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The mysterious ‘dark matter’ which is believed to hold the universe together has been positively identified as coffee, astrophysicists have confirmed.

 

Dark Matter Coffee.jpg

 

Dark Matter’ which holds reality together finally identified as coffee

The mysterious ‘dark matter’ which is believed to hold the universe together has been positively identified as coffee, astrophysicists have confirmed.

Standard models of physics have long since shown that the amount of visible matter is insufficient to prevent the universe completely losing its shit and flying apart, meaning that some extra component is needed to keep it all together.

The breakthrough shows that the long-postulated ‘strong, dark, fluid’ force is probably an Ethiopian blend, with hints of Kenyan and Brazilian notes as well.

“The coffee can’t be very milky as then it would be light enough to show up against background radiation, and there needs to be quite a lot of it as well; probably an entire cafetiere for every astronomical unit. It all makes sense”, we were told by a spokesman for CERN in Geneva.

“I’m confident to a high degree of significance when I say that none of this would be here without coffee.

“I know that I certainly wouldn’t be, and I’m pretty sure that none of you would be either.”

Evidence suggests that the coffee must have existed since the beginning of time when some sort of galactic alarm clock went off. The ringing of this clock is known as the ‘Big Bong’ theory.

The theory is already controversial, with some respected scientists insisting that the dark matter which binds reality together is actually HP Sauce.

“It’s obvious when you consider the evidence,” said Physicist Simon Williams whilst brandishing a bottle.

“If you look it even says ‘melange’ on the HP label.

“The sauce must flow,” he added.

 

Edited by BigusDicus

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Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean

“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

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Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.

“I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.

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A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”

The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything

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Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:
Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.
The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.

Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’

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