Bar Humor

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[pinoydave 210]

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up . . . . . . .

"B - B - B - B - B - B - b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out . . . . .

" P - P - P - P - P - P - p-aisley".

“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?” The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

"LONDON"

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"D - D - D - D - D - d-erry

[BigusDicus 9,881]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

 

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

 

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

 

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

 

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

 

"Which word?" the woman asked.

 

"Love."

 

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

 

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

 

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

 

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked.

 

"Czechoslovakia."

[BigusDicus 9,881]

[BigusDicus 9,881]

Time to shop for summer...

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So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."

 

Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

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