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BigusDicus

Bar Humor

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In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

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THE OLDEST PROFESSION

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.  The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam.  This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the  
oldest profession in the world."  The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos.  This was the first  
and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong:  mine is the oldest profession in the world."  The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

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A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zipper and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zipper a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zipper a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

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Tommy is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right" to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Samsung written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break. "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps". He says, "does it look like I have HomePro written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar! So Tommy goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As Tommy walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, Tommy sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, Tommy notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", Tommy asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

"She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". Tommy said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" she replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"

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Posted (edited)

That will go over the heads of many.

I will kindly say there was a mentoring relationship. A single woman and a married man were involved.

Edited by midlifecrisis

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This is one of my favourite threads,  can you please stop posting political stuff before it gets moved to the P&R section.

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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a  bar or hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too.

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Who is a better friend, your wife or your dog? 

Your dog is. And it's easy to prove.

Simply lock your wife and dog together in the trunk of your car and go for a drive for about half an hour. Then drive home and open the trunk.

Which of the two will be happy to see you?

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It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'

The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he's a coach for the Liverpool football team.'

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An American businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

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39 minutes ago, sinbinjack said:

Dont get it ?.why is this funny?.

Harvey Weinstein coming onto an aspiring actress provided by O. 

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperately for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared.

The Englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support "Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver." The Scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart."

And then the rather mentally challenged Irishman said, "I support Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."

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On another post, a member was looking for help finding a good VPN. I wish I could have helped. I don't understand anything after VPL.

 

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