BigusDicus

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Patron. Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said "Would you care for dessert?"

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Speaking of mixed drinks. How safe is the ice generally speaking?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"

A friend,cute blonde, big tits, does not seem the shiniest tool in the shed, scored 29. Go figure.

Smarty Pants Test When it says you only have 8 seconds to answer the question, they aren't kidding! Re-taking the test mixes up the questions so you don't gain anything there. This is VERY FAST, so be prepared. You only have 8 seconds for each question. Click on the Smartorstoopid and have fun. Click Below: Smartorstoopid http://www.flashbynight.com/test/ I scored 'Smart' , 23

Jeez! I will be there in a few weeks with a couple of my top salesmen. They have learned to introduce me as - because, the girls always ask: You Papa? So I end up being 'Papa'. I really do not travel half way around the world to be treated as a 'Papa'

When I realised how many pills I consume in morning.

Cheers my friend. You sum it up well. I too enjoy my life: my family, friends, lifestyle in America!!! But I do so love Thailand!!! When I depart the plane in BKK, the bright lights, the hustle, the throngs of people. It is almost as if I hear.... "Do we have speed? Yes, okay people....we have speed....Okay now, one, two... Lights, camera, and, ACTION" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Script Bigus pushes his way through the undulating masses. He approaches passport control, (Pauses, turns towards camera 1) smiles wryly (conveying the adventure has begun)......fade to car driving fast to a playground called Pattaya. I have been to Thailand/Pattaya many, many times. But each time it is special. Nowhere else comes close!

Yes but can you understand a sick, demented Thai bus driver who seems to get a thrill from running over a bike rider when making a sharp turn in Pattaya?

Funny. Very good impression! http://www.stevebridges.com/obamavideos-pr...jan2010-lg.html

I bet your daughter would prefer that too.

YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS." NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?". SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER." (been there done that)

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words dear?" "Pussy and Bitch." Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mom." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch." I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings." Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want.... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

Jeez, one should at least take 30 seconds and Google before one calls bull. But like most liberals your argument and beliefs tend to be emotionally based. Not fact based. So of course there is no need to check for facts, logic, or reason. Here is at least one: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8941525/site/newsweek/ http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington...alik-hasan.html BTW, regarding that book he is not writing: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/04/26...et-release-nov/

I know several people who were involved at one level or another with the Bush administration. All will tell you Bush cared. That he went out of his way to visit with the families of fallen warriors. Most of the time he forbade any public acknowledgement. Same with most of his meeting with returning warriors. He did not seek the spotlight, the photo op most of the time. He did it because he felt it was the right thing to do. If you pay attention this fact is ocasionally mentioned within the press, even by some of the left. Whether you agree with Bush or not, he is a class act.

Geez, there is just no pleasing you. First you complain he is taking a photo op for political gain. Then you post the op was taken when he was out of office and there was no political gain. That he is just doing it because he has nothing better to do. I would suggest he was doing it because he cares. I would imagine there are those who would call you a pathetic, negative whiner with nothing better to do............ Ps. "He is to stupid to write a book like other presidents did. He is to self centered to help humanity like Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are doing." Perhaps someone who does not know the difference between to and too should not talk about stupid.....

Thank you Bruce for the pictures. Very nice. One has to figure that the boys and girls of the 10th Mountain would be strong supporters of George Bush. Ps. I enjoyed Tony Blair's description of George Bush in his new book.

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA,FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud .... you're holding it upside down!'

Women Are Evil By Nature A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her Hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth And allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Cow, an Ant and an Asshole... A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!! Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!! Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room.. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said .. . . . . (This is priceless...) "OK, Monica, you're free to go."