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Here's one that make me laugh out loud. There's a new handiman at the zoo. He's given 3 jobs for his first day. First, clean the weeds out of the fishpond, for which he's given a shovel. Ste

No one love’s a smart ass  44E0D9AF-D849-4B56-898A-98AF9634DD93.MP4

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Bugger! I hate to admit it but sitting at the lights today I checked my steering wheel for those bloody dots. I do feel a bloody fool but I knew this already! [emoji30][emoji20][emoji848]

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While e route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100; the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
- HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
- HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
- HE paid for your football season ticket.
- HE paid for our house at the lake.
- HE paid for your African safari and even the 4 x 4.
- HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a fuckin cold.’
 

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A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks." Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry;" says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The woman starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," she says. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"That's OK," says the woman, "I've already got the fucking holes for that."
 

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20 minutes ago, BigusDicus said:

 

 

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The drunk guy at the end of the bar keeps burying his bone in my garden

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