Naklua Road) and lately of a joint in the Simon Drinking Street complex as well as the publisher of Hallo Magazin, in early May. Well known and liked in the German community, Michael was just 47 years old and his death came as a complete shock to all who knew him. Our condolences to his family. Pre-Nuptial Guzzling: Big Andy, one of the former owners of the Club Electric Blue ogling den (now Roxy, in Walking Street) and its clone in Soi Diamond, is having a party with a difference in the place where it all started for him in Fun Town about six years ago, namely the Dollhouse chrome pole temple. On Sunday night 3 June, Big Andy will be hosting a shindig to celebrate his upcoming wedding to his long-suffering girlfriend Khun Kan. Now, one might wonder why the big fella is willing to tie the knot at this time and most suspicious types would whisper that Kan’s probably got a bun in the oven. Go to the head of the class, as this is indeed the case and at least the old reprobate is prepared to make an ‘honest woman’ of his paramour. Make ‘em an Offer: Down on the corner of Soi Buakhow and Soi Chaiyapoom the Club Oasis ogling den continues to do good business night after night, to such an extent I would suggest it easily outpoints many of the dens on Walking Street. [Night-March] A couple of Sierra Tango rooms have been opened, thereby giving tumescent customers the opportunity of quick relief should they so desire, without having to exit the premises. The music remains among the best in town and there were a raft of new dancing damsels the last time I wandered in. Rumours suggest the place is up for sale and I’ve no doubt they’re right. There again, I would think every single bar in Fun Town is for sale, at the right price. Many operators have no desire to sell, but if they were pressed by an exuberant potential buyer they might name a silly price, say 15 million baht for a place that’s really worth maybe 10 million, and if the person asking says ‘done deal’ then you’d hand over the keys forthwith. The Paradise ogling den (Soi Buakhow) which is owned by the same people who have Club Oasis and was closed when it opened its doors is definitely on the market at a negotiable 1.9 million baht for a 3 x 3 year lease. Advertising Fruit: The Banana Growers Association, if such exists, should consider doing a promotional video in the confines of the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond). Among the shows performed by the dancers is one involving the sensuous sirens gobbling the yellow phallic fruit in a very suggestive fashion. I could see sales of the monkey fruit going through the roof if such a promotional video were ever to see the light of day. Much of a Muchness: Wandered into the Nui’s 2 ogling den (Walking Street) for the first time in quite a while recently. The place is darker than most dens and the music was standard car alarm, a feature of all the chrome pole palaces operated by Nui: Hot Girls, Pinky Girls (both on Walking Street), New Star (Soi Diamond), Fun Room and Rock Girls (both in Soi 15). There were six girls in short skirts filling the narrow stage dancing in the bored way they do when things are a bit quiet and they haven’t yet ingested enough tequila to get the blood bubbling. The den has about 20-25 dancers on the books, no stunners but plenty who looked presentable enough to keep most customers satisfied. A Taste of Beeswax: One of the longest-running ogling dens on Walking Street, Honey has had a few baht spent on interior decoration over the years but it’s basically the same layout it’s always been. The music in the den is better than many other places but the number of dancing damsels is not much above 20, with five or six on the long centre stage at any one time. They are now attired in rainbow-coloured bright short skirts and perform the standard chrome pole shuffle. That said, while they are an average bunch as far as looks are concerned, most appear to be pretty friendly. The bar fine at 600 baht is ridiculous as places like New Living Dolls 1 and Sweethearts have far better quality dancers as far as looks are concerned and have reduced their bar fine imposts to just 400 baht. Draught amber is 50 baht while house liver wasters are a silly 120 baht. Something for all Tastes: There’s no doubt the Sweethearts table dancing den (Walking Street) is doing better business than its previous incarnation as a late-night boogie barn. Happy hour extends until 10:00PM with most thirst quenchers a mere 45 baht, but even outside of that a house liver waster is just 95 baht and lolly water an encouraging 50 baht. The music is 1960s-80s rock and roll and there are eight dancers spread down this narrow den on four glass-bottomed tables. There are about 20 or so dancers all told and they come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, so there’s someone to suit most tastes. It has a friendly atmosphere and with the bar fine at just 400 baht it’s no surprise to see it doing quite well. A Very Impotent Place: As if to confirm the moveable feast that is Fun Town, a place I considered some months ago to be worth a visit I have to say now isn’t worth a cracker. The VIP ogling den (Walking Street) is so desperate for customers it has draught amber, house liver wasters, Thai rotgut, and ly water all at 50 baht from opening to closing. Even so, when I walked in on a recent Saturday night I was the only customer, although two more came in a little later. The music was extremely loud, so much so the katoey serving person mixed up my drink order. The DJ played nothing but disc-to-disc ©rap. There were four girls coyote dancing, with another eight or 10 sat around looking totally bored. They looked like a bunch of girls who’d recently come out of hospital having had a frontal lobotomy. Quite frankly, they could give away free drinks and I still wouldn’t want to go back again. Tweaking at the Edges: Sunday nights is the time to visit the Coyotee’s chrome pole palace (Soi Marina Plaza) if you want to see something different from standard den shuffling. Management have decided to hold an in-house paint and body oil contest on the second and fourth Sunday’s of each month while the first and third Sunday’s feature an in-house contest from the Lickem-On-Toppe school of darting tongues and fibrillating pudenda. The les-be-friends lick off naturally appeals to all amateur gynaecologists while the unique dry paint to body oil contest is a worthy innovation to the variety of shows seen around town these days. Around and About: The rumour mill is suggesting the Crystals bend-over boys den (Pattayaland Soi 2) is not attracting enough of the pink baht and it will soon be turned back into a distaff ogling den. I doubt there are too many Fun Town expats who could care less one way or the other. The general consensus seems to be the Rodeo Girls chrome pole palace is about the best on the soi these days. The former Fawlty Towers boozer and noshery (Soi 7) is being converted into a den of the chrome pole and will be called Silver Star II. This will mean there are three dens in the city called Silver Star: the original, next door in Soi 8, one in Walking Street, and now this one on Soi 7. When it opens, it will take the score of dens in Pattaya to a new high of 76. Down in Soi 2 the long-established Classroom 2 ogling den has had a makeover. Taking a leaf out of the more successful dens on Walking Street, there is now a Jacuzzi as well as a masochist/sadist play area (you know, featuring the stock standard foam rubber crowd control devices). Anybody wondering where many of the dine-and-dash damsels of the Beach Road promenade are now plying their trade, a walk along the section of Second Road between Royal Garden Plaza and the soon-to-be-relocated Shenanigans will give you an answer. Just don’t confuse them with the clipboard brigade who want you to do a ‘holiday survey’. More and more bar owners and other businesses are being targeted by a bunch of avaricious and opportunistic persons in uniforms claiming to be checking on illegally obtained music. The bottom line is this: if anyone with a badge and packing a pistol wanders into your establishment you are within your rights to ask to see proper identification badges and to then ask for a court-issued search warrant. If neither are forthcoming you should ask them to leave your premises, and as an encouragement, start taking photos or videos of them. I’m losing count of the number of places that have been ‘hit’ in recent weeks with what is clearly a scam designed to redistribute wealth: from your pocket into theirs. Piece of Pith: Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.