Colonoscopy

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of bovine excreta and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies . . .

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . .'

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

 

10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

And the VERY best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[nkped 1,208]

You were lucky if the prep did not include an enema. A real joy if you have to do it for yourself. Strictly speaking you probably did not sleep through it. Rather you just don't remember and because quality drugs are a wonderful thing, don't give rat's ass what he was doing.

 

I actually remember the latter part of both of mine. I remember looking at the video monitor, knowing what that cave on screen really was and thinking "This is kinda neat." Like I said, quality drugs.

[shamasdog 1]

Thanks for bringing back the fond memories.

 

The panic runs to the crapper. The panic when the gut let out that little eek then the dam burst. Putting a folded town inside my shorts and praying that it would be enough if I accidently farted in my sleep. Never sleeping for fear of farting.

 

I was the first patient of the day, 8am I was on the table in the room. Wearing my nifty gown that is open to the world you have just passed. I get to see the hose that is going to go up Ole Muddy, It's 2 meters long, black and way tooo big around. I taped a standard piece of paper to the cheek of Ole Muddy, a large red stop sign with STOP, EXIT ONLY in bold letters written on it. The nurse never came to the back side so the doc was the first to see it, LOL. She had given me a injection via a drip line. She told me it would help me relax. Doc came in, I'm still wide awake and chatting away. I get another injection. Since I'm a long term Recreational Drug Therapy Subject mild stuff doesn't effect me much. I got 3 more injections then he told her to give me something different.

 

I told the doc I ain't no fag and have no real thrills of having that black hose rammed up the ole pooter but unless you have some serious knockout shit, the stuff you're using is a waste of t i m e e e e e.

 

I still have the full page of 16 color pics. Show them as often as I can, usually at dinner with friends.

 

Oh what fond memories.

 

Shamas O'Dognast

Gourmet Catering and

Septic Tank Cleaning

Edited April 17, 2010 by shamasdog

[bibzo 7]

I to have seen up my own ass.

All lady boy loves should be maid to see where there sticking there dicks,

you may change your ways

[mbrucie 0]

AAAAAHHH memories.

 

The preparation is the worst part, especially as you cannot eat and people are cooking bacon sandwiches.

 

Yes the smock that buttons up the back is true. The drugs are pumped in by IV, hell I could have had my legs cut off with a chain saw, and not cared.

 

Was awake throughout, the polyps registered in the screen in yellow. The doctor made a game out of it and we zapped 18 of the buggers.

 

Did not hurt at all.

[Hedonist 0]

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of bovine excreta and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies . . .

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . .'

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

 

10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

And the VERY best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

Jesus Pal. You killed me, I am hurting all over from laughter.

[MM 6,562]

Jesus Pal. You killed me, I am hurting all over from laughter.

 

Thanks for bumping this one. I got a good laugh rereading it.

[ttk 236]

There are actually two procedures that are commonly used.

A Sigmoidoscopy is the minimally invasive examination of the large intestine that only looks at the the last part of the colon. If you were awake, this is probably what you had.

A Colonoscopy covers the whole path...what people I know call the "fantastic voyage" for this you would be knocked out.

[sinbinjack 251]

Hi MGOW,It must be different in the USA when I had mine in the UK they gave me no drugs.I was left to sweat out every single minute as well as get to watch him nuke a few polyps along the way.It was at the end relaxing, to let fly the lagest amount of wind, since the 1988 hurricane, in southern England.

[Grandpollo 366]

Strictly speaking you probably did not sleep through it. Rather you just don't remember and because quality drugs are a wonderful thing, don't give rat's ass what he was doing.

 

You can't sleep during this type of procedure (or dental with IV sedation) as you would have to be intubated on a respirator. And for many procedures conscious sedation calls for you to be able to respond to commands, which you can't if fully sedated.

 

The drugs they use principally Propofol (adminstered somewhat more responsibly than Michael Jackson) and Versed and Fentanyl. The first two give you anteretrogade amnesia which means you remember the anethesiologist putting in the IV then nothing. All three drugs have very short half-lives measured in minutes so when they are done, they turn off the tap and you come out of it pretty quick.