Monkeywatch - August 2016

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to our summertime stroll through the cesspits of Sin City.

 

We start this month with the startling news that the Chinese have been banned from Thailand – well, the government have banned gatherings of more than five people so it comes to pretty much the same thing. It was all to do with this referendum thingy where Thais got the chance to vote whether they supported the new constitution or whether they were in favour of it. Tough choice.

 

Research has shown that Thai women have some of the smallest breasts in the world, though this is counterbalanced by Thai men who have some of the biggest. However, this is again counterbalanced by Thai men having the second smallest penises. Beaten into second place by the Japs, presumably, with the Indians getting the bronze medal. And they call this research? Where do they get all this shit?

 

Deckchair vendors on Beach Road have been whingeing that their takings this year have been crap compared to the previous 12 months. They blamed everyone from the government to the City Hall Planning Department and the local Tourist Board, but curiously forgot to mention that during this period they’d doubled their deckchair rental charges. Must have slipped their minds.

 

“Well the media said that politicians buried their heads here…”

 

Reacting swiftly to the latest round of bomb attacks, the government has announced that anybody carrying a rucksack or looking a bit like an Islamist will be shot on sight. The army and police are to be given extra ammunition in case they encounter a group of Muslim backpackers.

The Muzzas aren’t the only ones in the firing line though, as Chinese tourists have started complaining about feeling insulted by the Thais. That’s most unfair, I mean why pick on the Thais? At least they don’t scrawl obscenities in Chinese passports like the Vietnamese border guards have been doing.

 

A bar owner in Britain has created a mobile-free zone by covering his premises in copper wire, thus forcing his customers to interact with each other instead of spending all evening wearing their thumbs out. Interesting idea - if they tried this in Pattaya we might be able to get the Go Go girls to give us more than five consecutive seconds of their obviously valuable time.

 

If you want to rent a motorised pogo stick, this is your man…

 

 

Bar news now, and the crackdown on afternoon opening seems to be hitting the early doors Go Go trade with the closure of Las Vegas III. The first of many, one suspects. The newly-relocated Beach club also closed, but reopened after some renovation work to make it vaguely habitable. Bad Girls on Walking Street joins that select group of bars that managed to close down before it even opened. And there’s a new alleged Go Go opening on Soi 6 called Working Girls, though the name’s unlikely to be understood by most of the staff.

 

There seems to have been yet more delays to the catastrophic Central Pattaya Tunnel project. The rumour is that construction workers heard scuffling noises then the ceiling fell in and they were buried under a pile of around 50 Syrians who’d got lost tunnelling their way out of Damascus. Streuth, it was never like this in The Great Escape. Who can forget the immortal line “They’ve found Tom!” when the first tunnel was discovered, though in the case of Pattaya the discovery of the second tunnel might have been more apt.

Time for a bit more nostalgia with some crime story snippets from Monkeywatch back in August 2006…

 

“A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown.

 

A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they?

 

Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad.”

 

Engineers have been called in after local children complained that their new swings were a teeny bit too high…

 

 

It’s been reported that Thailand and Burma (none of that Myanmar nonsense here) have joined forces to seal off the notorious Golden Triangle region in order to stop drugs getting in. Hmmm, don’t think they’ve quite grasped the problem there.

 

Thailand has invited the British to invest in their country in order to use it as a gateway to other countries in the region. Someone should tell them that the best way of getting Brits to invest more is to extend bar opening times and reduce barfines.

 

Finally, a Thai bloke was arrested last week for impersonating a police officer after he was found in a hotel room wearing a uniform and fake ID he’d bought on the internet. He said that he’d never used the uniform to extort money or cause trouble so he was clearly innocent of the alleged offence, but the real police weren’t amused and charged him anyway.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Bushcraft]

Nice one, always look forward to your musings.

[Bushcraft]

Nice one, always look forward to your musings.

[teelack]

Not sure which yarn I like the best so I might as well say, all of them. Always appreciate your efforts. Thanks

 

Sent from my XT1033 using Tapatalk

[worldxcess78]

Haha, good read as always!