Monkeywatch - August 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another month of mayhem in Giggletown.

 

Local authorities have admitted that the restoration of Pattaya Beach is running months behind schedule. Reckon that would be about 90 months as the project originally started in 2011.

 

Squirrel terrorists have been blamed for yet another electric cable fire in Pattaya, this time at the Sawangla Temple Bridge. Utility companies were contacted as a matter of urgency and finally showed up three days later to reconnect power, TV and internet connections for local residents who had become bored with having nothing to do except watch their houses burn to the ground.

Officials have insisted that a pedestrian bridge in Sukhumvit is perfectly safe despite reports that a schoolboy who touched a steel rail ended up with no skin on his finger and his hair standing on end. Technicians were duly dispatched to the scene and a spokesman insisted that the bridge was perfectly safe anyway as others crossing at the same time hadn’t come to any harm. Perhaps they didn’t touch the rail?

 

The Thai people are renowned for their diligence and hard work…

 

 

We’re now six months into the beach smoking ban and it seems that City Hall isn’t all that keen to encourage police action as it might harm tourism, so instead local officials took a quick stroll along the cigarette butt infested beach, declared it smoke free and went back to their offices. Another success story for law and order.

A Pattaya taxi driver had to apologise to a Korean tourist after he left him at a filling station midway through his journey from his hotel to Bangkok. The driver apparently refuelled his car then drove off without realising his passenger had got out to take a leak. Police were called and the driver duly returned to retrieve the hapless holidaymaker. “It was an easy mistake to make”, the driver remarked, “those little Korean buggers can be difficult to spot amongst a load of big bags”.

 

A local restaurant owner is facing prosecution after the wooden floor of his establishment collapsed and 70 customers fell through into the water below. The owner assured police that such an incident would not occur again as he had now introduced a ban on fat people entering his premises.

 

If you don’t want people to know you barfined a fat girl last night, it’s probably not a good idea to give her a lift home in the morning…

 

 

Very little bar news to report this month. The former Maxim A Go Go has reopened as Hidden a Go Go. Eden Club closed yet again and reopened as a karaoke bar. No doubt it’ll close again in a few days. And Mandarin has closed and is up for sale. Any takers?

 

In a new initiative to improve road safety, Pattaya is currently testing speed cameras in various places around the city. Officials said the tests were going well, though up to now the only speeding object detected by the cameras was a monk running out of a massage parlour during a police raid.

 

A quick reminisce now with two tales from Monkeywatch in August 2008…

 

“A Thai bloke was arrested the other Monday after being caught on CCTV stealing brass hose attachments to the value of 50,000 baht from the Royal Garden Plaza. When questioned by police, he explained that he needed the items to secure a length of hose to the inside of his boxer shorts as he was currently working as a Tom Jones impersonator in a local hotel.

 

Walking Street has acquired a brand spanking new set of parking regulations, so now you can’t park on the left side of the street on even days and the right side on odd days. This idea was actually nicked from The Who, who told us in their song ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ that “a parking on the left is now a parking on the right, and the beers have all grown stronger overnight”. Pity they forgot to nick the last bit.”

 

Wouldn’t like to meet the rabbit who did that lot…

 

 

Pattaya Police Station now has a complaint section where people can go to report loan sharks. A spokesman said they decided to set the section up after they were informed that loan sharks attract a lot of interest from the public.

 

Assurances have been given that the new crackdown on electronic waste doesn’t mean that you’ll go to prison for 10 years if you leave a light on when you go out. You’d have to do something as serious as vaping for that kind of punishment.

 

And finally, a quick weather forecast. It’s gonna piss down. Happy holidays.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[TheFiend]

Surprised the BIB haven't started a crackdown on the squirrel terrorists after all the harm they're causing to Pattaya...

[midlifecrisis]

Brilliant! A foot bridge with a third rail. A perfect future design feature for a mini train. Is it by any chance close to Mini Siam?

 

So Maxim is Hidden. No wonder nobody could find it.

Edited August 19, 2018 by midlifecrisis

[teelack]

Good start to my day again.

[Nightrider]

A nice read and giggles once again monkey.......