BigusDicus

Several years ago I flew China Air without seat reservations. I regretted it. Had a horrible seat in the center of the plane. Other than that they were not a bad airline.

Poor Dog..... Excellent joke, I am stealing it!

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. S o I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!” “And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

Race Discussion

Excellent!

Founding Fathers

Why do you have no sense of humor?

Today's movie classics

I know I have posted this before. Somebody just sent it to me again and I laughed again: Old Cowboy Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens... An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

THIS IS IN THE FINAL STAGES AND IN ALL PROBABILITY NOT CURABLE

The words race car spelled backward reads race car. That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate. And... Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home, you free-loading, thieving, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, gang loving, non-English-speaking, and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, smelly raghead, bastards with you." How weird is that?

MAN TEST 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.. 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

This from a South African commercial for Gaviscon, an antacid. It illustrates what can go wrong when someone who is ESL (English as a second language) writes the punch line for the advertisement.

Toes?

Perspectives

I am not bragging, but I have actually done this. Right where the picture is. Been a couple of decades at least. http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB1247...MDExODA5Wj.html PAGE ONEJULY 10, 2009. A Mooning Festival Is Something The Mayor Just Can't Get Behind As Town Turns Its Back on 30-Year-Old Event, Will Train Flashing Go Into Eclipse? By SARAH MCBRIDE The biggest event of the year in Laguna Niguel, Calif., is coming up on Saturday, but Mayor Robert Ming has a message for those planning to attend: Keep your pants on. For 30 years, the town has played host to an affair dubbed "Moon Over Amtrak." Crowds line Camino Capistrano, a road that runs along the railroad tracks, and pass the day dropping their trousers every time a train rolls by. Some regulars compare it to Mardi Gras, others to Woodstock. Moon Amtrak once was so small the bar whose patrons thought it up gave free beer to everyone who took part. Last year, between 8,000 and 10,000 people showed up. Thousands come each year to Laguna Niguel, Calif., to moon Amtrak trains. .This year, the city, on the busy Orange County corridor between Los Angeles and San Diego, is planning a crackdown. "Avoid the area this year," the city advises on its home page. In a cheeky Twitter feed, it added, the city is "saying 'NO' to crack." Some Laguna Niguel habitués, particularly the loyal clientele of the Mugs Away Saloon -- directly across Camino Capistrano from the railroad tracks -- aren't exactly over the moon about the authorities' new attitude. In 1979, according to city lore, a saloon patron offered to buy a drink for anyone who would moon the next train. He did -- for one guy -- and the annual rite was born. Last year's event, bolstered by word of mouth and mentions by radio disc jockeys, was much bigger than the one the year before. So much traffic poured onto Camino Capistrano, which dead-ends in that area, that cars were trapped. A handful of 911 calls came in, the city says, mostly from people who were panicky about the heavy crowds and drunkenness. Local businesses complained their customers couldn't come and go. Backup cops and a helicopter were called in from surrounding communities. Given that there were few incidents last year, city officials "totally overreacted," says Mugs Away regular Rick Sanchez, who says he has been coming to Moon Amtrak for 15 years. Patron Glenn Manthe blames a "stuffy, yuppie mayor" who has "never even been to a mooning." The 39-year-old mayor, who took office in December, confirms that he's never attended and says he has no desire to do so. Rick Sanchez .Server Rebecca Shahan, who was behind the bar last year, says, "It's not fun when you see a bunch of cops show up in riot gear when it's just a bunch of people having a good time." But the city says the event set the stage for grave harm, exacerbated by the difficulty emergency vehicles would have had getting through the crowds. This year, "we had to take action," says Mayor Ming. While the city has an ordinance banning public nudity, it decided to go a different route. In March, the City Council adopted a resolution banning on-street parking in the area Thursday through Sunday this week. It also passed ordinances that prohibit alcohol consumption and urinating in public. In a news release, it announced its deputies "will be out in force, enforcing all laws and ordinances." Last year, the city estimates it spent $20,000, mostly on law enforcement. Volunteers handle cleanup. Now, what used to be the biggest day of the year for the Mugs Away pub, might be more of a hassle than a cause for celebrating. While in the past as many as 200 people crowded into Mugs Away, according to estimates by people who were there, city officials have informed the bar's staff they plan to enforce its occupancy limit -- 49 people. The owner of Mugs Away, Rob "Hutch" Hutchinson, didn't return a call for comment on Moon Amtrak. At Haines & Cross carpet cleaning, a few doors down from the bar, office manager Michelle, who declined to give her last name, says it is high time the city takes action. Every year, the business must close its doors during Moon Amtrak, she says. The company also must drive its vans off the premises, or lose access to them all weekend. Last year, the density of parked motorcycles jamming the area made it impossible to move carpets in and out of the building, she says, although nobody actually tried to do that. But others don't mind the visitors. Some report seeing other business owners setting up stands to hawk T-shirts or drinks to revelers. "It's one day a year," says Greg Adams, owner of Adams Woodworking. "I don't care one way or the other," says Kevin Brady, of Brady's Auto Repair, who nevertheless cordons off his premises with tape. It's unclear how effective the city's tactics will be. Moonamtrak.org, the closest thing to an organizing body the event can claim, is still providing directions and tips for attending, although it notes the rule changes, highlights the lack of liability insurance surrounding the high jinks and alerts readers that "the city and the railroad would rather you didn't bother coming to this event." With all the new restrictions, Moon Amtrak "is done," as in finished, says Mr. Manthe, as other patrons nod in agreement. "Nobody will be talking about it anymore." But others aren't so sure. Mr. Adams predicts crowds will be only slightly smaller than last year's. If they must, determined mooners will "hoof their way in," he says. By Wednesday, the city had begun putting up traffic markers and notices on Camino Capistrano. In years past, attendees say, recreational vehicles started rolling onto the thoroughfare as many as three days before the event, to get prime viewing spots. Tony Terzo, who came for the first time last year, feels the spots people jockey for aren't all they might be, given that naked rear ends are aimed at the railway tracks rather than at the street. "From this angle, you don't get a good view," he says, except of the occasional train passenger returning the bare-bottomed favor to the crowds on Camino Capistrano. "This year, my first moon is going to be that way," says Mr. Sanchez, pointing his finger in the direction of City Hall. Write to Sarah McBride at sarah.mcbride@wsj.com

If you gotta go...............

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers. 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.. Name two of them. 7. There a r e 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S...' Answers To Quiz: 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . Boxing 2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..) 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb . 4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. Strawberry. 5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle. 7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. .Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce. 9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

In all fairness to his aides, "I'm getting some Argentinean tail," sounds a lot like, "I'm hiking the Appalachian trail," when you're on a fuzzy mobile phone connection. Who hasn't had that kind of innocent misunderstanding?

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase? Maria: Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Maria: 'Your husband said so. Wife: Oh. Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora....the gardener did.' Wife: 'So how much do you want?'