Monkeywatch - March 2026

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to more mad as a March hare goings on from the city that never peeps – it just looks you straight in the eye then farts in your face. Sophistication, Thai style.  

Foreign women loitering on Beach Road at night have been questioned by immigration authorities after “complaints by tourists” (yeah, right.) Wonder what questions they were asked? Wouldn’t mind betting that “Do you take it up the shitter?” was in there somewhere.

Local businesses have been warned that they face a 15-day closure if they block access to public spaces. On hearing this news, a tourist went to the police station and complained that a bunch of stinking pigs were blocking a narrow Soi in Jomtien and asked for the police to close them down for 15 days. He was told this wasn’t possible, though it was later reported that all the stinking pigs in question had been spotted unconscious in a rubbish skip. Guess he must’ve had a word with them.

An Italian chappie escaped punishment after apologising for stealing a golden lion statue from a Thai restaurant while allegedly pissed as a fart. The owner decided not to press charges after the statue was returned. She should’ve given him a wop round the head.

This year’s Pattaya Kite Festival was won by a kite modelled on Tom Jones’s willy…

 

A sea turtle has been found dead on Pattaya Beach. Police are treating the death as suspicious and a number of suspects have been questioned. We think the butler did it, though he denies all involvement. Well he would, wouldn’t he?

A Chinese tourist was rushed to Pattaya hospital the other week after collapsing on Jomtien Beach. Doctors examined the man and found him to be suffering from an acute case of “pissed as a newt”. Makes a change from yellow fever.

Several crew members had to be rescued from the water after a 20-ton squid fishing boat sank just off the coast of a local island. Not surprising really. I mean, what kind of an idiot goes fishing for 20-ton squids?

Pattaya has been chosen as the opening location for Thailand’s reboot of Doctor Who…

 

Bar news time, and a new go go called Eve’s Club has opened on LK Metro. Not to be outdone, Walking Street also has a new go go that goes by the name of X Club Pattaya. PH 3.9 A Go Go has closed (it must have failed the acid test), and it looks like Champagne A Go Go has shut down yet again. Shame that. Back in the day, it wasn’t a place where you’d get pissed off – quite the reverse in fact. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. The latest arrival is Maggie May’s A Go Go, the location of which should be fairly obvious.

Thailand plans to increase its drive to woo back Chinese tourists with safer and higher-quality tourism, so we can presumably expect the south end of Walking Street to be shut down before too long.

The past comes back to haunt us as we look back at some bits and pieces from Monkeywatch in March 2016…

“We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings.

A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling.

A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face.

A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl.

A Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it.”

Pattaya’s new tube service hasn’t quite lived up to expectations…

 

A Thai homeowner who always insisted on driving diesel powered cars sort of had his point proved when an e-bike left in his garage exploded in the middle of the night, setting fire to his beloved diesel and burning most of his house down. So much for looking after the environment.

Speaking of electric bikes, Pattaya’s Public Health Department field operatives have been issued with half a dozen of the things to use on their public health patrols. Don’t think it’ll do much for their own health – if the car fumes don’t get them then some looney driver most certainly will.    

Finally, it’s been reported that Thailand’s polishing of its image is having a negative effect on Pattaya. Guess it proves the old adage “You can’t polish a turd.”

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko]

Fun as always. 

[teelack]

I found it interesting that Champagne has once again bitten the dust. Thanks for the update.

The point is that almost every review of the place since the reopening seemed to be negative. The volume was too high for common mortals. The lady drinks were a bit on the expensive side and in fact there was bugger all money spent on the place when it ceased to be Pure and started up again as Champagne. I guess that while the management had a long history in Pattaya they took no notice of what people were saying. 

[Bruce Mangosteen]

10 hours ago, teelack said:

I guess that while the management had a long history in Pattaya they took no notice of what people were saying. 

IMO Champaign was never going to stand up to comparisons with the original bar before they fucked with it.  It had a fun, funny vibe, and the girls were raunchier and more fun.  The second version was worse than the first, and the latest version was worse yet, sterile and boring.

Pattaya is a case study for the saying, "Not all change is improvement."

[monkeyman]

On 3/17/2026 at 12:30 AM, teelack said:

I found it interesting that Champagne has once again bitten the dust. Thanks for the update.

 

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2. 

[teelack]

12 hours ago, monkeyman said:

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2. 

Well there you go! If ever you needed a thermometer to tell the Pattaya tourist heat levels, Champagne may be the tool of choice. My second thought was however, will it close again as soon a Songkran is over? 

My "People on the ground" in Pattaya now are telling me that the place is really winding down and that tourists are far and few between. It's all the same to me but last year's low low season compounded by a bleak 2026 will be a real blow to the local economy. 

[jacko]

13 hours ago, monkeyman said:

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2. 

Is this Dave, the previous owner of Las Vegas GGB?

[jacko]

1 hour ago, teelack said:

My "People on the ground" in Pattaya now are telling me that the place is really winding down and that tourists are far and few between. It's all the same to me but last year's low low season compounded by a bleak 2026 will be a real blow to the local economy. 

That was my impression when in town, and a few working lasses seemed to be of that opinion,

THere have been a few negative statements from the incoming government as to fuel and power situations if the 'problems' continue. 

[Bruce Mangosteen]

1 hour ago, jacko said:

That was my impression when in town, and a few working lasses seemed to be of that opinion

I think that, if there were one third of the bars in Pattaya that there are now, which I reckon would match the number of bars there were ~20 years ago, the place would look like a Japanese subway at rush hour.

[monkeyman]

On 3/30/2026 at 11:03 PM, jacko said:

Is this Dave, the previous owner of Las Vegas GGB?

No idea I'm afraid.