BigusDicus

Excellent! I am going to steal this one.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll be expected to escort her on her verseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200k a year". The guy says, "You're bullshitting'me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

I had not heard it either. I really enjoyed it. I have a handful of friends who I exchange jokes with via email. It surprised me how many did not understand it.

Only A Farm Kid. When you're from the country you look at things a little differently..... A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?" "No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

FLY IN THE TOILET Fly in the Toilet When I went to the men's room in the Schiphol Airport when we got to Amsterdam, I saw the fly and didn't think much about it.? Now I know why it was there!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS of YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL..... MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO . COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD AT TENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . "YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG!" HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON OF A BITCH ASKED..... "WHAT DID YOU TEACH???"

Start with this: http://military-entertainment.military.com...=soldiertech.nl More: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type...aircut&aq=f

How To Know If Your Butt Smells

Bomb Squad

Russian Babes: Yes Russian Food: No

I have a helmut thay need to be polished!

It would seem you are getting your wish comrade.

And why not? They are white and they work!

I would think renting a house or condo would be easier and more comfortable. As owner of a boat I can assure you that generally speaking they do not increase in equity. What does bOAT stand for? Break Out Another Thousand!

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .." 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." 11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ5co_m4LA4 A THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

Happy

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General.... Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

We get by with a little help from our........

The Best Surgeon In California Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England " The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics.." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with... -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough... -- Lynnette, age 8 ( isn't she a treasure? ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 ( isn't he ready for the world of dating ?) WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 ( bless you child ) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 ( I like this kid ) And the #1 Favorite is .... HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10 ( He'll be married forever )