BigusDicus

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says........."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" ====================================================================== I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!" ====================================================================== Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today ... my doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma." Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What the hell is that?" Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work today!" ====================================================================== A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common." The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick". ====================================================================== An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. ====================================================================== An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ======================================================================

Government Job Interview-- A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Excellent point(s) Joe.

Very good. I am stealing it. I will leave a facsimile in its place!

John Cleese on Terrorist Alert Levels The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "Damn, these taser guns are well worth the money."

The Lonely Brain Cell Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. 'Hello ?' she cried, but no answer. 'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared. So she yelled at the top of her voice, 'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE ?' Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.... 'We're down here .'

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?' To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe s*x.'' Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday. 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' He asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

Funny. I would like to add one: "Don't be silly, she is not a Ladyboy......"

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room.

Priceless

Cash4Gold.com I laughed till I cried! Many of the pictures have been very good. Excellent topic starter Lovedog!

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Oops, missed the taxes. When I flew last Nov I spent 1200 something. I remember it being around $160 less than booking with Thai Air direct. Close to the same for Expedia and Travelocity.

Cheapoair.com Pulled up price 5 mins before I posted it here. I used them for the first time last November. They were significantly lower than anyone else. Did not have problems of any kind. But did not have to change ttickets or anything. I agree Singapore is an incredible airline. One of the if not the best. But nonstop is the best.

9 hour layover!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fly nonstop, Thai Air. $170 more, but many more hours on the ground in Thailand. $1,149 [Total Incl. fees excl. taxes] Take off $12 Instantly - click here ¹ Booking Bonus: Thai Airways Flight 795 345 More Information Los Angeles (LAX) Bangkok (BKK) 11:20pm -11May, Wed 06:40am -13May, Fri Nonstop Coach 17hr 20min Flight Duration : 17hr 20min Total Trip Time: 17hr 20min Thai Airways Flight 794 345 More Information Bangkok (BKK) Los Angeles (LAX) 07:30pm -29May, Sun 09:35pm -29May, Sun Nonstop Coach 16hr 5min Flight Duration : 16hr 05min Total Trip Time: 16hr 05min

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

You have to wonder about the IQ of someone who would take this article seriously.

Really? Reputed by whom? Not sure how smart he is. I do know he is the only president who has a MBA. You do not need to be a genius to obtain a MBA, but a certain discipline is necessary.

Jewish Sunbathing A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. “Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, And take without forgetting. One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!