BigusDicus

First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins......

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee."

The Indian legend says: when you wake up in the morning and see a white butterfly, it will bring you good luck for a long time. Today you may have not seen one yet and because you're a friend of mine. I will send you one. Much prosperity and happiness for you.

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America. ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 8%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: You just said 8%. ABBOTT: 8% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 8% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that’s 8%… COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8% or 16%? ABBOTT: 8% are unemployed. 16% are out of work. COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair. COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed. COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how Obama gets it to 8%. Otherwise it would be 16%. He doesn’t want you to read about 16% unemployment. COSTELLO: That would be tough on his reelection. ABBOTT: Absolutely. COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct. COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo. COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have Obama's supporters stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like the Obama Economy Czar. COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said! ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Obama.

Good Luck Mick. God be with you.

I agree with Andy. The only thing that would make me appreciate more would be if you PM'd me the 'blondish' babe in the second to last pics phone #.

I shoul clarify. Since the original problem I have been using my iPad to browse Pattayatalk Talk. Not the infected computer. So I was not infected again from browsing PT. It would seem that it never was truly deleted. Scary stuff. Makes me nervous about banking online.

The last couple days my computer has frozen up several times. Screen is still there but mouse will not respond. Have had to do a hard reboot to get it going. By holding down off/on switch till it shuts off. I finally figured out it was freezing up during the middle of a deep scan by security. It would not freeze up during a quick scan. After a quick scan completed the was no indication of the virus. I have just managed to get it to complete a full scan. And our little friend has returned. Show the same date but added at the end of the string is after the .htm -(SCRIPT0002)->(JSNORM)

I have tested positive for a Trojan received from Pattayatalk.com. Pattayatalk.com is usually running on my Chrome browser. Have no recollection of clicking any links or downloading anything. My computer/Windows 7 runs a full scan daily. Detected item. Alert level. Date. Action taken Trojan:JS/BlacoleRef.W. Severe. 7/5/2012 7:43 PM. Quarentined Items: file:C/Users/ (redacted) /AppData/Microsoft/Windows//TemporaryInternetFiles/Low/Content.IE5/8GP3SFXE/pattayatalk_com[1].htm The IE5 is interesting...

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn’t leave the house for 5 years. It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

MC, is the Internet hardwired and/or wireless? Extra charge?

Yes, the green highlights are what sets her off!

Above is very good advice Shetty. I do not know Phuket , but i know Pattaya reasonably well. I know a few other 'mongering' destinations reasonably well. None come close to Patttaya. I know a few serious 'mongers' who know many more destinations than me. Every single one agrees: Pattaya is best!

Marines Rescue Taliban Sex Slaves

A very practical point Sit and watch the Beach & Babes or walk around aimlessly to save a few hundred baht.

I am reminded of the line(s) from Apocalypse Now (which of course is based on Conrad's Heart of Darkness). Kurtz, mortally wounded lies on the ground bleeding, mumbles "The Horror, the Horror". There are those who speculate he was really saying, "the Whore, the Whore". Jeez, its almost 1 AM in the morning. I am drunk...............

Funny. I resemble that remark....

Square Testicles This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. 'The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, me-self, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A devout Arab Muslim enters a taxi; once seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio ........ So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?” The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a fucking camel.”

Very funny, thank you!

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan . After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, As his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, His grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!' Meet Coldwater!

Both are very funny

1. Booze, pretty much across the board. There is some very inexpensive beer in Thailand, but the US too. The taxation rate in the US on alcoholic beverages is usually much lower than most countries. 2. A good steak. Good meat cost less in the US. And there is a strong argument that it almost impossible to get a really good steak in Pattaya. I do not know much about the rest of Thailand.