VPI78

A chav is a sat at a pub when this really camp, tearoom queen walks in. He sits next to the chav and has a few drinks. A little later on when he's a bit drunk he leans to the chav and whispers " how about a blowjob?", the chav goes mad and starts hitting him over the head with his stool and drags him outside. The chav then comes back in and starts drinking his pint again. The barman asks, "I see you in here everyday and you never act like that. What did he say to make you so angry?", The chav replies "Dunno something about a job."

A beautiful young woman very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Have you never seen a naked woman?" "Yes, many times!" the bartender replies. "Then why are you staring? the woman asks." "I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for your beer!"

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for five dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The french are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen".

Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." - Jay Leno

Someone once told me that 90% of jokes world-wide are the same, just alter the names. I know in Texas that is true; Aggies v. Horns, wetbacks v. gringos, crackers v. sambos, yadda, yadda, yadda.

4 Year-Old's First Paycheck Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her; let her sit with them, while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew, building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."

Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety. I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me, said Obama. Just name it, and it's yours! I want a ride on Air Force One, said the first boy. You've got it!, said Obama. I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school, said the second boy. No problem!, said Obama. The third boy thought for a moment, and said; I want a wheelchair. But why would you want that?, asked Obama. Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!

BTW RT; if you're into burgers ... give Arno's a try. There's several of them these days but the original one off Naradhiwat is the bees knees, especially for steaks as it is also a butcher.

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."

A farmer came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So the farmer dragged the other man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. The farmer secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The other man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to ... to ... cut it off, are you?" The farmer said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

At an army training camp in Florida, the Sargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the Sargent's penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the Sargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. "Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Sargent. A Private put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me! she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers. You're right!" she said. I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind. That's a good idea," the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

An Everton fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Liverpool supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Liverpool jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a Priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the Priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The Priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Liverpool supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the Priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Liverpool supporter." That's OK, replied the Priest "I got him with the door."

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest. I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The Rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Priest. The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu... Well, he had to go back to China.

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation." The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up, you old bitch, I said I want to join this fucking congregation.' Secretary responds, 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him of her situation. The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to listen to such profanity. They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' There is no fucking problem, the man says. I just won £200 million in the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking synagogue to get rid of some of this fucking money. I see,' said the rabbi ... and this cunt is giving you a hard time?

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a french poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

A drunken Jew goes across the bar and breaks a Chinaman's nose. The Chinaman asks "What was that for?" The Jew responds "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "Pearl Harbor," responds the Chinaman "That wasn't Chinese that was Japanese!" The Jew retorts "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, you're all the same to me." Later the Chinaman busts the Jew in the mouth. The Jew asks why, the response is "for the Titanic." Jew replies "Titanic, that was an iceberg" Chinaman retorts "Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg......"

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"