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Monkeywatch - August 2011

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Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another squirt of deodorant into the armpits of the Land Of Smirks.


The Thai Navy are using Pattaya to test a new weapons targeting system which will save them money as the spare parts for it can be produced in Thailand. A Navy spokesman said "The public needn't be worried by these tests as all the shells fired will pass harmlessly over Pattaya…well, most of them anyway".


Pattaya Police are to increase their efforts to stamp out illegal guns in the wake of the recently held election by setting up more checkpoints around the city. Actually, there's a much easier way to combat illegal firearms – just issue all the criminals with gun permits.


Pattaya held its annual Candle Competition on July 15-16, though looking at the usual parade and floats suggested it to have been something of a wasted opportunity. Perhaps the addition of a few showgirls might inject some fresh candle-based ideas into the proceedings.


The local police have decided that they will not after all be proceeding with urine testing of farangs in bars after taking just one sample from a particularly drunken tourist…




The boys in brown finally seem to have dropped the 3am(ish) curfew they'd been imposing on Walking Street for some time now. Maybe they've found something else to do, though this seems unlikely because, as you know, there's very little crime in Pattaya.


The Pattaya Marathon was held on July 17 and as usual was about as interesting as watching dry paint do absolutely nothing. About time they did a real marathon – 25 pints of Guinness and a chicken vindaloo.


The erosion of Pattaya Beach is still high on the agenda and the first of three public hearings has already been held. The two imaginative solutions already proposed to solve the problem are "get some more sand" and "build a breakwater". The first option was dismissed as idiotic, so they appear to favour the second. This basically involves building an underwater wall out of sandbags, so the order has gone out to "get some more sand".


Pattaya Transport Department has proudly announced the opening of its new Tube System, though it seems to have fallen a little short of expectations…




Bar news time, and we begin with the news that Toyz A Go Go, which was previously Catz A Go Go, is now Dream A Go Go, though this latest update heralds a change of management as well as name. The Moon Club and Sugar Sugar both opened as planned, and bets are already being placed as to which will close first. First reports would indicate the former. The Cavern and Silver Star closed for a tart up (isn't that why they opened?), though The Cavern is now back in business. Tiger Lounge has also reopened after extensive alterations that appear to mainly consist of putting up a curtain – obviously another bar that thinks it can solve its problems by throwing money at them.


Do you get embarrassed buying your supply of holiday condoms from the pharmacy? Can't look the shop assistant in the eye? Well, a fellow from the UK came up with a simple but cunning plan to save himself from this particular indignity – buy them at the local supermarket and use the self-service checkout. So while doing his regular shop at the local supermarket, he slyly slid the box of rubber johnnies into his basket and pushed it under some other stuff to avoid prying eyes. All went well until he reached the checkout to scan his covert purchase, when he realised that the johnnies were in fact contained in a transparent security box that had to be removed by staff. At this point, a red light on a pole above his checkout started spinning and flashing furiously and a disembodied voice boomed out "APPROVAL NEEDED!!! APPROVAL NEEDED!!!" again and again. A large female assistant jostled her way through the shoppers, grabbed the box, and tried to open it but to no avail, so she frantically waved the condom-filled container in the air and screamed for a supervisor. The supervisor duly arrived and the pair of them rolled around the floor trying to batter the box into submission while the spinning red light flashed and the disembodied voice boomed and the whole thing looked more like Dante's vision of Hell than a suburban supermarket. And there in the middle of the stunned crowd was the customer, who was by this time curled up in a ball on the floor quietly sucking his thumb and weeping into the hood of his anorak. So there you are then. Job done, problem solved, and no more embarrassment at the pharmacy.


Speed, like many things, is a relative concept…




There were some shenanigans in one of the local banks last week when an Indian chap who was going to visit England complained to the manager that the foreign exchange cashier had given him pounds but he'd been told that the unit of currency in England was the Giro.


Finally, Greg's Kitchen on Second Road recently announced that it would in future have 24 hour opening. Trouble is, it seems to be closed every night. Perhaps they meant 24 hours a week?


be seeing you



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