Bar Humor

[accyboy 78]

Are you a stick boy fan by any chance 

Jomtien guy?

[BigusDicus 9,878]

28 minutes ago, jomtienguy said:

Hyku is going to love this one!

[VPI78 11,509]

Just got off the phone with an expert in china.

He says it's not worth getting Covid-19 right now, as they're expecting Covid-20 Pro to be released in December.

[VPI78 11,509]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."  "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry ... I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 

[sinbinjack 251]

On 11/25/2020 at 4:47 PM, jomtienguy said:

This reminds me of a day a few years ago when I got on the lift at the 7th floor all alone and it stopped at the fifth floor where 3 young Thais got on and I dropped a particularly nasty one , whereupon the three young Thais started hitting the lift button so they could get out at the third floor. And all they got from me was a smile and a slight shrug. Sometimes Thai food takes me on a journey others would rather I not travel.

[VPI78 11,509]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
 

[gs joe 1,776]

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

2 hours ago, gs joe said:

That's unfortunately a classic piece of humor; i.e., depicts real life.

[VPI78 11,509]

[martini9946 129]

[VPI78 11,509]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 29, 2020 by BigusDicus

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,509]

[VPI78 11,509]

A young sprog is at home when his Dad calls. ... so he picks up. "Hello?"

"Hi son. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Joe." A brief pause. "But son, you haven't got an Uncle Joe."

"Mommy says I do! He's with Mommy in the room, right now."

Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the sprog comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."

"And what happened, son?"

"Mommy got all scared and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Joe?!"

"Uncle Joe jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"

A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 324-5921?"
 

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[gs joe 1,776]

[VPI78 11,509]

[BigusDicus 9,878]