Monkeywatch - November 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our Guy Fawkes edition full of gunpowder, treason and plot… or not.

 

Jet ski operators are to be told that they will be required by law to have insurance in place by the end of the month, according to a statement by local officials. This comes hot on the heels of an emergency meeting called to provide an urgent solution to this most pressing of problems. The meeting took place in September 2013.

 

In a further development of the jet ski saga, Pattaya has opened three so-called ‘dispute centers’ where jet ski related problems can be resolved without recourse to the police. Not sure how these places are meant to sort out the problems – probably two falls or a submission.

It’s been announced that Pattaya is to have a new high speed ferry in the near future. An official from the Marine Department said that the makers of the new craft have guaranteed that it will be capable of sinking as least twice as fast as the old ones.

Pattaya has always been a Mecca for those wishing to purchase quality part-worn tyres…

 

 

Deputy Interior Minister Sooty McBoon (or something like that) has announced that Honda Thailand is to distribute 90,000 jackets and 30,000 pairs of socks to residents of 11 northerly provinces to help residents cope with the winter weather. To help even further, they are believed to be providing 10 Honda F1 engines for use as door stops.

The local Tourism Authority office has reported that Chinese tourists continue to flock to Koh Larn despite the various ghastly fates that have befallen many of their fellow countrymen while visiting the Land of Smiles. A representative from Zero Coin Tours, a popular Chinese travel company, said “They seemed to be okay with the bombings, rapes and decapitations, so we thought we’d give shipwrecks a go.” Unfortunately, he said it in Chinese and it got translated as “There’s a purple emu urinating on my rubber chicken”. Must be what they mean by Chinese whispers.

 

There’s been some discussion recently where it’s been postulated that the GFE or girlfriend experience is no longer readily available in Patts. Really? We were reading only the other day about a chap who took a girl to his room where she refused to have sex with him, then smashed a bottle over his head and took his money, phone and motorcycle. Now that’s a real GFE for you.

 

The celebrated Beach Road sculpture ‘The Flight of the Pork Scratching’ is currently undergoing some routine restoration…

 

 

Bar news next, and there’s been quite a few comings and goings of late. LK Metro saw the arrival of Ninja A Go Go and the strangely named Pandors’s (presumably meant to be Pandora’s but the bloke who put the sign up obviously didn’t know his a’s from his elbow.) We also have Only O A Go Go in Soi Diamond, which is quite a mouthful, hopefully. Climax on LK Metro has mutated from a Go Go to a beer bar, though the odd chrome pole is still in evidence. The reported demise of Amethyst Club turned out to be somewhat exaggerated as it reopened the day after. And it seems that Dollhouse is to be reborn, though on Soi 14 rather than Walking Street. Whoopee.

 

The Chinese ‘Gin Jai’ Vegetarian Festival took place a few weeks ago and a special party was laid on to celebrate the opening night of the 10 day event. In best balloon chasing tradition, a group of expats duly showed up but were offered nothing but a bowl of fried rice. Guess they must have arrived too late for the hog roast. Interestingly, Pattaya Public Health Department decided to run a campaign of food hygiene checks around the city during the exact same 10 day period as the festival. A complete coincidence, obviously.

Pattaya’s local media services were buzzing last week after video footage of a meteor passing over the city was posted online by several witnesses. However, on further investigation it turned out to be a false alarm, as the footage in question was later identified as being of the winner of a local parachute club’s fart lighting contest.

 

That new McDonald’s on Beach Road doesn’t seem to be very busy…

 

 

Police were called at the weekend after the body of a man was discovered under a house. Further investigations revealed that the man was the owner of the house and had been lying under it for three or four days. Jeez, I’ve heard of drinking yourself under the table but this takes it to a whole new level – literally.

 

District officials recently decided that 66 of Pattaya’s streets needed to be renamed to help reduce the confusion caused by the current numbering system. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on a name for the project so the whole thing was abandoned.

 

And finally, remember this story from last month’s edition?

 

“Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had installed and “it would never happen again”.

Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest.”

 

Well, yesterday it happened again. What was that saying about learning the lessons of history?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Fatboyfat]

Flying Pork Scratching ! :llaugh

[jacko]

Flying Pork Scratching ! :llaugh

Somewhere for the tarts and drinkers to sit.

An entertaining monthly read much appreciated.

[MeGoDanceNow]

I'm disappointed, no mention of stinking pigs this month.

 

Still a great read.

[teelack]

Yup, another great news update worth a read.

[RhinoTusk]

As Cronkite used to say, "And that's the way it is'

[Nightrider]

Very entertaining as per usual monkey....

[bernienumnums]

Great stuff as usual.