Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

 

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

 

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

 

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[Shooter 864]

6 minutes ago, VPI78 said:

I hate this.  I can't figure this one out.  LOL

[VPI78 11,498]

1 hour ago, Shooter said:

I hate this.  I can't figure this one out.  LOL

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

Business was bad. The boss had to lay off somebody and he narrowed it down to two people: Mary or Jack. It was difficult because they were both good workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would let go the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a terrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. 

The boss came up to her and said, 'Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off? she said. I feel like shit this morning.'

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

 

"Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

 

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

 

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

 

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]