monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to yet another month, and welcome to another fertile crop of futile crap. Let’s dig in. A Thai family were injured after a pickup truck landed on top of their vehicle after falling from a bridge that was still under construction. A spokesman for the building company responsible said “With the benefit of hindsight, it might have been prudent to finish building the bridge before reopening the road.” Experts, you gotta love ‘em. Following the arrest of an Indian tourist for groping a woman on Beach Road, police have decided to charge him with the new offence of “antisocial behaviour predicated on alien cultural values.” Or as we like to call it, “stinking piggery.” It seems that yet another Walking Street go go bar has introduced a new rule requiring customers to buy at least one drink every 30 minutes or risk getting slung out onto the street. One suspects that a clue as to the thinking behind this rule may be contained somewhere in the previous story. City Hall has decided not to use this sign again following an enquiry into the incident where a drunk reported seeing a giant squid and the beach was closed for a week… A thief apprehended while buying a watch with counterfeit 1,000 baht notes claimed he was justified in his actions as the watch he was buying was also counterfeit. Police disagreed and fined him 10,000 baht. They later rearrested him after examining the notes he used to pay the fine. The Thai government has resolved to compensate over 3600 households following the recent flooding. A spokesman said that the authorities were to be applauded for their swift action in dealing with this situation and that the distribution of the 3600 buckets was already well under way. A Thai woman has been arrested after stealing a new car from a shopping mall and ramming it through the barriers. Her plea of “the voices made me do it” was accepted but as the only other occupant of the vehicle was a black cat, the pair of them have been convicted of witchcraft and are due to be burned at the stake next Tuesday afternoon. Tickets are now on sale. So why exactly does a hotel need periscopes? Are they expecting a high tide? Bar news time, and there’s a new go go called Penguin coming soon to Soi Pothole. Triangle has become the latest bar to convert from open to enclosed, so that’s one more place where we’ll now have to get off our bar stools to take a piss in the street. A Thai man arrested for stealing and sniffing a woman’s underwear told police he had a perfectly good explanation for his behaviour. When asked what it was, he replied “I’m a pervert.” Back to the back of beyond now as we recount a couple of rather long tales from Monkeywatch in October 2014… “Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”. A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary.” Local authorities are preparing to dish out harsher penalties to anyone caught playing bridge without a permit… It’s been reported that Chinese tour groups are on the decline in Pattaya but there’s been a rise in “independent Chinese tourists.” This does indeed seem to be the case as several groups with as few as 50 members have been spotted wandering around the city recently. Tourists had to be rescued from a smoke-filled bar on Soi 13/1after the premises caught fire and exploded following a suspected short circuit. As a result of this incident, the bar owner has now been arrested for breaching the smoking ban. A man has been arrested after he was caught secretly filming a 16-year old girl taking a shower. His claim that he was filming a remake of ‘Psycho’ was not accepted and he was taken behind the police station for a spot of ‘truncheon re-education.’ Finally, people visiting a park in East Pattaya were very unhappy when they were engulfed by smoke from burning leaves. However, when they realised what kind of leaves were burning they strangely became very happy and the place has now been dubbed The Million Years Stoned Park. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for taking a gander, and welcome to another sneaky peek at what’s transpired, inspired and expired in the last month. Chocks away. The Thai Navy are to create something they call an ‘underwater learning park’ by sinking some of their old ships. They should take some advice from the Koh Larn ferry as they’ve managed to sink more boats than just about anybody else. Experts have advised that the chances of another coup in Thailand are very slim, though if you had the gun barrel of a tank sticking through your front window you’d probably come to the same conclusion. A Thai landlord got into a punch up with a couple of MGBGTs (or whatever they’re called these days) after they tried to smuggle a girl into their room without paying a guest fee. So why would a pair of brown hatters want a girl in their room in the first place? Two men have been arrested after a group of Indian tourists complained to police that the luxury accommodation for 11 people that they’d booked didn’t live up to expectations… Pattaya Cricket Club have been ordered to return the trophies they brought back from the Koh Chang Beach Cricket Tournament because of a technicality – they didn’t actually take part. Police are investigating. A Thai postman had to be rescued after he was discovered at the bottom of a well in East Pattaya. A strange place to have to deliver a letter we thought, but it turned out that he’d just fallen in after getting completely pissed. Good job he wasn’t on his motorbike – oh hang on, he was. This is Thailand. Speaking of which, where else in the world would a construction company build a new road and leave an existing electricity pole standing slap bang in the middle of one of the carriageways. Well, it’s there to be seen in Najomtien, where this road is actually now in use. This one you really couldn’t make up. Pattaya is pleased to welcome another tour bus full of quality tourists… Bar news now, and Shark has expanded its premises to cover Walking Street and a large chunk of Soi Diamond. PlayGirlz is also expanding by opening a third establishment on Soi Boomerang. So not all gloom and doom for mongering then. A public transport safety campaign has been launched in Pattaya after a Chinese tourist was killed when he allegedly got off a baht bus without ringing the bell first. It’s been suggested that a further campaign highlighting the dangers of getting pissed out of your mind on rice wine might also be helpful in this respect. Don’t look back in anger as we revisit a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2014… “For food fans, the front of Royal Garden Plaza is the home of a new KFC (that’s Korean Fried Canine), so if you’re feeling a little husky you can now go and eat one. There’s also a new restaurant on Soi Buakhao called Woks and Knickers, which sounds interesting if you’re a monger but a tad racist if you’re a bit hard of hearing. An Algerian has filed a discrimination claim against an airline after he was ejected from the flight because he ‘smelled like a pair of zookeeper’s boots’. However, it’s still unclear whether the man is claiming he was discriminated against because he’s an Algerian or because he’s a stinking pig.” Pattaya police have found evidence of illegal immigrants flying in from Arabia… Floods of course cause damage to countries all over the world but where else but Thailand would you get flood damage to a waterfall? Well, it’s happened at the Thi Lo Su Waterfall in Tak Province. Not sure how you’d go about fixing it. Drying it out perhaps? Seems to be the way to cure tourists who’ve ingested excess fluids, though one suspects that water isn’t likely to be one of them. A Pattaya monk has been defrocked after being found smashed out of his skull on yabba. Not sure what vows monks in Thailand take but it doesn’t look like abstinence is anywhere on the list. And now a gardening story, Pattaya style. Two neighbours were tending to their gardens when the man complained to the woman about her barking dog, something he apparently did frequently. She didn’t take this too well so she threw a plant pot at him and knocked him off his ladder. This angered him somewhat so he went for her with a pair of pruning shears. Fortunately, she managed to defuse the situation by pulling out a gun and shooting him. Moral – if you run at a Thai woman brandishing your tool it probably won’t end well. Finally, there’s been a fit of moral outrage online after a video showing a Thai man pissing in the sea at Pattaya Beach went viral. The comments seemed to be split between people wanting him to be hanged in public and others who were blaming his behaviour on a lack of public toilets in the area. A grilled squid seller who observed the incident said he’d never seen anything like it before. Always good to have input from an expert. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to another stream of unconsciousness. Let’s go with the flow. Within the space of a few days, two South Korean tourists were found drowned off the coast of Koh Larn. No doubt the Chinese will be accusing them of cultural appropriation, having had something of a monopoly on drowning around this location, though in their case it’s usually by the ferry load. If you’re having a bit of trouble getting the old plonker to perform these days, you may be interested to know that a Thai clinic can now offer to fit you with a prosthetic penis. It seems that they insert some kind of inflatable thingy into your dick, though their advert omits to mention how the inflation of the device is actually achieved. One thinks they should clear this point up before some silly bugger has one fitted and connects it to the air line at his local garage. Now that’s an image that could stick in the mind for a long time. Pattaya City has assured visitors that it is committed to completing the construction of the 32 public restrooms at Bali Hai Pier. Some are, however, questioning the strength of this commitment as the project was originally scheduled for completion in June 2021. Best advice is to just take a piss off the end of the pier. Preparations are under way for the Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society’s outdoor production of Lawrence of Arabia… Two Thai men have been arrested for smuggling six million meth tablets into the country by concealing them in an elephant’s anus. In another story, meth use in Thailand has taken a sudden and unexpected drop. Pattaya police are investigating after a cannabis shop owner reported that someone had stolen his bong. Shortly afterwards, a Vietnamese tourist reported that someone had stolen his Dong. Now that sounds an awful lot nastier. Have you noticed that many bar girls on social media now list their profession as ‘digital creator’? So why are they doing that then? Doesn’t sound like a very accurate description of bar work. We did notice that it’s an anagram of ‘Dictatorial Reg’ so perhaps he bullied them into it. Or more likely still, perhaps he didn’t. If anybody asks you the way to the Bamboo Bar, just send them here… Bar news now, and the Pin Up family is to have a new member on Walking Street by the name of Chick A Go Go. That should keep a few eyes slanting. Soi Diamond also has a new place on the way called True Color A Go Go. Strange name. Police in Pattaya say they’re committed to clamping down on traffic light violators. Good thing too. We can do without those sorts of perverts. And saying they were given the green light is no defence. Once more we take a magic carpet ride into dreamland with a look back at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in August 2014… “As you probably know, new security measures have been put in place to by those friendly airline people keep you safer when you fly to Fun City. From now on, if customs officials find an electronic device in someone’s luggage that might be a bomb, the owner will be asked to turn it on. There you are. Feel safer now? Pawnbrokers and antique dealers in Pattaya have been issued with instructions on how to avoid selling stolen government property - stop buying it. Easier said than done according to the shops in question, though one would think it unlikely that someone trying to flog a load of drain covers and bridge rails had obtained them from a legitimate source. Armed soldiers in full combat gear were sent to a tourist beach the other Wednesday to clear away the food stalls and other vending operations, allegedly as “part of a campaign to clean up the country’s image”. Really? Not sure that the average tourist visiting Thailand for the first time and seeing a beach crawling with armed soldiers attacking beach vendors will be thinking to themselves “I’d sure like to come here again”. This new selection of vibrators is now available in all moderately disreputable Pattaya stores… A tourist was killed by a 30 storey fall from a Pattaya hotel last week. He was just walking past the hotel minding his own business when a bloke landed on him from 30 floors up. Remember, to be safe in Pattaya, always look left, right, up and down wherever you go, and just hope that there’s nobody behind you. City Hall say new infrastructure projects are to be introduced to tackle the flooding problems in the area. Sounds like they’re going to have to stump up for another bucket. And finally, police say they’ve busted up an illegal gambling racket in East Pattaya. That’s another pensioners’ bridge club buggered then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more midsummer madness in the land that time didn’t forget. Game on. Onlookers watched in amazement when a Japanese chap rammed his car into the front of a Pattaya go go bar a couple of weeks ago. Now we know that some people like to park near to their destination to avoid walking, but this guy is just plain lazy. An allegedly distraught young Israeli who went missing has been found alive and well in a forest in East Pattaya. When asked by the rescue team why he was so upset, the young Jewish lad replied “I’ve lost my pullover” (think about it.) The local authorities are quite right to be enraged by the so-called hostile labelling of Pattaya as ‘Sin City’ by a TV station. A spokesman pointed out that in the past few years the city had seen a marked increase in vertical tourism, though he did admit that this had been somewhat hampered by the recent influx of stinking pigs following the relaxation of visa rules for certain countries. Back to the drawing board, boys. Bloody Brits, always losing their phones in Pattaya… Since July 15, people from 93 countries are able to enter Thailand without a visa. Not much of an offer really. People can enter the UK without a visa or a passport and get a free 4 star hotel thrown in into the bargain. Now who could resist an offer like that? Not many, apparently. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to bring in stricter regulations regarding water sports. A bit late for that really. The go go’s stopped doing those shows years ago (unfortunately.) Pattaya is to modernise its firefighting equipment to protect the safety of its citizens and visiting tourists. The new bucket has already been ordered and is expected to arrive any day now. If you’re not a customer, go smoke your own… A quick look at bar news, and the old Sluts premises on LK Metro is reopening as the Oasis Cocktail Lounge. Sounds like they’re hoping to attract a better class of pervert. Heaven Above has a new upstairs bar called Cleo’s Hideout, which is billed as a Speakeasy and looks to be modelled on the old prohibition era places. And Soi Diamond is getting yet another go go in the shape of iDolls. Go go come, go go go. An Iranian man has been found murdered at his Pattaya restaurant. Boy, these food critics just get tougher and tougher. Remember what you thought you’d forgotten now as we revisit Monkeywatch in July 2014… “A Malaysian bloke who decided to spice up his first trip to Thailand by ordering a penis enlarger online was more than a little miffed when he opened the package and found it contained a magnifying glass. There’s been disquiet in some quarters after it was reported that a certain Walking Street Go Go bar is controversially employing ladyboy dancers. This is absolutely appalling. Some poor unsuspecting poof could go in there and end up with a girl by mistake. Drivers in Pattaya are going to find it harder to get their licences following the introduction of a new and tougher driving test in Thailand last month. Instead of the old 30 question theory test, they will now have to answer 50 questions and the pass score has been raised from 75 per cent to 90 per cent. Worse still, if they get through that they now have to drive a car as part of the test as well. Baht bus drivers will, however, be exempt from the theory bit – and the driving bit.” Leftovers from the Pattaya Spring Festival?.. While patrolling by Pattaya beach the other day, police arrested what they described as an incoherent man dressed as a monk. Well that’s just a monk isn’t it? Following the success of this year’s Pattaya marathon, a bar owner is planning to stage the first British Expats’ Marathon next month. He said it’ll be a little different from the Pattaya version, as contestants won’t have to do any running but will have to complete a gruelling course of 25 pints of lager and a chicken vindaloo. Just a standard Saturday night then. A Thai man is reported to have died in a Pattaya restaurant “under suspicious circumstances.” He obviously hadn’t eaten any of the food then. Finally, another story about a Thai man who went to rape a masseuse he’d hired but failed and stole her phone instead. It was also reported that while he was giving her a lift to his abode he turned his motorbike into a rubber plantation. Sounds like he’s better at conjuring than rape. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to another peek at the city of scaremongering without the scare. Let’s rock. Well the ever popular sport of balcony diving has gone into international overdrive in Pattaya with no less than four incidents occurring in the first week of the month. The first one to plummet was a Thai, followed by a Russian, an American and a German, who set a new record with a drop of 33 floors from a 5 star hotel. Well at least they seem to be getting a better class of jumper. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s now been a fifth and a sixth, with a South Korean taking the plunge and an unidentified woman plummeting to her doom from a Pattaya Beach condo, though she only managed 27 floors. When asked why she couldn’t be identified, a spokesman said “Well how do you identify a pool of goo?” Police arrested 21 Indians for illegal gambling after raiding premises in East Pattaya. All 21 of the miscreants denied the allegations and said the police had no right to come bursting into their hotel room without a search warrant. Hotel management removed 19 sleeping bags from the room and are said to be checking into who exactly made the booking. Ribbed for extra sensitivity?.. Bangkok Pattaya hospital recently held what was described as ‘a lively seminar’ about men’s sexual health. One chap who was particularly lively was told to put it away and leave the building. Yet another Middle Eastern restaurant in Pattaya has burned down, this time near the entrance to Walking Street. Why can’t the dissatisfied customers just give them a bad review like people do in the West? After three Chinese tourists were injured in a boat crash, authorities have ordered a review of safety measures as they want to be able to assure Chinese visitors to Thailand that they have at least a 50/50 chance of leaving the country alive. Tourists visiting Bangsaen Beach for a swim were put to flight when they discovered that the sea water had unexpectedly turned green. Well at least it’s better than the old days when the water was brown – and there was nothing unexpected about that. What do you mean, I’m putting on weight?… Bar news now, and the old Secrets premises has been resurrected once again and is now called GAY. Don’t have any more information except we’ve heard that you have to use the rear entrance to gain admission. There’s also a new Go Go opening on Soi Diamond that’s variously being described as Windmill 3, Dollhouse and Electric Blue. Whichever it is, sounds like good news. Following reports to the police, an elderly woman who seemed to be disoriented and wandering round East Pattaya was taken to the local police station where she told them she’d got lost. They kindly offered to give her a lift to her destination and when asked where she was going she replied “Helsinki.” Thoughts of days gone by now with a rewind to Monkeywatch in June 2014… “There’s been some discussion about how the Pattaya scene is being killed off by the Agency Model. Is there anything that can be done to reverse the trend? Well, all you have to do is get the bar owners to put up a united front and collectively agree not to employ these girls. So nothing can be done then Police were called to a small local village in East Pattaya after residents detained a 21 year old man who was said to have sexually assaulted a 74 year old woman in her own home. A spokesman said that the man had been questioned and was facing a charge of necrophilia with an underage woman. A Thai teenager was arrested for shoplifting in a 7-Eleven store in Central Pattaya the other Friday after he was found to have concealed a bottle of sunscreen down the front of his trousers. Appropriately, he was taken to Dongtan Police station for further questioning.” We’re not going to stand for this… It appears that, in an attempt to improve public services, Pattaya has acquired three new toilet buses. Not sure exactly how that works. Perhaps you wait for the bus to come then get in and take a piss in the back. No, that can’t be it – that’s what taxis are for. A woman has been found dead in a shopping mall fitness centre. Good advert for exercise. Always said it was no good for you. There’s yet another new tourist initiative under way called “Ignite Tourism Thailand.” Well if it’s got anything to do with setting fire to tour buses you can count us in. The mayor’s office has come up with a solution to end traffic congestion at the North Pattaya intersection. Roughly translated, it reads “Shut the bloody thing down.” And finally, the idea to impose a new Thailand tourist tax has been scrapped after the authorities decided “It wasn’t worth the effort.” Think they’ve just found themselves a new slogan. be seeing you monkeyman

Don't worry. I was pissed when I wrote it. Cheers.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to a sneaky peak at the latest high jinks in the City of Smut. Brace yourselves. The Pattaya Waterworks Department has declared that there won’t be a water shortage in Pattaya this year. Those of us who’ve spent many an hour walking through Pattaya’s entertainment areas up to our waists in water probably won’t have too much difficulty believing this. An instructor at a municipal fire station shot one of his recruits the other week after what was described as a “heated argument.” Unfortunately, the other recruits assumed that this was the thing to do so they followed the instructor’s lead and shot him as well. When asked if the man had survived, a spokesman said “Well he was shot in the head 11 times. What do you think?” It seems that Thai scientists have discovered pollution from fossil fuels in Antarctica. They presumably had to go there because they couldn’t find any in Thailand. Perhaps they’ll find some prostitutes there as well. Beach Road recently hosted a promotion called “Car Stereos for Show-offs… A Turkish kebab restaurant on Second Road was burned to the ground the other day after an explosion ripped through the kitchen. It’s rumoured that the accident occurred after one of the cooks mistook a hand grenade for a pineapple. The owner seemed to be undeterred by this little mishap and now plans to open a new restaurant on Soi 16 (Mohammed Alley.) A chappie from New Zealand was arrested last week after it was discovered that he’d overstayed his visa by six years. It seems that he’d avoided detection by only venturing out at night. He was subsequently charged with vampirism and issued with a deportation order. Just another day in paradise. The squirrel arsonists that caused several electrical fires in Walking Street a few years back have been at it again, this time in Sriracha, where one of the little buggers set fire to an electric pole by climbing up it and causing a short circuit. The fire then spread to communication cables and very nearly to surrounding properties. A spokesman said “It’ll be a good thing when all these electric cables are relocated underground so the squirrels can’t get at them.” Won’t stop the moles from having a go though, will it? A Thai artist put on a display last month entitled “Penises of The World” (the Japanese one is on the left.) Bar news time, and Champagne Club looks like it’s finally going to reopen as a music venue called Tuk Tuk Club. Turning a Go Go into a music bar really is a piss poor show, which is very nearly what was on offer in Champagne about 15 years ago. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. It’s been reported in the press that a building in Bangkok collapsed while it was being demolished. Well that’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it? Time for a bit of backpedalling now as we return to a trio of tales from the heady days of Monkeywatch in May 2014… “Well, Songkran has come round again, and it brought forth some novel events, including a ‘Drink, Dive, Duck’ party at the A-One Royal Cruise Hotel. Unfortunately, the marketing executive who devised it was stopped by police on his way back home for driving erratically and ended up attending a “Drink, Drive, Fucked” party at Pattaya Police Station. A number of people were arrested in the Siren Beer Bar Complex a couple of weeks ago after police caught them playing “Hi-Low” for money on a pool table. The police carried out the raid following a tip-off, but initially had difficulty finding these lawbreakers as they were hiding behind a group of prostitutes and drug dealers. It’s been reported that there was a drop in the number of Japanese tourists visiting Pattaya during April. This may be due to them staying home for Japan’s Annual Penis Festival on the first Sunday of last month, though attendance was said to be low as no-one could find it.” Bloody silly place to build a greenhouse… Pattaya has seen a large increase in sales of school uniforms this year. Some have attributed this to an upturn in the economy and improved job prospects, while other have put it down to rumours that Classroom A Go Go is about to make a comeback. The Mayor of Pattaya made an appearance the other day and gave a guarantee that all outstanding road works in the city would be completed by the end of the year. He then did a cartwheel, sang three choruses of “Roll Out The Barrel” and was sick in a bucket. Finally, it’s been announced that there’s to be a new sign at the entrance to Walking Street after the current one was demolished by a team of electricians who were trying to repair it. Their first repair attempt seemed to have been successful until some busybody pointed out that the sign now read “GLITTER WANKS”, and it was during their attempts to put that right that the terminal damage took place. What’s left of the sign is being put back in place until a new design is approved and a Japanese tourist has been arrested for stealing the missing letter ‘E’. So why don’t they just go back to the old sign that served the city well for so many years? It was a bloody sight better than the current hideous monstrosity that we’ve had to endure for god knows how long. Well, as they say in Thailand, “If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to our April fools edition, where the truth may be stretched a little further than normal in one or two places. Or a lot further, as the case may be. Well, Songkran all went fairly smoothly apart from one little incident when a visiting Vietnamese businessman complained to the police that a crowd of revellers just across the road had got his dong all wet. Actually, if he keeps his money in his trousers he might have been making two complaints. The government are demanding that action be taken against taxi drivers who harass tourists and charge extortionate fares. They are being supported by a group called Clean Up National Taxis (we do like an acronym) but are being opposed by the drivers themselves who say it’s an attack on Thai culture. Thai news channels have been told by the national watchdog to be more careful in the way they report stories with potentially offensive content. One channel that was criticised for a particular story pointed out that they’d put a trigger warning at the beginning of the offending piece, but were told that “This report features a man having his bollocks shot off” lacked a certain sensitivity. There was a nasty outbreak of stinking pig in Central Pattaya the other week. It seems that everyone unfortunate enough to catch this nasty disease turns a variety of gaudy colours for a few hours then makes a sudden recovery. Happy Holi-days? A group of Indian chaps trying to find a brothel were directed here by a helpful passer-by… A bit of a barney kicked off recently between an apartment block owner and a group of bar owners over noise levels in the early hours of the morning. The apartment owner said she was having to give refunds to some of the residents because of the noise from the bars. Unfortunately, the rest of the residents are now demanding refunds because of the noise from the rows between the protagonists involved in the argument. Think it’s got something to do with karma. Heard the one about the feller who took his girlfriend of two hours back to his hotel, only to find there’d been a power outage. “No power” he said to her, to which she replied “I know. You barfine my friend before and she tell me.” The large numbers of Indian tourists now coming into Thailand has led to a novel new concept – curry flavoured condoms. The trialling of these unfortunately had to be halted after an Indian fellow accidentally put on a vindaloo flavoured condom inside out and ended up having his dick incinerated. Well it was probably for the best. From the look of the air quality here, perhaps the patrons should try a bit more sip and a bit less puff (also good advice if you visit Katoeys ‘R’ Us)… Bar news now and yes, it’s finally happened, the Las Vegas Bar Complex on Soi Diana has opened its doors to the paying public. Get in quick, it probably won’t be around for very long. There was an incident in a restaurant bar the other night when the resident Italian tenor collapsed on the floor clutching his throat and turning purple halfway through a piece of light opera. The word is that somebody dropped a chilli into his mouth from the balcony in a revenge attack after he’d refused to sing ‘Baggy Trousers’ the previous evening. Funny, you’d have thought that an opera singer would’ve been able to take a song like that in his stride. All our yesterdays now with a trip back to a trilogy of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2014… “The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish. If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead. Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense.” Didn’t take the thieves long to get to work on the new outdoor showers on Beach Road… A row broke out on the beach a couple of weeks ago when a geezer demanded a refund from a deckchair vendor because leaves from the coconut trees kept landing on his head. The vendor told him he shouldn’t be so touchy as another bloke had a coconut land on his head and he didn’t say a word. Newbies to Pattaya who think they’ve found the girl of their dreams are being advised that if they catch her texting in the middle of a shag then it could possibly indicate that there may not be a sufficiently strong basis for a long-term relationship. Finally, it’s been reported that 20 Chinese tourists have survived a bus crash near Pattaya. So what happened to the other 200 then? be seeing you monkeyman

Here's Lou performing in Papagayo...

Well it's certainly possible but I won't be putting my shirt on it. I think this is at least the third opening date we've been given.

And for those who don't remember... How many Pattaya locations can you identify?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more tales from the world’s favourite building site. Rock on. A tourist leaving a local beer garden the other week was somewhat surprised to notice that his shorts had unexpectedly caught fire as he left the premises. It seems that a rather careless Thai workman had been cutting through some metal and had sprayed the walkway with a shower of sparks, some of which had ignited the nether garments of the passing tourist. Having been refused compensation by the workman, the hapless tourist went to the police station to make a complaint. The officer on duty turned out to be somewhat unsympathetic and told the man to go away as he was obviously a liar. When asked how he came to that conclusion, the officer replied “Well your pants are on fire.” A man arrested for robbing a Chinese tourist said he couldn’t help himself as he just had a yen for it. He was charged with robbery and carrying an offensive joke. Police personnel have been promised that they can expect a better quality of life in the future, so an increase in the price of tea may well be in the offing. The turnout for the Pattaya Music Festival seems to have fallen a little short of expectations… Following pressure being brought on them from somewhere or other, the police have decided to crack down on a long standing pirate movie gang. They haven’t yet identified the ringleader, though following a tip off from an informer they’re looking for a man with an eye patch, a wooden leg and a parrot on his shoulder. They haven’t found him yet, though of course in Pattaya a bloke like that would just blend in with the crowd. Pattaya has decided to take the plunge and try out automated parking meters on Beach Road to “modernise the city’s parking system”. Hate to burst your City Hall bubble fellas, but they’ve actually been around since the 1930s and most cities got rid of them decades ago. Raids have been carried out by police on bars allegedly selling laughing gas to tourists. They’d be better off selling the stuff to Thai comedians to use at their shows. Doesn’t sound like a particularly pleasant experience… Bar news now, and the Las Vegas beer bar complex on Soi Diana now dominates the street with its big archway, garish bright lights and flashy neon signs. Pity all the bars are still in darkness. Much the same as Champagne. Will that place ever reopen? Thai authorities have launched an investigation following an incident on an aircraft where a passenger’s power bank spontaneously exploded. Yet another case of a member of the public being de-banked. Slide back to days of yore now with a gaggle of yarns from Monkeywatch in March 2014… “Heard a story the other week about chap in Pattaya who decided to have his name tattooed on his penis but gave up after the first letter. Some say he ran out of money, others that he just ran out of penis. A local woman was killed the other week after being attacked by her neighbour’s dogs on her own front step. Her family put in a claim for compensation but the insurance company refused to pay out as they said it was an Act of Dog. A drunken Thai builder has been arrested for trying to rape a woman 31 years older than him. When asked what motivated the attack, he said he was a child molester but wasn’t very good at maths.” Welcome to the sun-kissed paradise that is Pattaya… If your idea of a good time is a decrepit old boiler with a face that’d stop a clock then Bamboo Bar is the place for you. Just put on your flared trousers, slick your hair down with Brylcreem and the world is your lobster. If you think this is being a little unfair, well you’re probably right. Younger, more attractive women also frequent the place. In fact, one was seen in there as recently as 2017. Now for an absolutely true story (breaking new ground here) about an expat who bought a local property only to find out that the place was infested with cockroaches. He went to a local Thai store to find a suitable product to get rid of the little buggers and located what he thought to be the right stuff for the job. He took it to the counter and asked the shopkeeper “Is this good for cockroaches?” to which he got the reply “No, it kills them.” You really couldn’t make that up. Finally, we can’t end without mentioning the recent passing of Lou Deprijck, the man who gave us the ‘Pattaya, Pattaya’ song and was also the composer and voice of the Plastic Bertrand hit ‘Ca Plane pour Moi’. A Pattaya resident of many years standing and often seen in Papagayo. Truly one of our own. be seeing you monkeyman

The 100 or so food stalls obviously didn't. 😡

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for staying in touch, and welcome to another sneak peek at the latest goings on (or off as the case may be.) Pattaya police have been issuing leaflets to Chinese tourists warning them of online scams. Suppose they’re on about things like advertising Pattaya as a great place for families where they won’t get shot at by gangs or drowned on ferries. Now who would fall for a scam like that? A beach on Koh Larn has been given a major clean up following a rash of complaints about foul smells, flies and litter. This has outraged the Chinese ambassador who described it as a blatant racial slur. Can’t imagine what he meant. A social media video featuring sex on Pattaya beach has caused outrage in some quarters as it “damages the image of Pattaya as a family tourist destination.” Quite right too. That sort of disgusting behaviour should be confined to more appropriate places – like Go Go bars. And if that wasn’t enough, Pattaya beach was in the news again this month following the installation of outdoor public showers on Beach Road with the promise of three more such facilities along the length of the beach. Sex in public? Showering in public? Are they trying to put the Go Go’s out of business? The Pattaya International Kite Festival that started last Thursday on Central Beach hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… The Tourist Police have been busy training Walking Street security guards on how to conduct themselves in their dealings with the public. Suppose they could give them some tips on how to beat up customers without leaving any marks. A popular feature of Pattaya is the variety of traditional English pubs such as the Pig & Whistle, the Punch & Judy and the King’s Arse. That last one was meant to be called the King’s Arms but the owner unfortunately employed a Thai sign writer who didn’t know his Arms from his anus. This also led to the pub closing down the day after it opened as the owner was arrested for lese majeste and was never seen or heard of again. Silly bugger. A Thai bloke had to enlist the help of local emergency medical services after a ring he’d slid onto his dick became stuck and cut off his circulation. That must have been one hell of a wedding ceremony. Wonder where the bride put her ring? You see, this is one of the advantages of being Japanese (probably the only one.) A Japanese chap would never have this problem. He’d still be looking round trying to find out where the ring dropped off. First we had underground car parks, now we have underground curry parks… Bar news now, and Slutz on LK Metro is the latest Go Go to go (go) down the crapper. However, it seems to have reappeared on Soi Boomerang. The Las Vegas Bar Complex on Soi Diana is due to open on March 1 though they may be hard pressed to meet the deadline. Let’s wait and see. And we can’t finish without mentioning that this month marks exactly 10 years since the final demise of FLB Bar. God bless her and all who sailed in her. People often say that it’s dangerous to stand under a tree during a lightning storm. Well a Thai fellow in Sri Racha was observed doing just that for quite a while and absolutely nothing happened to him. Mind you, the three blokes standing next to him were all killed. Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream as we revisit the haunts of the past through the eyes of Monkeywatch in February 2014… “Here’s a new idea for Pattaya – tribute bars. When a well-known bar disappears from the scene, why not replace it with a similarly sounding copy, just like they do with bands? Anyone for Effing B Bar? Or Club Glue? We’re waiting for a certain Soi 15 show bar to shut so we can open Analbitch. Some people make a big thing about men in Pattaya going with much younger women like it never happened anywhere else, but as we know, that’s bollocks. Take Bruce Forsyth, for instance. His wife’s 40 years younger than him – but then so is his hair. A group of 22 students were injured on Highway 36 last Wednesday morning after they were involved in a collision with a container truck. None of the students were seriously hurt but their motorbike was a write off.” Now who could argue with that?... A Thai woman was rushed to hospital after her husband launched a frenzied attack on her with a machete and a meat cleaver on Valentine’s Day. Who says romance is dead? Police received a report the other day of a mysterious death in a Pattaya seafood restaurant, though if the place is anything like most of the seafood restaurants in Pattaya it’s hard to imagine what the mystery is. Thailand’s first driverless electric bus has been offering passengers free rides around Phra Nakhon Si Ayutthaya province. It was last seen plunging off the end of Bali Hai Pier. Finally, a German tourist made a complaint to police after he was given a kicking by Go Go staff in Soi Buakhao. He probably didn’t have his papers. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to Monkeywatch as it enters its 19th year, no less. Doesn’t time fly when you’re taking the piss? Thailand is predicted to have lower than normal rainfall this year, so visitors to Pattaya may only find themselves up to their knees in water rather than the usual up to the waist situation. Life just gets better and better. Three people were injured in East Pattaya when a barbecue unexpectedly exploded. Attendees at the function were forced to dive for cover as sausages, burgers and sundry other items were fired around the premises like missiles. Now that really is fast food. A revolting stench that’s been upsetting Pattaya residents since the beginning of the year has been traced by authorities to an Indian restaurant in the area, though it’s unclear whether the problem is being caused by the restaurant or by its customers. Now that’s what we call a small business… To celebrate National Children’s Day earlier this month, a local zoo gave free admission for a day to under 12 year olds in the area. Guess it was good for the animals too, as a varied diet is considered essential to their health and welfare. The parking mayhem on Walking Street has prompted the authorities to come up with a solution whereby vehicles park on the left and the right on alternate days. Unfortunately, they overlooked the fact that right for vehicles travelling north is left for those travelling south. A spokesman acknowledged the problem but said it didn’t really matter as everybody would ignore the rule anyway. It’s been announced that Pattaya is preparing its 70,000 hotel rooms to accommodate an expected 27 million visitors in 2024. Okay, so if we assume an average two week stay per visitor, each room will need to accommodate about 15 people every day of the year to meet the target. They’d better hope that all the visitors are Indians. Oh, hang on, got that wrong, it’s actually only 1.5 people per day. That’s the Indians well and truly stuffed then. Pattaya workmen are renowned for working flat-out to get the job done… Time for a look at the bar news now, and there’s a new place on Walking Street called Candy Club. The signage outside suggests that it’s a Go Go but who knows? Triangle Bar has been refused a new live music licence because it isn’t an enclosed area. New rules allegedly, though there may be more to this than meets the eye. Be interesting to see what happens when other similar establishments come to renew their licences. Should put an end to the Pattaya Music Festival with a bit of luck. Labour shortages in Thailand have led some to suggest that employers may consider using robots in preference to human staff. Don’t think it’ll catch on with Go Go Bar owners somehow. Mind you, when you look at some of the girls on stage… Time to look back at days gone by now with a threefold dose of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in January 2014… “The debate about how much to give the girls seems to be a popular topic for conversation again. Basically, the uglier you are, the more you have to pay, so if you’re paying upwards of 3000 baht, do us all a favour and wear a bucket over your head. However, if you’re Australian, remember to take it off before you go home or you might be mistaken for Ned Kelly. Wonder how much he used to pay? There have been some hostile comments recently about the increasing numbers of Japanese-only bars operating in Thailand, but it’s gratifying that people with small brains and even smaller dicks can still get something out of life. Like that Japanese bloke who won a smallest dick competition in Bangkok and had a double celebration as he’d won a biggest dick competition in Tokyo only a week earlier. An Israeli quality tourist was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall the other Monday after being caught stealing a woolly hat. At his court appearance he was given a good ticking off by the judge, who concluded, “The prison sentence for this crime is six months – but to you, five and a half.” In Pattaya it’s not only walls that have ears… A large number of women turned up a couple of weeks ago for a breast screening event in East Pattaya. On hearing that there was a shortage of staff to carry out these screenings, a number of regular visitors to Pattaya offered their services, claiming to have several years of experience in this particular area of expertise. An Indian tourist who was arrested for breaking the window of a car told police he was trying to get to his friend who was unconscious inside the vehicle. On examining the vehicle, police found an Indian man slumped over the wheel pissed as a rat. They removed the man from the car and gave him a warning about his future conduct, which we believe involved calling him a stinking drunken pig and kicking him in the bollocks. The operators of a sun lounge business on Beach Road have been given a 15 day suspension for hurling insults at foreign tourists. They apologised for their behaviour and promised not to refer to any more tourists as “stinking pigs” even if the description was unquestionably accurate. That’s an apology? Finally, a local newspaper has apologised for reporting that the King of England is in hospital getting the treatment from a large prostitute. That’s what happens when you get your translation software from a market stall. be seeing you monkeyman

Top Gun is indeed the old Pulse Club. Champagne and Bachelors still closed as far as I know.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and prepare to be transported to a wonderland of Christmas magic and festive delights. Okay, it’s just the same old shit with tinsel on. Let’s kick off with a rather strange tale. A prisoner went on the run a couple of weeks ago after escaping from Bangkok Pattaya Hospital where he’d been taken for surgery on his penis. A surgeon told police not to bother searching for the man as they’d be able to re-arrest him as soon as he returned to the hospital. When asked how he was so sure the man would return, the surgeon replied “Well we’ve still got his dick in our fridge.” Now Pattaya has its new late bar opening hours, people have been asking if the famous Kiss Choke and Puke on Second Road will be going back to its old 24 hour a day service. We’ve got a question too. Who gives a shit? A Belgian tourist ended up in hospital the other night after a wire rope sling penetrated his wrist and hand after he fell over on a sidewalk. The company responsible for the wire said it was the man’s own fault as “He was pissed as a rat.” When they were asked about another incident on the same day where one of their hanging wire ropes slashed a motorcyclist’s neck and propelled him into a ditch, the company said “Well he was pissed as a rat as well.” Following complaints about a lack of accessibility on Beach Road caused by the latest “improvements”, a new spacehopper lane has been added to help ease congestion… A German television company has been stirring the shit by making a documentary about the “scandalous sex trade in Pattaya.” Well done boys, but you’re about five decades too late. And haven’t you ever heard of the Reeperbahn? An investigation is under way after a photograph appeared online of a female Chinese tourist wearing a Thai policeman’s uniform. A Thai man in a Chinese dress is believed to be helping police with their enquiries. A man questioned by police in Walking Street about illegally selling laughing gas said it was all lies and the people around him were just happy. The police, however, were not happy and frogmarched him to the monkey house. The heats for the upcoming 2024 Pattaya Underwater Farting Contest seem to be producing some promising contestants… Christmas bar news time, and LK Metro has been blessed with two new Go Go’s in the shape of Top Gun and Fever. This could be very interesting (but probably won’t be.) A Thai man arrested for indecent exposure on Jomtien Beach earlier this month told police that he was just trying to get a Dongtan. More ghosts of Christmas past now with a selection of crackers from Monkeywatch in December 2013… “Two Thai cooks were arrested the other Monday after being caught stealing food from the restaurant where they worked. They claimed that they’d only stolen the food for their own consumption but police refused to believe them after talking to one of their officers who’d eaten in the place. The number of Chinese tourists coming to Thailand has dropped dramatically since their government ordered a crackdown on so-called ‘zero dollars tours’. It seems that the term refers to very cheap holidays that have hidden costs and not, as we’d always assumed, to the amount the average Chinese tourist spends in the bars. It’s been reported that prostitutes have been using a broken transformer box on Beach Road for oral sex. Bet that makes their lips sting a bit.” The new visa relaxations seem to have brought the Indian tour buses back… Pattaya City Administration has set up a control point on Walking Street staffed with administrative personnel allegedly for the benefit of tourists. When asked what they were actually doing there, one of them replied “I haven’t got a clue.” Following the news that 3D printed reefs were being used off the coast of Pattaya to increase marine activity, some bar owners are planning to get some 3D printed bargirls in to see if it increases the activity in their bars. Suppose it might get a few 3D printed customers in. Finally, a Thai chap had a bit of a surprise last week when his bathroom exploded without warning. Emergency workers who pulled him out from what was left of his house concluded that he’d been taking a leak at the time of the explosion as his dick was still in his hand. Unfortunately, his hand was on the roof of a house on the other side of the street. A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to another session of worm can lid lifting. Tin openers at the ready. So December 15 is the big day when we finally get the near mythical official 4am bar closing times. So this puts us back exactly where we were about 20 plus years ago when many of us were visiting Pattaya for the very first time. Isn’t progress wonderful? Interestingly, it’s been pointed out that the new closing time regulations don’t extend the hours during which alcohol can be served, so you’ll need to buy a shitload of beer before 2am to see you through the last two hours. Unless of course this little anomaly is sorted out by December 15. Don’t hold your breath. Pattaya is proud to announce that it’s been awarded the acclaimed Integrity and Transparency Assessment Award. The award was made by the National Anti-Corruption Commission, who one would doubt have ever won it themselves. Thanks to a new visa exemption scheme, Thailand is anticipating the arrival of more than one and a half million Indian tourists by the end of the year. Pattaya is already gearing up for this, with a number of 7-Elevens having placed orders for an additional crate of Singha to see them through this busy period. The restaurants have been busy too and many have added a full Indian breakfast to their menus, though a bowl of curried cornflakes is unlikely to entice many away from their full English breakfast. Think we’ll give it a miss. The mayor took some time out the other day to inspect progress on Pattaya’s storm drain dredging operation… A Thai man who was seen wandering erratically up a road claiming that he was a victim of demonic possession was saved by a police officer who performed a roadside exorcism on him. Roadside exorcisms? Whatever next? Self-service massages? Drive-through vasectomies? The Pattaya Bridge Club has found a new home at the Dom Restaurant. Probably make a nice change from their previous regular haunt at Soi 9 police station. Remember boys and girls, no more than two packs of cards or you’ll be back to the old venue before your feet touch the ground. The Thailand Cultural Centre is currently hosting an arts event known as the Khon Performance. Presumably the performers at this event should be referred to as Khon Artists. The Pattaya Tourist board has announced that 10,000 Chinese tourists are expected in December. Looks like some of them have arrived already… Bar news time, and as is often the case, there’s pretty much bugger all to report. There’s an upstairs place just opened on Treetown called Beachy Club. Looks like it might be a go go, but who knows? And beware of a new bar off Soi Buakhao called Cindy’s Secrets, as the secret is that it’s full of brown hatters (so we’re told.) Have you noticed how people keep talking about ‘marmite bars’ when they’re reviewing places that they’ve visited in Pattaya? Doesn’t sound like that great to us. The bars that used chocolate sauce were much more fun. Slam the old time machine into reverse now as we revisit a trio of tall tales from Monkeywatch in November 2013… “An Indian tourist turned up at the police station the other day to report an incident at a fast food restaurant a few hours earlier. Apparently, he had complained that his food was cold but the staff weren’t interested. He demanded to speak to the manager, who immediately punched him in the face and discharged a tazer into his testicles, then dragged him out through the door, threw him onto a pile of rubbish sacks and urinated on him. The police advised the man that it was not their policy to get involved in customer service issues and that he should contact the restaurant’s head office if he felt that the manager hadn’t resolved the original complaint to his complete satisfaction. Construction noise in Pattaya is going from bad to worse. Wherever you are, there always seems to be some prat hammering on a steel pipe, giving you an earful of “dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.” It’s like sitting next to a girl in a go go bar. Police were forced to apologise for arresting three men for stealing an ATM kiosk after it turned out that the incriminating CCTV footage had been accidentally played backwards and the men were in fact erecting the structure. The mistake came to light when one of the men was clearly seen to be sucking urine from a wall into his penis. Two of the men were released without charge and the third was taken out the back and given a good kicking for pissing up a hotel wall.” Hey hey we’re the Monk-ees… According to the police, there aren’t any Chinese buggers in Pattaya. Are they kidding? There’s thousands of ‘em. Oh sorry, it was Chinese beggars they were on about. They went on to say that they are “determined to keep Pattaya free of any negative elements that could tarnish its reputation as a popular tourist destination.” Defunding themselves might be a good start. A Thai man who was visiting Pattaya to see the fireworks show miraculously survived after he fell from the balcony of his room. Unfortunately, he landed on a small dog and squashed it as flat as a pancake, at which point the enraged owner of the dog beat him to death with a frozen shoulder of pork he just happened to have about his person. Police discovered the murder weapon but have not yet apprehended the attacker, though they said in a statement that the murder weapon suggested that the incident was unlikely to be related to the current conflict in the Middle East. Finally, a Thai woman has been arrested for swindling a Turkish man she met on a dating site. Apparently, he gave her 2000 baht to take him to a ping pong show and she took him to the Pattaya Open Table Tennis Tournament. Serves him bloody well right. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to our autumn almanac of stories you couldn’t make up. Well not entirely anyway. A tourist in Thailand turned up at a local airport the other week asking for help as he couldn’t remember which hotel he was staying at. The staff duly made enquiries and told him “Well, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we’ve found out that you’re booked in at The Hilton. The bad news is that it’s the Amsterdam Hilton. There’s a bus stop at the end of the road.” The Department of Marine and coastal Resources has rescued a stranded marine creature which they later identified as a false killer whale. Bloody Thais. Is there anything they won’t counterfeit? Police have launched a crackdown on late-night street racing in East Pattaya. Clearly they take a very different view on this from the authorities in Singapore, who only last month allowed 20 hooligans to race around the streets at night for a whole weekend. Thai police have identified the ringleader as a Dutchman named Max Verstappen and have warned him that if he and his cronies try the same stunt in Thailand there’ll be hell to pay. Looks like it was a lively night at Gaza A Go Go… The local Thais have been blithering on about merit making again for some reason or another. No point telling us. We don’t even know what a merit is, let alone how to make one. In a renewed crackdown on Walking Street vendors, it’s been announced that they’ll only be allowed to work after 6.30pm if they don’t actually sell anything. Sounds like business as usual for most of them. A Qatari pervert has been arrested for sexually assaulting a male Thai employee in the lavatory of a fast food restaurant. It’s rumoured that the victim was given a wash and brush up in the most literal sense. The owners declined to comment. The last of the stage props from the old Marilyn A Go Go has finally been sold off… Bar news now, and the old Penthouse on Pattayaland 2 looks to be making a comeback – if somebody is prepared to stump up the asking price of 220 million baht. Back in the day, people used to say what a great go go bar it had. Others told the truth. A homeless glue sniffer had a bit of a bad day after falling from a third floor balcony in Pattaya and breaking his arm. Well at least he had something to stick it back together with. Time for more retro reminiscences now with a peek back at a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2013… “A pub on Third Road was burned to the ground the other week after a fire broke out in the storeroom. Police then arrested the owner for breach of a 30-day closure order, saying the place was no longer closed as it didn’t have a door…or walls…or a roof. Suppose they had a point. A female Chinese tourist had a lucky escape a couple of weeks ago after falling through some unsafe railings and down a cliff at Pattaya Viewpoint. Her fall was fortuitously broken by a large pile of rubbish that had been dumped at the bottom of the cliff and she escaped with relatively minor injuries. The medics who attended the accident told her she was a very lucky woman, though she seemed unconvinced that falling through railings and plunging down a cliff into three tons of rotting garbage was a sign of good luck.” One of Pattaya’s cinemas has downsized a bit in line with predicted tourist numbers… The boss of Travel Weekly Asia has announced to the press that Thailand has been voted the best holiday destination of 2023. He then sang three choruses of “Hi Ho Silver Lining” and was sick in a bucket. An Indian tourist turned up at the police station in a distraught state after losing his wallet in the back of a taxi. Bet he’d have been even more pissed off if there’d been any money in it. It’s been reported that Witherspoons had a problem recently with a group of Americans occupying a large number of seats while sharing a single bottle of water. A more blatant case of cultural appropriation is hard to imagine. Finally, the manufacturers of the board game Monopoly have just brought out a Chiang Mai version of the game following the previous release of a Phuket edition. Wonder what a Pattaya version would be like? Bet the “In Jail” square would be a whole lot busier. be seeing you monkeyman

Maybe we have a woke tourist in our midst?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more dollops of dirt served up on a Pattaya platter. Engage warped drive. Let’s begin with some good news. It’s been reported that Chinese visitor numbers to Pattaya are declining. Various reasons have been put forward to explain this, such as higher air fares and visa complications, but no mention was made of things like Chinese drowning on sinking ferries, being shot dead in the crossfire between feuding Thai gangs and plummeting to their death from various high-placed locations. Must have slipped their minds when they did the report. Pattaya has announced plans to build a brand new ferry pier on Koh Larn. Bit of a waste of time if you ask us. Most of them sink before they get that far. Local police have begun late-night inspections of Pattaya Beach “to ensure tourist safety.” Thus far 17 tourists have been arrested, 31 fined and two deported. There you go. That’s 50 tourists who feel really safe already. We understand that this sign was modified to accommodate the stature of the average Chinese tourist… Walking Street’s big tree (sometimes referred to as the FLB tree) is currently receiving what’s being referred to as “tender loving care.” If it receives the same level of tender loving care as the trees on Beach Road, the cries of “Timber!” can’t be too far away. Looks like U-Tapao Airport has been given the green light for a 24 hour entertainment zone, so they can expect the arrival of copious amounts of drunks, drug dealers, prostitutes and sex shows before very long. It seems that their long term goal is to turn the place into an entertainment city where people will fly in, have their fun and fly out again without ever setting foot outside the place. Sounds like a winner if they can sell the idea to the multiplicity of stinking pigs who seem to think that their mission in life is to go to Pattaya and piss off everybody within a five mile radius. Following Thailand’s adoption of the United Nations decree that children should be protected from violence to animals, all young people in Pattaya are to be issued with free blindfolds. It was also decided that any surplus blindfolds should be given to woke tourists to protect them from real life. Pattaya’s new topless bar isn’t quite what we expected… Bar news now, and Pulse A Go Go in LK Metro has been relaunched as Minx (thought they were the blokes with the orange robes.) There’s also a new place on Soi Buakhao called Stunners, though initial reports suggest that it may not live up to its name. City Hall has announced that the landscaping of Beach Road is to be accelerated so it’s completed in time for high season. This has been agreed with the contractors who have promised to shift their operations up to first gear sometime soon. Back to times gone by now with a trio of titbits from Monkeywatch in September 2013… “Fire crews were summoned to Walking Street the other Friday night after a fire broke out in a Turkish restaurant. The cause of the fire has yet to be established, though the Pattaya Good Food Guide is believed to be high on the list of suspects. A ferry had to be evacuated near Koh Larn last week after the engine caught fire. Those on board were transferred to speedboats and taken back to the mainland while the blaze was tackled by firefighters. The ferry was apparently taking tourists on a sightseeing trip to the spot where the last one sank. Pattaya has been officially declared Mafia free by a senior police chief who went on to say that tourists can be reassured that the city is perfectly safe. He then abruptly left the press conference after his housemaid phoned to ask if she should take the horse’s head out of his bed.” In line with its international commitments, Pattaya has begun preparing accommodation for illegal migrants… Bar owners in Soi Chaiyapoon have been asked to cough up 5000 baht apiece “to make the soi into a new Walking Street.” An uncharitable mind might be tempted to postulate that the person behind this scheme has recently acquired a large quantity of second hand neon signs and overhead power cables. Pattaya Floating Market dropped out of the top five most popular tourist destinations this month after it unceremoniously burned to the ground. It had always been a very popular attraction, bringing in crowds of spectators from all around the world. Bet it brought in even bigger crowds of spectators while it was on fire. Finally, Bangkok Airways has announced that from next year all passengers will be required to be weighed before being allowed to fly. Maybe their aircraft can’t get off the ground if they’re carrying too many podgemeisters and fatsters. Doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence, does it? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more midsummer mayhem in Loony Land. On with the show. Well, we’ve said goodbye to the old Walking Street and hello to the new sign-free and cable-free version. Don’t worry though – if you feel a bit nostalgic, just wander up any of the side sois and see things exactly as they were before. Vehicles have been banned from Bali Hai pier following the discovery of structural damage to its supports. Probably due to the weight of all those Chinese tourists standing on it. Either that or they’ve been eating it. Anyone who’s tasted a Chinese curry probably wouldn’t blame them. Thailand is reportedly preparing itself to be the destination of choice for Europeans and Americans, as it seems they may have finally realised that these groups spend a bloody sight more money on their trips than the various varieties of stinking pig that they’ve been courting in recent years. Or maybe they haven’t realised anything, as Pattaya has recently been entertaining representatives of the Russian and Kazakhstani travel agencies in an attempt to boost tourist numbers from these countries. Nice to see that their commitment to increase the number of quality tourists remains undiminished. In anticipation of the arrival of these new quality tourists, accommodation has been prepared commensurate with their anticipated budgets… The go-ahead has been given by the Thai government for magic mushrooms and opium to be used in medicinal trials. Although this is currently still at the draft proposal stage, they’ve allegedly already had over 50,000 people put their names forward to take part. Never realised the Thais were so public spirited. A man wandered into the police station the other day to report that he’d been rear-ended on the Laem Chabang highway. An investigation is under way, though it was initially delayed by the police misconstruing his report as a road traffic accident. The health authorities in Pattaya have started conducting food safety checks in all the local market places. We understand that they plan to send an inspector into every market and if he comes back alive after sampling the wares they’ll be given a clean bill of health. The translation would suggest that Thai isn’t a very concise language… Bar news time, and there’s been some activity in the Walking Street area with the opening of One Night Jack A Go Go and Runway Sexy Club in the old Misty’s premises. It appears that the latter will be employing both male and female dancers, so make of that what you will. An unusual tale now of a woman who’s being sought by police after she swindled 850,000 baht out of an elderly monk. The story goes that she initially approached him for money as she needed to refuel her vehicle. It must have had one hell of a fuel tank. Time for our usual drift back to a decade ago with a look at three of the best from Monkeywatch in August 2013… “Heard a story the other day about a chap who picked a girl up in a bar. She spent the whole evening being sulky, not speaking to him and spending all his money. When they got back to his room she laughed at his dick and refused to have sex with him. Just goes to show that blokes who say you can’t get a girlfriend experience in Pattaya anymore don’t know what the bloody hell they’re talking about. A local grocery shop owner has been arrested after being accused of selling drugs to teenagers and bar workers. This has caused a great deal of outrage in the local community, particularly with drug dealers, one of whom said “If that fecker can sell drugs, we’re gonna start pushing fresh fruit and veg. And in his case, we know exactly where we’re gonna push it”. Three Thai youths were arrested in South Pattaya the other week after being caught trying to steal petrol from a motorcycle. Also arrested was a girl from a blowjob bar who the youths said they’d brought along to siphon the petrol from the tank. Police decided to let them off with a caution after the girl demonstrated her technique to the arresting officers.” Looks like the rumour that the Thais have bought Stonehenge from the Brits and relocated it to Pattaya were true… Tourist police became involved after an Indian fellow got into an altercation with a bunch of katoeys and got a bit of a kicking. This was a most unusual incident as absolutely no mention was made of a missing 50,000 baht gold bracelet. City Hall has just run a training course for public transport drivers to educate them about traffic laws, public safety and care of tourists. One is tempted to point out to them that it might be better to send people on these courses before they actually give them the jobs in the first place. Finally, police are investigating after a man walked into a temple in east Pattaya and stole the temple donations box. Doubt if there was anything inside it though. I mean, even if somebody wanted to donate a temple, they’d never get it into a box as small as that. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tuning in again, and welcome to the latest delve into the goings on and goings off in Snigger City. Let’s do it. The construction work on 2nd Road is due to be completed by the end of this month so we can expect to see things get back to normal sometime in 2024. Or 2025. Possibly. The Ministry of Public Health, concerned by a serious shortage of medical personnel, has come up with a radical plan to solve the problem. It goes along the lines of “get some more.” If only the West could think with such clarity. A 19 year old Thai chap surprisingly survived after plummeting from the 6th floor of a Pattaya building. He fared rather better than the bloke he landed on who was killed instantly. Preparations are under way for the Pattaya Bridge Club’s open-air production of “The Desert Song.” They’re hoping it will rival the Pattaya Women’s Institute’s recent staging of “They Died With Their Boots On”… Residents of Jomtien recently became alarmed after the sea water in their vicinity turned brown and started stinking like a polecat. So what are they worried about? A little nostalgia never did anyone any harm. Central Pattaya Shopping Mall has apparently just staged something called “Fruit Festival 2023.” Don’t know what that’s all about. Perhaps it’s their version of Pride Month. Thai Airways has announced the planned purchase of 30 new aircraft by the end of the year. When asked what would happen to the aircraft that were displaced, a spokesman said they would be disposed of by natural wastage, which we believe to be aircraft industry jargon for “We’ll just fly them till they crash.” Always wondered where baht bus drivers got their tyres from… Bar news time, and first up is Pulse A Go Go, which has temporarily shut up shop for a bit of a refurb. Perhaps of more interest is the news that Devil’s Den is set for a comeback and new premises are currently being sought. Deep joy. Police arrested three bar staff following a recent drugs raid in Soi Bongkot. Probably for watering the drinks as usual. Relax and float downstream now as we relive a couple of moments from Monkeywatch in July 2013… “The body of a shoe-shiner who’d had his head bashed in was found up by Tesco-Lotus the other Monday. A witness said he’d seen the deceased having an argument with a man the previous day. The man was apparently furious that the shoe-shiner had begun polishing away without even asking first - and without noticing that the man was wearing flip flops. Police are investigating. A temporary monk (so how does that work then?) had a bit of luck last week after winning 44 million baht in the national lottery. He said he planned to use some of his winnings to buy a house for his mother and to make a donation to a local orphanage. He also said he wants to find his long lost father and talk to him. Got a feeling his chances of doing that just got a whole lot better.” The Thai Navy are proud to unveil their new Pride Torpedo… A Thai food company has released a statement proclaiming that it’s preparing to send fried chicken into space. This barmy idea is apparently to do with something called the “Thai Food – Mission to Space” program. Maybe KFC are planning to sell buckets of chicken pieces from orbital platforms. Book your flights now to avoid disappointment. Onlookers watched in amazement the other week when a pickup truck hurtled off the end of Laem Chabang Fishing Pier and plunged into the sea. The driver was probably following directions from a Thai satnav. Following a search, local police discovered the dismembered body of a German tourist in a freezer in South Pattaya, though the exact location remains unclear. Let’s hope it wasn’t a restaurant. Finally, a diver rescued a mobile phone the other week after its Indian owner fell off the end of Bali Hai Pier. When asked why he didn’t rescue the Indian man as well, the diver replied “Well I only had time to rescue one of them and I liked the look of the phone most.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all present, and welcome to another midsummer night’s wet dream as we probe the pits of Patts. The mayor of Pattaya has personally assured the safety of 2000 Chinese tourists who will be arriving in Pattaya next month. Doubt if this will be much comfort to the other 8000 or so who are expected to turn up as well. After managing to escape from his tour group and losing his phone, a Chinese tourist got pissed as a rat and threatened to jump from his Central Road hotel balcony. So that’s his idea of a threat, is it? Some people did try to talk him down, though their suggestions mainly involved him making a rapid descent down the outside of the building. Silly bugger. A Russian bloke who was also intent on committing suicide eventually changed his mind after Pattaya police managed to calm him down. Why can’t people mind their own bloody business? Police were called to Beach Road after an Asian quality tourist reported that his hotel suite had been broken into and a 50,000 baht gold necklace stolen… The Pattaya City authorities are reportedly on maximum alert in anticipation of the potential flooding during the rainy season. Most of us can no doubt visualise how this will work in practice – up to our waists in bloody water again. A couple of audacious thieves rolled up to a 7/11 the other day and robbed a couple of drinking water dispensing machines located in front of the store before riding off on a motor bike. When asked by police how much had been taken, the store owner replied “About 100 litres.” New regulations are to be brought in to improve the massage services offered on Pattaya beach. Here’s hoping they make a happy ending compulsory. That’d improve them no end. Not sure that replacement windscreen is completely safe… Bar news time, and there have been whispers that the Windmill family is taking Dollhouse into its bosom. Couldn’t go to a better home. There’s a couple of new go go’s opened, namely Club 79 on Walking Street and LK Angels on, well, you can probably guess where it is. Oh, and Hooters has shut down, though as it isn’t a bar and it isn’t really news either as everybody knows already, it has no place in this section and who gives a shit anyway? The Miss Healthy Queen 2023 beauty pageant has unfortunately had to be cancelled after several of the contestants went down with dengue fever. More blasts from the past now with a look at a trio of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in June 2013… “The beginning of May saw the Tiffany Show Theatre staging the Miss Tiffany Universe 2013 contest, as hundreds of mainly Chinese quality tourists packed the place to the gunnels to witness the usual panorama of poofery that they incomprehensively seem to relish so much. Grubby little ferrets. They give perverts a bad name. Someone should stick some bromide into their chop suey. The Thai government is launching yet another campaign to promote tourism in Thailand. The president of the Tourist Council of Thailand said “The government should emphasise quality and high spending tourists including visitors from China, India and Russia by granting them multiple visas”, a statement which distinguishes itself by simultaneously being grammatically inept, completely incomprehensible and utterly wrong on more levels than the mind can comfortably conceive. A couple of Ruskie quality tourists were arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing hats from a stall in Central Pattaya. In their defence, they claimed that they had no money to buy headwear and were just trying to blend in with the western tourists, who they’d heard were mainly brown hatters and two-week milliners.” Visitors to the first ever Classic Sunset Rendezvous car show in Jomtien next month will have the opportunity to view exotic classic cars from around the world, including this little gem from the Pattaya Motor Company that was reportedly sold for 40 million baht before the purchaser was even allowed to view it. We hoped to interview the company’s owner but apparently Interpol say he was last seen playing piano in a bar in Tangiers… A bloke wielding a butcher’s knife went berserk in Central Pattaya last week for no particularly good reason. Police were quick to react and officers were ordered to arrest anyone carrying such a knife on the spot. In another story, locals have reportedly been having difficulty doing their weekly food shopping as all the butcher’s shops appear to be deserted. A Chinese all day buffet has apparently had to put up a sign informing Chinese tourists that they draw the line at people who arrive for breakfast then stay for lunch and dinner before buggering off back to their hotels. Clearly a misunderstanding of Chinese culture here. Finally, City Hall has pledged to take action to resolve the traffic congestion in Soi Buakhao. An official said that contactors had been hired to carry out the work and the first batch of land mines will be laid next week. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s look at the things happening in Patts, both big and small. Well okay, just small then. This month the WHO brought glad tidings of comfort and joy for travellers to Thailand by announcing that Covid-19 is no longer a global health emergency. Well how about that? So what will their next up-to-the-minute pronouncement be? That World War 2 is over? Silly buggers. Former Thai Prime Minister and fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra has announced that he intends to return to Thailand in July after 17 years of exile. Thaksin was of course the founder of Tie Rack Tie, the political party he named after a particularly natty piece of neckwear he bought from a shop during a trip to London. Quite appropriate really, as when he does return to Thailand there’s a good chance he’ll get his collar felt by the local constabulary. The International Riding School in Pattaya has received a warning from the police after announcing they were to put on a display of show jumping. A police spokesman said “We’ve made it quite clear in the past that we won’t tolerate lewd shows of this nature.” One of the organisers tried to explain that they were only using ponies but somehow it didn’t seem to help the situation any. If business goes well, maybe they’ll be able to afford a second chair before too long… A Pattaya tourist who fell into a sewer and spent seven hours there before being rescued said it wasn’t so bad really as it reminded him of Pattaya bay in the good old days – but a bit cleaner. Pattaya police have been banging the old drum again, warning ladies on Beach Road not to offer sexual services to tourists. While they were at it, they took some time to remind business operators not to rip off visitors and to refrain from fighting with tourists. Now that’s just being plain unreasonable, isn’t it? Thai Airways are trying to do their bit for the environment by turning used cooking oil into jet fuel. Perhaps someone should try to explain to them the difference between frying and flying, though Thai pronunciation of English may make this something of an uphill struggle. More luxury accommodation for quality tourists… Bar news now, and punters will no doubt be pleased to hear that Windmill Club has returned to its normal location after lengthy renovations. Not only that, but the temporary location on the other side of Soi Diamond is to remain open as well under the name of, guess what, Windmill 2. The soi is now a true pervs paradise. There’s a new place opened in Soi Buakhao called Ju Ju Club. The intended clientele isn’t clear yet, though the notice outside banning guns, knives and drugs suggests that it may not be aimed at foreign tourists. Soi Diamond has a new club called Coke A Go Go. Wonder how long that name will last? And Soi Pothole welcomes a new gaff called Buzzin’ Lounge on June 1.The adverts look promising (but then adverts usually do.) An alert has been issued by local police after a man was caught on CCTV stealing a pair of panties from a washing line. Police are in the process of rounding up all suspected perverts currently in Pattaya and at the last count 7263 people were helping them with their enquiries. Engage reverse gear now for a gander back at a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in May 2013… “There was yet another conflagration in Pattaya the other weekend, this time in the shape of a newly opened lift factory which burned to the ground. Guess the place is maximum capacity no persons now. Police raided some commercial premises in South Pattaya the other Monday and confiscated five slot machines. They told the owner that the machines contravened anti-gambling laws as they gave players the chance to win money. However, the man claimed the machines were perfectly legal as nobody had ever won a single baht from any of them. The police accepted his argument but no-one likes a smartarse so they arrested him for fraud instead.” This is the newly opened ISIS hotel the morning after their opening day celebrations. Those boys sure knew how to party… A football final between Thailand and Indonesia ended in pandemonium after the two teams were involved in a mass brawl, followed by a punch up between the rival team benches and a further incident where the referee had a traffic cone inserted into him and his car was set on fire. The referee said later that this sort of behaviour wasn’t acceptable and some of those involved came close to getting a yellow card. “Waiter, there’s a pearl in my soup!” A Thai woman was happily slurping away at her somtum when she discovered a rare Melo pearl at the bottom of the bowl. It’s believed that the pearl came out of a razor clam used to prepare the dish, though this has yet to be confirmed. The woman was excited by her valuable find, but said she would treasure it as a keepsake as you can’t put a price on something as special as this – then she changed her mind five minutes later when someone put a price of 10 million baht on it. Finally, Pattaya’s new MP has said he wants the city to have 24/7 bar opening hours. Don’t hold your breath (unless you’re walking up Soi 16.) be seeing you monkeyman