Bar Humor

[BigusDicus 9,878]

13 hours ago, gs joe said:

EDon’t try this at home 
 

 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Red sails on the west coast of Greenland

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Rooftop Cat Organizer

 

[Proffesor 31]

4 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

Rooftop Cat Organizer

 

Fantastic display of social distancing . . . .

[VPI78 11,508]

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest. I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The Rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Priest. The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[VPI78 11,508]

An Everton fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Liverpool supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Liverpool jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a Priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the Priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The Priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Liverpool supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the Priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Liverpool supporter."

That's OK, replied the Priest "I got him with the door."

[biggles 509]

I heard the same tale in Oz, except the victim was an aborigine

[VPI78 11,508]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me! she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers. You're right!" she said. I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

That's a good idea," the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

[gs joe 1,776]

Help 

[VPI78 11,508]

[VPI78 11,508]

At an army training camp in Florida, the Sargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."

An alligator came in the room and bit the Sargent's penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the Sargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. "Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Sargent.

A Private put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
 

[gs joe 1,776]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,508]

A farmer came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So the farmer dragged the other man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

The farmer secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The other man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to ... to ... cut it off, are you?" The farmer said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are.

I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Edited July 24, 2020 by BigusDicus
Funny, worth the listen

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,508]

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be quite ill."

[VPI78 11,508]

Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.

I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me, said Obama. Just name it, and it's yours! I want a ride on Air Force One, said the first boy. You've got it!, said Obama.

I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school, said the second boy. No problem!, said Obama.

The third boy thought for a moment, and said; I want a wheelchair. But why would you want that?, asked Obama.

Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!

[VPI78 11,508]

4 Year-Old's First Paycheck

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her; let her sit with them, while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew, building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."

[teelack 9,638]

Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown. Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.
I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me, said Obama. Just name it, and it's yours! I want a ride on Air Force One, said the first boy. You've got it!, said Obama.
I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school, said the second boy. No problem!, said Obama.
The third boy thought for a moment, and said; I want a wheelchair. But why would you want that?, asked Obama.
Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my effin' legs!

Thanks for the joke. I may retell it but the guy failing through the ice may be renamed.

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

[VPI78 11,508]

2 hours ago, teelack said:

Thanks for the joke. I may retell it but the guy failing through the ice may be renamed.

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk
 

Someone once told me that 90% of jokes world-wide are the same, just alter the names.

I know in Texas that is true; Aggies v. Horns, wetbacks v. gringos, crackers v. sambos, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Edited July 26, 2020 by VPI78

[VPI78 11,508]

Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." - Jay Leno
 

[VPI78 11,508]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen".