joke only for the scottish

[sinbinjack 243]

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

 

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

 

"Govan," she replies.

 

 

 

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

 

Oor Wullie.

 

 

 

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"

 

"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.

 

"That's affa deer," says the guy.

 

 

 

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

 

He's awa' noo.

 

 

 

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

 

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

 

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

 

 

 

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

 

A skean dhu.

 

 

 

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Just Juan.

 

 

 

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

 

"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

 

 

 

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

 

The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

 

 

 

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

 

 

 

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?

 

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

 

 

 

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

 

"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"

 

"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

 

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

 

"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

 

 

 

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

 

 

 

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.

 

"What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.

 

"Piston broke," comes the reply.

 

"Aye, same as masel..."

[jimmac 66]

I get all but a couple, Jack. Merry Christmas!

[Sailfast 503]

I got a couple of them, it was kind of fun trying to figure them out.

[sinbinjack 243]

If anyone is really stuck on any of these I will post the interpretation.

[scotchbroth100 0]

yeah, pretty funny!!

[CheshireTom 1,377]

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

 

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

 

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

 

Good one, jack.

[vidman 2]

2 bundles of sick are walking down a glesga street.

 

1 turns to the other and says

 

"see that close over there....that's where i was brought up"

[henryski 6]

cant wait for you sweaty socks ( jocks ) to get wot you all fucking wish for total indepenance ,,,,,, you want to be on your own and me for one and like many off us english that day cant come soon enough.... your all fucking miserable,,, you all fucking complain all the time but then again i would having to live up there its cold damp totaly unfriendly,, the woman are dogs and the blokes were skirts wot a fucking mixed up mess you are.... you fucking lie we have a monster in our loch,,, away with the fucking faires.... no culture a fuckin aussie played william wallace ha ha... taggett...please come onnnnnnnnn...the only good thing to cum from over the border were deacon blue....if i had a big enough saw id fucking cut u off and let your drift away right past greenland,,, i hope you understood that as we cant fucking understand a word that dribbles out off your mouths are you dancing are you asking ,,, wot the fuck is that about

[scotchbroth100 0]

cant wait for you sweaty socks ( jocks ) to get wot you all fucking wish for total indepenance ,,,,,, you want to be on your own and me for one and like many off us english that day cant come soon enough.... your all fucking miserable,,, you all fucking complain all the time but then again i would having to live up there its cold damp totaly unfriendly,, the woman are dogs and the blokes were skirts wot a fucking mixed up mess you are.... you fucking lie we have a monster in our loch,,, away with the fucking faires.... no culture a fuckin aussie played william wallace ha ha... taggett...please come onnnnnnnnn...the only good thing to cum from over the border were deacon blue....if i had a big enough saw id fucking cut u off and let your drift away right past greenland,,, i hope you understood that as we cant fucking understand a word that dribbles out off your mouths are you dancing are you asking ,,, wot the fuck is that about

Henryski - God gave us this great country, with great people etc etc, then goes and fucks it up by giving us neighbours like you!!!!

[soi unwise 6]

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

 

"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"

 

"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

 

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

 

"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

 

Dont get it !

[cottesloe 0]

Dont get it !

 

That's my favourite (and they are all good). I'll leave it to the OP to explain.

 

SinBin - Thanks a lot for these - I'll use a few tonight!

 

All the best,

 

C.

[vidman 2]

The fare ( aka Fair) is relating to the glasgow "fair" 2 weeks holiday in july.

 

 

so if he cant get the "fair" then he will take 2 weeks in august!

 

 

as for henryski..........i dont have to make him look an idiot......he's done that pretty well for himself already.

 

Thank goodness i'm intelligent enough to know that he does not speak for the majority of english people. (who are fine and courteous people).

 

I'm sure they are ashamed of him and his comments.

 

Rule brittania!

[sinbinjack 243]

Don't mind him Vidman ,there are enough Scots just like him so it dosent bother me as I have lived with the "enemy" for almost 40 years,it has got so bad my son(English mother) will only support Scotland as a second team.

PS the second 2 weeks in August are the Edinburgh Fair weeks ,I think.and for all you northern English The fair weeks are the same as the Wakes weeks.

Edited January 1, 2008 by sinbinjack

[henryski 6]

i was born there but glad i got out when i was two years old totaly ashamed by it,,, its a fucking miserable place,,, still in the dark ages...have you got electricity yet or still using gas lamps ... running water yet of still bathing in the burns lol

[kesam1 0]

My favourite moments are watching my English wife trying to read oor wullie

[Eneukman 1]

Don't mind him Vidman ,there are enough Scots just like him so it dosent bother me as I have lived with the "enemy" for almost 40 years,it has got so bad my son(English mother) will only support Scotland as a second team.

PS the second 2 weeks in August are the Edinburgh Fair weeks ,I think.and for all you northern English The fair weeks are the same as the Wakes weeks.

 

Way out - I worked in Edinburgh for 25 years and the Edinburgh Fair was the first two weeks in July. The Glesca Fair was the last 2 weeks in July. The Paisley Fair was the 2nd and 3rd weeks in July.

 

Alan

[sinbinjack 243]

Sorry Alan ,I'm only a Glasgow man what the fuck do I know about Edinburgh.

[Thaipan 0]

Love the one about Oor Wullie!!!

[Thaipan 0]

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

 

Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked

 

'What are you selling' here

 

One of the men replied sarcastically,

 

'We're selling arse-holes.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

 

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

 

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen

[rambo 0]

i was born there but glad i got out when i was two years old totaly ashamed by it,,, its a fucking miserable place,,, still in the dark ages...have you got electricity yet or still using gas lamps ... running water yet of still bathing in the burns lol

 

 

Now, dont forget about the last time someone tried to take on the Scottish at Glasgow Airport?

 

And I quote.....

 

'Well, if ye come tae Glesga and try take us on, wee will set aboot ye'!!!

 

(John Smeaton, Glasgow Baggage Handler & Hero)

 

 

PS. And that goes for anybody from anywhere on this Planet!!

[Thaipan 0]

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them

going to the toilet.

 

 

Bob says "I think she's nice"

Bobs mate "well nip over and give her the patter"

Bob "the patter?"

Bobs mate "aye the patter"

 

 

Bob "I don't know any patter, I've never found it easy to talk to

girls"

"For crying out loud" says Bobs Mate, "it's easy all you have to say is

"hello" and she will say "hello" Then say "it's a nice day isn't it"

 

 

Then she will say "Yes it is"

Then you say " but not half as nice as you!"

Then she will say "Oh thank you"

Then the patter will just flow"

 

 

Bobs Mate says "look there she coming back out of the toilet, go and

give it a go"

 

 

So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head

 

 

He walks up and says "Hello"

She says "Hello"

He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"

She says "Yes it is"

He says "but not half as nice as you"

She says "Oh thank you"

 

 

Few seconds of uneasy silence..............................

 

 

Then he says........................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Been for a shite then?"