VPI78

A first time Pattaya tourist saw an elderly guy in a vest with his bar fine ordering a takeaway value meal at McDonald's in Central Festival and then wobble over to New Plaza where he ordered a happy hour 50 Baht Leo. He had noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup at Mickey's. As he watched, the Vest carefully divided a hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half the Leo into the extra cup and set that in front of his bar fine. The Vest then began to eat, and his bar fine sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The tourist decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another Leo and some gai yang from a nearby grill for them so that they didn't have to split their meal. The Vest said, "Oh no. We've been friends for ten years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The tourist then asked the bar fine if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A man was speaking to God. "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked. God said: "I did that to make you love them". Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?" God said: "I did that to make you love them". The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?" God said: "I did that to make them love you!"

Two old men finally retire ... They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in all the best bars their town had to offer. Finally they decide to cap their night off with a trip to their local brothel. They approach the brothel stumbling through the front doors up to the concierge at the front desk. "Two of your finest broads please! The concierge notices the state of the two men and instructs his lackey to just put 2 blow up dolls in their room, they wouldn't know the difference ... the two men proceed upstairs and have their way with the two blow up dolls. On their walk home they start discussing their evening with their two lovely ladies ... "You know, I think my girl was dead..." one exclaims. "DEAD???" the other reacts in shock. "Yeah, she just kind of laid there and took it ..." "You know, that makes me think that mine was a **witch**" the other replies. "A WITCH, what makes you say that?" "Well while I was loving her, you know I gave her a bite on the neck and she farted and flew out of the window."

A blonde ran into a police station wailing. She claimed that she had been raped. After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested her for a description of the rapist. "He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and helmet." "Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman. "Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer." "What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer. "No sir," she replied, "he just didn't stay in very long."

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap. A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap." A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian. The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?" The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts." "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians'

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you that your baby is black. The new mom says "Well I was in desperate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black." The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of her business. Mom didn't seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. Mom says "They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and I needed the money." The nurse brings Mom her sprog and as she turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled "What the hell are you doing?" Mom looks the nurse square in the eyes and says "I wanted to make sure it didn't bark too."

One day 3 women went for a job interview ... the man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits.

A guy goes to a sex therapist and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The therapist advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail. "You see, doctor" begins the wife, "for the past seven months, I am forced to take a cab to work. Since I don't have enough money to pay for the fare, when the cab driver asks 'So, are you gonna pay or what?' I am forced to choose the 'or what?' As a result, I come in late to work. When the boss asks me 'Shall I deduct the missed time from your paycheck or what?' once again I choose 'or what?' At the end of the day, I take the cab home and it's the same story with the driver, and again, I choose 'or what?' So tell me doctor, how am I supposed to fuck my husband after all of this? The therapist thinks for a moment and then says. "Hmm, interesting case indeed. So, shall I tell your husband everything you told me just now, or what?"

A math professor, John is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

A ringmaster runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The ringmaster tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Blondie says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The ringmasters jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."