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BigusDicus

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Today I volunteered for a Covid-19 vaccine developed in Russia. I got my first shot at 9.00 am and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

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Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
 

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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.

"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts."

"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians'

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A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian. The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?" The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
 

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A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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There's an old rabbi who wants to try pork before he dies.  But,  being an Orthodox rabbi, he can't eat pork in his community, so he goes  to a restaurant 50 miles away.  On the menu is a dish called "Suckling  Pig" so he orders it and they bring it out on a beautiful tray with an  apple in its mouth.  Just as he's about to take his first bite, in walks  Goldberg, the president of his congregation.
Goldberg says, "Rabbi, what are you doing? What are you eating?"
The rabbi replies, "Goldberg, can you believe this restaurant?  I order a baked apple and this is how they serve it to me!"
 

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A blonde ran into a police station wailing. She claimed that she had been raped. After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested her for a description of the rapist.

"He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and helmet." "Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman. "Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer."

"What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer. "No sir," she replied, "he just didn't stay in very long."

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Two old men finally retire ...

They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in all the best bars their town had to offer. Finally they decide to cap their night off with a trip to their local brothel.

They approach the brothel stumbling through the front doors up to the concierge at the front desk. "Two of your finest broads please! The concierge notices the state of the two men and instructs his lackey to just put 2 blow up dolls in their room, they wouldn't know the difference ... the two men proceed upstairs and have their way with the two blow up dolls.

On their walk home they start discussing their evening with their two lovely ladies ... "You know, I think my girl was dead..." one exclaims.
"DEAD???" the other reacts in shock. "Yeah, she just kind of laid there and took it ..."

"You know, that makes me think that mine was a **witch**" the other replies. "A WITCH, what makes you say that?" "Well while I was loving her, you know I gave her a bite on the neck and she farted and flew out of the window."

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