VPI78

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her six year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you fuckers who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you shitheads who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and lectured her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for four hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language." Four hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Mom heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the sprog continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As Mom began to smile, the sprog added, "For those of you who are bitching about the FOUR HOUR delay, please see the fat cunt in the kitchen."

Brrrrisk this morning in Texas; in the 30s (F) with a breeze ... a bit chilly ... some might say there's a little nip in the air.

Do you know the difference between Ironman and Iron woman? One is a super hero and the other an instruction.

A young sprog is at home when his Dad calls. ... so he picks up. "Hello?" "Hi son. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Joe." A brief pause. "But son, you haven't got an Uncle Joe." "Mommy says I do! He's with Mommy in the room, right now." Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later, the sprog comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy." "And what happened, son?" "Mommy got all scared and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!" "Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Joe?!" "Uncle Joe jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!" A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 324-5921?"

That's unfortunately a classic piece of humor; i.e., depicts real life.

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry ... I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Just got off the phone with an expert in china. He says it's not worth getting Covid-19 right now, as they're expecting Covid-20 Pro to be released in December.

A young couple is out golfing together on a weekday morning. The course is pretty empty as it's a weekday, so they are moving along pretty quickly. On the 5th hole they catch up to an older gentleman at the Tee box. Rather than just play through, the couple decide to join the man for a hole or two. After they tee off, with the older gentleman's tee shot out distancing the younger man's, the woman starts up a conversation as they walk down the fairway. "Do you always play alone?" "Oh no my dear, for thirty years, my wife and I played this course together almost every day." The young woman is touched, but also a bit curious. "Your wife doesn't play with you anymore?" ... she asked a bit tentatively, knowing there could be quite a few different explanations. "Not since she passed away." the old man said with a bit of a pause in his reply. The young man looks at his wife pleading with his eyes for her not to keep pressing this line of questions. But of course she ignores him and carries on. "Don't you have some other friends that you can golf with?" The old man quickly answers. "Oh sure, but they're all at the funeral."

Got sad news today. After 6 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

A fuel station owner in france was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' frenchy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. frenchy guessed 3, and the owner said, 'You were close. but the number was 2. Sorry, no sex this time.' A week later, frenchy, along with his friend Jacques, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The owner again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. frenchy guessed 6 this time. The owner said, 'Sorry, it was 8. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, jacques said to frenchy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' frenchy replied, 'No it's genuine enough jacques; my wife won twice last week.

At the Smithsonian Art Gallery in DC, a french couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The woke female curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered her assessment. She went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” she pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.” After the curator left, a man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied. ”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three West Virginia coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A worried husband calls the police: Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!" Sheriff: "Height?" Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sheriff: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sheriff: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown, maybe blue. Not sure." Sheriff: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." Sheriff: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my truck." Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?" Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting." At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"