BigusDicus

What really happened with the satellite? http://www.wimp.com/nasasatellite/ http://www.wimp.com/nasasatellite/

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"

:grin

My daughter begs to differ. "Water Polo is the toughest there is". She and her teamates joke about what a bunch of wimps the Boys Football Team is compared to them. On a serious note, water polo players really are tough. A few motnhs back a brief conversation with a CPO in charge of recruiting SEALS from the Navy and Marines. "We look for endurance,tenacity,and integrity: former Water Polo & La Crosse players seem to do the best......."

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him. A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed." The guys thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

How is it any less demeaning than having sex with someone you dislike for money? Personally I would prefer to walk in a circle for a bunch of leering fools than drop to my knees and have to service them

91 people eaten by the crocs? Yikes?

:grin

I have never brought my wife to Pattaya. One day I would like have her accompany me to Thailand. Probably would keep her in Bangkok and Phuket, maybe a couple of days in Pattaya. She knows that on occasion I am a bad boy (but only on days ending in y). She accepts it. I do my best not to rub it in her face. Unfortunately she is not bi, has no interest in joining me on any of my adventures. I occasionally take her to Costa Rica where she will spend a few days or a week with me on the front or back end of my trip. That leaves me a few days to enjoy the local sights and pleasures without her. Rule of Thumb: Unless she is very extremely bi and at least more than a little twisted she will not enjoy watching you interact with other girls. Even if you do not sleep with the others, she will not enjoy it. They always say they do not mind - but they do. They may not think they will - but they will. You would be traveling a longs ways and spending serious money...... Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but yours or mine will never be the exception. Try taking her out to a local venue and see if she is comfortable with your interaction. That will tell you quite a bit.

A modern day cowboy had spent many days crossing the North Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.' ** *POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. Moral of the story: If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

JOHNNY'S WIFE This guy, Johnny, is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

"Keyboard Tourettes", you have coined an excellent phrase. Thank you. I am stealing it! BTW, clean for a month. Good for you, stick with it.

Aw come on....where is your sense of style

Perhaps you are right. Something occurs to me though. For years I have said to friends I could care less for sexy lingerie, "just does not excite me, but I like it because it excites them". What I mean is: Lingerie really does not do much for me. I like the babe, not the wrapping. However: I have noticed over the years that lingerie seems to excite the girls themselves. Excites them and gives them a confidence and a boldness. Which can be very appealing. Perhaps dressing well gives us guys a confidence.............and there is no doubt that chicks, generally speaking appreciate a confident man.

Very good Evil!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." W IFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "shit

http://www.break.com/index/ultimate-dog-tease-2053833

“Bartender, I'll have a Bin Laden” “What's that?” “Two shots and a splash of water.”

http://www.dump.com/2011/02/25/mannequin-h...op-prank-video/

A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do yonotice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, a Seabee Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with an Aviation Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Aviation Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Aviation Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear." --

A teacher in Detroit asked her class what sounds does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "Freeze Mutha Fucker!" I guess there are not may farms in Detroit.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....