Monkeywatch - April 2017

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a soggy Songkran showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our special April Fool rodent edition.

 

A squirrel has been blamed for the sewage pump failure that led to Wong Amat Beach becoming full of shit the other weekend. Tourists and beach vendors were put to flight as the sea became so black and smelly that it was virtually indistinguishable from Soi 16. The official story is that the squirrel bit though a cable, causing its own demise as well as that of the sewage pump. Suppose it could happen, but one can’t help thinking that maybe Wong Amat Beach isn’t the only thing round here that’s full of shit.

 

This of course comes hot on the heels of the revelation that the fire on Walking Street that burned down a popular rock bar was also caused by a squirrel, in this case causing a junction box to explode. Quite a coincidence eh? Or is Pattaya’s Electrical Engineering Department employing squirrels now. Well, if you pay peanuts, you get…er…squirrels.

 

Speaking of fires, there was another one in a local plastics factory the other Wednesday. Firefighters were unable to extinguish the blaze so they gave up and stood around while the building burned to the ground. A local squirrel is believed to be helping police with their enquiries.

 

Six young Thai men have been fined and jailed for a couple of weeks after being caught throwing plastic bags filled with urine at passers-by during the Songkran festivities. Police were called and quickly gave the lads a good hiding and took the piss, two activities at which they are known to be particularly adept.

 

The 10^th Annual Pattaya Farting Competition took place last week. Here we see the eventual winner giving his rip snorting performance…

 

 

The Transport Ministry has announced new seatbelt laws that will prohibit people from travelling in the back of pickup trucks other than baht buses. Hmmm, think we might be getting some new records being set for the most people on one motorbike. Oh, it’s okay, they’ve decided to scrap the new law already. Another success story.

The local police have been busy again, this time arresting 14 big shot foreign mafia members. Sounds like the far end of Walking Street could be very quiet in the near future. So no change there then.

 

A policeman’s son has been charged with murder following an incident in a local snooker hall when he beat a man to death with a snooker cue. He admitted the offence but said he didn’t realise he’d done anything wrong as he thought that’s how you played the game. Must’ve been watching some old footage of Alex Higgins.

Sex stories in Pattaya aren’t normally news, but then they’re not normally about a man being arrested for sexually assaulting three motorbikes. The Thai man in question claimed the bikes had all consented to sex but police enquiries revealed that they were all less than five years old so he’s going to prison for the rest of his life. Christ, that makes the story about the Thai woman who called the police because a gas pump attendant couldn’t open the filler cap on her motorbike seem positively normal.

 

This just has to be the smallest deckchair rental business in Pattaya…

 

 

Bar news time, and there’s pretty much bugger all to report this month. Skyfall reopened after the Walking Street fire, minus a bit of its sign. The Rock Bar is still shut, though a new one has opened on Pattayaland 2 where Classroom A Go Go used to be. Ah yes, Pattayaland 2. Remember when it was the centre of Pattaya nightlife and you could walk down there without having to keep your back to the wall? How times have changed. These days it’s known as Soi Gonorrhoea because local Thais say it’s “a road of clap”.

 

Now we have the Happy Zone in Walking Street, police have promised to return happiness to Pattaya by getting rid of all the sleaze, drugs and sex. So how does that work then?

Following criticism of the Thai media for using non PC language when describing the disabled, a group calling itself The Rainbow Room Foundation has come up with a list of suggested alternative expressions. For instance, they suggested that instead of calling people retards, they should refer to them as “people with intellectual differences or challenges.” How the fuck do they expect retards to understand that? Anyway, when the media found out that the woman who made the original complaint was blind, they all agreed that they wouldn’t change anything they printed – they’d just tell her that they had.

 

Police are investigating reports that a number of vehicles plunged into a river after a local contractor demolished a bridge but didn’t bother to put up any warning signs. When asked what action he planned to take to rectify the situation, the contractor said “We’ll miss that bridge when we come to it.”

 

There are still plenty of old bags to be found on Beach Road…

 

 

A couple of historic snippets now from Monkeywatch in April 2007…

 

“Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out.

 

There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan.”

 

Following the news story that an 18 year old model had sold her virginity for 2.5 million dollars, some enterprising bar girls decided to try their own version of the idea using eBay. However, they soon abandoned the plan after constantly getting marked down in feedback for the item not being as described.

 

Pattaya police have all been sent on a 30 hour English course to help them communicate better with tourists. They are now proficient in phrases such as “stinking pig”, “cretinous slant-eyed lemming”, “you’re a farang so it’s your fault” and “10,000 baht? That’ll do nicely”. After completing the course, they arrested the farang tutor for not having a work permit.

 

Thailand is to bring in restrictions on alcohol outlets that will spell the end of booze sales in 7/11 stores. You’ll apparently only be able to buy alcohol from designated stores, and to make a purchase you’ll have to provide them with your passport, immigration address report, DNA sample, retinal scan, that sort of stuff. And, of course, it’ll cost a bloody fortune. Could this be the end of the stinking pig?

 

In celebration of April Fool’s Day, one of the stories above is completely untrue. No, really, just the one.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual a good start to the day. Considering that you only write up the bizarre, rediculous, wierd and examples of Thai logic, you have a job for life. Thanks.

 

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[Bob Belzy]

So arsonist squirrels eh? What next, blaming the recurring holes on Beach Road footpath on the "wascally wabbits"?

[JONPAT]

I think 'Squirrel' could be part of a bar or go-go name.

[Nightrider]

Another good read and a few giggles , cheers monkeyman