DAYS IN THE LIFE OF A PATTAYA HOTEL OWNER

[alexist 12]

Hi Kevin...and just so you don't think that shit only happens to you. On saturday night after a slightly heavy post xmas get together I was walking a girl home and she decided to take a short cut. After about twenty yards down a lane I had never been before and in an area I did not know the girl on my arm suddenly left me.

In my drunken stupor I was immediately worried about how I was going to return to the party I had just left to perhaps find another girl who would not run off in such a selfish way. However fairly quickly the mists of smirnoff cleared and with the assistance of a well placed whimper from below me I soon realised that retrieving my date from the rather large hole she had fallen into would have to take priority.

Please don't let this scare you off our night out when I arrive and keep saving the beer tokens

LESS THAN SIX MONTHS NOW!!!!

Alex

[cookie 1]

Alexist - good story and I trust your date was not too badly hurt by her fall!! beer tokens being saved - I am squirriling away some savings every week from the money Mrs Boss gives me. After only 10 weeks I already have 8 baht!!

[cookie 1]

Newsflash – As a prelude to this latest episode I have some news for you. Having been buoyed by the many positive comments about the Diary on this and other forums and encouraged by a few friends and acquaintances I decided to send these articles to a Book Publishing house in Bangkok. After a few weeks of waiting, sending information and waiting some more I was stunned to receive a positive response last week saying that they want to publish the Diary as a book. I had never expected them to say yes and have spent the last few days in shock as well as being paralysed with fear - can you imagine my acute embarrassment if this comes out as a book and nobody buys it?

 

Anyway, I now have to do some hard work and write the account of my life here in Thailand from late 2004 when I arrived – I am already up to March 2005 so progressing, albeit slowly and painfully. I have already learnt that writing the historical accounts are much more difficult than simply relating the tales of events fresh to the mind as I have been doing these past few months.

 

The publishers originally indicated that I should not continue to write the stories on the Pattaya forums; however, after a recent meeting with them in Bangkok they have agreed that I may continue to post a selection of the latest events as they unfold. I am delighted with this agreement as were it not for these forums and the responses I have received then there would be no talk of a book – it is you I have to thank for getting me this far.

 

It is beyond strange to think that I may become a published author as a result of my response to the only negative review we have ever received on the hotel - Mightyone I may well now owe you more than one beer!!!!

 

So thanks guys, your support thus far has been greatly appreciated especially here on Pattaya Talk where it all started and I will keep you posted on how the book is shaping up.

 

Issue 12……..

 

I have often thought how similar life running an hotel is to the hit British television show of the 1970’s ‘Fawlty Towers’ starring the superb John Cleese as the manic hotel proprietor Basil Fawlty and his rather feisty golf playing wife Sybil, the awesome Prunella Scales. The proprietors were ably (?) assisted by the chambermaid/waitress/receptionist/general dogs-body Polly (the American actress Connie Booth who co-wrote the series with Cleese and was married to him at the time) and added to the mix was and the Spanish waiter, Manuel, played by Andrew Sachs, whose English speaking skills were only marginally more limited than his skills in the restaurant.

 

There were only a dozen Fawlty Towers episodes over two series and despite it being some 30 years old it remains as funny today as it was at the time although for me now, it all appears rather apposite. Prior to my venture into the hotel industry here at Jasmine Mansion I watched the Videos or DVD’s or re-runs and would often cower in my chair with embarrassment as Basil lurched from one disaster to another. I would cringe at the way he spoke to guests being either plain rude or fawning to them simply because they were rich or titled people. Basil could never get it right and Sybil was always on hand to point out the error of his ways. Sybil also wore the trousers in the relationship and Basil was genuinely afraid of her, although here he was not alone. Workmen and staff were also aware that one lash from Sybil’s tongue could send a grown man flying from one side of the room to the other. I recall in one episode Sybil saying to Basil “If I find out you have been gambling you know what will happen?” to which Basil replied “Yes, but you will have to sow them back on first dear”, this rather accurately paints the picture of their relationship.

 

OK so why am I writing a review on a sitcom from the 1970’s? Well firstly to give some background to those of you who do not know the show but, more pertinently, to tell you I now view it from a different perspective to the point where I often feel as though I am starring in the modern day re-make!! I have some staff who resemble Polly in that they will do anything and everything one throws at them. I have and have had, however, rather more employees who in one way or the other resemble the hapless Manuel. My wife, the dear Mrs. Boss has never seen Fawlty Towers yet appears to imitate Sybil in almost every characteristic. OK Mrs. Boss does not play golf – and of that I am eternally grateful and I will explain this in more detail in a minute. However, the real clincher is that not only do a number of our guests also resemble those from the show but the similarity of incidents is rather scary.

 

One episode was based around an elderly woman who claimed she had some money stolen from her room. The lady concerned was rather bombastic; she was deaf and did not turn on her hearing aid “it wears out the batteries” and she just refused to listen. Well at 02:30 the other day I was pitched right into this particular episode. A customer had checked in that afternoon and as with many an incoming guest he was tired after a long flight. He followed the normal routine of taking a shower, getting changed and then heading out to the bars. He returned in the early hours, rather worse for wear which the combination of alcohol and sleep deprivation will produce, and headed to his room. A few minutes later he was down at reception shouting, swearing and calling the receptionist all the names he could think of. He was alleging someone had been to his room, opened his safe and stolen B36,000 whilst he was out. The receptionist immediately called Mrs. Boss which understandably had the effect of waking us both. I was a meter away from the phone but I could still hear the customers raised voice and rich use of the English language.

 

After waking ourselves sufficiently Mrs. Boss readied herself to dash off to the hotel whilst I told the receptionist to go with the customer to his room to double check everything he was saying about the incident. I told Mrs. Boss to wait a few minutes until the receptionist called back and we sat trying desperately not to fall back to sleep after first flushing the mobile phone down the toilet. The call came back “OK boss no problem, customer find money”. My first feeling was just one of relief – any form of theft from a customer’s room is my worst fear from a business perspective and from his safe – well how on earth do you recover from that? As I sighed and thought of nothing but returning to my slumber I enquired “What do you mean it is all OK – how is the money there now when it was missing 10 minutes ago?” Well what it transpired had occurred was that said guest put his money in the safe before going out but obviously did not close and lock the door. On returning to his room he noticed the safe door was open and wildly leapt to the conclusion he had been robbed – he did not bother to check inside the safe!! Now I know most of my staff are crackers but none of them are safe crackers of that I am certain!! Profuse apologies followed and the next morning said customer wandered in and out of the hotel very embarrassed and unable to look any of us in the eye. I spoke to him, told him not to worry and all was well. However, this is another case of the delights of running an hotel and how real life here so closely resembles my favourite television comedy.

 

Perhaps someone will find this book a good basis for a movie with Fawlty Towers relocated from its original setting of Torquay in south west England to the rather more boisterous city of Pattaya. I can see John Cleese playing yours truly having been divorced by Sybil and hauling all of his hang ups here to the Land of Smiles. He meets and marries a wonderful Thai lady with whom he opens up a small hotel in Pattaya – my suggestion is that the role of Mrs. Boss be played by Lucy Liu!!

 

Now a few minutes ago I was talking about the fact that Mrs. Boss does not play golf. Well, the only times I have witnessed her wielding a golf club was during a few days holiday we enjoyed together in Phuket some three years ago. I had been granted permission to holiday alone in Hua Hin in the good old days when holidaying meant ME going away as opposed to being host to those who have the nerve to go and enjoy themselves. My trip to Hua Hin was in order to learn how to play golf – this was at the time when my naivety led me to believe life in Thailand was going to be taking the form of semi retirement and days wandering around golf courses would be the norm.

 

Our hotel in Phuket had its own driving range which, full of my enthusiasm for this new found pastime, I decided to avail myself of. One morning Mrs. Boss thought to join me as I belted one out of every ten shots somewhere off the mat and in the general direction I was aiming. The range supervisor was quick to spot my dear wife and showed her how to hold the club and hit the ball – he stood back for attempt number 1 and I stopped to watch, ready to laugh I must admit!! Thwack! The ball went straight as a dye and smashed the net at the end of the range. Beginners luck. Ball number two was placed and thwack again, the same result as the first shot. Thwack, thwack, thwack followed and feelings of golfing inadequacy engulfed me as she achieved with no tuition whosoever what I had failed to do after a weeks worth of paid for lessons!! She hit fifty shots and I swear over 45 of them were of the ‘thwack’ variety. I gathered myself and remembered my place and said “Wow darling, you are a natural; that was fantastic”. I then wished the ground would have opened up and swallowed me whole as she replied “Yes this is fun but I am standing the wrong way round, do they have the sticks for me to play left handed?” The supervisor duly dusted off some left handed woods and irons as she then made ‘thwack’ seem ordinary and belted the cover out of every ball placed in her path to the sound of ‘ping’. She practiced a few bunker shots, already well beyond me, and simply lobbed the ball onto the practice green every time as I simply created an even bigger crater than the one I was originally placed within. Mrs. Boss went off every day for a few hours to try out putting, chipping, driving and so forth whilst I contented myself to being a golf widow and laying on the sun lounger by the pool having been beaten into submission!

[alexist 12]

Welcome back Cookie, I thought someone had stolen your keyboard. Good luck on your writing venture!

 

[Kev 178]

Hey Cookie,

 

OK the first the book, then the TV series, then the block buster movie, then the WORLD.

 

Na seriously good luck and don't forget to give us the details of the book when it becomes available.

 

Cheers Kev

[Odense 490]

Does Mrs. Boss give Golf lessons ?

Edited January 27, 2007 by Odense

[cookie 1]

Does Mrs. Boss give Golf lessons ?

 

No, but if she did they would probably be the best golf lessons in the world!!

[growler 0]

" I admire a woman with spirit " O'Reilly to Sybil before she began to belt the s..t out of him with her umbrella.

[cookie 1]

ISSUE 13……

 

First of all let me update you with progress on my soon to be published book – I still cannot quite believe this is going to happen but will enjoy the feeling nonetheless!! I am now up over 50,000 words so only another 10,000 to reach my target and this should be done in the next couple of weeks. I imagine by the time I have finished I will be at 70,000 words which will give me some flexibility when I proof read and edit everything.

 

I am planning a trip to Nong Khai to sit overlooking the Mekong whilst I do the editing as I will need some peace, quiet and calm which is not easily found here in Pattaya. Although my home is in a peaceful area it is inhabited by my three children and their friends so working there is also a non starter.

 

All in all I believe I am on course to meet my own deadline of having everything done to hand over to the publishers by end March – then it is down to them.

 

Sometimes I sit in the hotel finding myself wishing for some minor disaster to occur so that I can write another story! I have started to loathe these days of normality where everyone behaves impeccably and all of our guests are absolutely charming. Perhaps news of my reports had filtered through to the outside world and the likely suspects no longer favour my establishment for fear of their sins being exposed!!

 

It is therefore rather ironic that as I should be having these thoughts one of our contractors decides to jolt me back to reality by endeavouring to blow up the hotel. No he was not planning sticks of dynamite around the building – although he may as well have been. In fact his job was one not normally associated with demolition – he was a sign fitter.

 

Having set up our WiFi connection we decided to commission a new neon sign for the café advertising the WiFi availability for our customers. The sign was duly delivered, it looked excellent and Mrs. Boss explained clearly to the fitter where the sign was to be placed. As is usual here the contractor nodded his complete understanding and Mrs. Boss and I departed for Sriratcha where my eldest son was performing in a school production that evening. Actually the truth is that my son had told us he was in a school production that day, however, he had made a mistake and it was in fact five days later! I think it best that I do not bother you with the way Mrs. Boss reacted having just driven to Sriratcha and knowing she had to do the same trip the next day to pick him up from school, two days later to return him to school and then again two days after that for the actual day of the production. I will just give you the rather obvious fact that Mrs. Boss was not a happy woman!!

 

We returned from Sriratcha and, fortunately, decided to pay a quick visit to the hotel rather than heading directly home. As we approached the new sign looked, from a hundred meters away, rather splendid and Mrs. Boss and I glanced at each other and nodded our agreement. However, as we neared the hotel we noticed little sparks emanating from the vicinity of the new sign that were rather a worrying and unnecessary additional touch. As we reached the hotel and stood by the sign it became glaringly, in several senses of the word, obvious that yet again a Thai descendant of Fred Karno had been at work.

 

The electric cable from the sign was a staggering 20 centimeters long when a cable of at least 3 meters was always going to be the minimum length required. In order to fix the shortage of cable an extension block and extension cable had been attached rather more poorly than one would expect from a blind man who was drunk and had lost the use of all limbs. This extension block and the cabling either side hung limply below the sign no doubt just waiting for a drop of rain to hit the exposed wires and set off some magical display! This, however, was only the minor problem. The sign had been erected on the main electricity junction box pole bringing the supply into the hotel. It had been positioned in such a way that it nestled comfortably next to the supply cables causing the sparks to fly that we had seen only moments before. Now as if this was not bad enough upon closer and rather circumspect inspection we noticed that our main power supply box was hanging a tad more limply than would be proper. The reason for this being that these dunderheads had removed the bolts that held the junction box to the pillar and used them to hold up the sign!!!! In all reality it is highly unlikely that Al-Queda’s top operatives could have devised a more certain way of destroying a building.

 

This complete botch of a job was not only a serious danger to passing pedestrians and vehicles but also very likely to start a major fire thus burning the hotel to the ground whilst incinerating our guests. Now whilst I will freely admit that the idea of incinerating guests is sometimes one that I take pleasure in contemplating, although usually it only applies to the odd one every now and again, it is certainly not relevant to any we have staying with us at the present time.

 

Mrs. Boss was her usual masterful self and launched into yet another one of her now famous tirades of abuse at the contractors. It is usually at this point that humble apologies follow from whoever is on the receiving end of Mrs. Boss’s vented spleen and a chain of events starts that leads to the eventual successful conclusion of the work as ordered. It was therefore rather a surprise to me that the contractors proceeded to argue the case for the defence when a simple guilty plea was really the only way out – a plea of insanity would, of course, also have been acceptable and highly appropriate. They even shouted at Mrs. Boss and I was at this point sure blood, theirs, was soon going to be spilled and probably enough of it would splatter over the exposed wires causing the incineration programme to commence. They even told her what they had done was safe telling her “We should know we have been doing this type of work for years” a fact already known to Mrs. Boss who had these two brothers for several years. Mrs. Boss, rather than shouting even louder or reaching for a heavy object, spoke calmly albeit her voice was cold and her eyes piercing. “If you actually knew what you were doing then you would not have only one working arm” she said to one brother and to the other “you would not have only one working leg”. She added “and if you do not do remove this sign and its lame excuse for wiring this instant then replace the bolts into the supply box you will no longer have the use of your remaining working limbs”. Fortunately this was enough and the message permeated there brains. They duly carried out the tasks as requested and departed with the sign.

 

Mrs. Boss spoke to these contractors the next day to have them come to the hotel to collect the drawing we had done for them showing the type of frame necessary to hold the sign and keep it far enough away from the supply box for safety purposes. They stopped by and suggested that their may be an extra charge but the look on Mrs. Boss’s face was enough for them to quickly tell us that in the circumstances this would be waived. At least they were learning!

 

The following day my mood was not permitted to improve much as we had a series of minor problems. Now these problems in isolation were as nothing compared to the fiasco with the new sign of previous days. However, a series of relatively minor irritations soon build up to become a bloody great rash and one finds oneself being pulled in so many different direction your life takes on a remarkable resemblance to that of a rag doll in the mouth of a Rottweiler who is in a rather bad temper. This always appears to be the case in life doesn’t it? There you are going along without so much as a care in the world when you do not just hit a bump but a series of them all in one go.

 

I had spent the morning unblocking sinks and toilets of which several appeared to have become blocked at the simultaneously. I suppose I should have seen this as an omen or portent of things to follow but I did not. The sink blockages were shortly followed by several calls to the reception desk by guests complaining of no water. Now this was a complete mystery to me as, upon investigation, the water pump appeared to be working fine and the hotel water tanks full to capacity. Our regular maintenance man arrived later than I had hoped but immediately set about the task of identifying the problem and getting the water supply back on to the rooms.

 

Now I am the first person to understand the considerable inconvenience a lack of water is to a guest of the hotel. As it is my hotel I am very apologetic and I explain the situation and what we are doing to remedy the problem to those that ask. I also put up a sign on the main door to the guest areas and a notice was delivered to all rooms explaining the situation and what action we were taking. However, I was not in a position to give anyone a cast iron guarantee of when the problem would be resolved as I did not know its nature thus how long it would take to remedy.

 

I am only human, there is only so much explaining and apologising a man can do. It is therefore unlikely that anyone would be able to maintain even a modicum of civility when one guest asks the same bloody question “When will the water be back on?” every ten minutes. He called me from his room phone several times before changing tack and coming downstairs at ten minute intervals with the kind of regularity that you could set your clock by and always to ask the same question. This was despite my having promised him most faithfully that I would let him know immediately I had any information and, of course, I apologised more times than could be considered good for my health. He became more and more agitated with each appearance as every sinew in me strained wanting to simply tell him to “Fuck Off” – I was prepared to help him pack his cases; drive him to another hotel and return every baht he had ever paid me – I was sick to death of him. Of course, I managed to control myself although it was undoubtedly clear from my tone and the curtness of my responses that I was tiring of his incessant intrusions.

 

Now the maintenance man was at work, there were tools all over the floor and the café was full. It was then I heard a customer saying “This is cold” in reference to a plate of Chilli and Rice he had just recently been presented with. My main cook was on a day off, legitimately this time, and her assistant was in charge of the cooking. Unfortunately heating up Chilli had so far not formed part of her basic training and straight out of the fridge onto a plate it went! More bloody apologies issued forth from my lips and, of course, the meal was provided free of charge. I did tell the cook the Chilli was not hot when returning it to the kitchen but she confused this with the relative spiciness and simply chopped up a few chillis and mixed them into the food on the plate! Exasperated I produced another bowl of chilli and duly heated it whilst hoping that she was quite clear of what action was required in the future. The now steaming Chilli plate was served to the customer with me again required to offer my humble apologies.

 

Having resolved the Chilli situation I returned to see how our maintenance man. As I approached he uttered what I presume the Thai for “oops” is and pointed towards the downstairs gentlemen’s toilet. “Oops” did not quite do justice to the scene as I opened the door to see water gushing up and over the top of the w.c. and shooting out of pipes as if there were no tomorrow – at this moment I was quite convinced there was actually not going to be a tomorrow and was rather happy with that thought!

 

Just as the bathroom Tsunami subsided and several staff members were paddling around with mops and buckets I was beckoned by one of my receptionists.

 

“Boss, man check out loom three zero one forget to give back key and new customer ready to check in”.

 

Great, absolutely bloody fantastic.

 

“Well just use the spare key for now” I suggested rather bemused at why the receptionist had not thought of this herself.

 

“Cannot”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Room Maid have spare key for loom”

 

“Well for goodness sake just get the room maid to bring the key down here now” my patience already long since departed I was now shouting. The ramifications of shouting at members of staff quickly came back to my mind. I backtracked. “Sorry, it has been a bad afternoon. Would you please ask one of the room maids to kindly return the spare key to reception?”

 

“Cannot”

 

“For pity’s sake why can’t you” I was now imploring, I actually wanted to cave her head in with an iron bar but settled instead to implore.

 

“Room maid leave spare key in loom, lock the door”

 

Now it is the room maid’s head that is in grave danger of having another cranial cavity added to it and I am so rattled by the events of the last couple of hours that any clarity of thought is well beyond me. I know we have a third set of keys but where they are I know not. Mrs. Boss has been away from the hotel for the period of this series of minor disasters so I have to call her. My mood was not at all improved by her telling me the keys were in her office the key to which was in her bag and her bag was with her and she was in Rayong! Why she was in Rayong I had no idea, she told me she was going to see one her friends who, as far as I knew, still lived only a few hundred meters up the road. I was, however, not in the mood and did not have the time to discuss why she was fifty kilometers away from where I had imagined.

 

So now what are we going to do now? I for once do not have the faintest idea of how to remedy this situation. It is surely the time just to give up! However, before I drew what should have been my final breath I remembered that here is a locksmith’s stall just along the street. I sent one of the staff down there as quickly as possible to get him to come in and change the lock.

 

The locksmith did his job in no time at all and, in fact, finished approximately fifteen seconds before the room maid guilty of leaving the key in the room walks up to me smiling and tells me with pride “Boss I find key, I not leave in loom, was in my pocket”

 

I just stood and stared, I smiled back “Thank you” I said and as I took the key. I was a beaten man.

 

A couple of hours passed as the water supply was restored; the flooded bathroom was cleared up; nobody else had been served cold Chilli; Mrs. Boss was back from her trip to a temple in Rayong with her friend and the hotel had returned to relative normality. I decided I deserved a beer and took a Heineken and sat down outside to relax and simply undertake my favourite pastime of watching the world pass by. As I glanced around I saw a gentleman sitting at one of our other outside tables.

 

“Are you OK? Is there anything I can get for you?” I enquired

 

“Well yes actually I was just wondering if you knew when my room would be ready”

 

“I will check for you sir, what room would that be”

 

“401”

 

We had left the guy sitting around for over two hours after solving the key problem and nobody had thought to mention to him that he could go to his room!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED……

[Skallagrim 0]

ISSUE 13……

 

 

Sometimes I sit in the hotel finding myself wishing for some minor disaster to occur so that I can write another story!

 

Don't worry, in just two short weeks I will be checking in. I suggest you sharpen your pencil already now, and make sure your notebook has plenty of pages left in it.

 

Anyway, I think I will just stay inside all of this trip. This could be the most entertaining hotel stay I have ever had.

 

Maybe I could get some of you other guys to just deliver a girl for me, that way I woudl not have to leave this house of fun at all!!

[alexist 12]

The locksmith did his job in no time at all and, in fact, finished approximately fifteen seconds before the room maid guilty of leaving the key in the room walks up to me smiling and tells me with pride “Boss I find key, I not leave in loom, was in my pocket”

 

I just stood and stared, I smiled back “Thank you” I said and as I took the key. I was a beaten man.

 

LOL

[sinbinjack 251]

Continue immediatly Cookie or at least let us know when the book is to be published ,as I have never laughed so much at anothers misfortune as I have at yours and mrs bosses

[cookie 1]

14th March, 2007

 

I have not had the chance to regale you with my tales of misfortune over the last month or so but there have been some very good reasons for this. The past month has been something of a ‘Curates Egg’ which I suppose rather typifies life here in what people refer to as LOS. I believe this should actually be LOSG – Land of Smoke and Glass. Nothing is ever as it seems here is it? If you holiday here then you never really understand what is going on below the surface and believe me, that is for the best. For those of us here permanently we see more than sometimes we wish but we are still very much in the dark about many of the machinations that are constantly underway.

 

From the business perspective life has been good, very good in fact. February was even busier than January with our occupancy at around 98%. March is even better if you can believe that? This past month we have had only one room vacant for one night and the next couple of weeks look likely to remain the same. Although our advance bookings for April are rather disappointing at the present time May, June and July are already booked to higher occupancy levels than we recorded for those months last year. I owe a thank you to the Pattaya forums for helping our business continue its successful path. I am now able to extract statistics on what brings our customers here and approximately 25% first learn about Jasmine Mansion from the forums. With around 75% of our bookings being from returning guests or recommendations from previous guests we are presently not reliant in any way upon walk-in business.

 

Our Café has really started to gain a good reputation and the number of customers is increasing regularly. Some mornings we actually have customers standing and waiting for a table to become available. This rather surprises me as I did not realise so many people got up before midday in Pattaya!

 

On the book front I have made some progress. The book itself was finished in late February since which time I have been undertaking the proof reading and editing. This is a slow and arduous task and one that requires a level of concentration I find hard to muster. I knew that this would not be an easy job, however, it is proving to be significantly more difficult than I had ever imagined. As you may recall from previous reports I had planned a visit to Nong Khai to undertake the proof reading. This has unfortunately had to be put on hold as my mother-in-law has been taken ill requiring Mrs. Boss to go up to Udonthani for an indefinite period. I am therefore plodding, rather than ploughing, ahead!!

 

I have always maintained that the fun of life is the never knowing what is round the next corner. You can simply round the bend and find yourself standing there holding a winning lottery ticket. Alternatively you can traverse a corner only to find yourself unable to get out of the path of a speeding ten ton truck that is destined to splatter you all over the sidewalk. My recent corner turning, suffice to say, did not see me holding the winning lottery ticket!

 

There are a lot of things here that you have to accept regardless of how much they may irk you. This is Thailand and there are different rules to life here and, well, one either ‘puts up and shuts up’ or one gets on a plane and goes home. Despite knowing this there are the occasional incidents which serve to drive you mad with rage and frustration and such was the incident that occurred at the hotel last week.

 

During the day two Thai gentlemen came into the hotel to use our internet facilities. Although I thought this a little strange, as Thai people tend to use the many cheaper establishments around, I paid little attention. Mrs. Boss and I were just about to go out to visit our lawyers regarding a property transaction we are presently involved with so other things were on our minds. We carried out our business with the lawyer and then went on a provision buying trip for the hotel which lasted several hours. Everything takes that much longer to do at the moment as we have the boys in tow. It is the school holidays so they are around all day every day for the next two months. I love my children with all my heart but trying to run a business, write a book and amuse them at the same time is rather stressful!

 

After our shopping trip Mrs. Boss took us home and I was left to look after the boys whilst she returned to the hotel. Minutes before her arrival the hotel was full of plain clothed and uniformed police officers. They were shouting at everyone to stand still whilst they removed one of our computers and its accessories. They claimed we had been downloading illegal music and arrested our receptionist whom they forcefully bundled into a car. The appeared not at all concerned there were several farang witnesses to their excessive use of force.

 

Upon learning what had transpired Mrs. Boss immediately returned to her car to drive to the police station. However, before she reached her intended destination, she was involved in an accident being hit by a car exiting a side road without looking to see if there was any oncoming traffic! Mrs. Boss had to wait around for over an hour whilst the traffic police and insurance representatives visited the scene and made reports before she could continue on to the police station. When she arrived she was immediately arrested and our receptionist was released. After refusing to pay the fifty thousand baht claimed Mrs. Boss was promptly thrown into a cell. I understand from a neighbour, who had been arrested for the same alleged crime, that Mrs. Boss did not go quietly and stood firm footed in the centre of the police station pointing at the assembled officers and telling them “You are all filthy animals. You are the scum of Thailand. Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future”. I doubt those police officers involved took the threat as seriously as they should. It is likely they do not know that this is the woman who predicted the Tsunami destroying Phuket twelve months to the day before it struck!

 

Mrs. Boss spent the night in the cells and was none too happy! She did manage to negotiate a reduction in the fine to fifteen thousand baht before eventually securing her release. When she returned to the hotel we replayed our lobby area CCTV coverage and clearly saw the gentlemen who visited us the previous afternoon inserting a disc into one of our computers. The same two gentlemen were also seen on the CCTV footage that recorded the evening raid on our premises. It became clear to us that they had loaded whatever it was they claimed to be illegal themselves, hence they knew exactly which computer to take away with them that evening. Mrs. Boss now headed back to the police station and demanded the return of our computer. It will probably not surprise any of you to learn that not only was there no computer but there was also no record of any incident involving our hotel or her arrest!

 

It is the frustration that accompanies this incident that has affected me more than anything. Of course I do not want to give away fifteen thousand baht plus a computer but losing these is not the end of the world. The real problem is simply not being able to do anything about it. I have just got to accept this as part of life in Thailand where those whose duty it is to serve and protect are only here to serve and protect their own interests.

 

Earlier today I was sent an article by a friend, who was a guest here at the time of this incident, from ‘Pattaya People’ which reported a similar incident at a South Pattaya phone shop the day following our experience. The article had several photographs accompanying it that the brave shop owner took, clearly visible in these pictures are all of those involved in our incident. If I were that shop owner I would be inclined to leave town rather quickly and assume a new identity! The article did bring a smile to my face when it informed that an anonymous source had identified the men in the pictures as genuine police officers and that the matter was being investigated by the local police. The fact is that these guys are police officers from Bangkok and the local police collude with them, and share the spoils. Any investigation is going to be nothing more than them all sitting around a table, drinking beer, counting their cash and laughing their heads off.

 

Through this incident we lost a good receptionist. The lady arrested was traumatised by her experience and has decided to leave Pattaya. I cannot say I blame her and will confess to having had the same thought myself over the last week. I will, however, simply content myself with my belief in fate and knowledge that very often ‘what goes around comes around’ or, as Mrs. Boss would put it, ‘Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future.’ Actually we also have a few irons in the fire that are slightly more proactive than waiting for fate to lend a hand but it is better for all of us if I keep these to myself.

 

So, as you can now see for yourselves, a ‘Curates Egg’ of a month. However, despite recent events I remain positive and fully expect to meet myself around the next corner clutching the winning lottery ticket. No doubt though, in the excitement, I will lose concentration and get hit by yet another ten ton truck!

 

Finally, I ask for your patience as I try to undertake the many tasks that are on my presently rather full plate. I intend to keep writing the diary articles despite the book having been completed. These tales were originally only ever intended for the forums and the book has just been a spin off from them. Alas, you cannot get rid of me so easily.

 

TO BE CONTINUED………….

[don_dadda 0]

as always a pleasure reading your thread and adventures, misadventure on this one.

 

Mrs. Boss is correct those who deserve it will get it in the end..hopefully an elephant shits on their head

 

Keep up the good work

[Skallagrim 0]

Not even a honorable mention...hmph!

 

Anyway, looking froward to return for another stay in your hotel Cookie. And Mrs. Boss is only half as scary as Cookie portrays her to be

[ben99 0]

Thanks Kevin - very interesting.

 

I'm shocked that this can happen - it goes beyond a traffic cop claiming you've been speeding and having to pay 500 baht..........this is serious.

 

All very well for you to shrug your shoulders concerning the 15000 fine + computer.........but what if it happens again.......or another scam? How many of these incidents can a business soak up?

 

I simply cannot beleive they can get away with it................I mean you have the CCTV..............surely you can nail these dishonest criminals?

 

This is another step up from bar owner/policeman tea money.......this is like a state sponsored mafia extortion racket.

 

I'm really gutted this has happened to you.............if they wanna rip off Westerners, one can understand that........but treating your own it that way............well it's just not cricket, is it?

 

I can't believe they can get away with it? Is this the start of more of the same?

 

Gives LOS a bad name and although I'd still visit............I'm now even more wary/cynical of everything/everyone.............my guard will be up all the time.

 

DTA - Don't Trust Anyone

Edited March 16, 2007 by ben99

[sinbinjack 251]

I am sorry to hear of your problems with the little men in brown ,and can understand the stress that these kind of incidents cause you ,but I find your writing style lets all the harsh bits fall to the side and I just cant help laughing at what should not be laughed at.please keep it up .

[Hermi 0]

I have always maintained that the fun of life is the never knowing what is round the next corner.

 

Thanks Kevin ... to be honest - things you're writing about are those things which keep me in the tourism industry ... love to read your experiences - keep it up

furthermore good speed

[cookie 1]

19th March, 2007

 

If ever there was a place to push you to the limits, a place that could snap you like a twig, then that place is surely Pattaya. There are times when I wonder why I put myself through this and whether the certain heart attack is really worth having. This is one such time and the last week or two have been like living in hell on earth. This analogy is further enhanced by virtue of the fact that that hell is probably one or two degrees cooler than Pattaya at the present time.

 

Why is it that the Thai people cannot simply tell the truth? I am aware that to some level they say things they think you want to hear rather than what may be more unpalatable facts. However, this cannot be the only explanation and sometimes it appears as though they feel they have a divine right to lie. Recent examples of this truth avoidance are now provided for your delectation as follows:

 

A few weeks ago one room maid requested a day off. We had to decline as we already had staff away, we explained this to her. As usual her request for a day off was made thirty seconds before she headed home for the night. This is despite us regularly telling every member of staff to give us much notice as possible in order to avoid such a situation, of course, they do not listen. The following morning she did not show up for work, which was much as I had expected. Later in the day she telephoned a colleague to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident.

 

Two days after this a receptionist failed to arrive for work and again a colleague received a telephone call to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident. The exact same story was then put forward by another member of staff shortly after that and by yet another the day after that. I received the fifth “I cannot come to work as I have to go and see my sister who has been involved in a motorcycle accident” excuse yesterday. I suppose I am angrier at the complete lack of any ingenuity rather than these pathetic lies themselves plus the fact they must think Mrs. Boss and I are soft in the head.

 

In future when interviewing prospective employees my first question will be “Do you have a sister”. If I should receive an affirmative response I will ask “Can you please tell me the future dates she is going to be involved in a motorcycle accident in order that I can factor them into the staff roster!!”

 

Example number two comes from our taxi company, who to be fair are normally very reliable. Today they let us down having got the days of a mini-bus collection to take six guests back to the airport mixed up. After calling them they advised the mini-bus would be with us in fifteen minutes. After twenty minutes they told us the driver was in Soi Baukaow and was therefore only a minute or two away. A further five minutes later they said he was still in Soi Baukaow but stuck in traffic. I ventured outside and the limited traffic on the soi was flowing freely, this was not a market day. Now, thirty minutes after the appointed time, I called again and was told he was outside the hotel. “I am outside the fucking hotel and unless I have some form of mini-bus blindness he is not here” I responded. Another fifteen minutes passed and still no mini-bus and still they were adamant he was here. I enquired as to whether perhaps the driver had been involved in an accident with a group of female motorcyclists all of whom had relatives working at Jasmine Mansion. My cynical remark, of course, meant nothing to the taxi company.

 

A further five minutes went by and although my guests were relaxed, having given themselves more than ample time to make their flight, I was like a coiled spring and a bloody hot one at that. “Will somebody, just one person out of the sixty million or so inhabitants of this bloody country, just tell the fucking truth for once, please? Now where is the fucking mini-bus?’ I barked at the owner of the taxi company. “He coming, he coming” was the reply. Another ten minutes passed before the mini-bus arrived, a full one hour late. I was so close to taking a baseball bat to the driver’s head when he got out of the mini-bus wearing one of those typical big stupid grins across his face!

 

The third and final example really tops everything. We were busy early Sunday morning for breakfast with our hotel guests and non-residents who had come in to watch the Australian Grand Prix. In the middle of this the cook advised me that we had run out of gas for the stove and that she had also forgotten to order a spare. Actually what she said was “I asked Mrs. Boss to order gas yesterday but she must have forgotten’. This was another ridiculous lie as three days earlier Mrs. Boss had gone to Udonthani and therefore could not have been asked to get gas, or anything else for that matter. We telephoned the gas suppliers, also usually reliable, but received no answer. I asked the reception staff and cook to keep trying continuously until the received an answer. After an hour or so the gas company answered the phone and took our order. They advised that they would be able to deliver some gas in about six hour’s time, compared to the usual five minutes it takes, and that we were very lucky. Now why do you think it is that we have to consider ourselves fortunate? Well this is the actual reason given:

 

“On the third week of every month all gas suppliers in Thailand are closed”

 

You really do not need me to tell you what I said to that as I am sure you can all too easily guess?

 

My present joyous mood was further enhanced last night. I went to bed at around midnight. I am presently staying at the hotel whilst Mrs. Boss is away. I managed to fall asleep just after one in the morning. An hour later I was awoken by our night receptionist to advise he could not find the keys to one of the guest rooms. I asked if he had looked everywhere and he assured me a thorough search had been conducted but to no avail. I dressed and went downstairs. I sat at the reception counter and started checking the key boxes to make sure this key had not been placed in the wrong holder. I then asked the night receptionist if he had checked the spare key box used by the room maids. He was adamant he had checked this along with everywhere else. I picked up the spare key box and there, right on top, were the ‘missing’ keys. I went back to bed. I ignored his “Sorry boss”. I managed to get back to sleep at five in the morning. Two hours and thirty minutes later my alarm clock woke me. Oh what a joyous place this is to work!!

 

I imagine many of you think that I either make these stories up or considerably exaggerate the truth. If you do then let me tell you nothing is further from the truth. I have two friends who have both recently taken over businesses here. One friend has been running his business for a month and employs one Thai person. The other has been running his cafe since the beginning of the year and he has two Thai staff. Both of these friends have been in to see me in the last twenty four hours on the verge of quitting. They have both told me that I am guilty of considerably understating the problems faced running a business here and in dealing with Thai employees. I know I should feel sorry for them but, in truth, all I can think is how good it is to know this shit is not just happening to me!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED…………..

Edited March 19, 2007 by cookie

[don_dadda 0]

Two days after this a receptionist failed to arrive for work and again a colleague received a telephone call to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident. The exact same story was then put forward by another member of staff shortly after that and by yet another the day after that. I received the fifth “I cannot come to work as I have to go and see my sister who has been involved in a motorcycle accident” excuse yesterday.

 

maybe all your employees sisters are involved in a motorbike gang and had a mass accident : :

 

As usual great to read your misadventures...hope it gets better

[Skallagrim 0]

Relax, I'll be there in just 3 weeks to drive you insane with last minute requests and looking confused.

[Kev 178]

Hey Cookie,

 

Got this off Pattaya City News, sounds like the gents who paid you a visit. Hey at least they will now most likely be disciplined.

 

Our News is Always New LATEST NEWS

 

Saturday 10th March 2007

 

Angry Shop owner and the Copyright Police raid caught on tape.

 

An interesting story now from the Dum Phone Shop in South Pattaya. The owner of the shop is Khun Pichai aged 37 who called in journalists to his shop at 10.30pm on Friday regarding an incident which occurred on Wednesday Night at his shop which was caught on tape. He explained that a group of 6 armed men claiming to be Police Officers working in the Copyright Department entered his shop and demanded to inspect his laptop.

Khun Pichai correctly asked the men for their Police Identification Badges and a search warrant issued by the court. Both failed to materialize which aroused suspicion. The 6 men were not polite and one of the men was even carrying his firearm in his hand as if he was either about to use it or was prepared to threaten the shop owner with the weapon. Khun Pichai decided to film the men and gave us a copy of the tape. The men were clearly not happy with the filming and initially demanded the filming to cease. The brave shop owner stated that this was his shop and he was fully within his rights to take the pictures.

Eventually the men decided to leave the shop without checking the laptop despite them wanting to take the man and his computer to Pattaya Police Station for further investigation. Khun Pichai made a police report of the incident on Friday Night and officers at Pattaya Police Station promised to investigate this matter. We have had it confirmed from an anonymous source that the group are genuine Police Officers who will now most likely be disciplined.

We advise all business operators watching this program to not panic if confronted by so-called Copyright Police. Firstly, check their Police ID cards and then demand they produce a search warrant. If neither are produced call the emergency Police number 191 and refuse access to any computer until the local Police arrive.

[cookie 1]

Kev, thanks for that but it was the article I referred to in my post related to that story. What is pertinent is that the matter is to be investigated by the 'local police'. This is the same as someone going to trial and being allowed to pick 12 friends to be their jury! These guys work in tandem with the local police otherwise the scam would not work and they share the proceeds. Also, as I said earlier, I would not fancy being the underwriter on the shop owners Life assurance although I admire his bravery in the face of these guys. Nothing will happen to the guilty officers, nothing ever does!

[dotcom_OD 0]

Cookie, I enjoy the posts and antics of your staff and people who you come into contact with at your guesthouse.

 

I want to share two memorable incidents this month in Pattaya.

I hired a car and driver for a day to visit the temples in Bangkok with two sisters. This driver stayed with me from the morning till evening time returning to Pattaya. He drove very poorly on the highway to Bangkok and found out later he does not own a car~!!!.

He parked at Wat Pho and Siam Square leaving the car in neutral and pulling the handbrake. I reminded him that the parking brake is only for the rear wheels and leaving it in neutral could find his car parked somewhere else when we returned. He did not believe me, and left the car in that manner~!!!

 

Upon returning to Pattaya, I dropped off one sister at the salon at Royal Garden Plaza and took the other one with me to Big C shopping. The driver told me he would grab a bite to eat and will be back shortly. I reminded him that the store at Royal Garden Plaza closes at 10:00PM and I wanted him back in time to pick up the other sister. This was at 8:45 PM when he dropped us off at Big C.

 

I walk out to the parking lot of Big C at 9:50PM looking for the car and driver. He was nowhere to be found. The girl with me calls his cell phone and asks where he is as we have to return to RGP immediately. He replies, I am eating and will be finished in 10 minutes, she takes this as alright and tells me so.

I was livid, and called him back to get his thai arse back immediately, drop everything now and return. Ten minutes later, he is still not back. I call again and he tells me, there is a lot of traffic, even when I can see the 2nd road and side streets to Big C to be devoid of such traffic.

I jump on a songthao and tell him to forget the car altogether.

He comes running to my hotel over 30 minutes later even after picking up the other sister and going back to my hotel.

 

I refuse to even listen to his story and excuses. My good thai friend tells me, he went to Sukhumvit road to find a cheap eatery as the restaurants at Big C are expensive. I respond to my thai friend that at the cost of a liter of gas going and a liter of gas coming back to Big C, he must have spent at least 50-60 baht more plus the cost of his meal. Did he save that much by going all the way to Sukhumvit???

Thai reasoning is so warped they do not understand logic~!!!

 

Cookie I have always dreamed about opening a small business in Pattaya. With my experiences in the last couple of years, I think this is a dream after all~!!!

[curly 0]

Dear Cookie,

 

How about seting up a comercial tour of your kingdom aimed at the many readers of your diary. I know you are a busy man, so I will be pleased to produce the thing for lets say 60 % of the gate? Well, we can get to that later.

 

I see the tour starting out in the kitchen with you running around trying to fill orders after cook has called in sick with a lame lie. You will then every few minutes be presented with different problems: guest money stolen, keys locked in room and later found in maids pocket, staff requesting to go to hospital to visit relatives and so on. In case action slows down or members of the tour group look bored Tuk will appear and tell you she is eating khowphad.

 

After that tour goes to room and you cover the bathroom in paint.

 

Lunch. Cold chilli will be served while new sign is placed above restaurant in the most incompetent manner. Sparks must fly.

 

Mrs. Boss makes her first appearance and verbally corrects everybody.

 

Van takes tour group to private residence.

 

Mrs. Boss hits the hell out of a few golf ball first right the left handed.

 

You show group the concrete covered garden with the small mountains of dried dirt. Tour finishes at the part of garden where big hole was created and later covered by order of Mrs. Boss.

 

Keep in mind this is just a rough first draft, but I think it could be a moneymaker.

 

I will be in town next month - lets talk

 

Curly