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BigusDicus, April 8, 2019 in Funnies Section
Most meaningful conversation between two intelligent men ...
1st Man - I am a man of few words.
2nd Man - I am married too.
Goldilocks was taking her dog for a walk and met Aunt Jemima returning from Church. "What a charming little girl you are and what a cute little puppy you have." "Thank you," says Goldilocks.
"What's your name?" asks AJ. "My name is Goldilocks," says the little girl.
"That name really suits you and what is your puppy's name?" "His name is Porky," says Goldy.
"Oh, how sweet. Is that because he is such a happy little dog and eats up all his food?"
"No, it's because he fucks pigs."
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Abramowitz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Abe had
the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Abe," the mortician said to himself, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Abe is dead!"
8 hours ago, jomtienguy said:
Obviously a British thing, safeword Skegness👍
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?’
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink. After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
There's the right girl and then there's the wrong girl...
A worried husband calls the police:
Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!" Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sheriff: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown, maybe blue. Not sure." Sheriff: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." Sheriff: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck." Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting." At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"
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