VPI78

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Three cousins went hunting in the woods. The first cousin came back with a stag. His cousins asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied., "Well, I find stag tracks, I follow stag tracks, and BANG, I shoot stag!" A few nights later, the second cousin went hunting. He brought back a hare. His cousins asked him, "How did you kill it?" He replied, "Well, I find hare tracks, I follow hare tracks, and BANG, I shoot hare!" A few days later, the third cousin, a blonde, went hunting. He came back with a broken arm, in a wheelchair, and bloody and bruised. His cousins asked, "What happened to you?" He replied, "Well, I find train tracks, I follow train tracks, and BANG, train hit me!"

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Bruce Banner to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Bruce Banner said Betty Ross was ill and he had to look after her. A little disappointed, Superman called Iron Man to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Iron Man told him he had a date with Black Widow. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder woman's apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said "Did you hear anything?" "NO"! said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge ... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded ... "God ... that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!" The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

Two Russian immigrants talk about their former country: "You know, since we left, the regime has relaxed. The government even organized a contest of the best political joke." "That's good, and what is the first price?" asks the other. "10 years in prison!"

There is a massive traffic jam on the M5. Nothing is moving. All a driver can do is relax and turn on the radio. Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?" Terrorists have kidnapped parliament and are asking for a 10 million pound ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies "About a gallon or so."

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000. "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed. "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up." "But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple. "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply. "In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man. "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!" "If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

I've got a good friend who married a Doctor. One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making". Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an MD. "Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied.

Hopefully they use the stylus attachment

Now the digital prostate exam makes some sense.

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Robin replies, " I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?" "Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Newark, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former chinese prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the blackberries, I need some blackberries right now!" The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your blackberries from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in blueberries. " She replies "There is no Fuc in blackberries?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"

Farmer saw a man scooping water into his mouth from a stream. "Don't drink that. My cows piss and shit in it." "Could you speak slowly? I'm from pakistan and I don't speak English well", said the paki. "I said, you'd do better if you used both hands."

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex."

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. Arthur responds ... if you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

It was udderly embarrassing.