Quick One Liner Jokes

[Swami 0]

What do you call a Las Vegas style vibrator?

 

 

 

 

A slotmachine!

 

Next!

[Swami 0]

How does a hillbilly girl know that her mother is having her period?

 

 

 

 

 

 

When her brother's dick tastes funny.

 

 

Next!!

[Swami 0]

What happens when you play a country record backwards?

 

 

 

 

 

You get your girl back, your dog comes back to life and your truck runs better than ever!

 

 

 

Next!

 

(feel free to add your own jokes...)

[BIGJIMMY 0]

What do you call a fish with no eye??

 

 

 

Fsh (make a fis sound)

[Bushcraft 2,579]

What have a short-sighted gynaecologist and a hunting dog got in common?

A damp nose

 

What's the word for staying faithful to the same woman for years and years?

Monotony

 

A Brit joke: How do you know when your Liverpool girl ís having an orgasm?

She drops her chips

 

What do you do if your boiler explodes?

Buy her a bunch of flowers

 

Why do female skydivers wear tampons?

So they don't whistle on the way down

[digavich 0]

Papillon says to his girlfriend "you never tell me when you cum"

She replies "you're never there!"

[joekicker 53]

"Got any ID?" asks the Alabama state trooper. Replies the redneck pick-up driver:

 

"'bout what?"

[Bulaian 0]

Then there's the Doctor that performed circumcisions for free...

 

 

 

... he only took tips.

[Swami 0]

What do you call a girl with one leg?

 

Peggy

 

or

 

Eileen

[Swami 0]

(George Carlin joke)

 

How do you know when a moth is farting?

 

 

 

 

 

It flies straight for a couple seconds.

 

Next!

[FatherMojo 2]

I gotta dig out my old Henny Youngman cassette tapes.

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

 

 

 

FatherMojo

[soi unwise 6]

Bloke # 1- What times the bus due ?

Bloke # 2- Dunno you big nosed cunt.

[mbiggs 1]

Two big fat blokes having a beer in the bar, one says to the other

 

"Your round"

 

The other guy says

 

"So are you"

 

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

 

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"

 

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Edited May 21, 2007 by mbiggs

[Sailfast 503]

A Buddhist Monk, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

 

The Bartender takes a long look at them and then asks:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Edited May 21, 2007 by Sailfast

[The_Dandy 0]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

 

"I can't get hard yet! I just got laid."

[blessed.soul 0]

• Advice of a dentist: Treat your girl friend like a toothbrush. Dont let anybody else use it and get a new one every 3 months!

 

• Q: What is common between a girl's legs n Amul butter?

Both are delicious when spread.

 

• Doctors have discovered that most single women can't fart. Apparently, they don't have an asshole until they get married to one.

 

• What's the difference between a thin prostitute and a counterfeit note?

One is a phony buck and the other is a boney fuck.

 

• A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said: I bet you can't tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

 

The wife thought for a few moments, then said: Your penis is bigger than your brother's.

 

• Q: What is the definition of innocence?

A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

 

• Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand?

A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

 

• When God made me, He asked, "Great Memory or Giant Penis?". I cant remember what I said.

 

• Marriage: Where you have to keep paying for sex long after you had it.

 

[joekicker 53]

Had a car crash this morning. I rear ended a car. Fella got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

[nohlsson1 19]

Q: Why do lawyers and prostitutes not have sex?

A: Because there would be a argument on who would charge!

 

 

Q: What is an Aussie Kiss?

A: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under

 

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops

Edited June 1, 2007 by nohlsson1

[nohlsson1 19]

Women are Beautiful, Intelligent, Truthful, Charming, Helpful, Encouraging and Sincere.

In short they are B.I.T.C.H.E.S

 

Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?

A: A penis...even a thought can raise it.

 

 

Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common ?

A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

[Bushcraft 2,579]

Doctor phones his patient: I have some bad news and some worse news.

Give me the bad news first.

Your test results show me that you have just 24 hours to live.

What's the worse news?

I forgot to phone you yesterday.

[Swami 0]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

 

Red paint!

[pattaya_mad 208]

what do you call a boomarang that doesn`t come back?

 

A stick

[Ergodyne 19]

What's brown and sticky ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick.

[short 215]

"Got any ID?" asks the Alabama state trooper. Replies the redneck pick-up driver:

 

"'bout what?"

 

 

What is the mating call in Alabama?

 

"I've got a job."

[Bushcraft 2,579]

What's the difference between a vagina and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out