nohlsson1

The warning has been noted! Now where do I get those time for dinner bells!

Great joke, got me in my first fight this year. I couldn't stop laughing though.

Here are some more. 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me 6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2. 8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal 10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over you 17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers 21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 22. Please Bypass this Heart 23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Ohhhhh that was bad!

I will agree that there is some that even I won't listen too. Though I have heard just as bad comments, coming from old Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase skits. Strangley enoughI have met a couple of Thai girls that loved Pussywhipped Again.

You don't have to call me darling...darling! Just had to listen to that one again!

I have 3 of those top ten. Some of that David Allen Coe is a must hear.

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnny, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them." The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnny was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down." This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He'd had it with this kid so he says to him, "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?" Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."

Thanks for keeping this going. I love reading them every month.

This is appalling...the sheep must have been spoken for.

So that's how women get out of tickets. I guess I am going to have to pimp on of my friends out next time we get pulled over. Someone has to take one for the team.

Thanks for posting the pics Adam. It looked like a fun night for the girls. Can't wait to see Cherry 2 in August. Some familiar faces still floating around.

You are such a big tease!

Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?' The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.' Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.' 'That's true, I do have a yard.' 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.' 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family. 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.' Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Dave says, 'What's that?' Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?' 'No.' 'Then you're a queer.'

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'

The poor girls.....it is obvious that they can not afford any knickers. I will personally see what I can do about this in August if it persists.

Looks like these Companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear .. and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself! Read the web-sites names closely! 1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com Misread by many as "whore presents" do we need to say more! 2 . Experts Exchange is a very popular knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at its url is www.expertsexchange.com Misread by many as "experts sex change".com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net I wont go in the details about the above one. 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com when you look carefully it looks like "the rapist finder".com 5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com Wont get into details about the above, but I am sure you can figure it out! 6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com Misread as "molestation nursery".com 7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com I read it as "I P anywhere" you see what i mean 8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com All I can say ouch! 9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com I misread it as "speed of fart".com

Carlin was brilliant. He will be missed. RIP Some of his great humor! One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. Electricity is really just organized lightning. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

Welcome and I really do not care to hear how your buns are at this point!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? ________________________________ Can you cry under water? ________________________________ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ________________________________ Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Or 10 baht! ________________________________ Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? ________________________________ Why does a round pizza come in a square box? ________________________________ What disease did cured ham actually have? ________________________________ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured but it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? ________________________________ Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? ________________________________ If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? ________________________________ Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? ________________________________ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ________________________________ Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. ________________________________ Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? ________________________________ Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ________________________________ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? ________________________________ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? ________________________________ If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ________________________________ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs? ________________________________ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? ________________________________ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ________________________________ If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? ________________________________ Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? ________________________________ Why did you just try singing the two songs above? ________________________________ Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? ________________________________ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

What do you do when your dog steals your Kodak moment?