Bar Humor

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a little snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. We went back to her place and as she flipped on the hall light she shouts upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

A black guy from New York comes to Darwin to help with a large LNG project. The Aussies tell him that while they work hard, Wednesday is golf day so out they go to the course.

After 18 holes and back in the clubhouse showering, one Aussie guy looks at the American admiringly and goes, 'Shit you've got a big cock.'

Yank answers, 'Yeah I do weights.' Aussie replies, 'What do you mean you do weights'?

Yank says, 'Every night I tie a five pounder to the end of it for 15-20 minutes, and there's the result.' Aussie guy replies, 'That's fantastic....I wanna try that too.

Two weeks later they are teeing off and the American asks, 'How did you do with the exercises?'

Aussie replies, 'It hasn't got any longer.....but it's starting to turn black.'

[VPI78 11,498]

[Broughton 497]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

55,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd, 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 25 plus 25?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Thirty?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 55,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Edited September 22, 2021 by VPI78

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. Onced and Twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.

20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.

21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

23. You know what a hissy fit is..

24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

 

AND one more:

 

27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

On 9/19/2021 at 3:23 AM, VPI78 said:

 

[Samsonite 181]

Left to right, Bobby, Ted and Jack, aka, Robert,  Edward and John.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Samsonite

[bigbadbaz 69]

Looks like the Dead Kennedys to me

[VPI78 11,498]

[VPI78 11,498]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[Samsonite 181]

Is that mrs. clinton?

[BigusDicus 9,878]

31 minutes ago, Samsonite said:

Is that mrs. clinton?

Yes, recent I am told it is a real picture, not photoshopped.