MONKEYWATCH - April 2007

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our first anniversary edition. Yes, we’re still around after a whole year, so that bookie up the road owes us a shitload of money.

 

Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out.

 

It’s being suggested in some quarters that bar owners might consider making a few judicious alterations to the direction their new CCTV cameras are pointing when the boys in brown turn up for their tea money. Something to keep by for a rainy day, eh lads?

 

 

Those with nothing better to do at the end of the month may be interested to learn that the interestingly named Vaseline Fun Fair is to be held in Jomtien on April 28-29. We’ve no idea what it’s about either, but would advise attendees to avoid blokes with leather trousers and dodgy moustaches.

 

For those of you who fancy some traditional British late night nosh in Pattaya, you could do worse than visit the Ali Baba Indian Restaurant on Pattaya Klang. We have it on good authority that most of their patrons come flying out of this place with their arses on fire, so it sounds like a winner to us.

 

 

There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan.

 

For all you newbies out there unaccustomed to dealing with being approached by street vendors in Pattaya, here’s an extract from the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya” in which a typical conversation with one of these street chappies has been recorded for your guidance.

“You want buy? Me hab many good things.”

“Really?”

“No, not really. Hab tlay of clap.”

“Nothing good at all?”

“No. Only hab clap.”

“Okay, why don’t I give you 500 baht and you can take your tray and throw it off the end of the pier?”

“Why you no gib me 1000 baht and I take running jump off end of pier and take tlay of clap with me, okay?”

“Okay.”

The transaction is thus successfully concluded.

 

Location filming has just been completed in Pattaya for the first episode of the new Thai science fiction series, “Doctor Hu”. In this first story, the Doctor lands his space ship, the Thaidis, on Beach Road, where he lures a freelancer inside and cunningly uses his time travelling abilities to make a short-time last for three months.

 

 

A new project has been undertaken by City Hall to unblock all the drains in Pattaya before the start of the rainy season. They decided that this approach, though somewhat expensive, was more practical than issuing tourists with snorkels every time they wanted to go for a walk.

 

Russians are now being encouraged to swarm all over Thailand following a relaxation of their visa rules by the Thai Government. This is because they are a perfect example of what the Thais define as ‘quality tourists’ – and we define as ‘pig-ignorant cheapskate tossers’.

 

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s…

 

 

Yes, Monkeywatch can exclusively reveal that the secret lair of Thailand’s greatest superhero can be found hidden inside a certain bar on Walking Street. We won’t be revealing his secret identity, partly to protect him from the media, but mainly because we’ve been told that he’s already been barfined by several board members.

 

And remember, guys. If you want your dick to look bigger, move to a smaller country.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Char]

Once again......Timely, poignant, and absolutely funny!!!!!

THANKYOU

Edited April 12, 2007 by Char

[jballstate]

Thanks for the laugh.

[Sailfast]

Ahh Magoo, you've done it again.

[Yzi]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s…TOILET MAN!!

really cracked me up

[LordFlash]

Always a quality read - thanks!

[snowmaan]

nice one

[Fornicator]

Very funning shit

[kaykay]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our first anniversary edition. Yes, we’re still around after a whole year, so that bookie up the road owes us a shitload of money.

 

Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out.

 

It’s being suggested in some quarters that bar owners might consider making a few judicious alterations to the direction their new CCTV cameras are pointing when the boys in brown turn up for their tea money. Something to keep by for a rainy day, eh lads?

 

 

Those with nothing better to do at the end of the month may be interested to learn that the interestingly named Vaseline Fun Fair is to be held in Jomtien on April 28-29. We’ve no idea what it’s about either, but would advise attendees to avoid blokes with leather trousers and dodgy moustaches.

 

For those of you who fancy some traditional British late night nosh in Pattaya, you could do worse than visit the Ali Baba Indian Restaurant on Pattaya Klang. We have it on good authority that most of their patrons come flying out of this place with their arses on fire, so it sounds like a winner to us.

 

 

There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan.

 

For all you newbies out there unaccustomed to dealing with being approached by street vendors in Pattaya, here’s an extract from the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya” in which a typical conversation with one of these street chappies has been recorded for your guidance.

“You want buy? Me hab many good things.”

“Really?”

“No, not really. Hab tlay of clap.”

“Nothing good at all?”

“No. Only hab clap.”

“Okay, why don’t I give you 500 baht and you can take your tray and throw it off the end of the pier?”

“Why you no gib me 1000 baht and I take running jump off end of pier and take tlay of clap with me, okay?”

“Okay.”

The transaction is thus successfully concluded.

 

Location filming has just been completed in Pattaya for the first episode of the new Thai science fiction series, “Doctor Hu”. In this first story, the Doctor lands his space ship, the Thaidis, on Beach Road, where he lures a freelancer inside and cunningly uses his time travelling abilities to make a short-time last for three months.

 

 

A new project has been undertaken by City Hall to unblock all the drains in Pattaya before the start of the rainy season. They decided that this approach, though somewhat expensive, was more practical than issuing tourists with snorkels every time they wanted to go for a walk.

 

Russians are now being encouraged to swarm all over Thailand following a relaxation of their visa rules by the Thai Government. This is because they are a perfect example of what the Thais define as ‘quality tourists’ – and we define as ‘pig-ignorant cheapskate tossers’.

 

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s…

 

 

Yes, Monkeywatch can exclusively reveal that the secret lair of Thailand’s greatest superhero can be found hidden inside a certain bar on Walking Street. We won’t be revealing his secret identity, partly to protect him from the media, but mainly because we’ve been told that he’s already been barfined by several board members.

 

And remember, guys. If you want your dick to look bigger, move to a smaller country.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

SUPERB! A brain and a wit The same can't be said of some of the morons I've encountered since joining this forum

[Agent09]

Really funny report with excellent visuals - this beats Mango Sauce for amusing topical comment - well done, thoroughly enjoyable and I loved the Doctor Hu routine...

 

thank goodness you're here Toilet Man - we are saved !

 

Gratz - great stuff !

[Siam Sam]

ROTFLMAO Absolutely fucking class.