Monkeywatch - December 2014

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, Jingle Balls to one and all, and welcome to a selection of festive faux pas from Fun City.

Fire Units were summoned to South Pattaya the other Monday after a water purification store caught fire, allegedly causing a million baht’s worth of damage to the premises and stock. This raised a number of questions, like the stock is water, so how could it be damaged? And why didn’t the water put out the fire? Anyway, the owner put on a brave face, saying that at least the remaining water was now pure as it had been boiled by the fire. Typical Thai. When all seems lost, play the mindless optimism card.

Following the recent flood pump fiasco, Pattaya officials consulted an expert who told them that the only effective solution to the city’s perennial flooding problem is to install bigger drainage pipes. However, they were concerned that this could be prohibitively expensive, so they’ve decided to implement a variation on the plan. They’re going to replace the baht buses with jet skis.

 

An Australian teacher was taught a lesson after he invited a couple of pay as you go girlfriends for pizza and beer prior to a session of horizontal bonding. It seems that when the hapless digger went out the back to splash his boots, his beer was spiked with alcohol and he was dragged back to his room and robbed. Strangely, although his money was stolen, a single 20 baht note was left next to his bed. Suppose it must have been a tip. Bet he gets more than 50 lines from the Headmaster when he goes back to school. Silly bugger.

 

This is Pattaya’s signature dish. You can get it just about anywhere…

 

 

And now, a multicultural tale. A Chinese TV presenter holidaying in Pattaya made a report to the police after her Korean made smartphone was allegedly stolen by a Burmese pancake vendor. The vendor initially denied the charge but decided to reconsider his plea when the phone was found concealed on a shelf in his cart. Checks revealed him to be an illegal immigrant and he is expected to be deported to Guantanamo Bay shortly, along with the TV presenter and the food cart. And the phone? It’s probably already on ebay.

 

Ten Russians and two Thais were injured in a road crash in Jomtien early last week. When questioned by police, they all agreed that, with the benefit of hindsight, they should have hired a baht bus instead of a motorbike taxi.

An elderly fellow didn’t get his happy ending when he died from natural causes while having a massage at a place on Soi Buakhao. Still, he’s one bloke who could truly be described as a die hard.

 

People who turned up on Beach Road for a concert by The Police were somewhat surprised when they were confronted by this. Not quite what they expected and definitely a sting – or not, depending on how you look at it…

 

Time for bar news, and music lovers will be no doubt be revelling in the reopening of The Blues Factory, complete with Lam Morrison. Rhino Club has reverted to being a Go Go and has also reverted to being closed, presumably as a result of the little ‘visit’ they had the other evening. Tiger A Go Go has reopened but work on Skyfall seems to have stalled. The Cave has opened on LK Metro, continuing the trend started by Spicy Girls of reviving old bar names then reviving old bar girls to work in them.

 

Officials visited a funfair on Naklua Road the other Wednesday after reports that gambling was taking place on the site. No gambling games were found, but a stall at which customers were throwing darts at balloons was closed down as it was deemed to be a form of gambling. The stall owner, a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, said he didn’t realise this was illegal and he felt a bit of a prick, which was later confirmed when a stray dart was found to be lodged in his left buttock.

 

With all the hullabaloo about drugs being imported into Thailand, you might be surprised to hear that someone’s just been busted for sending drugs OUT of the country. A Russian bloke was arrested in Pattaya last Tuesday for buying steroids from a Thai dealer and exporting them to Russia. Bet they wouldn’t have been so keen to catch him if he’d been exporting yabba. Still, the Russian’s going to be deported, so some good’s come out of it.

A major excavating operation swung into action on Beach Road last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht down a drain…

 

 

An Indian quality tourist was arrested by police after his hired jet-ski hit a swimmer then left the water and hit a holidaymaker sitting in a deckchair on the beach. A police spokesman said they appreciated that the episode was just an unfortunate accident and the man didn’t mean to do any harm, so the best course of action would be to “string the stinking pig up from the nearest lamp post.” Damage to the jet-ski was estimated by the owner to be around six million baht.

 

A female student called the police last Monday to report that she’d been sexually assaulted by a man in the Plu Ta Luang area the previous Friday night. When asked why it took her so long to report the crime, she told police she didn’t realise she’d been sexually assaulted until she discovered the man had given her forged banknotes.

 

Pattaya, along with four other cities, has been earmarked by the Tourism Ministry to be rebranded and developed as a quality destination that will be attractive to high spending tourists and families – as long as they don’t mind the shootings, muggings, drugs and prostitution, presumably. Those of us with even not so long memories will no doubt recall that this was tried a few years back and resulted in the city being swamped by hordes of ignorant, penniless, foul smelling dregs from the cesspits of Asia. Einstein reportedly once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I doubt if the Tourism Ministry would be interested in his deliberations though – they probably think he was The Beatles’ manager.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Billions]

Excellente!

[yorta2]

Made my day!

[tallguy]

Cheers another excellent read.

However, I think it's worth pointing out that The Cave on Soi LK is not a go go. It's a single unit shophouse beer bar. It does have a live band but doesn't seem to have a lot of seating. When I have walked past it looks full with about 10 people in it.

Edited December 10, 2014 by tallguy

[teelack]

Thanks as usual for the update of the goings on in Sin City and a Christmas and New Year wish that you keep on going.

[DrPat]

As always, excellent work!

 

Best wishes for Christmas and the various New Years in January, February, April, etc.

[Nightrider]

Nice one as per usual monkey.................