Monkeywatch - April 2026

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining the party, and welcome to yet another April shower of Songkran. Guess it’s okay if you like that sort of thing – but then anything’s okay if you like that sort of thing.

Police arrested 14 people after a raid on a poker den in East Pattaya. Members of the Pattaya Bridge Club have reportedly gone into hiding.

Officers detained a man after reports that he was walking around Pattaya stark bollock naked. He was taken to the local police station and charged with being in possession of an unfeasibly small dick. Well at least they didn’t have to strip-search him, and he couldn’t really plead not guilty given the available evidence.

Following a rabies alert, Pattaya tourists have been advised to stay clear of stray dogs and cats. Stray dogs and cats have, on the other hand, been advised to stay clear of Chinese restaurants.

An outrageous theft took place on April 1 at Pattaya Police Station when thieves broke in and stole all the WC pans from the bathroom. Police say they’ve got nothing to go on.

Tourist have finally found a use for those shower thingies on Beach Road. They’re using them to refill their water guns.

Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society rehearsing their production of ‘The Great Escape’…

 

Questions are being asked about Pattaya’s so-called “quality tourist” strategy after many visitors expressed their doubts about claims that the latest initiative was a success. One visitor remarked “I really don’t think that not having to share your drink with at least three other people qualifies you as a quality tourist.”

A Chinese woman was pulled from the sea and rushed to hospital at the north end of Pattaya beach after being spotted floating in the water. At the suggestion that it may have been a suicide attempt by drowning, an onlooker remarked “It’d have been quicker to just drink the stuff”.

Officials were reportedly sent to investigate after a tourist was found unconscious on the steps in front of Ripley’s. No, we don’t believe it either.

On the evening of March 28, Thailand and the rest of the planet were treated to Earth Hour 2026, when everyone was encouraged to turn off their lights for one hour “to raise awareness of climate change.” A case of ‘the lights are off but there’s somebody at home’, pretty much the polar opposite of the sort of people promoting this kind of pointless virtue signalling.

Spring is here at last…

   

 

Bar news now, and G Spot on Soi Pothole has closed down (probably because nobody could find it.) Big Banana Club is to reopen as Kohinoor Club, perhaps an unfortunate choice of name as there used to be an Indian restaurant called Kohinoor where the food was so bad the customers used to do a runner before they’d even eaten it. Identi A Go Go has also go go gone. Must have had an Identi crisis. And it looks like Champagne A Go Go wasn’t as dead as it seemed as it’s reopened yet again. They should rename it Lazarus A Go Go. Dollhouse, on the other hand, is still promising to reopen but there’s no sign of anything happening. Hopefully positive developments will ensue.

A woman was taken to Pattaya hospital after becoming impaled on an iron fence while picking mangoes. Funny, we always thought they grew on trees.

Local authorities have apparently come up with four alternative routes to ease traffic congestion during Songkran. Presumably two of them are up and down.

A little local history now with a peek back at Monkeywatch in April 2016…

“Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable.

A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets.

An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim.

The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian.”

One thinks that Pattaya’s claim to have a beachfront tennis court may be a little exaggerated…

 

After a series of tour bus crashes in Thailand, it’s being reported that foreign tourists in Pattaya are becoming scared of long-distance road travel. They should be more scared of crossing the bloody road.

It’s been reported that a German has been beaten on Pattaya Beach. You’d think the Germans would have gotten used to being beaten by now (though not usually by katoeys.)

Travellers to Thailand have been warned to stay alert following reports that credit cards are being stolen during flights. One victim got particularly agitated, though it wasn’t entirely surprising as he turned out to be the pilot. Looks like we’ve got to padlock our bloody hand luggage now.

Finally, some airlines have announced that passengers playing music on their phones at an annoyingly loud level will be ejected from the plane. Hopefully they won’t wait until it lands.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Once again another good start to my day. Thanks for the effort. 

[Bushcraft]

Nice one, had me laughing. Amazing how many Indian tourists think it's ok to wander around with 40k baht gold necklaces  

[monkeyman]

1 hour ago, Bushcraft said:

Nice one, had me laughing. Amazing how many Indian tourists think it's ok to wander around with 40k baht gold necklaces  

And they're nearly all the exact same value. Funny that, innit?

[Bruce Mangosteen]

9 hours ago, Bushcraft said:

Nice one, had me laughing. Amazing how many Indian tourists think it's ok to wander around with 40k baht gold necklaces  

On the bright (?) side, 40K gold necklaces are a lot harder to spot than they once were.