nohlsson1

I will second that, congrats indeed!

And those were the last words that anyone had ever heard from him.

Very impressing Pete, I can't wait to see it first hand.

I have always thought that I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Little Known Historical Fact... Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!

I will admit that even I was confused about the twitchet.

Damn it MAN!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, lets talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'? The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'? 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles? 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.? But let me ask you a question first. 'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, am I right ?' asked the young girl. 'Correct, spot on,' said the stranger. The little girl continued, 'Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'? The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.'? To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.. Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

She only goes ST because no one knows how much time she has left!

It looks like everyone is enjoying themselves in Pattaya while I am stuck in hell. Oh well come on August!

This just ain't right!

Damn, that was the story of my life!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

It's hard to put into words.... Sometimes it just that little glance across the crowded room..... Maybe it's the moonlight coming in through the window..... Maybe it's her perfume..... Sometimes you just know when you found your true love!

Looking forward to arriving in August to check your place out Pete. Good luck on the opening!

Thanks for update of what is truly going on in Pattaya monkeyman.

Hi, my name is nohlsson1 and I am a Cameltoeaholic as well.

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here." "Oh, why, is that where the job's at?" "No sir - that's where the end of the line is." !

I WILL SOON HAVE BIRD DOG PUPS FOR SALE ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED PLEASE CONTACT ME, THE LITTER WILL PROBABLY BE ABOUT 7 - 10 PUPS WHICH I WILL SELL AT A VERY REASONABLE PRICE. I ATTACHED A PICTURE OF THE MOM AND DAD SO YOU WILL HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT THE PUPS WILL LOOK LIKE. PLEASE LET ME KNOW SOON, AS THEY MAY GO FAST - THANKS Or should the title be "Duck...Duck...You just got goosed!"

Bada-bing bada-bang.....I didn't see that one coming

Damn, I needed a good laugh right about now and that did it. Thanks for posting it.

Are you changing the name to Baghdad by any chance?

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,' THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.