Bar Humor

[Bushcraft 2,591]

A married middle-aged bloke comes to the hospital with his wife, as he's due for a general health check.

The admissions nurse tells him he'll have to give a urine, stool and semen sample for the lab to analyse.

"Just give her your underpants, dear," the wife says.  

[Bushcraft 2,591]

Notice in a computer centre

Achtung! Alles lookenspeepers!

Das computermaschine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.

Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken.

Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dummkopfen.

Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottonpickenen hands in das pockets muss;

relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten!   

[keyman 1,413]

4 hours ago, Bushcraft said:

Notice in a computer centre

Achtung! Alles lookenspeepers!

Das computermaschine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.

Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken.

Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dummkopfen.

Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottonpickenen hands in das pockets muss;

relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten!   

.....and you get paid for translations???????? ?

[Bob Belzy 150]

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]

[atlas2 4,329]

 

 

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

Bill Clinton is out on a hunting expedition, but while climbing over a fallen tree he slips and his shotgun goes off hitting him in the groin.

Rushed to Walter Reed hospital in a Marines CH53, he wakes from his anaesthetic to find that the surgeon has done a great job to fix the old 'Monica Flute'.  After a few days of convalescence, they dress him to go home and as he leaves the surgeon passes him a business card. "This is my brother's business, but you might find it of use" says the doctor. Bill looks at the card and says "why would I need the services of a flute and clarinet teacher?"

The surgeon replied "well I did what I could Bill, but my brother Kendall can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes".

 

[Evil Penevil 7,628]

I'd add a joke about chemistry, but I doubt I'd get a reaction.

A Japanese manufacturer is introducing a laughing motorcycle in Thailand.  It's called a Yamahahaha.

Evil

 

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

Worried that his eyesight is deteriorating, a young guy goes to the optician - who immediately tells him that he really must stop masturbating.

"Why?" asks the young guy, "is it affecting my sight?". "No" said the optician, "your eyes are fine, but you are upsetting the other patients in the waiting room".

[atlas2 4,329]

13 hours ago, Bob Belzy said:

 

The surgeon replied "well I did what I could Bill, but my brother Kendall can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes".

 

One day I'll explain why that's not as outlandish as it sounds.......Cue Twilight Zone music.

[atlas2 4,329]

42 minutes ago, Bob Belzy said:

Worried that his eyesight is deteriorating, a young guy goes to the optician - who immediately tells him that he really must stop masturbating.

"Why?" asks the young guy, "is it affecting my sight?". "No" said the optician, "your eyes are fine, but you are upsetting the other patients in the waiting room".

A guy goes to the optician.......

'Can you check my eyes?'

The optician covers one eye and the patient reads.....A C D 5 U B and continues without hesitation reading to the bottom.

The Optician covers the other eye and the patient repeats reading perfectly to the bottom of the card and adds Made in Hong Kong for good measure.

The Opticians says, 'Your eyesight is perfect...What's your problem?"

The patient open the lid of a shoe box he was holding. Inside there was an enormous turd...And says whenever I do one of these  my eyes star watering.  

[VPI78 11,528]

[Bob Belzy 150]

After months of ill health a guy goes into hospital fro a thorough check up. All tests completed, he is waiting on the doctor to give him the findings.

The doctor comes in with a long face, "it's bad news I'm afraid. Your condition is terminal and you haven't got much time". "Oh my god, how long have I got?", the man asks. 'Ten" says the doc, shaking his head. "Ten what", says the guy "years, months, weeks?"

The doctor looks at him sadly, "Nine...."

[atlas2 4,329]

That's brilliant.

[BigusDicus 9,881]

[VPI78 11,528]

A dog walks into a bar and asks the barkeep ... do you have any jobs?

Bartender says, no why don't you try the circus?

Dog replies ... why would the circus need bartenders.

[VPI78 11,528]

The past, the future, and the present walk into a bar.

It was tense.

[Bob Belzy 150]

A break in recently took place at Manchester City's ground. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Police are looking for a light blue carpet and a drinking water dispenser.

[VPI78 11,528]

[VPI78 11,528]

THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[Bushcraft 2,591]

A doctor phones his patient and tells him he has some bad and some worse news for him.

"Tell me the bad news first."

"Ok, the results of your tests have come back, indicating you have only 24 hours to live"

"Oh my god, what's the worse news then?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."