Bar Humor

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[atlas2 4,329]

I was watching a Bob Monkhouse special last night.........And although this isn't a joke per se I found it funny.

He was talking to an audience of comedians about comedians being heckled and he told the story of Roy Castle struggling gamely through his act to about 40 people in a 600 seat theatre.......

Someone high up on one wing of the empty seats shouts out......"Can yer turn light owt....I fancy a snooze......' And from the other wing someone shouts out. 'Don't do that I'm reading' 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2019 by atlas2

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Some old Bob Monkhouse stand up jokes, I've deleted some of the really cringe worthy ones:

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

 

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

 

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

 

People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'

I believe hard work will never hurt you....provided you watch it from a safe distance.

I saw a specialist who asked me: 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?' I said: 'I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas'.

 I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing, except for maybe on those long flights.

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/bobmonkhousejokes.html

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Have you ever noticed a woman's 'I'll be ready soon' is the same 5 minutes of a man's 'I'm leaving the bar shortly?'

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Mamasan tells one of her Uzbek girls, "Time is you have a check up"

Girl replies " I had Pole and an Austrian yesterday; that not close enough?"

 

<Groan>

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Clint's birthday cake

 

 

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Browsing through YouTube tonight. Came across a clip from UK comedian  'Jasper Carrot'.

As an aside, there used to be a popular brand of English tea called Typhoo, their slogan was "Typhoo put the T in Britain".  Some smartarse then came up with "if Typhoo put the T in Britain,  who put the Cunt in Scuntorpe?" Maybe it was Jasper Carrot.

 

https://youtu.be/_7NYe173-iw

 

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Somebody said this photo was funny, but I can't seem to see it....