Monkeywatch - April 2025

[monkeyman 1,674]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another look at what’s through the keyhole in the city of silly grins. Let’s go for it.

Pattaya’s new mobile health service got off to a bit of a bad start when their van ran over several of the people who were queuing for a health check. Nevertheless, they were given a comprehensive medical before being shipped off to hospital to have their injuries treated. As their motto says, “Improving the quality of life for Pattaya residents.”

A German tourist was injured on Pattaya Beach when a motorcycle taxi driver knocked him out with his helmet. Local girls who heard about the incident are now eagerly trying to obtain the taxi driver’s phone number.

A man impersonating a monk was recently arrested at a temple after engaging in what was deemed to be “inappropriate behaviour.” He was detained and handed over to the local district chief for “formal disrobing”. That doesn’t sound too appropriate either.   

City hall has denied that any buildings in Pattaya were damaged by the recent earthquake tremors…

 

Another case of inappropriate behaviour was reported by a woman who claimed that a taxi driver “coerced her into an intimate act.” When she reported the incident to police she was told to produce evidence herself, at which point she handed over a plastic bag containing the man’s testicles. Not sure what that proved.

For some bizarre reason, a monk in Bang Saray has suggested that floral wreaths at funerals should be replaced by school uniforms. Why school uniforms? You may as well replace them with whoopee cushions. Actually yes, that would work.

A Thai chap thought it would be a good idea to go diving for shells so that he could sell them to fund his medical treatment. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a not-so-good idea as he ended up drowning. Well at least it saved him the bother of raising the money.            

Pattaya proudly announces the launch of its very own Space XXX spacecraft…

 

Bar news now, and as you’re all no doubt aware, Phil (Mr Egg) Ross has sold Le Pub and will be opening a new go go type bar where the Black Snake Club used to be in the nether regions of Soi Buakhao. We suggested he call it Egg’s Zone but he didn’t seem too keen. It’ll actually be called Rum Runner and should be opening in about three weeks’ time. Penthouse has surprisingly been acquired by a Chinese consortium, though their plans for the place have yet to be revealed. Making cheap steel, probably. The old Hooters site has reopened as Beertique, which should be good news for craft beer lovers, or as they’re more commonly known, drunks. And the old Opium A Go Go has reopened as Dragon. Do we detect an ongoing Chinese connection here?

Dad dancing, a dark art that we normally only associate with Bamboo Bar, has in recent months reared its ugly head on LK Metro. The offending premises is Scooter Bar, where men of a certain age feel compelled to make complete arses of themselves in public by flailing around in a manner suggestive of someone having a fit. Some even compound the felony by wearing baseball caps backwards, a fashion faux pas only rivalled by white socks and sandals. Pattaya, the place where bad taste never goes out of fashion.

Enter our time machine now as we whizz back to a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in April 2015…

“A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English.

Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists.

Naval ordnance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works.”

This dog sleeps in the entrance to a Pattaya beachfront hotel, pausing only to wake up, have a quick look around and go back to sleep. We think it may have discovered the meaning of life…

 

If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Jomtien is the town that never wakes. Try to get some food there after midnight and chances are all you’ll get is chicken’s bum and sticky rice from some dodgy street vendor who buggers off at warp speed before you have a chance to taste it. Not exactly haute cuisine, is it?

Local authorities have issued a missive to remind visitors to Pattaya to drink responsibly. This seems somewhat open to interpretation, depending on the target audience. For instance, an Australian sporting event a few years ago decided to promote responsible drinking by enforcing a limit on how much beer each person was allowed to take into the enclosure with them. The limit was 28 cans per person. Reckon most of us could live with that.

Finally, City Hall has celebrated Songkran with a traditional water blessing– the mayor was covered in white powder, had a shaving foam pie pushed in his face, a bucket of water thrown over him and a power hose discharged up his trouser leg. Nice to see cherished Thai cultural values being preserved.

be seeing you

monkeyman

Edited April 25 by monkeyman

[Bushcraft 2,640]

Nice one, your comments on choice of clothing rang a bell with me. Any male over the age of 30 who wears a baseball cap backwards is a prat, never mind sandals with socks or a manbag. Sunglasses perched on a bald head late at night. And the choice of shirts some people make ... you could be forgiven for thinking the circus is in town.

[yselmike 438]

2 hours ago, Bushcraft said:

Nice one, your comments on choice of clothing rang a bell with me. Any male over the age of 30 who wears a baseball cap backwards is a prat, never mind sandals with socks or a manbag. Sunglasses perched on a bald head late at night. And the choice of shirts some people make ... you could be forgiven for thinking the circus is in town.

I need my manbag.Not so much at night but during the day,it contains my prescription sunglasses, prescription distances glasses and most importantly of all my reading glasses.I could not function without them.It might contain my passport if i need to change cash.Telephone,it's a pixel 7 in a case so it's no lightweight.Pack of tissues because I always have to blow my nose! Hay fever and years of cocaine abuse since you ask.often it carries a cotton tote bag if I'm shopping.Room keys/card.

I have solved the fashion problem by always wearing black.Lightweight merino t-shirts or Uniqlo airism t-shirts,the lightweight ones.Black shorts and the brilliant Uniqlo airism briefs.I sweat a lot a the black doesn't show up so much wearing dark black.

[teelack 10,364]

Nice one, your comments on choice of clothing rang a bell with me. Any male over the age of 30 who wears a baseball cap backwards is a prat, never mind sandals with socks or a manbag. Sunglasses perched on a bald head late at night. And the choice of shirts some people make ... you could be forgiven for thinking the circus is in town.

Bugger! This means that I have to leave myself most loved shirts at home or face a barrage of criticism?
As for the backwards cap. A friend of mine told me years ago that, "My son is a good guy but all he has to do is turn his cap backwards to become a moron".

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[aj 65]

😃Ah the memories. enjoyable  as always