Monkeywatch - May 2019

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to look in, and welcome a fresh batch of tales both short and tall from the City of Sniggers (or are we supposed to say Safrican Americans these days?)

When the local boys in brown put up a poster on their notice board outside the police station saying “Woman Wanted For Sattahip Temple Burglary” they were surprised to find that several women turned up and asked if they could apply for the job.

An Indian quality tourist turned up at the police station the other day claiming that “a woman with long hair” (he obviously has an eye for detail) had done a bunk with his gold necklace valued at 41,000 baht (valued by him, one suspects.) He said the woman had ridden up on a motorcycle and propositioned him, which he of course refused as any quality tourist would. After she rode away, he realised that the gold chain had disappeared, obviously not having noticed the item being removed from around his neck during their conversation. The desk sergeant filled in a report and deposited it in the police station’s ‘Thefts from Indians” file, a wire basket on the floor in the corner of the room. Didn’t call him a stinking pig though. Must have slipped his mind.

A taxi driver who was reportedly depressed climbed up a cellphone tower in Nong Plalai and stayed up there for seven hours before coming down for a smoke. He told police he’d climbed up there because one of his relatives was going to shoot him. Sounds reasonable. I mean, if someone’s out to shoot you, what better place to hide from them than the top of a cellphone tower? Unbelievable.

Here’s a quick way to get to Heaven Above. Just climb up here and stick your hand in the junction box…

Over 100 people were arrested after a massive gang fight on Pattaya Beach, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the Brits had their Mods and Rockers punch ups on Brighton Beach in the 1960s. After watching the film “Quadrophenia”, police decided to raid Scooter’s Bar and Harley Bar for likely suspects but were unsuccessful on both counts, the former because they didn’t know which of the Scooter’s bars to raid and the latter because it shut down about 10 years ago. Just another day in the family-friendly resort of Pattaya.

Grave cleaners in Pattaya who were digging a bloke up so he could be cremated (it’s a Thai thing, don’t ask) were surprised to discover that you actually can take it with you when you go after the stiff in question was found to have no less than 100,000 baht about his person. The money, it’s said, will be used for merit-making. Bet you could make a shitload of merits with that stash – if you knew what merits were and how to make them.

Thailand celebrated this year’s Press Freedom Day by blocking the BBC coverage of the coronation. Nobody seems to be saying who ordered it or why, though it’s been suggested that some previous remarks relating to similarities with Prince Charles in the area of aural physiognomy may be involved.

One of Pattaya’s many claims to fame is that it invented the concept of concrete dog shit as a tourist attraction…

A smattering of bar news now. On LK Metro, Office A Go Go has reopened as Office Club, and on Soi Diamond a new Carousel Bar has opened called New Carousel Bar. They must sit up all night coming up with these innovative new names. Bollywood a Go Go has been relaunched on Pattayaland 1, though they’re actually fibbing as it reportedly isn’t a Go Go but a dance bar. Could be some Indian bints in there who are up for it, but don’t hold your breath (actually, that might be a bad piece of advice.)

It’s been reported that the trash in Pattaya is damaging the reputation of the city as a world-class resort. And there was us thinking it was down to the Mafia, the Triads, drugs, dregs, stinking pigs, muggings, beatings, shootings, stabbings, gang fights, prostitution, slavery and corruption. Shows how much we know.

Let’s do the time warp again with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in May 2009.

“There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins.

A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault.  He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.”

This must be the new improved Thai Airways Boeing 737…

Customers in a Pattaya car park were somewhat surprised when a Thai man came crashing through the roof and ended up in a heap on the floor. Rescue workers postulated that the man, who appeared to be in an elevated state of consciousness, might have been looking for an apartment in the adjoining building and “got a bit lost.” That’s an understatement.

Following the latest jumping incident at Central Festival, it’s been revealed that they’ve come up with a way to solve the problem – machines that clean up the mess in double quick time. Way to go, fellas. The last thing tourists want when they’re out shopping is to get that sort of goo all over their nice new shoes.

The formerly beautiful Maya Bay has had to be closed for two years after being trampled underfoot by relentless hordes of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings. Good news for the bay, but bad news for the locals – and the sharks.

Finally, if you’re in town right now then you’re just in time for the Pattaya International Fireworks Festival 2019 that’s being held on Pattaya Beach on 24 and 25 May. If past events are anything to go by, this is a show that you most definitely must not fail to miss.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Bob Belzy]

" relentless hordes of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings ",

presumably the leftovers from the ones building artificial islands in the South Vietnam Sea.

[teelack]

Great write up and hits many nails on the head. Went to the fireworks but every time I left the bloody things started up again. Three hours of fireworks was 2.50 hours too much.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

[monkeyman]

30 minutes ago, teelack said:

Great write up and hits many nails on the head. Went to the fireworks but every time I left the bloody things started up again. Three hours of fireworks was 2.50 hours too much.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk
 

Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence.

I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

[teelack]

Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence.
I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

As a matter of fact I asked the Thai GF if she would like a repeat performance last night. Not a chance!

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[Bob Belzy]

On 5/25/2019 at 2:13 AM, monkeyman said:

I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

I'm still not sure.......

[monkeyman]

2 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

I'm still not sure.......

 

It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite. 

[Bob Belzy]

I meant that I'm still not sure that a certain person got it....I got it first time :-0

[Butch]

On 5/27/2019 at 9:43 AM, monkeyman said:

 

It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite. 

I was sat in my hotel on Bukhao at the time, I honestly thought that there was a creeping barrage heading towards me. They were loud on the Bukhao, God alone knows how many eardrums were ruptured on the Beach.

[monkeyman]

On 5/27/2019 at 11:17 AM, Bob Belzy said:

I meant that I'm still not sure that a certain person got it....I got it first time :-0

Apologies for not getting that you got it.