BigusDicus

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't... He just walked in the door."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, " it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Well, did you help him?", asked his wife. I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people, too, you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes!", comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509

Cannot say for sure. I will bet it is not Kosher......

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of vodka was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

So true! Thanks.

I would think it is much safer to fly.

A couple was celebrating their 25'th anniversary, and the husband said, "Twenty-five years of being faithful to each other, I am so happy." Wife: "Well, that isn't exactly accurate. I confess that I have been unfaithful three times." Husband: "I am shocked to hear that, who were they?" Wife: "Remember when you needed that operation and we didn't insurance and no money, and the doctor wouldn't operate? Well, I convinced the doctor to operate anyway. That was the first one." Husband: "Well, I wouldn't be here today without that operation, so I forgive you. What else?" Wife: "Remember when you wanted to start the business, and the banker wouldn't loan you the money because we had bad credit? That was the second time." Husband: "Well, without that loan, we would not be wealthy today, so I forgive that. What was the other one?" Wife: "Remember when you wanted to be president of the country club and you needed twenty-three more votes?"

There are some who should not drink!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

I dined at the Haven two or three times last Nov/Dec. Food was good, service adequate. I remember enjoying a chicken parmigiana dish twice.

Might be monthly!

A reporter asked Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?" Bill replied, "Well, she's no Monica."

Excellent! Thank You.

Clocks in Heaven A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said............ "OK, Monica, you're free to go." George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.".

In the bar three guys laughing at the old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing. They were all having good laugh about this, when a guy taps one on the shoulder and says “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” The guy said “Sorry. Did he drown?” “No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.” ============================ Guy sees his friend Charlie, he's only got one arm and shouts “Where you off to Charlie?” He replies, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” The guy couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward isn't it?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you fucking insensitive bastard.” =============================== A guy's wife says to him as they are in bed, “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass.” The guy replies, "Maybe we should wait for the bulb to cool down first…. ============================= A guy's friend writes him a note that he always cries after sex. He replies,...."Don't worry, it's only because you are in Prison." ================================ A wife comes out of the bathroom and says to her husband, “I just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?” He says, “Yeah, the fucking drain will be clogged up again.” ================================= A guy telling his friend about previous night and that he nearly fucked a transvestite. He explained, "Picked him up in a night club. He looked exactly like a woman. Smelled exactly like a woman. Danced exactly like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he put his car in reverse and backed directly into a tight parking spot in one fluid movement…! That's when I knew it “Fucking wait one minute here…”

First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins......

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee."

The Indian legend says: when you wake up in the morning and see a white butterfly, it will bring you good luck for a long time. Today you may have not seen one yet and because you're a friend of mine. I will send you one. Much prosperity and happiness for you.

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America. ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 8%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: You just said 8%. ABBOTT: 8% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 8% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that’s 8%… COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8% or 16%? ABBOTT: 8% are unemployed. 16% are out of work. COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair. COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed. COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how Obama gets it to 8%. Otherwise it would be 16%. He doesn’t want you to read about 16% unemployment. COSTELLO: That would be tough on his reelection. ABBOTT: Absolutely. COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct. COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo. COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have Obama's supporters stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like the Obama Economy Czar. COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said! ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Obama.

Good Luck Mick. God be with you.

I agree with Andy. The only thing that would make me appreciate more would be if you PM'd me the 'blondish' babe in the second to last pics phone #.

I shoul clarify. Since the original problem I have been using my iPad to browse Pattayatalk Talk. Not the infected computer. So I was not infected again from browsing PT. It would seem that it never was truly deleted. Scary stuff. Makes me nervous about banking online.

The last couple days my computer has frozen up several times. Screen is still there but mouse will not respond. Have had to do a hard reboot to get it going. By holding down off/on switch till it shuts off. I finally figured out it was freezing up during the middle of a deep scan by security. It would not freeze up during a quick scan. After a quick scan completed the was no indication of the virus. I have just managed to get it to complete a full scan. And our little friend has returned. Show the same date but added at the end of the string is after the .htm -(SCRIPT0002)->(JSNORM)