monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to this month’s delve into our bag of unsavoury snacks. Police were called to a massage shop after a Chinese quality tourist refused to stop filming inside the premises. It turned out that the little bugger wasn’t even a customer. The police removed the man after the staff had given him a free lower intestine massage with a toilet brush. A Pattaya hotel has apparently distributed 800 survival kits to less well-off residents of the city. So what’s a survival kit then? An ounce of weed and a six-pack? There was an article published recently discussing the transport options in Pattaya for senior foreign tourists. Strangely, hearse wasn’t on the list. Well at least it’s a step up from Indians and Chinese… Now Thailand has officially recognised poker as a sport, hopes are growing that card games in general with be looked at more favourably, which could lead to members of the Pattaya Bridge Club having their life sentences commuted. Pattaya has begun installing crosswalk lights to help pedestrians cross the roads in busy areas. Basically, it works like this. When pedestrians arrive at the crossing they press a button and wait for the signal to say it’s safe to cross the road. They then believe this and so step into the road and immediately get run over by a speeding baht bus. Regular visitors to Pattaya know that there’s only one rule to follow when crossing the road. Look left, right, up and down. Teams of Pattaya workers have been spending weekends clearing blockages from the local drainage system. Probably clogged up with dead Russians like last time. Thai smoking shelters sure are expensive… Bar news now, and Cheetah A Go Go on LK Metro seems to be turning into Spicy Saparot, though what manner of establishment it will be remains to be seen. The Maggie May’s beer bar complex should be open by the beginning of November and promises to offer a new beer bar experience. The concept sounds interesting – let’s wait and see. It’s not difficult to see why Mr Bean is so popular in Thailand, given that their home grown comedy basically consists of swanee whistles, arse kicking and nose tweaking. By comparison, Mr Bean is positively highbrow. Into reverse gear now as we look back at a couple of dubious goings-on from Monkeywatch in October 2015… “Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed. It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all.” Tourists who pay touts for a ping-pong show usually end up here… People who ask why Indian tourists walk side by side have obviously never walked behind one in a headwind. Visitors to Jomtien Beach have noticed a strange darkening of the seawater in the area. No official explanation of this phenomenon has been forthcoming, though some have suggested that it may have something to do with the new breed of quality tourists swimming there. It’s been reported that an Indian tourist has died at a South Pattaya hotel after an attempted suicide. Attempted? One wonders what he would have needed to do to be deemed to have been successful. Finally, following reports from amazed onlookers at Terminal 21, an elephant and its mahout have been banned from selling sugarcane in Pattaya. Don’t supposed the elephant’s too bothered. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another gander at all things Pattaya. As the renowned philosopher Steven Tyler once said, “Nothing exceeds like excess.” On with the show. Well, the spiffy new 3D sign at the entrance to Walking Street is finally up and running and tourists can be seen admiring it as they pass by on their way to somewhere else. One tourist remarked “It makes you feel like you’re in a world-class tourist resort – as long as you don’t look anywhere else.” A restaurant owner on Walking Street has been fined for dumping his waste in a public drain. Why couldn’t he just go to the toilet like normal people? Police had to intervene in a dispute on Beach Road between a woman and an Indian quality tourist after he grabbed her tits to see if he was going to get his money’s worth. He decided he wasn’t, at which point she kicked off and a small crowd gathered to watch the evening’s entertainment. However, the situation was resolved by the police, the woman went on her way and the Indian was ordered to attend a lecture on social etiquette. We understand these lectures normally take place behind the police station and involve the liberal use of batons. A new football game has been designed in Thailand for use by Chinese tour groups… Police were called to another incident at Pattaya Beach when two Chinese tourists were injured after crashing their jet skis into each other. Emergency responders were called but their services were not required as the jet skis were found to have suffered only minor damage. Tourists worried about their safety have been reassured by the authorities that Pattaya is a safe place to be. A representative admitted that there had been a gunfight in Jomtien but added that the bullets had all missed holidaymakers – well, most of them anyway. Koh Larn has just opened a new waste incinerator to get rid of their garbage problem. Interestingly, it’s been noted that since the plant opened the ferries seem to be returning from the island without any passengers. The downsizing plan for U-Tapau Airport has been rejected by officials after they were shown the proposed new layout… Time for very little bar news, and Le Pub a Go Go is now up and running, though everyone presumably knows already. The new Maggie Mays beer bar complex looks like it’ll need a big push to be ready for its November 1 opening date. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s reckoned in some quarters that Pattaya has too many Indian restaurants. This may be true but it’ll only be a temporary problem as TAT are doing their best to make sure they’re all full up. Reminiscences of a bygone age now as we sneak a cheeky glance over our shoulders at Monkeywatch in September 2015… “The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes. Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear. A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future.” Pattaya is always ready to provide accommodation for the more discerning quality tourist… It seems that Pattaya needs more foreign tourists to bolster its ailing alcohol market. Not sure that the current plan to flood the city with Indians will improve the situation any. Why don’t they encourage Brits to come instead? A dozen should be more than enough. It’s been announced that the mayor is considering a new boat drop-off point for the elderly. So not satisfied with arresting the elderly for playing bridge they now want to drop them off boats as well. A Chinese tourist caused a bit of a stir after climbing onto the balcony of his 26th floor hotel room and threatening to jump off. Rescue teams eventually persuaded him to come down so the whoopee cushion they’d put on the ground to break his fall wasn’t needed after all. It seems that some visitors do actually approve of Pattaya Beach’s ‘no deckchair’ days. Presumably these are the visitors who don’t mind standing up all day because all the seats on Beach Road have long since been taken away. A number of Chinese and Korean tourists were arrested in East Pattaya after a raid on an illegal poker den. No elderly expat bridge players are thought to have been involved. Finally, a word of advice. If you go into a Japanese cocktail bar while in Pattaya, be sure you order a B-52 and not a B-19. Sayonara. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the height of summer, and to the floods that come with it these days. You’ll probably get better weather at home. The latest establishment in Pattaya to burn to the ground is Catflaps in Pratumnak, which met its demise due to “a faulty bug zapper.” When police visited the premises belonging to the vendor of the offending item, they were told “It wasn’t faulty. It killed all the bugs, didn’t it?” A small group of Koreans had an expensive night out in a Naklua restaurant when they were presented with a bill for 100,000 baht. This may seem a little on the expensive side, though the figure became inflated somewhat after the group members had a small difference of opinion which ended up in a mass brawl that completely trashed the premises. Wonder if they left a tip? Pattaya Police are to start issuing substantial fines for helmet violations, so if anybody violates your helmet you should get down to the local cop shop pronto. Pattaya residents have been complaining to local officials that the theft of sand from the beaches is getting out of hand… Apparently, Thailand is fighting to win back Chinese tourists. Let’s hope it gets knocked out in the first round. A Thai woman has been arrested for allegedly having sex with nine monks then using 80,000 covertly obtained videos and photos of their antics to blackmail the hapless fellows into handing over 385 million baht in the last three years. However, one question that nobody seems to be asking is how in the name of Satan’s trousers did nine monks come up with that kind of money. Enquiring minds need to know. Some tourists have said that the reason they keep coming back to the same bars in Pattaya is that the girls talk to them and call them by name. Suppose this could be good or bad depending on what sort of names they call them. Whatever happened to all the really useful signs that you used to see around Pattaya?.. Bar news time, and Walking Street has yet another new addition, namely Atmos a Go Go. It replaces Glass House, which set the bar in terms of entertainment at a level that a limbo dancer would have had trouble getting underneath. Le Pub is set to expand its brief to incorporate Le Pub a Go Go into the same premises. Don’t suppose they’ll need many customers to fill the place up. The latest wave of Indian tourists to arrive in Pattaya apparently contain members of their ‘middle-class’. As far as we can make out, these are the ones who can afford their own room in a backstreet doss house without having to share it with a dozen or more of their compatriots. The social climbers are on the move. Fade into the mists of time now as we drift back to the heady days of Monkeywatch in August 2015… “The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16. The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards. Local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais.” If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss the display of fossilised elephant shit… The Minister for Tourism recently visited Walking Street, promising more support for tourism and tourist safety. Hopefully the “tourist safety” bit won’t involve police smashing their way into bars, forcing tourists to piss into a bucket then throwing them out on the street like it usually does. Much has been written about the purpose of TAT’s new “Value over Volume” policy. Basically the bottom line is “quality tourists in, stinking pigs out.” Trouble is, this ‘new’ strategy has been tried at least a dozen times before, and we’ve all seen the results of that. It’ll be back to stinking pigs in a few months. Finally, police are telling Thai women to “stay assertive” when dealing with men they’ve just met as they may not be as friendly as they seem, so next time you offer a bar girl a drink don’t be surprised if she responds by giving you a kick in the bollocks. be seeing you monkeyman

I was thinking that most people wouldn't know about the vinegar remedy (I didn't) so a company selling the stuff might want to encourage tourists to buy a bottle. Perhaps the joke was a little too obscure.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tagging along, and welcome to Pattaya as it begins its celebration of the Year of the Stinking Pig. No wonder the Chinese all left. Well, a new law passed by the Thai government at the end of last month means that in certain areas we can now buy alcohol 24 hours a day. All we need now is somewhere that’s open 24 hours a day so we can buy it. Investigations are under way after parts of Sukhumvit Road were plunged into darkness following the theft of street light control cables. A local spokesman said “We take a very dim view of this sort of behaviour.” Following an incident in which a tourist was kicked in the head while buying a soda at 3:50am, visitors to Pattaya have been warned of the dangers of buying soda during the hours of darkness. One suspects that this sign may have been sponsored by a vinegar company… If seems that the anticipated erection at the entrance to Walking Street will now be delayed until August, so anyone feeling the need for an erection before then is advised to make their own arrangements. Questions are being asked after 20 South Koreans were arrested in Pattaya for something or other. When asked why the arrests had been made a spokesman said “We haven’t decided yet.” The men were allegedly later released without charge and 20 Burmese migrant workers arrested instead ‘to make up the numbers.’ Locals fed up with the behaviour of miscreants in their area have said that nothing will change as long as officials only use verbal warnings against those involved. Their suggestion, however, that “the police should go in and kick seven shades of shit out of them” was not well received as it was deemed to be potentially damaging to the image of the city (not to mention the miscreants.) Following the recent huge influx of Indian tourists, Pattaya has planted a special tree to welcome them to the city… Bar news time, and it’s been reported that Cupido Club on Soi 15 has already shut its doors, cementing the soi’s latterly acquired reputation as the graveyard of go go’s. What a difference a few years makes. Much the same for Penthouse, which has closed down once again. It’s being claimed that the current situation with cannabis in Thailand is that it’s neither legal nor illegal. So it’s in the same category as prostitution, smoking in bars and shooting red lights? Okay, we understand. Time for this month’s history lesson as we look back to some yarns from Monkeywatch in July 2015… “A Thai bloke was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught on CCTV burgling an apartment on Third Road and stealing money, jewellery and a smartphone. When the man was arrested by police on Soi Buakhao, he immediately shat himself and had to be taken back to the police station for a change of clothes. Now that’s a real turd burglar for you. Passengers had to be rescued from the Koh Larn ferry when it sank last month on the return leg of its trip from Pattaya. The reason for the sinking has yet to be established, though it’s been speculated that it may have hit a piece of stray wreckage from the Koh Larn ferry operated by the same company that sank in 2013. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Bottom of the barrel, more like. It’s been announced that Pattaya’s baht buses are to get a safety upgrade in the form of safety nets, which will be attached to the sides of the vehicles to protect passengers and their valuables. In years to come, people will no doubt tell stories of the days when men were men and rode baht buses without the aid of a safety net. Others will tell stories of how they used to catch fish for a living until some bastards stole their nets and stuck them onto the sides of baht buses to comply with some half-witted piece of legislation.” They’ve got less regulations than this at the bloody police station… The public showers on Beach Road have finally been fixed, which has been well received by most visiting tourists, though the news seemed to cause a group of Indians to flee in panic for some reason. Police are warning tourists that open-air bars put them at risk of theft. Very true. Have you seen how much some of them are charging for a beer lately? Alarm has been expressed after a Swede was beaten up by a gang on Soi Buakhao. Police have advised all root vegetables in the area to be on their guard. Finally, a delivery driver in Naklua was given a good kicking by a road worker after he rode his bike over some newly painted traffic lines. Well that’s often what happens to people in Pattaya when they cross the line. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap to more midsummer madness in the City of Stinking Pigs. We don’t try to curry favour here. Well, in the case of Thailand, it looks like tourism from the yellow peril has been well and truly flushed down the crapper. A tourism representative said it was like watching an empire vanish. Others might say it was more like watching a carbuncle vanish. Trouble is, it may be replaced by something even more ghastly. A Pattaya woman is facing criminal charges after she faked a robbery to explain why all her farang boyfriend’s money had gone missing. Seems like Thai women are finding new things to fake. There’s been a spot of bother on Koh Larn, where people have been persuaded to part with large amounts of money to book into resorts that don’t actually exist. People who tried to contact the president of the island’s accommodation association were alarmed to find out that he didn’t exist either. It seems that the only verifiably real person involved in this whole sorry mess is some kind of entertainer called Eed Ponglang. Well with a name like that he’d have to be real, wouldn’t he? Tourists in Pattaya have been advised to beware of ‘underground tours’. We think we may have found one of them… Following a small resurgence of that nasty Covid thingy, a school in Pattaya has decreed that the kiddies all have to wear face masks while on the premises. These masks will no doubt be the cheap cloth ones that are about as good at stopping Covid as a submarine net is at stopping ball bearings. You might as well try to make the tide go back like King Cnut (or is it spelt Canute?) Still, looking on the bright side, at least if you go back to the missus with a sore throat you can blame it on Covid once again. Passengers concerned about flying to Thailand have been assured that there’s nothing to worry about as long as they avoid booking with airlines whose planes are held together with spit and curry powder. Local authorities have come up with a new crackdown accompanied by the slogan “Drive Drunk, Lose Your Car.” Very true. When you come out of a bar pissed as a rat it can be a bugger trying to remember where you parked the bloody thing. For some, a holiday in Pattaya is no more than a pipe dream… Bar news time, and there’s quite a bit of activity to catch up on. Go Go bars that have recently met their demise include Mamasan and Ka Boom on Walking Street and Cheetahs on LK Metro. On a brighter note, several new Go Gos have opened, including Geisha and Harem on Walking Street, Jisoo on Soi 15 and Dirty Money on Soi Buakhao. The last of these is just opposite the newly-opened Rum Runner, leading to speculation that this currently unfashionable end of Buakhao might become a rising star for entertainment. “Double the age, double the weight and double the cost” is how the ladies of Pattaya are being described by expats and long-term visitors when asked why the city’s appeal to Westerners has been in decline for some years now. Interestingly, the ladies opinion of the men is identical on the first two counts and is used as a justification for the third. Talk about a race to the bottom – but let’s leave the Boyztown sports day out of this. Board the Tardis of the mind now as we travel back in time to a bevy of yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2015… “The long-awaited installation of new drainage pipes on Beach Road is finally due to begin this month. The pipes will be located near to the entrance of Walking Street, opposite Soi 6/1 and up by the Dusit curve. Contractors carrying out the work have assured City Hall that once the work is completed, tourists on Pattaya’s streets will never again have to wade around up to their waists in water – only up to their knees. It’s not all good news on the renovations front though, as the refilling of Pattaya Beach has been postponed yet again, apparently because they have been unable to find sand that matches the current stuff on the beach. Can’t see what the problem is. All they have to do is get some low grade sand from a building site, mix in liberal quantities of shit, semen, plastic bottles and fast food containers then chuck the whole lot onto the beach. Should be a perfect match. In order to help make Pattaya “a safer place for tourists”, a joint operation took place last Tuesday between the Pattaya Tourist Police and the Chonburi Provincial Police Special Operations Unit (try saying that when you’re pissed) to conduct a raid on two shops on South Pattaya Road selling penis and breast shaped bars of soap. Police are still trying to locate the shop owner, who is to be charged with the heinous crime of selling pornographic soap. Feel safer now? A Thai chappie who reported to police that he’d been attacked and robbed of a gold necklace worth 30,000 baht later confessed that the attack never happened, his injuries were self-inflicted and he’d pawned the necklace to pay off a gambling debt. He was charged with making a false statement to police, who said they had better things to do than waste time on this sort of stuff. Like policing the shape of soap, presumably. The Prime Minister has requested that the media refrain from publishing stories and articles that portray Thailand in a bad light. So they should presumably avoid mentioning Russians, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, jet ski operators, police, doormen, muggers, druggers, buggers, diddlers, fiddlers, con artists, flashers, pickpockets, gangs, drunk drivers, ladyboys, floods, touts, yabba dealers and so on and so forth. So what does that leave then? Ah yes, cookery. That should do nicely.” Who says Pattaya has no 'safe' places?... A farang chap who had a bust up with his Thai girlfriend decided to deal with the situation by drinking mosquito repellent. Think we know the bar he must have been drinking at. A French expat was woken from his slumber the other night by the sound of his e-bike battery exploding and setting fire to his condo. He told fire crews he was glad he hadn’t been riding it at the time as it would almost certainly have blown his bollocks off. His Thai girlfriend is believed to have bought him an identical bike the very next day. Finally, it’s been reported that Chinese tourists are quietly leaving Pattaya. Must be the first thing the little yellow sods have done quietly in their lives. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us a visit, and welcome to this month’s delve into dark deeds and debauchery. Or not. Well, we just have to kick off with the news that Thai religious bar closure days have been scrapped in entertainment areas. Great news, unless you’re visiting a restaurant or visiting anywhere at all if there’s an election on. They just can’t let it go, can they? Or maybe they can, as the government is now considering including restaurants in this new law as well. Just don’t hold your breath (unless you’re standing within 10 feet of a “quality tourist.”) Despite this new found freedom, the Thai authorities are still getting themselves into a lather about the tourism crisis the country’s going through. They just don’t seem to be able to come up with a reason why tourists don’t want to come to Thailand any more. Well, if any of them are reading this, here’s a little clue. Rearrange the following into a well-known phrase or saying – “pigs many too stinking.” Pattaya is proud to announce the introduction of mobile air-conditioned toilets into the city. So how does that work then? Do you have to stand at a stop and wait for them to arrive like a bus? Wouldn’t fancy sitting in the lower deck if the thing was running late. In another story, City Hall has fined a project manager for “dirtying a public road.” Guess the mobile toilet must have been running late that day. If you’re visiting Pattaya, please drink responsibly… Walking Street is to get an “eye-catching 3D LED” entrance sign to replace the current monstrosity. It’s scheduled to be completed by August 21 so if you’re coming to Pattaya for Christmas there’s an outside chance you might get to see it working. Apparently, fears are growing that Chinese tourism in Thailand may be in permanent decline. Yes, we’re all scared shitless about that, aren’t we? It’s been claimed that Pattaya has a shortage of young workers to serve retired foreigners. Whoever made this claim has obviously never visited Pin-Up. Pattaya residents and tourists fled in panic after a swarm of several thousand fruit bats descended on roadside trees in North Pattaya. Wonder if any of them were called Eric? They were apparently first reported by a man who was on his way to the post office to buy a fish licence. He must be a loony. Big Brother is listening to you… Bar news time, and as you may know, Rum Runner is now open for business in the bowels of Soi Buakhao, and the closing time has been revised from 10pm to midnight. That at least gives you an extra two hours to try and find the bloody place. Talking of which, the debate on how to spell Soi Buakhao/Buakhow/Bukhoew/Bukow still rages on with no sign of any resolution. Tell you what, why don’t we just settle on Soi Bigcow and have done with it? Back to the heady days of times gone by now with a look back at a trio of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in May 2015… “Emergency services were called to Walking Street last week after a fire was reported in an Iranian restaurant. The cause of the conflagration has yet to be established, though it is rumoured that a group of local food critics may be responsible. The critics refused to comment except to describe the food in the establishment as “the only thing in the place that smells worse than the chef”. A Burmese factory worker met his demise last week after he fell into a meat grinder. Unfortunately, the police misunderstood when they were informed that a man had been killed by a meat grinder and arrested all the girls in Soi 6. When a factory worker explained to the arresting officer that they were actually talking about a mincing machine, police went to Beach Road and arrested all the ladyboys. The routes to Pattaya were even more gridlocked than usual last weekend as Thais flocked to the city to celebrate Labor Day. Having observed the proceedings, one can only conclude that in the Thai language ‘labor’ means ‘get pissed as a rat and fall into the road’.” In Pattaya, less Chinese tourists means there won’t be so many people going back home in black plastic overcoats… A drunken ‘Belgian’ tourist had to pay 35,000 baht in compensation after staggering round a convenience store in Naklua, smashing bottles of wine and pouring drinks over his head. He appears to go by the name of Mustafa so we can safely put this down to yet another case of stinking piggery. Belgian my arse. Thai hoteliers are urging the government to rush through the “Half Half Travel Thailand” scheme. So what’s that then? Cheap hotel stays for ladyboys? Locals have complained to the police about a cement spill on a road in North Pattaya. They were told to return when they had some concrete evidence. Finally, following a viral video clip, it’s being asked if it’s acceptable to hit Indian tourists with sticks for walking in the road. Suppose it’s okay if there isn’t a baseball bat handy. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another look at what’s through the keyhole in the city of silly grins. Let’s go for it. Pattaya’s new mobile health service got off to a bit of a bad start when their van ran over several of the people who were queuing for a health check. Nevertheless, they were given a comprehensive medical before being shipped off to hospital to have their injuries treated. As their motto says, “Improving the quality of life for Pattaya residents.” A German tourist was injured on Pattaya Beach when a motorcycle taxi driver knocked him out with his helmet. Local girls who heard about the incident are now eagerly trying to obtain the taxi driver’s phone number. A man impersonating a monk was recently arrested at a temple after engaging in what was deemed to be “inappropriate behaviour.” He was detained and handed over to the local district chief for “formal disrobing”. That doesn’t sound too appropriate either. City hall has denied that any buildings in Pattaya were damaged by the recent earthquake tremors… Another case of inappropriate behaviour was reported by a woman who claimed that a taxi driver “coerced her into an intimate act.” When she reported the incident to police she was told to produce evidence herself, at which point she handed over a plastic bag containing the man’s testicles. Not sure what that proved. For some bizarre reason, a monk in Bang Saray has suggested that floral wreaths at funerals should be replaced by school uniforms. Why school uniforms? You may as well replace them with whoopee cushions. Actually yes, that would work. A Thai chap thought it would be a good idea to go diving for shells so that he could sell them to fund his medical treatment. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a not-so-good idea as he ended up drowning. Well at least it saved him the bother of raising the money. Pattaya proudly announces the launch of its very own Space XXX spacecraft… Bar news now, and as you’re all no doubt aware, Phil (Mr Egg) Ross has sold Le Pub and will be opening a new go go type bar where the Black Snake Club used to be in the nether regions of Soi Buakhao. We suggested he call it Egg’s Zone but he didn’t seem too keen. It’ll actually be called Rum Runner and should be opening in about three weeks’ time. Penthouse has surprisingly been acquired by a Chinese consortium, though their plans for the place have yet to be revealed. Making cheap steel, probably. The old Hooters site has reopened as Beertique, which should be good news for craft beer lovers, or as they’re more commonly known, drunks. And the old Opium A Go Go has reopened as Dragon. Do we detect an ongoing Chinese connection here? Dad dancing, a dark art that we normally only associate with Bamboo Bar, has in recent months reared its ugly head on LK Metro. The offending premises is Scooter Bar, where men of a certain age feel compelled to make complete arses of themselves in public by flailing around in a manner suggestive of someone having a fit. Some even compound the felony by wearing baseball caps backwards, a fashion faux pas only rivalled by white socks and sandals. Pattaya, the place where bad taste never goes out of fashion. Enter our time machine now as we whizz back to a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in April 2015… “A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English. Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists. Naval ordnance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works.” This dog sleeps in the entrance to a Pattaya beachfront hotel, pausing only to wake up, have a quick look around and go back to sleep. We think it may have discovered the meaning of life… If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Jomtien is the town that never wakes. Try to get some food there after midnight and chances are all you’ll get is chicken’s bum and sticky rice from some dodgy street vendor who buggers off at warp speed before you have a chance to taste it. Not exactly haute cuisine, is it? Local authorities have issued a missive to remind visitors to Pattaya to drink responsibly. This seems somewhat open to interpretation, depending on the target audience. For instance, an Australian sporting event a few years ago decided to promote responsible drinking by enforcing a limit on how much beer each person was allowed to take into the enclosure with them. The limit was 28 cans per person. Reckon most of us could live with that. Finally, City Hall has celebrated Songkran with a traditional water blessing– the mayor was covered in white powder, had a shaving foam pie pushed in his face, a bucket of water thrown over him and a power hose discharged up his trouser leg. Nice to see cherished Thai cultural values being preserved. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for jumping aboard, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare ramblings. Chocks away. The post COVID outbreak of stinking pig in the Walking Street area is reportedly spreading and is now threatening to become a pandemic. Unfortunately no vaccine is available but face masks definitely help. There’s a new craze sweeping teens in Pattaya, namely riding motorbikes round the city and slapping Indians round the head. They don’t seem to bother with farangs, presumably because most of them are slapheads already. An Italian man who was arrested for getting his dick out at the Laem Bali Hai Beach claimed he only did it because he was unable to control his bladder. When asked why he was also spotted wanking he was less forthcoming, so to speak. Business is booming in Pattaya. We hear that this beach vendor is planning on getting a second chair in the next few months… It’s been reported that snatch thefts are reaching epidemic proportions in Pattaya. Well if the girls charged a bit less for them they wouldn’t get stolen, would they? It seems that Pattaya is to have yet more one-way roads in the near future. Bet the motorcyclists are really pissed off about that. Police have decided to look more closely into tourist complaints about the noise from motorbikes disturbing their sleep after being shown photographs of tyre tracks in hotel bedrooms. Looks like they might have found one of those missing snatches… Bar news now, and the old Misty’s a Go Go in Soi 15 is to reopen as Cupid Club A Go Go (or is it Cupido?) The upstairs floor of Club Electric Blue is now open, giving us two tiers of titillation, no less. If you’ve been to Windmill you know what to expect. There was yet another outbreak of stinking piggery this month during the Grand Holi Festival when two groups of Indian tourists were involved in a mass brawl on Pattaya Beach. It isn’t yet clear what caused the fracas, which was broken up by festival security and led to the police arresting two men. This would have been fine – except for the fact that the men were both Burmese nationals. As the Thai saying goes, if in doubt, arrest a Burmese national. Let’s do the time warp again with a triple look back at Monkeywatch in those heady days of March 2015… “Well, the BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’ has finally ended, so the whole world can now sleep safe in the knowledge that all the airport staff are shiny, happy people and all the passengers are potless, half-witted dickheads (for those of you not familiar with the BBC, it’s a British state-sponsored paedophile ring.) Police are investigating after a boatman was attacked and stabbed in the neck on Beach Road near to Soi 12. The motive for the attack remains unclear, but the police believe it to be an attempted mugging so are treating it as a case of boatman and robbin’. A Belgian man was interviewed by police after he was found walking around Pattaya naked from the waist down and carrying a bottle of sun tan lotion. When questioned by police officers, the man said he was looking for Dongtan.” The artist commissioned to make a bust of the mayor is now under close arrest… A local taxi driver called the police following a dispute over a cleaning bill after an elderly Israeli lost control of his bowels just after getting into the cab. The man eventually agreed to pay the bill, though the taxi driver expressed some surprise at the incident, saying that passengers didn’t usually shit themselves until he told them told them how much the fare was. Tourist unfamiliar with Thai driving behaviour are being advised to “wait for the traffic to clear” before crossing the road. Well good luck with that. Are they taking the piss or what? Finally, police have launched a crackdown on fake monks circulating around the Walking Street area conning money from gullible tourists. Good thing too. That’s the sort of stuff that real monks should be doing. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another through-the-keyhole peek at the latest strange behaviour in Smog City. A Russian chap sitting on a motorcycle on Beach Road was surprised when a woman approached his bike and pulled him off. Don’t know why he was surprised. Perhaps she didn’t charge him. Here’s a strange one. A Chinese tourist was stabbed near the entrance to Walking Street after an argument broke out with a man who’d walked up to him and asked him how big his dick was. Not sure that ‘big’ was the right word to use if the rumours about the Chinese are true. Pattaya officials have issued an order banning camping in certain areas of the city. Bars in Boyztown are urgently seeking clarification on the issue. Be careful if you go swimming in Pattaya as it looks like Chief Brody’s gone on his hols… A drunken woman of uncertain nationality was arrested after fleeing from a Pattaya hotel after smashing a glass table during what was described as “inappropriate behaviour” with a male companion. The hotel says it would seek compensation after the woman sobered up. They must have the patience of a saint. Actually, one would have to question if such an activity in Pattaya would constitute inappropriate behaviour anyway – unless she smashed the table over his head. Chinese tourist numbers have dropped considerably following the kidnapping of one of their female celebrities during a visit to Thailand. Let’s hope the kidnappers aren’t in too much of a hurry to release her. There’s been yet another outbreak of stinking piggery in the Beach Road area, this time involving a group of Indian men having a communal piss on the beach in full view of all in the vicinity. This carried on until they were attacked and beaten up by another group of about 100 Indians who apparently didn’t take kindly to having their sleeping accommodation pissed on. Sorry chaps, but you’ve been outstinkingpigged. Emergency services had to be called after a after a bloke trying to practise safe sex got his dick jammed in the door… Bar news time, and not really anything much to report except that Electric Blue is now advertising for staff and is rumoured to be opening next month. Bring it on. It seems that Jomtien Beach is now more popular with European tourists than Pattaya Beach. Numerous theories have been put forward to explain this, such as it being quieter and more relaxed, more family-friendly, more scenic and more cultural. Perhaps they should also have mentioned that the tourists there don’t have hordes of drunken stinking pigs pissing all over them. A bit of retro news now with a look at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in February 2015… “Police were called to a South Pattaya Go Kart track after reports of a punch up between Thai staff and some Kuwaiti nationals following an argument about the quality of the vehicles provided for hire. The Kuwaitis demanded arrests and a full apology, telling police that this was no way to treat distinguished foreign visitors. The police agreed, but added that this was exactly the way to treat ignorant loud mouthed stinking pigs and told them to bugger off. One of the ways the Thai government is exploring to increase tourism is apparently to promote what they call ‘water tourism’. Some bars have already embraced the concept by watering down their beer and putting on more shower shows. Why are there all those big signs over the roads with Ban Chang on them? If people don’t like the stuff they don’t have to drink it.” Looks like somebody didn’t… There was an incident on Beach Road recently involving a man who had a baht bus drive over his crutch. Bet he didn’t do much barfining after that. Local media have been questioning why Pattaya’s pedestrian crossings are so dangerous. Well it’s clearly the fault of pedestrians who seem to think that they have the right of way on these crossings. Silly buggers. Finally, following the failure of traffic law enforcement in Pattaya, local residents have suggested that a private company should be put in charge of clamps and punishments. Wonder if the management at The Castle would be interested? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for following us into the New Year, and welcome to more tales of Pattaya, the city that never sleeps – it just passes out. Stories abound that Walking Street is changing and the traditional go go bars are being replaced by luxury establishments for party groups. One report remarked that there are now seven or eight Indian clubs and none of them for Cheap Charlies. Well that would explain why they all close down after a couple of months. Concerns have been raised in some quarters about baht buses overcharging foreigners. This is true to an extent, but it’s no cause for concern as it only affects the foreigners who are as thick as pig shit. As part of the latest crackdown on drugs in Pattaya, a list of indictable offences has been compiled, including “accompanying unsavoury characters.” Well that’s the bar crawls buggered then. Their Gannet Ripple is awesome… In an attempt to catch foreign nationals who’ve been making porn films, police have launched an initiative called “Operation Rabbit Hunt.” Thus far they’ve managed to apprehend one pornographer and 51 rabbits. Thailand has voted to retain the death penalty for “gross crimes”, so if you’re a criminal it’s probably best to commit 143 offences then jack it in. A technicality forced local courts to release two Thai men who had been charged with stealing 60 metres of electrical cable when it was discovered that the cable in question was actually only 59 metres and 95 centimetres long. The prosecution had contended that 5 centimetres didn’t make any difference but the defence demolished their argument by producing several expert witnesses in the form of girls from various bars in the vicinity. You have to admire some ethnic visitors to Pattaya for their stylish yet understated dress sense… Bar news for the New Year starts with the anticipated reopening of Club Electric Blue on Soi Diamond, though no date has been announced yet. The Las Vegas bar complex in Soi Diana has dropped its midnight closing time, though it seems to become rather less noisy after the witching hour. That’ll be the time to go then. Pattaya City became Dodge City recently when a gun battle between rival firearms shop operators in Walking Street sent tourists diving for cover. A spokesman said that the incident wasn’t being treated as serious, as the only casualties were 12 Chinese tourists and based on historical precedent they were probably weren’t expecting to get out of Pattaya alive anyway. From the New Year to an old year now as we look back to Monkeywatch in January 2015… “Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.” Pattaya has got enough water to last it for the whole of this year, according to an Irrigation Department official, who added “All we have to do now is figure out how to get it off the roads and into the reservoirs.” A Cambodian chap died last week after eating some chicken pieces he’d bought from a street vendor in Jomtien. He’d just finished the last piece when he was run over by a bus.” Have a wanker? No thanks, we’ve got enough already… As a response to numerous bars banning Indians from their premises, someone suggested that the Indian clubs should ban white people. Then someone else pointed out that they did it months ago but nobody noticed. One question currently doing the rounds in Pattaya concerns whether Thai language signs are confusing to tourists. We would say not necessarily – they aren’t confusing to Thai tourists. Finally, it seems that Pattaya is now highly regarded as a top place to go for water sports lovers. Funny, we thought the bars stopped doing those sorts of shows years ago. be seeing you monkeyman

Apologies to all you petrolheads out there. The Classis Car Show isn't until February. Doh.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for the last time this year, and welcome to our special Christmas edition – which means it’s the same as all the others. Or maybe even worse. Following the recent weather, it’s been decided that Thailand’s rainy season will in future run from May to April. Perhaps Pattaya should consider a similar extension to its low season. A motorbike thief was arrested by police near Pattaya after he fell off a roof. How the hell did he get the bike up there? An Australian bloke is in police custody in Pattaya after what was described as a bizarre rampage during which he stripped naked, smashed up some cars and set fire to his house. So where’s the bizarre bit then? The first entry has already been received for next month’s Pattaya Classic Car Show… It’s been pointed out that some Thai businesses don’t seem to have grasped the concept of “buy one get one free” as they seem to think it’s okay to double the price of the one you buy. Guess it’s the same mentality as bars increasing prices because they don’t have any customers. Some call it Thaiconomics. Others just call it plain bloody barmy. And now, a cautionary tale. Customers who took their cars to a new cut-price cleaning and valeting service in East Pattaya had a little surprise when they returned to collect their vehicles, namely that the staff all had buggered off and taken the customers’ cars with them. As the old saying goes, if you take something to the cleaners, just make sure you don’t get taken to the cleaners as well. Actually it isn’t an old saying – we just made it up. There was a conversation recently about the strange things Thai girls say, and one of our favourites was “My friend me want meet my friend you.” Pick the bones out of that. A local boat by the look of it… Bar news now, so we’ll start with the reopening of Penthouse as it was accidentally omitted from last month’s edition. Electric Blue is reopening on Soi Diamond next year. And we also have Jalwa Indian A Go Go on the way, though apparently there won’t be any Indian girls working in there so it’s not really very Indian at all - except for the clientele, presumably. Police attended an incident in Walking Street the other night where a Swedish tourist claimed to have been robbed of 50,000 baht by a katoey. The officers decided that as the man was pissed as a fart he’d probably just spent the money and forgotten about it or lost it or eaten it so they left him to get on with it. Silly old bugger. Shake hands with the ghost of Christmas past now with some yuletide reminiscences from Monkeywatch in December 2014… “Ten Russians and two Thais were injured in a road crash in Jomtien early last week. When questioned by police, they all agreed that, with the benefit of hindsight, they should have hired a baht bus instead of a motorbike taxi. An Indian quality tourist was arrested by police after his hired jet-ski hit a swimmer then left the water and hit a holidaymaker sitting in a deckchair on the beach. A police spokesman said they appreciated that the episode was just an unfortunate accident and the man didn’t mean to do any harm, so the best course of action would be to “string the stinking pig up from the nearest lamp post.” Damage to the jet-ski was estimated by the owner to be around six million baht. Pattaya, along with four other cities, has been earmarked by the Tourism Ministry to be rebranded and developed as a quality destination that will be attractive to high spending tourists and families – as long as they don’t mind the shootings, muggings, drugs and prostitution, presumably. Those of us with even not so long memories will no doubt recall that this was tried a few years back and resulted in the city being swamped by hordes of ignorant, penniless, foul smelling dregs from the cesspits of Asia. Einstein reportedly once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I doubt if the Tourism Ministry would be interested in his deliberations though – they probably think he was The Beatles’ manager.” Whatever this thing used to be, it sure as hell ain’t one any more… Visitors to Pattaya have been assured that they can travel by boat to islands in the vicinity “without any risk whatsoever.” Alternatively, they could go scuba diving and visit the wrecks of the previous boats that travelled to the islands “without any risk whatsoever.” One wonders if the phrase ‘race to the bottom’ was coined by someone visiting Pattaya Bay. Following her arrest for selling goods illegally, a Pattaya street vendor said she’d been given permission to sell the goods by officials in return for bribes. When questioned, the officials said that they in turn had to bribe her to stop her going to the press. The authorities have yet to identify any culprits, prompting speculation that they may have been bribed to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. We’re not saying anything as we’ve been bribed to keep schtum. A final thought for the year. People who are fed up with the ongoing infestation of stinking pigs in Pattaya should look on the bright side. I mean, they’re not exactly going to drive prices up, are they? Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in, and welcome to another dive into the murky waters of Pattaya, metaphorically speaking. And literally speaking, come to think of it. Pattaya has been hit by flash floods yet again and it’s reported that traffic officers have been assigned to deal with the situation. Presumably when there’s gridlock on the roads the weathermen will be sent in. Police are investigating after a Pattaya mother reported that a gang of youths had assaulted her son with fireworks. It seems that the gang didn’t have a bottle to fire their rockets from so they bent her son over, pulled his trousers down and fired them out of his bum. His mother said that he shouldn’t have to stand for this sort of thing, though he’s unlikely to be sitting down for anything for some time to come. The mayor was recently spotted on Pratumnak Hill inspecting the renovation work on the famous PATTAYA CITY sign. He was believed to be pressuring workers to have the sign ready for the International Fireworks Festival, though he may have pushed them too hard, as visitors to AA PACY TITTY will no doubt testify. Probably the best way to get up Soi 3 in the weather Pattaya’s been getting lately… Well, Diwali in Pattaya passed off peacefully. At least it did until the final night when there was a mass punch-up involving groups of Indian men who were attending the event. Local authorities say they won’t tolerate this kind of stinking piggery and have vowed to identify and prosecute the offenders, after which they’ll be packed onto small boats and pointed in the direction of the south coast of England. Same old, same old. A 17 year old Thai girl had her phone rescued by the Pattaya Land Disaster Prevention Unit after she dropped it down a drain. Overkill or what? No doubt if you drop your wallet down the bog they’ll call out the National Anti-Terrorist Unit. The new mobile air quality monitoring station on Pattaya Beach has reported that the air quality in Pattaya is “good”. Let’s hope they get it mended soon. Nothing like being kept well informed… Bar news now, and we’ve got a shitload of new go go bars on the way. First up is the reopening of Champagne, though as it seems to be in a new location and under new management it’s not really reopening at all, it’s just opening. We also have Ka Boom A Go Go in Tree Town and Milk on Soi Diamond has reopened as Milk A Go Go. The old Moon Club is reopening as PH 3.9 A Go Go, which may be connected to the old Honey A Go Go as it’s interesting to note that honey has a value of 3.9 on the pH scale. Actually that’s a lie. It isn’t interesting at all. Oh, and the Rockhouse is up for sale. Never thought we’d see the day. Residents in the Thepprasit Road area have been getting all upset about huge new swathes of vegetation that have been planted in the central reservation. Its aim of reducing accidents has certainly been effective as nobody can actually cross the road any more. The current joke is “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “It didn’t, because it was on Thepprasit Road.” Never did get the hang of Thai humour. Time to take another stagger down Memory Lane as we look back at Monkeywatch in November 2014… “New Martial Law tourism directives have been issued to maintain peace and order in the Land of Smirks. To ensure good behaviour, all tourists visiting Go Go Bars must now be accompanied by a monk. Initial reaction to the ruling has been somewhat negative from bar owners and tourists, but rather more positive from monks. Suspicions that gambling dens have been operating under the noses of the boys in brown were confirmed last week when a poker school was discovered in a police officer’s moustache.” Can you see it too? Thank God for that… A Thai man has been arrested on Pattaya Beach after performing “an inappropriate act” in front of tourists. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the Gary Glitter tributes. Pattaya is to improve a public area after complaints about dangerous wildlife. A ban on tour buses should do the trick. Finally, Pattaya police arrested a man who went completely off his head the other day and went on a rampage in an incident which was apparently triggered by a bowl of rice. Anybody know where we can get some? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to yet another month, and welcome to another fertile crop of futile crap. Let’s dig in. A Thai family were injured after a pickup truck landed on top of their vehicle after falling from a bridge that was still under construction. A spokesman for the building company responsible said “With the benefit of hindsight, it might have been prudent to finish building the bridge before reopening the road.” Experts, you gotta love ‘em. Following the arrest of an Indian tourist for groping a woman on Beach Road, police have decided to charge him with the new offence of “antisocial behaviour predicated on alien cultural values.” Or as we like to call it, “stinking piggery.” It seems that yet another Walking Street go go bar has introduced a new rule requiring customers to buy at least one drink every 30 minutes or risk getting slung out onto the street. One suspects that a clue as to the thinking behind this rule may be contained somewhere in the previous story. City Hall has decided not to use this sign again following an enquiry into the incident where a drunk reported seeing a giant squid and the beach was closed for a week… A thief apprehended while buying a watch with counterfeit 1,000 baht notes claimed he was justified in his actions as the watch he was buying was also counterfeit. Police disagreed and fined him 10,000 baht. They later rearrested him after examining the notes he used to pay the fine. The Thai government has resolved to compensate over 3600 households following the recent flooding. A spokesman said that the authorities were to be applauded for their swift action in dealing with this situation and that the distribution of the 3600 buckets was already well under way. A Thai woman has been arrested after stealing a new car from a shopping mall and ramming it through the barriers. Her plea of “the voices made me do it” was accepted but as the only other occupant of the vehicle was a black cat, the pair of them have been convicted of witchcraft and are due to be burned at the stake next Tuesday afternoon. Tickets are now on sale. So why exactly does a hotel need periscopes? Are they expecting a high tide? Bar news time, and there’s a new go go called Penguin coming soon to Soi Pothole. Triangle has become the latest bar to convert from open to enclosed, so that’s one more place where we’ll now have to get off our bar stools to take a piss in the street. A Thai man arrested for stealing and sniffing a woman’s underwear told police he had a perfectly good explanation for his behaviour. When asked what it was, he replied “I’m a pervert.” Back to the back of beyond now as we recount a couple of rather long tales from Monkeywatch in October 2014… “Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”. A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary.” Local authorities are preparing to dish out harsher penalties to anyone caught playing bridge without a permit… It’s been reported that Chinese tour groups are on the decline in Pattaya but there’s been a rise in “independent Chinese tourists.” This does indeed seem to be the case as several groups with as few as 50 members have been spotted wandering around the city recently. Tourists had to be rescued from a smoke-filled bar on Soi 13/1after the premises caught fire and exploded following a suspected short circuit. As a result of this incident, the bar owner has now been arrested for breaching the smoking ban. A man has been arrested after he was caught secretly filming a 16-year old girl taking a shower. His claim that he was filming a remake of ‘Psycho’ was not accepted and he was taken behind the police station for a spot of ‘truncheon re-education.’ Finally, people visiting a park in East Pattaya were very unhappy when they were engulfed by smoke from burning leaves. However, when they realised what kind of leaves were burning they strangely became very happy and the place has now been dubbed The Million Years Stoned Park. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for taking a gander, and welcome to another sneaky peek at what’s transpired, inspired and expired in the last month. Chocks away. The Thai Navy are to create something they call an ‘underwater learning park’ by sinking some of their old ships. They should take some advice from the Koh Larn ferry as they’ve managed to sink more boats than just about anybody else. Experts have advised that the chances of another coup in Thailand are very slim, though if you had the gun barrel of a tank sticking through your front window you’d probably come to the same conclusion. A Thai landlord got into a punch up with a couple of MGBGTs (or whatever they’re called these days) after they tried to smuggle a girl into their room without paying a guest fee. So why would a pair of brown hatters want a girl in their room in the first place? Two men have been arrested after a group of Indian tourists complained to police that the luxury accommodation for 11 people that they’d booked didn’t live up to expectations… Pattaya Cricket Club have been ordered to return the trophies they brought back from the Koh Chang Beach Cricket Tournament because of a technicality – they didn’t actually take part. Police are investigating. A Thai postman had to be rescued after he was discovered at the bottom of a well in East Pattaya. A strange place to have to deliver a letter we thought, but it turned out that he’d just fallen in after getting completely pissed. Good job he wasn’t on his motorbike – oh hang on, he was. This is Thailand. Speaking of which, where else in the world would a construction company build a new road and leave an existing electricity pole standing slap bang in the middle of one of the carriageways. Well, it’s there to be seen in Najomtien, where this road is actually now in use. This one you really couldn’t make up. Pattaya is pleased to welcome another tour bus full of quality tourists… Bar news now, and Shark has expanded its premises to cover Walking Street and a large chunk of Soi Diamond. PlayGirlz is also expanding by opening a third establishment on Soi Boomerang. So not all gloom and doom for mongering then. A public transport safety campaign has been launched in Pattaya after a Chinese tourist was killed when he allegedly got off a baht bus without ringing the bell first. It’s been suggested that a further campaign highlighting the dangers of getting pissed out of your mind on rice wine might also be helpful in this respect. Don’t look back in anger as we revisit a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2014… “For food fans, the front of Royal Garden Plaza is the home of a new KFC (that’s Korean Fried Canine), so if you’re feeling a little husky you can now go and eat one. There’s also a new restaurant on Soi Buakhao called Woks and Knickers, which sounds interesting if you’re a monger but a tad racist if you’re a bit hard of hearing. An Algerian has filed a discrimination claim against an airline after he was ejected from the flight because he ‘smelled like a pair of zookeeper’s boots’. However, it’s still unclear whether the man is claiming he was discriminated against because he’s an Algerian or because he’s a stinking pig.” Pattaya police have found evidence of illegal immigrants flying in from Arabia… Floods of course cause damage to countries all over the world but where else but Thailand would you get flood damage to a waterfall? Well, it’s happened at the Thi Lo Su Waterfall in Tak Province. Not sure how you’d go about fixing it. Drying it out perhaps? Seems to be the way to cure tourists who’ve ingested excess fluids, though one suspects that water isn’t likely to be one of them. A Pattaya monk has been defrocked after being found smashed out of his skull on yabba. Not sure what vows monks in Thailand take but it doesn’t look like abstinence is anywhere on the list. And now a gardening story, Pattaya style. Two neighbours were tending to their gardens when the man complained to the woman about her barking dog, something he apparently did frequently. She didn’t take this too well so she threw a plant pot at him and knocked him off his ladder. This angered him somewhat so he went for her with a pair of pruning shears. Fortunately, she managed to defuse the situation by pulling out a gun and shooting him. Moral – if you run at a Thai woman brandishing your tool it probably won’t end well. Finally, there’s been a fit of moral outrage online after a video showing a Thai man pissing in the sea at Pattaya Beach went viral. The comments seemed to be split between people wanting him to be hanged in public and others who were blaming his behaviour on a lack of public toilets in the area. A grilled squid seller who observed the incident said he’d never seen anything like it before. Always good to have input from an expert. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to another stream of unconsciousness. Let’s go with the flow. Within the space of a few days, two South Korean tourists were found drowned off the coast of Koh Larn. No doubt the Chinese will be accusing them of cultural appropriation, having had something of a monopoly on drowning around this location, though in their case it’s usually by the ferry load. If you’re having a bit of trouble getting the old plonker to perform these days, you may be interested to know that a Thai clinic can now offer to fit you with a prosthetic penis. It seems that they insert some kind of inflatable thingy into your dick, though their advert omits to mention how the inflation of the device is actually achieved. One thinks they should clear this point up before some silly bugger has one fitted and connects it to the air line at his local garage. Now that’s an image that could stick in the mind for a long time. Pattaya City has assured visitors that it is committed to completing the construction of the 32 public restrooms at Bali Hai Pier. Some are, however, questioning the strength of this commitment as the project was originally scheduled for completion in June 2021. Best advice is to just take a piss off the end of the pier. Preparations are under way for the Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society’s outdoor production of Lawrence of Arabia… Two Thai men have been arrested for smuggling six million meth tablets into the country by concealing them in an elephant’s anus. In another story, meth use in Thailand has taken a sudden and unexpected drop. Pattaya police are investigating after a cannabis shop owner reported that someone had stolen his bong. Shortly afterwards, a Vietnamese tourist reported that someone had stolen his Dong. Now that sounds an awful lot nastier. Have you noticed that many bar girls on social media now list their profession as ‘digital creator’? So why are they doing that then? Doesn’t sound like a very accurate description of bar work. We did notice that it’s an anagram of ‘Dictatorial Reg’ so perhaps he bullied them into it. Or more likely still, perhaps he didn’t. If anybody asks you the way to the Bamboo Bar, just send them here… Bar news now, and the Pin Up family is to have a new member on Walking Street by the name of Chick A Go Go. That should keep a few eyes slanting. Soi Diamond also has a new place on the way called True Color A Go Go. Strange name. Police in Pattaya say they’re committed to clamping down on traffic light violators. Good thing too. We can do without those sorts of perverts. And saying they were given the green light is no defence. Once more we take a magic carpet ride into dreamland with a look back at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in August 2014… “As you probably know, new security measures have been put in place to by those friendly airline people keep you safer when you fly to Fun City. From now on, if customs officials find an electronic device in someone’s luggage that might be a bomb, the owner will be asked to turn it on. There you are. Feel safer now? Pawnbrokers and antique dealers in Pattaya have been issued with instructions on how to avoid selling stolen government property - stop buying it. Easier said than done according to the shops in question, though one would think it unlikely that someone trying to flog a load of drain covers and bridge rails had obtained them from a legitimate source. Armed soldiers in full combat gear were sent to a tourist beach the other Wednesday to clear away the food stalls and other vending operations, allegedly as “part of a campaign to clean up the country’s image”. Really? Not sure that the average tourist visiting Thailand for the first time and seeing a beach crawling with armed soldiers attacking beach vendors will be thinking to themselves “I’d sure like to come here again”. This new selection of vibrators is now available in all moderately disreputable Pattaya stores… A tourist was killed by a 30 storey fall from a Pattaya hotel last week. He was just walking past the hotel minding his own business when a bloke landed on him from 30 floors up. Remember, to be safe in Pattaya, always look left, right, up and down wherever you go, and just hope that there’s nobody behind you. City Hall say new infrastructure projects are to be introduced to tackle the flooding problems in the area. Sounds like they’re going to have to stump up for another bucket. And finally, police say they’ve busted up an illegal gambling racket in East Pattaya. That’s another pensioners’ bridge club buggered then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more midsummer madness in the land that time didn’t forget. Game on. Onlookers watched in amazement when a Japanese chap rammed his car into the front of a Pattaya go go bar a couple of weeks ago. Now we know that some people like to park near to their destination to avoid walking, but this guy is just plain lazy. An allegedly distraught young Israeli who went missing has been found alive and well in a forest in East Pattaya. When asked by the rescue team why he was so upset, the young Jewish lad replied “I’ve lost my pullover” (think about it.) The local authorities are quite right to be enraged by the so-called hostile labelling of Pattaya as ‘Sin City’ by a TV station. A spokesman pointed out that in the past few years the city had seen a marked increase in vertical tourism, though he did admit that this had been somewhat hampered by the recent influx of stinking pigs following the relaxation of visa rules for certain countries. Back to the drawing board, boys. Bloody Brits, always losing their phones in Pattaya… Since July 15, people from 93 countries are able to enter Thailand without a visa. Not much of an offer really. People can enter the UK without a visa or a passport and get a free 4 star hotel thrown in into the bargain. Now who could resist an offer like that? Not many, apparently. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to bring in stricter regulations regarding water sports. A bit late for that really. The go go’s stopped doing those shows years ago (unfortunately.) Pattaya is to modernise its firefighting equipment to protect the safety of its citizens and visiting tourists. The new bucket has already been ordered and is expected to arrive any day now. If you’re not a customer, go smoke your own… A quick look at bar news, and the old Sluts premises on LK Metro is reopening as the Oasis Cocktail Lounge. Sounds like they’re hoping to attract a better class of pervert. Heaven Above has a new upstairs bar called Cleo’s Hideout, which is billed as a Speakeasy and looks to be modelled on the old prohibition era places. And Soi Diamond is getting yet another go go in the shape of iDolls. Go go come, go go go. An Iranian man has been found murdered at his Pattaya restaurant. Boy, these food critics just get tougher and tougher. Remember what you thought you’d forgotten now as we revisit Monkeywatch in July 2014… “A Malaysian bloke who decided to spice up his first trip to Thailand by ordering a penis enlarger online was more than a little miffed when he opened the package and found it contained a magnifying glass. There’s been disquiet in some quarters after it was reported that a certain Walking Street Go Go bar is controversially employing ladyboy dancers. This is absolutely appalling. Some poor unsuspecting poof could go in there and end up with a girl by mistake. Drivers in Pattaya are going to find it harder to get their licences following the introduction of a new and tougher driving test in Thailand last month. Instead of the old 30 question theory test, they will now have to answer 50 questions and the pass score has been raised from 75 per cent to 90 per cent. Worse still, if they get through that they now have to drive a car as part of the test as well. Baht bus drivers will, however, be exempt from the theory bit – and the driving bit.” Leftovers from the Pattaya Spring Festival?.. While patrolling by Pattaya beach the other day, police arrested what they described as an incoherent man dressed as a monk. Well that’s just a monk isn’t it? Following the success of this year’s Pattaya marathon, a bar owner is planning to stage the first British Expats’ Marathon next month. He said it’ll be a little different from the Pattaya version, as contestants won’t have to do any running but will have to complete a gruelling course of 25 pints of lager and a chicken vindaloo. Just a standard Saturday night then. A Thai man is reported to have died in a Pattaya restaurant “under suspicious circumstances.” He obviously hadn’t eaten any of the food then. Finally, another story about a Thai man who went to rape a masseuse he’d hired but failed and stole her phone instead. It was also reported that while he was giving her a lift to his abode he turned his motorbike into a rubber plantation. Sounds like he’s better at conjuring than rape. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to another peek at the city of scaremongering without the scare. Let’s rock. Well the ever popular sport of balcony diving has gone into international overdrive in Pattaya with no less than four incidents occurring in the first week of the month. The first one to plummet was a Thai, followed by a Russian, an American and a German, who set a new record with a drop of 33 floors from a 5 star hotel. Well at least they seem to be getting a better class of jumper. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s now been a fifth and a sixth, with a South Korean taking the plunge and an unidentified woman plummeting to her doom from a Pattaya Beach condo, though she only managed 27 floors. When asked why she couldn’t be identified, a spokesman said “Well how do you identify a pool of goo?” Police arrested 21 Indians for illegal gambling after raiding premises in East Pattaya. All 21 of the miscreants denied the allegations and said the police had no right to come bursting into their hotel room without a search warrant. Hotel management removed 19 sleeping bags from the room and are said to be checking into who exactly made the booking. Ribbed for extra sensitivity?.. Bangkok Pattaya hospital recently held what was described as ‘a lively seminar’ about men’s sexual health. One chap who was particularly lively was told to put it away and leave the building. Yet another Middle Eastern restaurant in Pattaya has burned down, this time near the entrance to Walking Street. Why can’t the dissatisfied customers just give them a bad review like people do in the West? After three Chinese tourists were injured in a boat crash, authorities have ordered a review of safety measures as they want to be able to assure Chinese visitors to Thailand that they have at least a 50/50 chance of leaving the country alive. Tourists visiting Bangsaen Beach for a swim were put to flight when they discovered that the sea water had unexpectedly turned green. Well at least it’s better than the old days when the water was brown – and there was nothing unexpected about that. What do you mean, I’m putting on weight?… Bar news now, and the old Secrets premises has been resurrected once again and is now called GAY. Don’t have any more information except we’ve heard that you have to use the rear entrance to gain admission. There’s also a new Go Go opening on Soi Diamond that’s variously being described as Windmill 3, Dollhouse and Electric Blue. Whichever it is, sounds like good news. Following reports to the police, an elderly woman who seemed to be disoriented and wandering round East Pattaya was taken to the local police station where she told them she’d got lost. They kindly offered to give her a lift to her destination and when asked where she was going she replied “Helsinki.” Thoughts of days gone by now with a rewind to Monkeywatch in June 2014… “There’s been some discussion about how the Pattaya scene is being killed off by the Agency Model. Is there anything that can be done to reverse the trend? Well, all you have to do is get the bar owners to put up a united front and collectively agree not to employ these girls. So nothing can be done then Police were called to a small local village in East Pattaya after residents detained a 21 year old man who was said to have sexually assaulted a 74 year old woman in her own home. A spokesman said that the man had been questioned and was facing a charge of necrophilia with an underage woman. A Thai teenager was arrested for shoplifting in a 7-Eleven store in Central Pattaya the other Friday after he was found to have concealed a bottle of sunscreen down the front of his trousers. Appropriately, he was taken to Dongtan Police station for further questioning.” We’re not going to stand for this… It appears that, in an attempt to improve public services, Pattaya has acquired three new toilet buses. Not sure exactly how that works. Perhaps you wait for the bus to come then get in and take a piss in the back. No, that can’t be it – that’s what taxis are for. A woman has been found dead in a shopping mall fitness centre. Good advert for exercise. Always said it was no good for you. There’s yet another new tourist initiative under way called “Ignite Tourism Thailand.” Well if it’s got anything to do with setting fire to tour buses you can count us in. The mayor’s office has come up with a solution to end traffic congestion at the North Pattaya intersection. Roughly translated, it reads “Shut the bloody thing down.” And finally, the idea to impose a new Thailand tourist tax has been scrapped after the authorities decided “It wasn’t worth the effort.” Think they’ve just found themselves a new slogan. be seeing you monkeyman

Don't worry. I was pissed when I wrote it. Cheers.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to a sneaky peak at the latest high jinks in the City of Smut. Brace yourselves. The Pattaya Waterworks Department has declared that there won’t be a water shortage in Pattaya this year. Those of us who’ve spent many an hour walking through Pattaya’s entertainment areas up to our waists in water probably won’t have too much difficulty believing this. An instructor at a municipal fire station shot one of his recruits the other week after what was described as a “heated argument.” Unfortunately, the other recruits assumed that this was the thing to do so they followed the instructor’s lead and shot him as well. When asked if the man had survived, a spokesman said “Well he was shot in the head 11 times. What do you think?” It seems that Thai scientists have discovered pollution from fossil fuels in Antarctica. They presumably had to go there because they couldn’t find any in Thailand. Perhaps they’ll find some prostitutes there as well. Beach Road recently hosted a promotion called “Car Stereos for Show-offs… A Turkish kebab restaurant on Second Road was burned to the ground the other day after an explosion ripped through the kitchen. It’s rumoured that the accident occurred after one of the cooks mistook a hand grenade for a pineapple. The owner seemed to be undeterred by this little mishap and now plans to open a new restaurant on Soi 16 (Mohammed Alley.) A chappie from New Zealand was arrested last week after it was discovered that he’d overstayed his visa by six years. It seems that he’d avoided detection by only venturing out at night. He was subsequently charged with vampirism and issued with a deportation order. Just another day in paradise. The squirrel arsonists that caused several electrical fires in Walking Street a few years back have been at it again, this time in Sriracha, where one of the little buggers set fire to an electric pole by climbing up it and causing a short circuit. The fire then spread to communication cables and very nearly to surrounding properties. A spokesman said “It’ll be a good thing when all these electric cables are relocated underground so the squirrels can’t get at them.” Won’t stop the moles from having a go though, will it? A Thai artist put on a display last month entitled “Penises of The World” (the Japanese one is on the left.) Bar news time, and Champagne Club looks like it’s finally going to reopen as a music venue called Tuk Tuk Club. Turning a Go Go into a music bar really is a piss poor show, which is very nearly what was on offer in Champagne about 15 years ago. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. It’s been reported in the press that a building in Bangkok collapsed while it was being demolished. Well that’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it? Time for a bit of backpedalling now as we return to a trio of tales from the heady days of Monkeywatch in May 2014… “Well, Songkran has come round again, and it brought forth some novel events, including a ‘Drink, Dive, Duck’ party at the A-One Royal Cruise Hotel. Unfortunately, the marketing executive who devised it was stopped by police on his way back home for driving erratically and ended up attending a “Drink, Drive, Fucked” party at Pattaya Police Station. A number of people were arrested in the Siren Beer Bar Complex a couple of weeks ago after police caught them playing “Hi-Low” for money on a pool table. The police carried out the raid following a tip-off, but initially had difficulty finding these lawbreakers as they were hiding behind a group of prostitutes and drug dealers. It’s been reported that there was a drop in the number of Japanese tourists visiting Pattaya during April. This may be due to them staying home for Japan’s Annual Penis Festival on the first Sunday of last month, though attendance was said to be low as no-one could find it.” Bloody silly place to build a greenhouse… Pattaya has seen a large increase in sales of school uniforms this year. Some have attributed this to an upturn in the economy and improved job prospects, while other have put it down to rumours that Classroom A Go Go is about to make a comeback. The Mayor of Pattaya made an appearance the other day and gave a guarantee that all outstanding road works in the city would be completed by the end of the year. He then did a cartwheel, sang three choruses of “Roll Out The Barrel” and was sick in a bucket. Finally, it’s been announced that there’s to be a new sign at the entrance to Walking Street after the current one was demolished by a team of electricians who were trying to repair it. Their first repair attempt seemed to have been successful until some busybody pointed out that the sign now read “GLITTER WANKS”, and it was during their attempts to put that right that the terminal damage took place. What’s left of the sign is being put back in place until a new design is approved and a Japanese tourist has been arrested for stealing the missing letter ‘E’. So why don’t they just go back to the old sign that served the city well for so many years? It was a bloody sight better than the current hideous monstrosity that we’ve had to endure for god knows how long. Well, as they say in Thailand, “If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to our April fools edition, where the truth may be stretched a little further than normal in one or two places. Or a lot further, as the case may be. Well, Songkran all went fairly smoothly apart from one little incident when a visiting Vietnamese businessman complained to the police that a crowd of revellers just across the road had got his dong all wet. Actually, if he keeps his money in his trousers he might have been making two complaints. The government are demanding that action be taken against taxi drivers who harass tourists and charge extortionate fares. They are being supported by a group called Clean Up National Taxis (we do like an acronym) but are being opposed by the drivers themselves who say it’s an attack on Thai culture. Thai news channels have been told by the national watchdog to be more careful in the way they report stories with potentially offensive content. One channel that was criticised for a particular story pointed out that they’d put a trigger warning at the beginning of the offending piece, but were told that “This report features a man having his bollocks shot off” lacked a certain sensitivity. There was a nasty outbreak of stinking pig in Central Pattaya the other week. It seems that everyone unfortunate enough to catch this nasty disease turns a variety of gaudy colours for a few hours then makes a sudden recovery. Happy Holi-days? A group of Indian chaps trying to find a brothel were directed here by a helpful passer-by… A bit of a barney kicked off recently between an apartment block owner and a group of bar owners over noise levels in the early hours of the morning. The apartment owner said she was having to give refunds to some of the residents because of the noise from the bars. Unfortunately, the rest of the residents are now demanding refunds because of the noise from the rows between the protagonists involved in the argument. Think it’s got something to do with karma. Heard the one about the feller who took his girlfriend of two hours back to his hotel, only to find there’d been a power outage. “No power” he said to her, to which she replied “I know. You barfine my friend before and she tell me.” The large numbers of Indian tourists now coming into Thailand has led to a novel new concept – curry flavoured condoms. The trialling of these unfortunately had to be halted after an Indian fellow accidentally put on a vindaloo flavoured condom inside out and ended up having his dick incinerated. Well it was probably for the best. From the look of the air quality here, perhaps the patrons should try a bit more sip and a bit less puff (also good advice if you visit Katoeys ‘R’ Us)… Bar news now and yes, it’s finally happened, the Las Vegas Bar Complex on Soi Diana has opened its doors to the paying public. Get in quick, it probably won’t be around for very long. There was an incident in a restaurant bar the other night when the resident Italian tenor collapsed on the floor clutching his throat and turning purple halfway through a piece of light opera. The word is that somebody dropped a chilli into his mouth from the balcony in a revenge attack after he’d refused to sing ‘Baggy Trousers’ the previous evening. Funny, you’d have thought that an opera singer would’ve been able to take a song like that in his stride. All our yesterdays now with a trip back to a trilogy of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2014… “The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish. If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead. Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense.” Didn’t take the thieves long to get to work on the new outdoor showers on Beach Road… A row broke out on the beach a couple of weeks ago when a geezer demanded a refund from a deckchair vendor because leaves from the coconut trees kept landing on his head. The vendor told him he shouldn’t be so touchy as another bloke had a coconut land on his head and he didn’t say a word. Newbies to Pattaya who think they’ve found the girl of their dreams are being advised that if they catch her texting in the middle of a shag then it could possibly indicate that there may not be a sufficiently strong basis for a long-term relationship. Finally, it’s been reported that 20 Chinese tourists have survived a bus crash near Pattaya. So what happened to the other 200 then? be seeing you monkeyman

Here's Lou performing in Papagayo...

Well it's certainly possible but I won't be putting my shirt on it. I think this is at least the third opening date we've been given.

And for those who don't remember... How many Pattaya locations can you identify?