Monkeywatch - June 2017

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to some more squeaky tales from Mice City.

 

Hotel operators in Pattaya say they’re worried about the damage being done to the city’s image by the increasing number of unregistered hotels offering cut-price accommodation to “low-quality tourists” while the upmarket sector seems to be favouring alternative destinations such as Phuket and Koh Samui. So they want quality, not quantity. So that must mean they want to get rid of the stinking pigs.

 

However, the Tourist Authority of Thailand are saying that tourist arrivals have dropped by nearly 20 percent in the last four years but are hoping for a recovery this year fuelled by an increase in tourists from India, as well as Russia and China. So they want quantity, not quality. So that must mean they want to bring in even more stinking pigs. Anybody else out there got an opinion so we can make it the best of three?

 

Speaking of TAT, they’re putting on an event at Bali Hai Pier on June 16-17 to promote “green tourism”. Must be the only colour they haven’t tried yet.

 

“Beware Electric Cable Over Ground” would probably be better advice…

 

 

It’s been decided that Pattaya is to have a 3 billion baht upgrade to its electricity infrastructure in an effort to bring it to somewhere approaching the 21^st century. This will involve building a new substation and relocating some 40 miles of overhead cables under the ground. Contractors had already begun work on cutting down the cables and burying them underground when it was pointed out that they should really be reconnecting them before they buried them. When this minor oversight was pointed out to the project manager, all he could say was “Oh bugger it, we’ll blame it on squirrels.” This explanation will no doubt also come in handy when the new substation explodes.

 

Bali Hai Marina is back in the news as a fresh investigation is launched into the circumstances surrounding its demise. The marina took 5 years to build and cost 735 million baht but it never opened and the project failed. A survey committee was set up at a cost of several million baht to establish why the project had failed but the survey failed as well and was never completed. So now another survey is being commissioned at a cost of 5 million baht to find out why the first survey failed. Sounds like jobs for the boys… and their families, friends, acquaintances and anybody else they can think of.

 

Following that last lot of floods, City Hall has announced that it is to introduce 24 hour monitoring of all areas prone to flooding. When asked what they were actually going to do about the problem, a spokesman said “What do you mean, do about it?” When pressed further, he added “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”, presumably having realised that a bridge was probably the only thing that stood a chance of not being submerged by the next deluge.

 

This is the Thais’ idea of a board meeting…

 

 

A bit more in the way of bar news this month, though not much of it good. That old favourite Living Dolls One seems to have bitten the dust, and Kiss A Go Go seems to have kissed off unless they’re having a very long power cut. Ginza A Go Go closed then reopened then closed again. Upstairs A Go Go has also gone. Gold Club on LK Metro has reopened, though previous form would suggest it won’t last for long.

 

Final testing is taking place on Pattaya’s Central Road tunnel prior to its grand opening on… whenever. A spokesman said “We’ve thrown several scatter cushions at it and it has so far remained completely undamaged, so things are looking good.” When asked about the obvious problem of flooding, he said that the entrances have been raised up so water can’t possibly get in, but was unable to explain the presence of several water pumps that have been spotted inside the tunnel.

 

More blasts from the past now with a couple of stories from Monkeywatch in June 2007…

 

Well, the boys in brown have been embarking in another public relations exercise with a series of raids on bars in South Pattaya. Assistant district chief ‘Pongo’ Pitajinan claimed that the action was as a result of them getting complaints from tourists that many bars were operating without licences and employing underage staff. It’s gratifying to know that the police recognise the huge importance that the average tourist places on things like this, though they haven’t yet managed to produce any of these complaints or explain how the tourists managed to come by the knowledge in the first place. The offending bars will now be closed for 30 years and their owners are to be burned at the stake.

 

Residents of Khao Mai Kaew have been complaining to Pattaya City Council for several months about the discomfort they have to suffer because of the stench emanating from a garbage disposal site near to their village. After much deliberation, the Council has finally agreed to take urgent action to resolve the residents’ problem and have scheduled their village for demolition next week.

 

We’d prefer the taste of food really…

 

 

If you think the Pattaya Police are a bunch of clowns, get a load of this story from Huay Khwang, where the local boys in brown decided to raid a soapy massage parlour. In planning the raid, it seems that they overlooked a couple of small but nonetheless significant details. Firstly, the establishment in question had actually already closed some 12 months previously. Secondly, the place had closed down following a police raid that they themselves had carried out and which had resulted in several of their own senior officers being disciplined and transferred. You couldn’t make it up (and we didn’t.)

 

Regional police have charged a Thai chap with drug dealing after he was searched and found to have 250,000 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. He admitted the offence but said that on his release he’d turn over a new leaf and do what most people with such outrageously expansive buttocks do – get a job in a Go Go Bar.

 

Finally, a Chinese tour group who were expecting a meal and a swim in North Pattaya were somewhat surprised when the coach veered off the road and plunged into the ocean. When arrested by police on a charge of obtaining money by deception, the tour guide said “They got their swim, didn’t they?” and when asked about the advertised meal added “Well I thought the sharks would eat them.” His spirit of self-motivation and free enterprise was recognised by the court who then sent him to prison for the rest of his life.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Thanks for starting the day with a chuckle

[Bob Belzy]

As a former circus clown, I object to your comparison of our elite performing group with the Pattaya BiB.

[yorta2]

Thanks again, monkeyman.

[monkeyman]

As a former circus clown, I object to your comparison of our elite performing group with the Pattaya BiB.

 

Yes, it was a very bad comparison as to my knowledge no clowns have ever been involved in a raid on a soapy massage parlour, though if they had they'd have probably made a better job of it.

[Nightrider]

Another goog belly laugh monkeyman........