Monkeywatch - August 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more Tales of the Expected. Game on.

The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres.

 

A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16.

 

Speaking of sausage vendors, two ladyboys are being sought by police after a Russian tour guide alleged they slashed him with a knife after he caught them nicking money and electronic gadgets from his hotel room following a spot of rumpo. Police told him they’d got better things to do than investigate complaints from dipshit commie benders but a low priority investigation is nonetheless believed to be under way.

 

This was apparently spotted by a tourist in Pattaya. Wonder where he got the paint from?

 

 

In preparation for the rainy season, Pattaya officials are heading up a community project to alleviate some of the problems and have already assisted in the clearing of a 500 metre drain pipe that was blocked with garbage, used condoms, dead Russians and that kind of stuff. They also tried a practice flood clearance using community workers with buckets but this was abandoned after it was noticed that the participants were emptying their full buckets down the drains.

 

Police are looking for a Thai bloke after he allegedly stole 50,000 baht from a North Pattaya food vendor. 50,000 baht? Christ, his food must be bloody expensive.

 

The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards.

 

The growing number of Middle Eastern tourists has prompted Pattaya to introduce parking spaces for magic carpets…

 

 

A bit more bar news this month, starting with the closure of Maxine’s Club on Soi Diamond . Barely gave the paint time to dry on that one before shutting up shop. It’s now up for sale for two million baht (but to you, one and a half). Climax has opened on the old Funhouse site but is more like the previous incarnation, Club Blu. That old time favourite Hot and Cold is resurfacing as Shonky’s Bar, so it might be worth sticking your nose in. Roxy has disappeared from Walking Street. No surprise there. Eclipse seems to have been replaced by Fairies Club which, despite its name, has no connection with Queen Club or Iron Club. Who comes up these names? If they open a gay place they’ll probably call it Butch Club. Well they won’t be able to call it Tomboy Club, as that’s the new name of Tiger Club, presumably renamed just to remove any lingering doubts as to the orientation of the clientele. Living Dolls One has reopened after a refurb, which seems to have consisted entirely of ripping out fittings and throwing them away. And there’s yet another Go Go opening in the LK Metro area. It’s apparently targeting Japanese tourists and is called Zero A Go Go. That should go down well with the Americans. Bet they won’t be serving B52s.

That old mongers’ retirement home, Bamboo Bar, has shocked its elderly clientele by raising toilet charges from a reasonable 3 baht to an outrageous 5 baht. That’s a 67 per cent increase. They used to be free once upon a time, but too many girls from Beach Road were coming in just to use the facilities. A girl who did this was known as a See Free Pee Hoe. Good for a quick Hand Solo, no doubt. Just digressing for a moment, but has anybody noticed that Yoda is the spitting image of former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson?

 

Nong Nooch is reported to be taking on extra staff to cope with the growing problem of rogue elephant droppings…

 

 

A tour boat captain found himself in hot water after he crashed his two tier vessel into Pattaya Beach, scattering tourists in all directions. The boat remained there for three hours with its engine running until police arrived at the scene. They arrested the man but were unable to obtain a statement as he was so pissed he couldn’t even talk. He has since had his license revoked and is believed to working as a tour bus driver.

 

The annual Pattaya Marathon was held a couple of weeks ago and, as usual, was a walkover for the Kenyan athletes who took all the top places. However, when they crossed the finishing line they carried on running and were last seen heading for the entrance to the Channel Tunnel in Calais.

Finally, local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

 

[lounge_lizard]

Another classic.

 

I always look forward to these.

[yorta2]

Yep, great start to each month. Thanks!

[Fatboyfat]

Cheers Monks! That boat looks a bit like "Cabin Boy" Ken's tub; I know its not, but the skipper's antics are familiar !!!

[MeGoDanceNow]

I wonder if Zero a Go Go will serve a sandwich named Fat Boy?

[Nightrider]

Great stuff as usual monkey