VPI78

About to be executed, a mexican, a cuban, and a puerto rican man stand in front of a SWAT team. They then decide to distract the SWAT team in order to escape. The cuban man was the first that was going to be executed. He says,"Mira! Mira! Un Huracan!!" The SWAT team turns around and the cuban man escapes. Next, was the puerto rican. He then says, "Mira! Un Tornado". The SWAT team turn and the puerto rican escapes. Last, was the mexican. He says, "Mira!! Fuego", and the SWAT team kills him.

Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind their relatives about its harsh conditions. Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. It wasn't obvious how much phone charges would be so they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. The American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then the Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on the basis that Italy is less wealthy than the US. Finally the Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complain that the Iraqi was being treated preferentially to which the Devil answered; "Your calls were international and the Iraqi's call was local."

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Q. What's about six inches long, has a big head, and women can't get enough of? A. The new hundred dollar bill

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Texas? A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

This abrasive little chinese guy goes into a bar where a white guy is bartending. He says "Hey honky how bout a gin & tonky?" The white guy smirks a little and says "Okay." The little chinese man slams it and says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?" And the white man not amused gives it to him and he chugs it. Then the little chinese man says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?" The white bartender says, "Okay look here you little skeet dumb muthafucka LAST ONE." The little china man replies "Why?" The white bartender says, "Because I don't like the way you speak to me.... how would you like it if I spoke to you that way? The Chinese guy thinks about it for a second and says "Okay (as he gets behind the bar, signalling the bartender to the other side)" The white guy pretends to walk into the bar and says to the china man, "Hey slope how bout a drink?" And the china man says, "Sorry we don't serve honkys."

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

Did you hear the one about this man from West Virginia who came home and found his wife packing her bags? When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I'm leaving you! I just found out that you were a pedophile!" The man responded, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."

A priest decides to go for a walk downtown. He ends up in a bad hood and gets approached by a hooker. She asks him " hey father, want a bj ... twenty bucks?" The priest gets flustered and heads back to the church. He sees a nun and asks her "Sister, what's a Bj?" She replies "twenty bucks, same as downtown."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

So Adam is sitting around the garden of Eden one day talking to God and he tells him that he's lonely. He thinks the garden is wonderful and the animals are great too but he needs a companion. God tells Adam he can create the most wonderful, beautiful creature in the world. She will love him, care for him and do everything he asks of her. Adam says "Great! what do I have to do?" God says it'll cost you an arm and a leg. Adam says "What can I get for a rib?

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started.

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde). They were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

A frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” “France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”

A man runs into a bar. Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!” So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds. “Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep. “You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man. “Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep. “Only twelve cents.”

That solves a mystery of why my willie seems to be shrinking.

Buen suerte. Sounds like the only thing you didn't have in the plumbing faults was a hydrocele. One day a few friends were sitting in Windmill and a couple of the service providers came over to one mate oohing and ahing and offered to inspect him in the hong nahm. I couldn't resist and asked him what that was all about. He gave me the run down and offered me an opportunity to inspect 555. I passed and went to Dr. Google later and learned that apparently with a hydrocele you can have one testicle sac 4x the size of the other. Doc G says you can live with that or have surgery and that it may be related to a hernia.

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks” To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”