BigusDicus

How to Get to Heaven from Ireland... I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' NO!' the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!" It's a curious race, the Irish.

Gents, pay attention! This will be on the final! http://link.brightcove.com/services/player...ctid=3130509001

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

QUOTE (BigusDicus @ Nov 2 2010, 04:00 AM) I have a new Sprint Samsung 4G. When I can find an area where 4G is available (4G is still rolling out, supposedly by the end of the year it will be in most areas) it absolutely screams! My brother lives in an area where 4G is everywhere. He no longer uses his home ISP, just his cell phone. I would think it is fairly secure. I 'tether' (USB cable) from my cell phone to the notebook computer. My notebook does not have bluetooth. So it would be as secure as my cellphone and the Sprint network. Certainly more secure than your average 'wireless connection' in a hotel room.

http://www.junefabrics.com/android/ PDAnet is a program I have been using here in the US. I hook my notebook up to my phone and I am on the internet. In my car or hotel. Goodbye hotel $12.95 per day fees!!!! I have a new Sprint Samsung 4G. When I can find an area where 4G is available (4G is still rolling out, supposedly by the end of the year it will be in most areas) it absolutely screams! My brother lives in an area where 4G is everywhere. He no longer uses his home ISP, just his cell phone. Unfortunately I do not think my Sprint cell phone will work in Thailand.

What kind of mind creates something like th at

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6iki77

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Patron. Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said "Would you care for dessert?"

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Speaking of mixed drinks. How safe is the ice generally speaking?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"

A friend,cute blonde, big tits, does not seem the shiniest tool in the shed, scored 29. Go figure.

Smarty Pants Test When it says you only have 8 seconds to answer the question, they aren't kidding! Re-taking the test mixes up the questions so you don't gain anything there. This is VERY FAST, so be prepared. You only have 8 seconds for each question. Click on the Smartorstoopid and have fun. Click Below: Smartorstoopid http://www.flashbynight.com/test/ I scored 'Smart' , 23

Jeez! I will be there in a few weeks with a couple of my top salesmen. They have learned to introduce me as - because, the girls always ask: You Papa? So I end up being 'Papa'. I really do not travel half way around the world to be treated as a 'Papa'

When I realised how many pills I consume in morning.

Cheers my friend. You sum it up well. I too enjoy my life: my family, friends, lifestyle in America!!! But I do so love Thailand!!! When I depart the plane in BKK, the bright lights, the hustle, the throngs of people. It is almost as if I hear.... "Do we have speed? Yes, okay people....we have speed....Okay now, one, two... Lights, camera, and, ACTION" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Script Bigus pushes his way through the undulating masses. He approaches passport control, (Pauses, turns towards camera 1) smiles wryly (conveying the adventure has begun)......fade to car driving fast to a playground called Pattaya. I have been to Thailand/Pattaya many, many times. But each time it is special. Nowhere else comes close!

Yes but can you understand a sick, demented Thai bus driver who seems to get a thrill from running over a bike rider when making a sharp turn in Pattaya?

Funny. Very good impression! http://www.stevebridges.com/obamavideos-pr...jan2010-lg.html

I bet your daughter would prefer that too.

YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS." NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?". SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER." (been there done that)

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words dear?" "Pussy and Bitch." Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mom." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch." I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings." Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want.... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"