VPI78

One day two best friends Tommy and Bobby were walking down the forest when suddenly a large cobra jumped on Tommy's leg and bit his dick. Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor, "Quick Quick I need your help; my friend got bit by a cobra on his penis." The doctor told him "Son you're gonna have to suck the venom out yourself." Bobby asked, "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom." The doctor says; "Sorry there's nothing we can do." So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Tommy says with pain; "So what did the doctor say?" Bob says; "Doc said you're gonna die."

A Redneck walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He asks the bartender why is there a donkey in here and the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So BillyBob whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the BB turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked BB how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? BillyBob said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, then I showed him.

An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?" "I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions." "What?" "Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do." "Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperately for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared. The Englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support "Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver." The Scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart." And then the rather mentally challenged Irishman said, "I support Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he's a coach for the Liverpool football team.'

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a bar or hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too.

Tommy is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right" to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Samsung written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break. "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps". He says, "does it look like I have HomePro written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar! So Tommy goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As Tommy walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, Tommy sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, Tommy notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", Tommy asks, "How did all this get fixed?" "She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". Tommy said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" she replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zipper and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zipper a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zipper a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies. The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man`s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It`s not a porch. It's a Mercedes."

Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out ipods. So they knocked on this guy's door and said trick or treat. The guy asked them what they were dressed as? The little girl said "Jack n Jill" The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill you're black" So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal" The guy says "You can't be Hansel n Gretal you're. black" So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later. This time they were naked. The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says "M&M's, I'm plain and he got nuts."

Puerto Rican rapper Lloyd Banks was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. Lloyd said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

Although it's a little different in the countryside these days in the US; not by much. It's still common in my part of Texas to get your first rifle before a bicycle; drive a tractor well before a car, and then it's much more likely to be a pickup. It's similar for me in the Thai countryside; i.e., if you only watch MSM, or monitor city type media you might assume most Thais are taxi drivers, bargirls, or subsistence farmers. Like anywhere else there seems to be a more or less silent majority who want mostly to be left to themselves and when change does occur it is very slow.

Radio Interview Note: This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. Woman Radio Host: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." Woman Radio Host: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." Woman Radio Host: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" General Reinwald: "I don't see how, "We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm." Woman Radio Host: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

Sort of a version of an optimist/pessimist and a half full glass of water. They bring in an engineer to break the tie who tells them ... the glass is the wrong size.

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "What would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."